Depression and Suicide: My In Depth Look at What Got Me There

Before we get started I want to warn you that this my take will focus on the topics of child molestation, child abuse, rape, domestic violence, self harm and suicide. So if you or someone you know can relate to any of these topics I'm going to leave some numbers down below for you:

National Suicide prevention hotline: (800) 273-8255

National Child Abuse hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD

National Sexual Assault hotline: 1-800-656-4673

Now that we established that I think it's time to dwell into my first topic of CHILD MOLESTATION and RAPE.

Like the image above suggests, my abuse was at the hands of one of my six big brothers. Someone I've spent my whole life around and I endured this abuse at his hands for at least thirteen years before I finally managed to get away.

But escaping isn't what this mytake is about. It's about him molesting and raping me most of my life. So we'll begin with the first time I realised what was happening to me. Keep in mind I was a five year old little girl the first time I remember this happening to me. So I didn't understand that I was being molested.

I slept in a little room with my big sister and we'd both sleep in nightgowns. I remember one night waking up and feeling something cold touching my inner thighs and going up my nightgown. I was too tired to fully wake up so everything was a blurry mess for me. I just saw a figure at my bed that had moved my covers over and he had his hand at my crotch and was touching me. So I did the most rational thing my five year old brain could think to do, I started kicking my legs until I felt the hand go away.

Honestly for many years after that I convinced myself each time I woke up kicking that it was from nightmares. I didn't except what I'd always see standing there as reality. I never wanted to believe I was being molested or inappropriately touched as they put it in school. But when I hit puberty at twelve and started developing breasts and a body, I couldn't deny my "nightmares" weren't someone touching me.

The weird nights started becoming more frequent and awkward looks got thrown my way. Baggy shirts and pants became a staple. Anything else and I knew he'd find something to look at. But somehow that didn't stop the abuse, it just got worse. One night during my parents anniversary they decided to spend a night away at a hotel to celebrate. By then my brothers had all become adults and my sister was seventeen. We no longer shared a room so I never had the comfort of hoping she'd wake up and stop this from happening to me. But sadly for me even though my brother was an adult, he was severely mentally handicapped to the point he stayed living with us and my parents took care of him basically.

That night I didn't wake up to a hand touching me. I woke up to a penis rubbing against me. And when I woke up kicking, he didn't leave. He pushed me backwards on my stomach and got on top of me and I remember a sharp pain between my legs. I tried so hard to make myself scream. I just prayed there, begging myself to scream, for my sister to hear me, and for her to come save me. But why couldn't I scream? Why was nothing coming out? And I still wonder to this day had I managed to muster the courage to scream would it have finally stopped there?

But that scream didn't happen, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do it. That still haunts my nightmares almost every night. I didn't scream, I just went limp and cried. I can't even remember when it was over and he left. I just remember laying there hoping I'd just die. I didn't want to wake up in the morning.

Now that we've learned the history of my virginity and loss of innocence, I think now we should discuss my two ex boyfriend's, Anthony and Ricardo.

High school, the time everyone falls in love for the first time and everyone is discovering themselves. For me, that wasn't the case. I was shelved and tried to hide. Freshman year I met fellow bipolar classmate Anthony. And I couldn't hide anymore. In hindsight I should have known together we'd start a fire but I didn't listen to what my gut told me. He was a cute boy telling me I was special and for the first time I had someone say they cared about me. Even if it was a lie.

For the first two months it was great. He never tried making moves on me and respected I had fears of intamicy due to something at home I told him. But after those two months something started changing. He'd get angry if I said I didn't want a kiss or him to touch me. But I still stood my ground, I couldn't do it. That one day just led to an argument and that argument ended in a busted lip and bruises covering my torso. And I broke. I wanted nothing to do with him but he kept calling and begging for me back saying he loved me. And like a moron I forgave him. I just wanted someone to love me and to fix it. But I was so stupid to believe him that he'd never hit me again.

