What improvements can I make to this?

It's just an excerpt but here is what I have:
In a flitted movement, too blurry for the man to see, the boy slashed away as if his arm was a sword. A stinging, galaxy of pain seeped into his mind like water spilling into a chasm. A galaxy of pain at first—then nothing. Ecstasy filled him. The boisterous knowledge of the worlds quarreled in his mind, against his mind, hurled itself into the maelstrom of his thoughts and deep emotions that he had not yet tapped into. Knowledge. Beautiful, unholy knowledge of time, and space—knowledge of everything that lay in the worlds. Before his very eyes, a dreamscape was built; empires rose, and worlds broke down; thousands of armies charging into the dust-possessed desert with warring look in their eyes fell to their knees, turned to friezes and charred packets of dust as if struck dead by phantom lightning; white-flames like that of a dizzying, alienated galaxy swallowed worlds by the million; Icy gusts scoured over rolling plains, freezing them over with a thick blanket of snow. And then, the scene melted like oozed lava, shattered like crystal, burned away along with the last tendrils of flames flickering out of existence. The world died, and stilled, frothed by serenity that the man did not think would ever break, serenity like that of a placid pond.


Most Helpful Girl

  • You repeat galaxy of pain.

    Spilling should be a much stronger word.

    "Beautiful, unholy knowledge of time, and space—knowledge of everything that lay in the worlds" - sounds way too close to God's knowledge, God forbid. Rewrite this part.

    I love the armies part.

    Either de-capitalize ice or put a period first.

    Take out the reference to lava. Stick with the crystal image.

    Change it to "the world died, stilled to serenity that the man thought might never break."


    Good imagery other than that one part that I said you should rewrite, mashaAllah. Just be really careful.

    • Also be careful about the "boisterous knowledge of the worlds" part. Missed that.

      In general be careful.

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    • Also thanks for mho!

    • Yeah, no problem. And if NaNoWriMo was meant as a question, then no; I started writing the first novel in the summer of Grade 10. So, it's been going on for an year or two now. I figured I could write the series and worry about publishing later. Mashallah, I have gotten to the fourth novel (I call it the Dragon-Incarnate). It is the sequel to the third book--The Roads of Time. Inshallah, I will be able to get it accepted by an agent who can publish my work.

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What Girls Said 1

  • I'll get back to you..

    • Okay. It is for a summative assignment in writer's craft. (But I am also writing novels though).

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    • Yeah that's true. Good luck, maybe I'll find your book on the shelves of Barnes and Noble ;)

    • Inshallah (God willing). My friend is reading my first novel.

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