Confronting My Guy Friend Who Touched Me Inappropriately (Page 2)
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Thanks for sharing your Take with GirlsAskGuys Community. Such Takes are rarely seen. Great Job. I wholeheartedly appreciate your Take.
Isn't it just "awesome" how the followup confrontation is just as awkward as the initial discomforting event?
The next level up, nip things in the bud right then and there. You just say no. Also why I don't like alcohol or drugs. We don't exactly know who we are when we disinhibit. I think sophistication is a refined, multi-layered veneer over a primal core. Inebraiation is like losing control when engaging in a fight. Tyler Durden said "how much can you possibly know about yourself if you have never been in a fight."
Perhaps it's best to nip the problem in the bud. Stop it right from the start and tell him it's not welcome.
(Side note: Dunno why, but there's a voice telling me C's girlfriend might not exist... but of course I could be wrong. Neither here nor there really)
He has shown me a picture of her and has talked about her on numerous occasions. Would be very weird and unlike him if she was totally fabricated.
she certainly didn't existed in a way that they are having sex, obviously
poor guy just wanted some tlc but he didn't know how to express it the right way
Goodtake. I've had a few encounters with randy women crossing the line too and it's not nice and not acceptable. Hopefully one day soon soceity will teach women that's it's not acceptable to sexually harrass, assault and rape men just because your a woman and he's a man as well as punish those guilty of it.
#METOO
I'm glad to hear that he took responsbility for his actions. Did what happened affect how you interact with him now?
I mean, it did change how I see him a little bit. The fact that he took responsibility for what he did helped me sort of go "back to normal" with him. But I am a tiiiiny bit wary of him, and I don't exactly feel like going to another club this very minute lol.
That's completely understandable.
Ok, you should have removed yourself from the situation at the first moment of unwanted physical contact. If you couldn’t have removed yourself you should have said no, doesn’t matter if he’s drunk or not, NO touching should be expressed.
He should have known better, and you should have better protected yourself.
I froze up though. Easy to say woulda could've shoulda when hindsight is 20/20.
If you’d both been single would you still think this was inappropriate, or just unwelcome?
Do you think gradually increasing intimacy level of physical touch while trying to flirt is not normal?
I have no doubt he was reading your reactions poorly which is pretty typical when people are drunk.
If we had both been single, it would have been just a tiny bit inappropriate. Mostly just unwelcome. Simply because I'm not like that. Like you can't just start caressing my thigh and have me think it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, especially if we're talking about a stranger.
Gradually coming on stronger is normal, for sure, but I think time and place matters a lot. To do it at a club with a girl who has not once showed any interest in you and to go for her thigh and neck almost immediately is too much.
In this case he shouldn't even be reading my reactions, because being physical with me is pretty off-limits from the get go. We're both in relationships and just friends. So keeping it minimal and in non-intimate places are ok, such as the arms. Like I mentioned in the take, I was totally fine with him putting his head close to mine for a pic, and him punching my arm when I joked. That's the line he should have kept himself within.
There's nothing to feel guilty about here. Someone put you in an uncomfortable situation, and you froze. That's totally normal. In stressful situations we fight, flight, or freeze.
Going forward, I'd encourage to work on having more of a 'fight' mentality. You seem like an empathetic person, which is wonderful, but I think you cared too much about C's feelings in this scenario. Don't be afraid to say no, and to say no forcefully. You're worthy of that power.
I know. I laughed about this with S, of how I am a ”strong independent feminist woman”, but it’s still ingrained in me to care too much about not making things awkward, not causing a scene, not acting like a ”bitch” etc when a situation requires me to act quickly. These are things I think about A LOT on a day to day basis but I still struggle with applying them in real life. That’s how fucked up society is.
Shit dude
sometimes being a friend is just going with it so he doesn't end up having any omg moments while wasted up his ass. As long as its not like waaay too much
Then you can address it the next day kinda thing u know
Or just move away
But sure
This is a great take! Well written :) I don't think many people understand how awkward it can make you feel, and feel too uncomfortable to say anything, but it was handled very well!
Sorry, but what's the take here? A drunk guy got handsy with you and then later you told him not to be so handsy. Good for you? I'm sure nobody has ever done that before.
I mean, nobody forced you to click on this, or comment anonymously, if you didn’t find it interesting enough. It’s not exactly clickbait either since the title itself pretty much explains the take.
Thankfully people are allowed to write about pretty much whatever they want in takes :) there’s no requirement for total uniqueness. If you don’t like these types of takes, you are 100% welcome to not read them! Cheers ❤️
I read it because I inferred from the title and the popularity of the take that you must have some worthwhile insight on a serious topic which has been at the forefront of a lot of media these days. It sucks that this thing happened to you, but this take just comes off as you venting rather than providing any insight into the matter.