Like many times in my life I was wrong. One day he conned me into skipping school with him and going on a date. Well, that should never have happened. I ended up seeing someone from middle school who I had a crush on, and he blew up on me. The Anthony I broke up with weeks prior was back. And hello to another busted lip and broken finger. I think the only way that relationship ended was because his family moved away a few weeks later.

But that didn't end my dumb rep with bad guys, my crazy ex Ricardo. I wanna start this off with everything I say about him isn't meant in an I'll manner. I take blame as well and I care about that asshole still. But he has to be mentioned for the way he treated me not only when we dated but the way he treated me when we didn't.

Sophomore year and enter Ricardo, the sexy Hispanic flirt of all the freshman. And like most girls I fell for the cute accent and charm. He had a way with the girls you couldn't imagine and he fell for me. One day he asked me to stay after school with him and hang out. But like before, hanging out couldn't just be hanging out and my naive butt didn't realize that. I wasn't ready for the moves he was trying to play out. When I saw him he was in flirt mode and I was in flight mode. He wanted that kiss and I wanted out. I tried hard to kiss him and yes he was my first kiss I give him that he got one out of me. But I shook and I cried, I couldn't do it and he left and before I knew it the next morning me was dating another girl.

But that's not why he's here being talked about, that's just the introduction to him. He's here for what happened between us when I was twenty one. We both graduated and life went on for us. But damnit like everyone does on Facebook, we started talking again and fuck, the feelings were still there.

We got together and we met once at his apartment. What happened there is why I feel the need for him to be on this mytake. He hadn't changed much. He still wanted the same in high school and I thought I was ready for that. And kissing was easier. I still felt scared but I could do.

So why couldn't kissing just be enough for him for awhile? Why did he need sex the first date? And why didn't I tell him no when he was taking my clothes off? I had enough sense to shake in fear but again I failed myself and couldn't talk. And I wanted to try, I did because I liked him and I wanted him to like me. I thought I needed to do this. So I said yes, and I tried so hard to make myself enjoy it to finally say I wanted it. But I didn't and I finally could talk. I screamed and I pushed and begged him to stop. And to my amazement he did. Granted he tried hard to convince me I wanted this but he stopped.

And like I said I blame myself for that happening. He's not the one at fault for that, but what he did after I fault him for. I couldn't bare looking at him so I rolled on my stomach and just cried like that night my brother hurt me. And why did he have to lay on me and hold me down like my brother? The pain I felt having my wrist pinned down was the scariest feeling I ever felt with him. And when he started rubbing against me and I begged him to stop and he wouldn't. I just hated myself for that happening to me. I felt like I led him on by saying yes and then saying no. What kinda girl does that? The slut my parent's think I am? Or the idiot I felt like I was who deserved what happened to her?

And it broke me more, I still hate myself for that day.

But unlike the other topics here this is the only one I have been able to deal with and the reason I've been able to finally have a real relationship with someone now. But we'll get into the new love soon when he needs to be brought up, don't worry he's coming in my next topic.

Problem child, whore, idiot, liar and n** lover. A few of the new insults my parents have thrown my way the past seven years. I think I'm only going to address the abuse related to my current relationship that ruined mine with my family.

Senior year and I was the worst I'd ever been in my life. Every day I thought of killing myself, and new cuts were added to my arms. But one day at school I finally decided enough was enough. Today is the day I kill myself. My high school had three stories to it, and I was on the third. It had widows in the hall that opened, and I was ready to jump. But as fate would have it, enters guy number three and my angel Mitchell. He knew what I was going to do, he'll deny that to this day but he did. And he started talking to me, like we where on the Titanic lol. He was sweet and I trusted him. Within five minutes everything I just told you he knew, and he didn't leave.

