I know I'm an adult and I make my choices.
But I haaaaate hate disappointing my mom.
So, my whole family is rather religious and traditional.
So, they're against any cohabiting. And I'm engaged, going to move in with my fiance next month.
I know they'll find out regardless because we live close to her.
And I know she's gonna be disappointed. Even though it doesn't make sense, I know it.
What's the best way to approach it with her?
Most Helpful Guy
I think it depends a bit on what type of person you are.
One thing I've learned in my early adulthood was that you can't always make everyone happy. When I was a teenager, I did everything I could to make everyone happy. I was working hard in school, I wanted to be loved by my teachers, I also tried to be a very easy child for my parents (contrary to my two siblings who caused a lot of conflicts), I wanted to have friends who like me a lot... I was terrified of having anyone in my life who's not satisfied with me.
When I became 22 or 23 I finally realized that this is bullshit. You can't always make everyone happy... it's simply not possible. And even if you could, it's not worth trying to change yourself for anyone and everyone. You are who you are and that's that. Of course it's worth to change some things about yourself once in a while but generally speaking, people should accept you the way you are. This is especially true for people who love you. Many people in my family and close friends have at one point done something that I didn't approve of or that made me disappointed. But I accept that every person has his/her way of thinking and living and that there is no right or wrong. For example my dad has a very different lifestyle than me and it's sometimes rather hard to take but I always try to remind myself that it's not my life, it's his. So it's also his choices to make, not mine.
I think it's important to try to make your mom understand that her disappointment is not fair because by being disappointed, she implicitly assumes that her way of living her life is the correct and your way of living life is the wrong one. Your mom has to understand that it hurts you if she's disappointed because she's basically saying "I know it better than you how to live". Obviously, this is not true because it's not her life. What makes her happy may not make you happy. What she considers morally "right" may not be that way or may not even matter in your opinion. She has to understand that her way is not the only right way. This can be done by putting her in the same position. This takes some courage from your side but say something to your mom such as "What if I told you that I'm disappointed of how you live, wouldn't that hurt you?"
Finally, being an adult, you also have to learn that sometimes, intolerance remains intolerance. You can try to make people understand but you can't force them to understand you. I guess this sort of ties in with my first point0
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