How To Let Go Of The Past?

So, I did something as a kid that I still really regret now. It happened seven years ago, I haven't been worrying about it for so long because I guess I always had so much going on that I had enough to worry about in the present rather than waste time feeling guilty about the past.

And well, I'm in a situation where I feel a lot safer so I guess now is when the past catches up.

When I was eleven, I beat up my little brother. He was four years old.
Though I wasn't justified, I had no reason, I was psychologically doing as expected. I am jealous of my younger brother. Always have been. My stepmother treats him like a prince while I'm dirt under her shoe. She would beat me and my older brother into submission, though not very often.
She basically taught us that violence was how you got your point across.

That day my younger brother wanted a toy that I was playing with. It was his to begin with, but I knew he only wanted it because I was playing with it. He kept bugging me and it wasn't until he threatened to tell on me that I snapped.
I don't really remember it. I just remember the tail end of me throwing my fists at him and him crying then running off. I remember my stepmother standing over me, demanding an explanation, then when she never received one, dragging me down the hall by my hair. I'd been crying too hard to answer her, and I couldn't have said anything to make it better anyway. I was angry. That's all I wanted to say. I was angry.
As if that would have made it better.

My brother doesn't remember what happened. He remembers a few weeks later when I sat on his friends head, but he doesn't remember me hitting him.

I'm afraid of myself. Everytime I get angry I start crying. I can't get angry without becoming afraid of myself and the feelings anger brings. Because of what happened.

Because that's not the only time I've wanted to really hurt someone.

I want to know how I can forgive myself.
I'm tired of being afraid of myself.


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  • Try to get into therapy if you can. You need to learn coping mechanisms and healthy outlets for your anger.

    • Do therapists bulk bill? Because otherwise there's no way I'd be able to afford it.

    • I don't know, you'd have to talk to therapists in your area. If there are any universities in your area they usually offer therapy a bit cheaper than elsewhere. You can also look up online therapy which can be cheaper as well.