We became best friends and I fell in love. But graduation came too fast and I was out of school and he was starting Junior year. That didn't stop us and I wasn't going to lose the love I had. I knew now that I didn't have school I'd have to sneak to see him. No way was my family going to let me continue seeing a black man. And I was right. We snuck around for two years and he graduated. Phone calls became more frequent and my parents learned what was going on. I was an adult, absolutely, but no way was my parents going to let me live at home with them while I was sleeping with a black man.

My father tried every way to keep me from Mitchell. From verbal abuse to beating me silly. And eventually Mitchell learned this because one day I did the unthinkable, I attempted suicide. Though I had no clue how, it took six years to get to that point. I just didn't want to hurt anymore and I didn't want Mitchell to suffer having a horrible girlfriend. So I called him and I begged him to understand that I was never going to be able to see him again and I overdosed on Tylenol and pain killers. An hour later I wake up in the E.R having my stomach pumped and the only one there with me was Mitchell. I remember the yelling and how many times he called me stupid and told me he loved me. But I couldn't believe it. I was a failure. No one loved me, I was the whore and idiot who attempted suicide.

The most horrible part was my family did show up, but instead of my dad or mom asking if I was ok, they belittled me and blamed Mitchell for my suicide attempt. They threatened to kill him if he ever went near me again and me if I ever saw him again. Then everything I just listed to you came rushing out and I couldn't take it. I didn't have a family anymore and I was alone. I was kicked out of the house even before I was out of the hospital.

That now leads us to seven months later and to this myTake. I'm better then ever with the love of my life but still haunted by the nightmares of my brother and the fears that my father will hurt me, and the dark thoughts of suicide I still have from time to time. But I'm here to say I can do this. I'm not the little girl who was molested, the one who was beaten, or the n** lover. I'm Marianne, the one who survived a suicide attempt and is sharing her story in the hopes of helping someone else.

So please do not think this is a sob story or me being angry because of what happened. No. I'm saying finally for the first time I'm thankful this happened because without it I wouldn't value myself, my life, or my love. So please if you can relate to anything I said, call one of the numbers I posted and get help. It could save your life, because I wish someone would have given me those before I got to this point.


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What Guys Said 15

  • Experience can be a horribly cruel teacher and your story epitomizes that. Sometimes, it seems, things must get worse before they get better and I am glad you survived to see the beginning of the recovery for you. No doubt your recovery will take years and you will be forever shaped by the awful experiences you have had, but you will also get to ecperience joy and love. Good luck!

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  • If I were there, and saw Ricardo do that to you, I would have demanded he explain what he thinks gives him the right. And if he charged at me... let's just say he'd be in the hospital. Though, I doubt a dimwit like him would've learned anything, even when I spelled it out to him. Good riddance to that piece of garbage.

    As for your family, I would tell them to their faces that they did everything to you. They failed. They are the pathetic ones, and they can't deflect anymore. And if they hurt you again, I will see to it a small army hunts them down, and tortures them. May your brother be forced to eat his own balls. And may your dad be cut up and fed to pigs!

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    • Ricardo isn't a bad person normally. He's a pretty decent guy, which is why I don't understand why after I said no he decided to keep pushing it and wouldn't let it go. Though now he's married and probably happy so honestly good for him on that. And hopefully he treats her right
      And my family knows they failed me, problem is they just don't care. Only one who cares is one of my big brothers who I'm really close to

    • Good thing you didn't name them. They don't deserve names. Pretty sure sleeping with those guys, even the good one, was a bad idea. But still no excuse for your parents' behavior.

      Someday, you'll probably be the only evidence left they ever walked the Earth. The world will otherwise selectively choose to forget them. If they were that way to you, they're probably unpleasant all-around. Kudos on getting your life in order.

  • You should not think about your horrible pasts to much, they are over and you have to live in the present, seize the day and be optimist about your bright future because not everyone is the same, there are wonderful people and things you've yet to discover out there. And if you are still feeling down somehow, you remember that there are many people who had an even worse experience and yet they managed to have a happy life eventually. If they could do it why can't we? however you can use your experience to see pattern before you get in trouble but you should learn to communicate well too.