Okay, I’ll compress some of the insight to you in a few nifty bullets since it seems like it’s the kind of assignment you’ve never had to do in school:
- Freezing up in a situation like this is normal
- Everyone makes mistakes, and since I felt like his mistake wasn’t the biggest that could have happened, I felt like he deserved another chance
- I could have left it at that and just *hoped* he wouldn’t do it again, but I brought it to his attention to warn him, because next time might not end as smoothly otherwise
- He was really humble about the whole thing and is now going to be more careful, not just with his alcohol but seemingly also when he is drunk - a lesson everyone who drinks should learn
- We didn’t ruin our friendship over this or cause unnecessary drama
That enough for you or do you want me to extract further insight?
There's no reason to get all snippy, I was only giving my honest opinion, I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings or anything. I just assumed that by posting your story on this site that you were inviting others to share their thoughts and opinions. If I assumed wrong, then I am sorry.
No hurt feelings here, just annoyed at people either not spending the time to actually read the take and then giving "opinions" that are already addressed in the actual take, or then complaining about how long it was when nobody was forcing them to read it.
People are free to give their opinions, but yours was quite unnecessary and not constructive at all. And quite frankly, your "honest opinion" set the snippy tone of this conversation, so I merely responded in the same way. It's also not my fault that you couldn't analyze the take and come to your own insights regarding why I even wrote it in the first place.
With the whole tense climate that metoo created, I just wanted to share this experience with people to show that not everything has to end in police charges and lots of drama, as well as getting someone "exposed" online as a sex offender or whatever. So yeah, dunno what else to tell you really.
People are free to give their opinions, so long as it's one you like, right? I gave you an honest critique and you still haven't addressed it, all this insight you claim to have and claim everyone else should be able to glean from this self-congratulatory piece is just common sense. The only thing you have done is get all defensive the second anyone does anything other give you the pat on the back you were looking for.
And what exactly was the critique? That you didn't get the point? Constructive criticism is 100% welcome, but what you said was just dripping in sarcasm and not constructive in the slightest. If you have some critique to give me, then at least base it off of some actual relevant points, rather than just letting me know you didn't find my story interesting for whatever unknown reason.
I'm getting defensive because people are not giving constructive criticism. "This was too long" is not constructive criticism. "Good for you?" is not constructive criticism. "I would have handled that way differently" is not constructive criticism.
This took me awhile.. but I solved it!
STEP 1) Take the partial derivative in respect to C, then the second partial derivative in respect to J
STEP 2) Put, yourself, J, C. and E into a Laplacian operator and voila ! we have a beautiful foursome..!
An elegant mathematical solution! ;P
Drunken idiots will always be drunken idiots. That doesn't condone his actions at all - not even slightly - if you get drunk and do stupid shit, don't drink. But him apologising was good I guess. Little victories and all.
That guy should stop drinking or learn what his limit is so he can avoid overdrinking and acting stupid. I'm glad everything worked out.
I think you handled this situation in the best way possible, not sure if I could have been so eloquent about the whole thing!
You should have nipped that in the bud the SECOND you felt uncomfortable by just taking his hand and moving it every time he put it somewhere he shouldn't. That's the polite way of letting a guy know.
Then, if he keeps doing it, you are well within your rights to make a scene and tell him to fuck off.
That was a great way to handle things. Just be sure to patch things up with your friend, Okay? Otherwise, you did amazingly.
First of all someone who does "inappropriate" things to you isn't a "friend", so starting with the right premise will help arrive at a solution.
So what would that simple solution be you ask?
... find some "friends" :)
I'm all for giving second chances, though. What he did wasn't ok, but it could have also been a hundred times worse. Also, considering that he took full responsibility and is now going to be more careful with his drinking in the future, I'm not willing to write him off just yet. Had he reacted differently though, or acted like a douchebag about it even when sober, I would have definitely reconsidered our friendship.
Good approach Ms Lumos.
You certainly know the intimacies of the situation and relationship much better than do I.
I would most gracefully yield to your wisdom and graciousness to your friend in this matter. :)
It may have been better to say if firm voice “don’t touch me” or “leave me alone.” If it happens again you probably will. It is easy for crappy people to criticize you. But your life wasn't danger and it was probably the first time you experienced such a situation so it is understandable that you didn't know how best to handle the situation. Frankly, I thought you did well, you took action to minimize the annoyance and later you let him know his behavior was unacceptable.
Well done, you could have caused a shitstorm for no real reason, but you handled it like an adult.