How can I not turn bitter towards women after being alone for years?

I know that's an odd title but I'd rather no one go straight to posting insults so I'd like to explain myself.

Since I was about 15, I haven't had any friends. I've been able to laugh and joke with people at school but never had any actual friends I could trust. I went through a school (that was mostly guys) staying isolated, did well in exams and was hopeful college would be better. I then went to college and it's still the same. I've never had a girlfriend and I've never really had a social life at all. I know I'm not entiteld to sex or popularity but I'm tired of always being alone and after 7 years of it, it's hard not to be angry. I actually get on with people pretty well but I just can't have personal relationships with them.

I know it's not logical but I'm starting to feel really bitter and frustrated. I can't fit in and people aren't really interested in me (not their fault as they don't know me and have their own lives). I used to dream about getting married and girls I know online always say I'm sweet and caring but I've lost hope in that. It hurts that I've started to become really cynical and resentful towards love and women.

Is there anyway I can control my emotions better so that my loneliness doesn't make me a bad person?


Most Helpful Girl

  • "I've never really had a social life at all."
    I disagree. You've had a social life. You're not a hikikomori. It was just not something you considered awesome compared to 'normal' standard.

    It's really hard to find people you can trust. You can have a million people you talk to, but it's all surface level. And when you breach the surface level, you wonder... 'Oh, is it okay for me to ask them this?" or "Should I really tell them this?" That point is when you trust yourself to trust someone. And plunge in.
    Sure, the plunge may or may not be nice. Water's never to your temperature. It takes a while to adjust. And then you may not even realise when you've approached level 3 of friendship (if you've been swimming a while already).
    (Disclaimer: I just made these levels up. Woo. But I guess it's when you can maybe have petty fights with them, but know you've got each other's backs. Or joke with them knowing they understand you're not rude or desire to hurt them. Maybe.)

    "I can't fit in and people aren't really interested in me (not their fault as they don't know me and have their own lives)"
    Have you ever considered you've been playing 'Friendship' at 'Level: Advanced' where the security between levels is just that much harder to breach? What if you tried adjusting it to 'Level: Beginner' or 'Moderate' for a while?
    What I mean is... if you presume people are happy and wanna be stuck in their own little lives, then you should be happy in your own little life with a label on your door, 'I can't fit in, so I won't let people fit in.'
    You know what gets me about one of my 'friends'? It's that she keeps saying I'm her 'best friend' but she takes an appointment to call me. Like... really? Am I a doctor? It would help to be a little bit more carefree about other people's spaces when you're playing tag with friendship, not so cautious that you bottle yourself up. I will text her at 3am because I feel like talking to her. I reach out when I want to. It's up to her when she wants to respond.

    That's the part where you take the plunge. You don't book appointments with water. You see it, and you dive. (Unless you're scared of the water, or diving in.) You'll only know if it works once you cause a little disturbance in other people's lives. You never know when they'll accept the disturbance and make it their own because it's fun/exciting for them. And if you realise that you really ARE a disturbance, back out and they can be back in their happy little closed up lives.

    • "I know I'm not entiteld to sex or popularity"
      LOL. What?

      "I just can't have personal relationships with them"
      Do you want to? You may or may not find people you can connect to in your current circle. You're gonna have to meet/ reach out to new people. If you're feeling asocial, well.. can't help that. Do it when you're in your better moods I guess? Or enjoy online friendship. Keyboard pals, yay.

      "Is there anyway I can control my emotions better"
      I think you've been controlling your emotions a bit to much. You've somehow made a comfortable yet irritating space for yourself within your 'isolation'. It's almost like you're waiting for someone to come knocking, and maybe save you/pull you out of your shell - you're waiting for someone to be your disturbance - but you realise it's like 'Waiting for Godot'.
      But that's just my opinion.

    • Show All
    • Anyway I'm hibernating now. Prefer to be asocial to the physical world. Happy cooped up in my room,

      Maybe you'd like to take a dig at this?
      Upto you.

    • "Umm... so you 'don't deserve sex'? Okay. o_O
      Masochist much? Or do you think sex is like some sort of justice? O_o"

      I honestly don't know what they mean. I just put that there in the OP to avoid all the "watch your privilege" crap.

Most Helpful Guy

  • I haven't had any friends since I was 12 and yet I prefer to be kind hearted towards everyone. Makes me feel better about myself.


Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • I think many of these are your insecurities. As many people have them for some time. Even i did.
    Everybody has their lives but people who want to share each other s life incidents are friends.
    If u r a sweet guy u automatically become attractive to many girls.
    Laughing off wid other people is ok. But we need real friends also in life to help us in our sorrows. Try to get to know urself better first. Ur likes, emotions etc. And see if u feel comfy wid oder people, den what type of people. And spend tym wid dem.
    I dont knw ur entire situation bcoz i guess sometyms oder people dont want to make frnds wid u, bt still u cn find one who is similar to u.
    Hope i cud help. And i sincerely feel these r just ur insecurities.


What Guys Said 2

  • Is it other people's responsiblility if *you* make no friends?

    • No and I know that.
      " I can't fit in and people aren't really interested in me (not their fault as they don't know me and have their own lives)."

  • Shouldn't you be angry at yourself though?