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    • I'm trying that now. But when I attempted suicide i didn't have any way to communicate how I felt. For years I had to deal with what was happening. I just wanted it to stop at that point

    • That's understandable and humane, you were in shock. I'm glad you made it through, not everyone is even as half strong as you so we should help them when we can. Cheer up!

  • Rape hurts women more than most people realize. Keep going with your heart and getting through this. I've been told a number of rape stories from women online over the years and it always breaks my heart. My ex was a Latina who was raped for months in captivity in her home country as a teen, and I think that's why she is the way she is. Part of me is still angry for her decision to choose someone else, and part of me still feels sad for her.

    I remember you once mentioned that you had a black boyfriend, yeah. I actually will be posting a Take soon about this still-present disgust some white Americans still have for their women being in relationships with us.

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    • I just think it's stupid. I'm happy, that's what should matter. Not that he's black

    • It SHOULD matter, I agree. But even in the 21st century we still deal with hate and bitterness.

  • Urg... so dumb how people rape still these days. ><; You think everyone should of learned not to do that anymore? So many generations has gone by...
    I know some people have a hard time controlling their hormones but... as they get older, they should be bale to unless something has gone wrong in their heads-becoming very unstable. If there are that many people out there who rape then... that's a heck lot of people who don't have a brain and heart... possibly a soul if they are well... not human...
    I feel sad every time I read things like this and, the more I read about these, the more I want to straighten every mindless pervert one way or another...(nothing violent though... I don't want to do that to anyone, no matter how bad they are but... maybe if they were immortal but with the flaw of forgetfulness after their previous death... mah, fantasy, Y U no real? LOL!)
    Anyways... please remember that not all males are like that... if you (or anyone who reads this) gets scarred by males, it's understandable. Even though I'm a male, I'm very different and feel more comfortable around women than most men to be honest. Eventually though, you will feel better around certain men though, even though you may not feel like it at the moment. ^^ I'm not the only guy who is different from all the other men. I'm the type who would even let females put make up on me or have me paint their nails. X3 I would cook WITH my future wife and never treat females badly. It makes life so much easier and better that way for me, the females in this world and, even men as well. Men need to learn to control themselves or else they will be going through more pain than anyone else. Maybe more than just jail time...
    I'm sorry if I sounded dark a few times-if I did at all but, it just bugs me so much. ><; Guys and girls should treat each other nicely and equally. They should also try to think about how they would be and react as the opposite gender at least once in a while to get the picture.

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  • You never get over abuse it lives with you every day of your life and rears its ugly head in inopportune moments.

    I commend your bravery in sharing this. In large my life has been ruined by investing in denial. The worst of escapes for it leads into the torment of how you escape the escape.

    in my defence, in the age, I grew up in. There were few outlets for help. Plus in the traditional upbringing I had, it was ruled by 'boys do not cry'

    This Age is more enlightened and you should seek out every opportunity to deal with your torment to live your life happily. Like everyone, you deserve happiness

    \#MajorRespect

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    • More- thank you. You are such a brave and admirable young woman. You should be very proud of yourself and the obvious inspiration sharing experiences like this represents :)

  • Girl, that is a lot of pain but thank you for sharing, for showing people what it can be like. You're strong, you've made it this far and you are one hell of a woman. You stay strong and by God you don't ever let life get you down because you deserve the best from it!
    I've known several people who were raped, my last ex was raped by her dad's best friend, her ex and a guy she thought she could change for the better. It scarred her and she didn't deserve any of it. It sickens me there are men (and women) out there capable of such atrocities.
    But stories, voices, like yours, are what we need to show just how serious this issue is!

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  • 17h

    I am glad that you found a good man after all the pain and abuse you went through.

