Are you supposed to talk differnetly to girls than to guys?

I am having some problems talking to girls and I am wondering whether I am somehow supposed to talk to them differently in certain aspects than when I talk to guys.

Background is this: I am a guy in his mid twenties who has no experience with girls (virgin, never been kissed, etc). In addition to that I have had very limited interaction with the opposite sex and am not very social so my social skills may lack at times.

I am on a graduate trainee program at a leading recruiter and in the scenarios described here all my colleagues are people in their early to mid twenties, i.e the same as me.

Anyway we work in small teams that change from time to time and I have two female colleagues, a few years younger than me who I quite like (not in the romantic way, though they are rather pretty, but just as people). They however seem to dislike me (though this isn´t 100% confirmed either).

Anyway both of them said that I am a bit weird and that I "insult them". I know I have my quirks so that weird part is justifiable but the insulting thing bothers me. I am not a very vocal person but every now and then they´d say something so illogical (like claiming that they can´t control themselves when shopping and hence end up spending too much money) that I have to say something back at them. I always do this in a lighthearted way, like on a sitcom where the characters rip on each other but not in a mean way but in a way that is generally quite funny (I have to admit that due to my lack of real social interaction combined with a simultaneous diet of sitcoms has perhaps affected my sense of humor and how I speak). I do this with guys all the time and guys do it to each other and much more harshly but nobody ever gets mad. Sometimes I just say some weird things that no guy would ever give much second thought to and would brush off as humor but these girls seem to get offended by it. Basically banter, when I do it with guys it always goes well and when people hit me with banter, I also take it well and as humor. However these girls seem to take it seriously, as if I am actually meaning to offend them.

Another example was when the other day I said something (that was very practical and relevant to our activities) relating to a certain rule that the girl thought was different. I repeated myself (as I had recently read up on this and knew I was right) and she insisted the opposite. I then went to the source material and proved that I was right (not in a mean teasing way, simply looking something up matter of factly) since this really affected our current situation and in fact would prove to be of benefit to her as well. Instead of thanking me or just saying nothing like a guy would have, she actually got offended by it and said "why are you making this into such a big argument" when in fact I was calm and cool all the time and simply proved something I knew was right.

What am I doing wrong? How can I talk to girls better?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • A few points:

    GIrls aren't know for being rational or logical so calling them out with logical points when they're wrong is just going to make them mad (as you have found out). It's pretty much impossible to win an argument against a woman without them getting mad at you so it's best to just avoid them. If she's wrong about a rule, mention it to her once and if she is in denial, just be like "if you say so" and let her figure it out for herself.

    Regarding the whole sitcom ripping on each other thing, it's generally not the best idea to do to people that you don't know very well. Some people can handle it, but the majority will just get defensive when someone they don't really know is insulting them (whether it's lighthearted or not), and that goes for guys and girls. I used to be bad about that when I was in middle/high school, but it was really just my way of compensating for my low confidence. My good friends and I will rip on each other now but I don't act like that with people I have just met, and just being friendly makes a way better impression. Smile a lot and always laugh at any jokes they make...make it seem realistic though. If they tell a small joke, don't overdo it with the laugh.

    Another big thing is body language. If you have awkward, uncomfortable, or unconfident body language, it will make them uncomfortable as well. Some basic things like standing/sitting up straight with your shoulders back (no slouching), strong eye contact, and speaking confidently can make a huuuge difference.

    I highly advise checking out the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People." It's kind of old but a ton of the advice is still highly relevant today and I think it would help you out a lot. Feel free to ask anything else :)

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    • I pride myself in rationality and logic, it is what I am, hence it is difficult for me to simply ignore if someone is so clearly wrong or has an illogical problem that has a very simply and logical solution.

      As for the other thing, I can see now that perhaps I sometimes go too far with the banter. I will try to keep myself in check when it comes to this.

      As for eye contact, how exactly should I do it? I don?t always look a person in the eye when I am talking to them, should I do this more?

    • You wouldn't happen to be typing out your comments in Word and then pasting them here would you? lol

      Anyways, women tend to think with their hearts, not their brains, so if you can't learn to restrain yourself, you're gonna have a bad time. You can tell them they're wrong, but you have to be tactful when you do it. The book has some really good pointers in that area.

    • And yes, if you are talking to someone, or vice versa, always look them in the eye. It projects confidence, whereas looking down makes you look submissive

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What Guys Said 2

  • You can't reason with most girls, it's impossible, so don't bother trying. Their brains work differently than ours.

    Emotion drives them, logic drives us, this is one reason why both genders compliment each other in the respective evolutionary roles.

    Act gentle towards girls, and speak strong language to men.

    Girls like sensitivity, men like strength.

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    • But wouldn?t acting too gentle (especially if its somewhat out of character for me) be off putting as it would make me seem like a sissy to the girl?

      Anyway: do you have some tips on how exactly I could act gentle towards women?

    • Show All
    • I will take your advice into consideration when talking to a potential romantic interest but in this particular example I am referring to female coworkers who aren?t necessarily also my love interests. I am talking about talking to girls in general: should I tone down the logic and be more emotional/sensitive? If so, how exactly should I do it?

    • Well, don't act like a fairy around girls, just speak calmly, use less cuss words and don't mention sexual or violent things to them (although some don't seem to mind, it depends on the girl).

      They prefer when you honestly express how you feel about things, in a masculine way. You can tell girls things about yourself, even in just a friendly way, that you would feel too embarassed or uncomfortable telling another man. I've told some female friends things that I'd never tell my male friends.

  • Girls who get a long with girls better, will expect to be talked to as if they're talking to their girlfriends. Girls who get along with guys better, won't mind if you talk to them as if they are just another guy. Besides, it's not about talking to them...it's about making a move, that shows romantic interest (physicality)

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