How do I tell him I'm not ready for sex without hurting/losing him?

We already had sex last week and it was my first time. Honestly, I really did not want to have sex but for some reason I just couldn't say no to him :/ I don't even know how things got so out of hand :'(

Anyways, we've been dating for almost 2 months and I know he doesn't just want sex with me based on his actions and how he treated me afterward. This weekend, he invited me over to his place again and I accepted because I think we really need to talk about what happened and how I felt afterward (guilty, terrified of being pregnant, etc).

My question is: what is the best way to talk to him without hurting his feelings (I don't want him to think he did something wrong) and without losing him? What can I do/say to let him know I'm just not ready right now to have sex even though yes, we already did it once?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • If he brings up that you already had sex, point out that you had to have it in order to really know you weren't ready.

    Tell him that you care about him (it seems like you do), and don't make it anyone's fault. It's not your fault, or his. It just is what it is. You aren't ready.

    And if, or when, you do decide to continue having sex, take precautions. The pill is available for free at most women's health clinics. A simple Google search will turn up ones in your area. For cheap condoms, go to a local university health clinic. Their pharmacy will have them at about half the cost of retail stores.

    Don't let feelings of guilt overwhelm you. This is your choice, and your body. And don't let him talk you into it. If he pressures you, no matter how you feel about him, the best thing to do would be to end it. If he leaves you because of it, he's not the great guy you might think he is. You'll find someone who respects your choices and understands you.

    Be honest about how you feel. Don't try to make it less or more than what it is. If you're having a hard time working out what to say, try writing it down, and reading it back to yourself. That way you can sort out how you feel and how you want to say something. When you have your talk with him, do it in person.

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    • The writing it down is a great idea. I didn't even think of that. Thank you. I really hope he understands and stays because I truly do care about him thus far.

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What Guys Said 7

  • Straight up and honestly. Either he's going to dump you because you won't sleep with him or he isn't. No sugar coating is going to change that. You just have to hope that he's the guy of kind you think, or hope he is.

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  • :\ you could say no to him, why you didn't was... well, probably weakness on your part. Scared of losing him. But that's what you need to realize, if he's willing to leave you cause you won't have sex, then you're dating an a**hole who isn't deserving of you in the first place. Tell him the honest truth. Tell him you weren't ready and you regret doing it already and you want to not do it again for awhile. You have to be completely blunt and honest though. Don't make it sound like his fault, just say whatever the real reason is that you let him go that far.

    And 2 months and then already sex? I'd say that's too soon tbh, but I'm sure many think that's fine >.> society rushes things too much these days.

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    • For me it was definitely too soon but like I said, I couldn't say no :/ Thanks for the advice. I'll be 100% honest with him and hopefully he understands.

    • I don't know why you couldn't say no, but oh well. Definitely need to make sure things are clear to him. And if it goes badly, don't think anything is your fault, it's not, it would be ENTIRELY his fault at that point. Though he could have a right to be confused if you don't explain well that it was a mistake to do it already. I mean, when a guy starts having sex with a girl and she just doesn't want it anymore, it needs to be made clear. Cause once a guy starts, he usually feels it's normal now.

  • If he really likes you and wants a close relationship then he should understand that you're not ready right now. You will probably be afraid to find out what his true feelings are... Try to be understanding that guys his age are in their sexual prime and they have hormones going off the charts telling them they need to have sex.

    But I promise you that you have to get into the habit of being mature and honest early on in your life. If he doesn't get it then you will have to move on because there are other guys that will. If you get into the habit of being avoidant or distant with your feelings right now then you will find it hard to form real and honest relationships in the future.

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  • Like others said, be straightforward and honest.

    But here is the thing: you deciding you are not ready also means that you are asking of him to be faithful and abstinent.

    You have the right to decide over your own body. Just keep in mind that you are also asking a big favor. To be in a sexless relationship and also not get it elsewhere.

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  • You need to level with him. Honestly, you should have made it clear from the get go. Guys need consistency in rules. It can be hard for lots of guys (and girls) when one thing is OK and then suddenly it isn't.

    You made the mistake of letting it happen once. Now you need to be honest and clear about what happened. Expect him to not be happy about it. If all was well and good with me and my girlfriend and we had sex, only for her to tell me it's not happening again, it would sure as hell ruffle my feathers.