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  • Its amazing how the people that appreciate life and what they have the most are the ones that had it the hardest with the most things taken. You obviously have your eyes open now. Never let them shut. I appreciate the sharing, and the adrinaline rush of wanting to beat a persons ass.

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  • Please stay strong, you are definitely a survivor who's been through so many horrible things it's inspiring for others with their own depression issues. Reading what happened with your family is heartbreaking and I hope you can make it through life continuing to keep your head up.

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  • it may be insensitive, ignorant, and dumb to you, but i cannot see eye to eye with suicidal thoughts, thats putting it kindly. I also want to know about how i was recommended this? Was this random?

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    • Did you think GaG has some kind of clever recommendations for each user based on what they read on this site?
      Nope, just make statistics (a. k. a view count --> ascended) and recommend the first three items on that list.

    • @ad48hp nah i just never experienced it before and was curious

  • This some incest shit, I recommend you move on

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    • Incest is wanting 2 sleep with my brother. I was raped so yeah it incest on my part

  • Your parents sound completely crazy. They could have went to jail if you did things differently in the past. As for the inter racial thing, that's another subject altogether.

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  • Long read, I’m glad you’re doing better, hopefully you’re away from your family and still with Mitchell

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    • I'm definitely still with Mitchell when he's home. And yeah I'm not with my family anymore

    • Ok, I’m glad you’re doing better, that was horrible what you went through

  • This may sound strange coming from a perfect stranger, but I'm proud of you. What you have endured is tragic and unfair and wrong. That you have struggled through it at your young age is simply amazing. Amazing strength. It makes me wonder what you will do in your life, which has only just begun. There will be many people who will be so lucky to have you in your life.

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What Girls Said 8

  • What a horrible family! Im curious about something though... how did your parents and siblings react when they learned your brother had been molesting you? Did they have any hunches all those years? Your parents sound like monsters. I could never treat my children the way they treated you. I love them unconditionally. Even if they don't agree with your decisions, you're their daughter and they should be there to support you. I think you'll be better off cutting them out of your life. While I'm glad to hear you're doing better, something still worries me. You've apparently found a great support system in Mitchell, but what would happen if you no longer had him? What if for some reason you two didn't work out or god forbid something happened to him? It sounds like your happiness is dependant on Mitchell. Have you gotten any counseling?

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  • Thank you for sharing your story! I'm sure it took a lot of courage and I hope this helps others who may be going through similar situations. I also hope that you are on the road to recovery and healing. No one deserves to go through what you have experienced. Stay strong. ❤️

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  • I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I hope you were able to find help and a way to support yourself because it's quite obvious your trash ass blood relatives aren't helping. I say blood relatives because real family wouldn't treat someone like this weather they're blood related or not.

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  • Your parents sound like trash.

    Let's say your brother never sexually abused you, but he used to scream at you that he hated you, would beat you and one night while you were sleeping put a pillow over your face and tried to sit on you but your mother came in and stopped him doing so. - what would you do?

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    • it's such a painful read...

    • Really? You find it necessary to even find it ok to ask somethinh like that? And you wonder why people on here don't like you most of the time

  • I think the hardest part for me was sharing stories. Everyone has normal childhood stories to share and it took me forever to piece together real memories that wouldn't lead to followup questions... Or accidentally blurting things out that people won't understand. I had the opposite problem though, I wasn't quiet and that made it worse but defiance was the only tool I had then. People don't like the truth, they want to feel safe in their narrative.

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  • WOW!!! Amazing mytake I couldn't stop readying it. Sometimes we go through things in life and don't understand it. But even if it hurts it makes us stronger. Plus we can help others and tell them our stories and let them know they are not alone. My life wasn't the best either but glad I survived and you did too. (Hug) :-)

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  • Actually speechless reading all that, but I'm glad that things are working out for you after all that, take a strong person to go through that and still be here sharing her story! :)

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  • Don't let your past define your future as much and try to think positively about the future. I had a horrible past but I strive to be the best I can be today.

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