Death, abuse and pain...

AnnaMya211004
This isn’t me heh
This isn’t me heh

Hi- I’m Anna. I am 15. And I have been through a lot at such a young age. I want to use this to vent and rant and get things of my chest in a safe anonymous space. So thanks in advance :)

It all started before I was born. My dad left my mum when she was 5 weeks pregnant. Told her to get an abortion even though they had planned me. See, my mum was told she would never have kids but had also had a stillborn before me. My angel brother, Mitchell. She left him and then I was born. At the age of 6 months old, my father’s dad went against his son’s wishes and came to see me. He was my father figure. He would see me every week without fail. He was such an amazing man. But it was short lived. He was in his early 50s when he died suddenly of a heart attack. I was 7. And this was the first domino leading to the chain reaction which I am about to mention.

At my Grandad’s funeral, I met my father. He then came into my life. He still is in my life but he is no dad. Not at all. He will never be the man my grandad was but I accept that. Everything was decent in my life until I was 12. The calm before the storm.

I was online one day, and I met a guy. Let’s call him... Turner. He was 24. Twice my age. But I fancied him. He was like my dream guy! He exploited me in the end and abused me emotionally. My mum found out about it all and after an agonising two years of police and courts. He went to jail in February 2019.

But let’s skip back to when he was ripped out of my life. I developed an eating disorder. EDNOS.. during which I go through phases. These last weeks at a time. One where I fit the diagnostic symptoms of Binge Eating Disorder, another where I show many symptoms of restrictive type Anorexia Nervosa, and others where I exhibit symptoms of Orthorexia. I also began self harming.

My self harm began as me giving myself friction burns by scratching at my skin. But it quickly developed into me cutting myself. I still do it. I am doing it a lot less often though.

At the same time as this, my mum turned to alcoholism. It made her become physically and emotionally violent toward me. I was never good enough for her. She always called me fat and ugly. So much that I now believe it. Eventually she went to rehab and is now 6 months sober but the aggressive traits are still there. But I can be thankful.

Just a couple of months ago, I tried to take my life by overdosing on painkillers and antidepressants. I nearly died. But nobody took it seriously. Thought I was just angry. I meant it. I guess you may wonder where I got the antidepressants.

After my abuser was reported, the police never offered me support as a victim. I didn’t get counselling of any kind until the end of 2019. Which has not been helpful. I was at crisis point early this year and ended up in hospital. Then the mental health service brought in a psychiatrist for me. She prescribed the meds. Which I stopped taking because they made me ill. And saved them up for when I wanted to take my life.

I am okay now from that experience, I am in therapy that is helping but not everything is rainbows and unicorns. My ED is really getting to me. Worse than ever. I hate myself so bad. I try to be body positive but I can’t. I’m not overweight but I am definitely a bigger girl. Like curvy or thicc as they call it. Coronavirus is driving me insane. Being stuck alone with my thoughts is tough. Which is why I came here.

This story doesn’t exactly have a happy ending. But I will keep y’all updated. Thank you.

Death, abuse and pain...
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