    Lots of couples break up over stuff like this. You need to make it worth his while to be with you if you expect him to stick around. Yes, I know you mentioned that he likes you for more than sex, which I'm sure is true. However, physical intimacy is a major part of a relationship. There needs to be satisfaction in that area especially if you want this to be a long term thing.

    You will have to find a way to figure this out.

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  • have an open discussion about this with him.

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  • Once you start should not be discontinued .Whichever way you choose to tell him that is hurt him. You now need to you both explore what turns you on. How to make love, and we both enjoy.

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    • If you wanted to have sex in marriage (not before) why did you that before marriage. It's a "little" confusing.

What Girls Said 7

  • "nothing is wrong with you, it was amazing(emphasis here would help, not too much, but tell him you like it). I wasn't ready for what comes after(tell him your fears). I want to share intimacy with you when I'm ready, maybe after I get on birth control. I want to be mentally ready as well as emotionally, and physically. I'd like you to be supportive and be patient with me. if you can't handle this please tell me now to make sure we are on the same page."

    this is a rough outline of how I would have the converstation.

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  • Honestly, don't listen to these guys who say that you will be hurting him or doing something bad to him if you stop having sex. This is YOUR body and if you can't handle it, your guy will understand. If he doesn't, that's a huge red flag. I'd dump him. Don't feel guilty about not wanting to have sex again. There are consequences and when the time is right, I'm sure you will be able to accept those. So girl, don't be too down on yourself. :)

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  • Guys run a little differently than we do. Kiran04 is right. I'm sorry to say it that way because it sounds so very harsh. But, it's true.

    Good Luck!

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  • If you go into a relationship with him, he's going to pull the "I am entitled to sex" card and tell you that in order to have a successful relationship, you have to be sucking his penis and letting him stick it in your vagina.

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  • The cat is already put the bag (no pun intended) its like you are giving this guy mixed signals if you tell him your not ready to have sex with him after you had sex with him. He will think you are playing games. And if you want to keep your man you better not tell him the only reason that you had sex with him because you couldn't say no to him. No use in crying over spilt milk. As for pregnancy get birth control. There is always a chance of pregnancy during sex. Did you have unprotected sex? You need to tell him that you are not ready for sex and apologize and tell him that even though your actions said otherwise you love him but you are not ready to be fully sexually active. And unless you plan on taking care of children I suggest birth control plus a condom

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  • I see where you're coming from here. I'm waiting until I'm married, but I've dated guys who have made me feel at times like it's something that we should do. I always end up cutting things off before it gets to that point. But this happens to a lot of girls. Things just happen in the moment and it's tough to say no.

    If you really think he cares about you for more than your body, just talk to him. And so you don't get scared to say something, call or text him first and just say that you want to sit down and talk about the other night because it's been bothering you. If he's a good guy, he'll understand that and he'll respect that you didn't really want to do it and it was not a good judgment call. If he doesn't respect that, then you know what he was after in the first place. And you can just learn from it.

    Trust me, I have a very close friend who this happened to. She told me how guilty she felt and how it got to her a lot, but she couldn't go back and change it, so she just learned from it and told him she really wasn't ready then.

    Just know that whatever happens, you'll either be on the same page as him and you won't have to worry about it anymore, or you'll learn something valuable from it.

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  • Agreed, with complete honesty. He may be confused so be prepared to explain not just how you feel the guilty feelings but why you think you feel them. That's kind of how I felt after I lost my virginity and it was mostly because I was a very religious person and I still feel the guilt every once in a while. I did talk with him about stopping but he was really disappointed, and he gave pretty convincing argument why I shouldn't feel guilty, so I gave in to him again. I got on birth control to solve the fear of getting pregnant and the talks of marriage with him is what eases my guilt. Sometimes I think this is a bad place to be because I hang on to the fact that we will get married and then I won't feel like such a sinner, but we never know what the future holds and marriage may never come. I fear what would happen then. I sometimes wish I could have cut it off sooner, when I first told him that I wanted to stop having sex.

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    • I wanted to wait til I got married too but like I said, I'm not sure how things got so out of hand. I hope he understands and supports me the best that he can. I know he'll be disappointed but I pray to God that he'll stick around.

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