My boyfriend is mad that I have "formed a family" with my friend. How can I make him calm down about it? Please help?

My friend is a single dad to a 3 year old. I am a big part of his life because he needs some sort of female figure in his life like any 3 year old does. He used to call me mom until we corrected him and had him call me auntie but my boyfriend is still agitated by it. I take the little boy shopping for clothes and such and meet my friend a couple times a week to take the little guy somewhere fun. Last weekend my boyfriend, friend, friend's son, and I were at the zoo and on multiple occasions people stopped us and said that we made a cute family (my friend, his son, and I) or that my 'son' was adorable and my boyfriend got even more pissed. Is it inconsiderate of me to be this close to them and how can I make my boyfriend understand and calm down?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Ask him flat out are you going to still be pissed if when ever we have a child when these two call each other cousins if he still is mad leave him cause he's inflaming the situation stupidly accept the kid. Geez its a 3 yr old cut the kid and his dad some slack.

    • I agree but we haven't even discussed anything about having a family.

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    • How do I even do that though?

    • just explain that it goes against your promise to help your friend and his son and that you would do the same for your boyfriend if he was in the same situation with his own kid if he was in your friends shoes.

Most Helpful Girl

  • It's wonderful that you are such a positive role model for the little boy, but I can see why it makes your boyfriend uncomfortable. And it will be hard to find another man who understands and is comfortable with the arrangement.

    You're essentially building a familial bond with the son and the man as well. The man could be using his son to get closer to you, and even if he isn't, that's likely how your boyfriend views this situation. I would be so upset if I were in your boyfriend's shoes at the zoo. Like if strangers think you two are together you must have some natural chemistry/body language that indicates it. Maybe you don't notice it but your boyfriend sure as hell does.

    Unless you plan on getting with the father in the future it may not be best for the child to get this close to you either. He needs a motherly figure yes, but what happens when the man gets involved with someone seriously? It's going to be confusing for the little guy who got so used to you... and now there's this other woman here he's expected to essentially "replace" you with. It will be traumatic no matter how you go about it. I'm not saying not to be in this kids life, but you can still be a positive role model and female figure for him without being SO involved. You aren't exactly being fair to him by mothering him so much, but not intending on being a permanent fixture or mom to him. Like you aren't making the full commitment. You aren't expected to by any means... But when you go think about how it will effect the child.

    • My friend and I have been friends since we were 7 so he definitely isn't using the kid to get closer. Also, when he finds someone to settle down with I will still be involved and as if I was his aunt and that is why have his son call me auntie?

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    • That isn't my goal I just don't know how to compromise without hurting the kid.

    • Maybe you can find a compromise that doesn't take you away from the child. Maybe if you got your boyfriend involved a bit more he'd feel better and understand the situation more. I'm not asking you to make him in to a figure for the child, but maybe if he got closer to your friend, and felt they were friends too it wouldn't be such an issue. It will probably take time, but maybe eventually he will see it as "our friend who needs help with his son and my girlfriend does such a good job" rather than "my girlfriends best guy friend who needs help with his son and takes up so much of her time". It could be so simple as him needing to feel like he fits in a bit more, which can be difficult due to the fact you two have been close for so long. Maybe help them find a common ground outside of knowing you that they could bond over.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • Tbh I would be pissed too if I were him.

    • Even though I don't really have a choice but to be in the kids life? I mean he needs someone.

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    • Because (assuming he wants kids as well), if you were doing all this for your friend yet didn't actually want kids, your boyfriend would most likely think "Wow. She's basically being this kid's mother, she's willing to do all this for a friend, yet she doesn't want to do this with ME."

      How would you feel if it were the other way around? If (hypothetically) you wanted kids and he didn't, yet he is willing to be a father for his friend's kid?

    • Yeah I would have been irritated. Is it really that big of a deal that the people at the zoo thought that I was the mom or that we were a cute family though?

  • Did his wife died? or left him?

    • They weren't married and she left.

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    • Well the one with the kid has known me since we were 7 so I'm not going to not be around him and I'm not going to ditch the kid. I'm not going after my friend. Maybe our culture is just different so you won't be able to fully grasp the situation.

    • It is not culture. If that was a situation I would allow it. Infact I might even support the boy financially as well to some extent. My father has been helping his sister financially for about 35 years now even when her children are older than me one died 2years back God have mercy on him. And other all earn. He even takes care of my aunts grandchildren. So nope that is not a thing that can be related to culture. It is being pure of heart.

  • In this case you are being inconsiderate

    • So you would be mad at your figurative girlfriend in this case? What would you expect her to do?

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    • But don't you want him to buy you gifts and to just kiss you for no reason?

    • Yeah. I bake though I mean A LOT.

What Girls Said 1

  • How long have you been dating your boyfriend?

    How long have you had this pseudo-family unit?

    Do you and this friend have any sexual or romantic history? even if it is one-sided?

    • I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and apart of this pseudo family for about 2. When we were little (10 years ago) my friend was 'in love' with me but that was just a little crush from an elementary school kid.

    • Then.. ultimately, your boyfriend needs to deal.

      This predates him. Obviously there needs to be some compromise, but seriously, to let a strangers comment at the zoo bother him like that, dude is insecure.