When I was 13 years old, my five week old sister died in her sleep from Braydeacardia Disease. I woke up to it, unfortunately. And ever since then I have had this massive fear of death. It scares the piss out of me.
I now have two children of my own. My son is 4 and my daughter will be 3 in a couple months. This doesn't happen 24/7 but it happens more often than not; I will go into these month long panic attacks thinking something is going to happen to my babies. This time around my sleepless nights have so far lasted probably around a month and a half. I maybe get 4 1/2 hours of sleep, if I am lucky. I will toss and turn in bed, thinking about absolutely everything that could possibly injure my babies. Even if it is the most stupid thing that would probably never in a million years happen. I still think about it.
I am a wreck. Like I said, for the most part these full blown panic modes only happen at night. I'm assuming it is a result of the PTSD that I have been suffering from since I woke up to my mom screaming and trying to perform CPR on my lifeless sister. It really fucked with me. But it has been almost 9 years. You'd think it wouldn't mess with me this terribly anymore?
I have spoken with my doctor about this and she wants to prescribe me a sleeping aid, which I refused. Once again, probably has to do with the fact that I'm mainly afraid of my kids getting hurt/dying during the night. So I will not take anything that results in me sleeping through everything and not being able to be woken up if my babies need me. I'm fucked in the head. I know. I can't imagine what most of you are probably thinking right now. But I need advice. Don't tell me to take drugs to help me. Given the info I've provided above, that's really not an option. But please, serious advice. This no sleep, constant panic mode shit is really starting to take its toll on me.
Most Helpful Guy
I hate to bring up religion, but maybe you need to find some spirituality in your life to give you that peace. Facing death and coming to turns with death becomes easier when you have that other piece filled. Not everyone needs it, but for those who are afraid of death, they should seek that peace. Personally, I am not afraid because I know that I've lead a decent life. I fear for the sadness for those I am leaving behind, but I have peace with my end. The biggest issue I think that stems these panic attacks is the lack of control because ultimately, you cannot control death because everyone dies. So, when you realize that worrying or having these anxiety attacks gives you something to do, but it won't fix that problem. You have to find that peace and you must believe in the positives in the world and not focus on the negative. Live to each day to the fullest, love your children with all of your heart, and be the best person that you can be. I recommend trying different religions.2