I Feel like writing you guys and I want the feed back negative or good. I'll. Try and keep short lol. Her it goes
Pills, drinks , Cigars, weed.
These are all thing I convinced my self I need.
These all things I need to Escape.
You don't have to partake in these things to relate.
Don't judge don't hate.
The feeling is mutual
The same feeling fat people get when they clean there plate.
The same Feeling Athletes get when they push there body's to be great.
The same same feeling House wifes get when they change and renovate.
I love April but she doesn't know it.
I mean why would she? Who could love a drugged up alcoholic artsy poet.
Making assumption that you don't know is true.
If she didint love you why would she hang with you?
Why would she joke and party and come up with nick names for you?
Her aura is pink red and yellow.
Mine is grey blue and black and becuase of that I start to push her back.
Lie to her and say our friendship is over because of how she looks and acts
Pushing her way is the only way to save face.
Mean while he getting flirts from this girl name Kase.
He'll drink a case with Kasey the vodka and her body might replace thee.
The girl that was on that was on his mind before.
Kasey wants him so he doesn't mind whore.
Drink after drink pill after pill.
Sex, drugs and his art can only numb how he feel.
Or take to him a place that feels unreal.
His friends graduated April engage
He got a girl that will do anything for him yet he stills feel rage?
3 Years with this girl named Kase.
His art his Love His life is all in the same place.
He doesn't love her though her body and the drugs are only meant to replace.
Forgetting April and friends is getting harder gotta up his intake
ALLRIGHT GUYS IT FEELS QEIRD ENDING IT THERE. BUT THATS ALL I G
Most Helpful Girl
It's very nice.0
Most Helpful Guy
As a forewarning, I have a creative writing minor, so I will probably sound really nitpicky, but I'm just genuinely trying to bring up new avenues and ideas for your future drafts.
- Fix the grammar.
- Get rid of "thee" in the second stanza, third line. It is out of place with the voice of the rest of the poem.
- You've got Kase, case, and Kase all really close together on the second and third line of the second stanza. This works if its a common theme in the piece, but since this is a lone occurrence, try to get rid of that repetition.
- Your voice is inconsistent. The first stanza you are speaking in the first person for the first half, and then the second person for the other half. The second stanza you switch yourself out to the third person. Stay consistent so that your readers can easily follow the poem.
- Break up the stanzas. You have two giant blocks, it doesn't look pretty. Maybe have "Don't judge..." and "Drink after drink" as their own stanzas to add emphasis and let the reader hang on those lines.
- "Her aura is pink and yellow... Mine is grey and blue." You are giving us abstract descriptions here. If you are going to use abstract descriptions, you need to tie it down to something concrete. Why is the aura of your colors pushing you back? What is her aura doing and why those colors? You could maybe even use just simply these colors to describe you and April without the exposition before it.
- You and April have an aura with two colors. What is Kase's aura and colors? What comfort do you find in them?
- Work on your line breaks. You do not need to start and finish a sentence on the same line. You could, hell you don't even need to finish a thought or an idea in poetry. Experiment with it. You should mainly focus on ending/beginning your line on a word that could stick with the reader. For example, the last line.
"Forgetting April and friends is getting harder gotta up his intake" compared to
Forgetting April is getting harder -
Gotta up my intake.
The pause and "getting harder" that the line break creates adds more weight to your next line.
Overall, good poem. You bring a lot of emotion into your work. You just need to work on organizing it so that you get the emphasis and impact you have in mind to reach the reader. Remember that no poem has a final draft, there is always something you can do to make it better! Keep writing and Cheers!0