My life is a pathetic joke. Is it even worth living?

I'm going to summarize this as short as I can.
I'm living in recurring depression (which lasted 9 years at once!) for more than 2 months now, got eventually used to it, combated it, repressed it, lived with it and keep living with it.

Specifically why I am sad is because I can't have a job. Last year I had several job offers of which I accepted one, which was also inevitably terminated this January. This year I kept looking and looking, spammed my resume in every and I mean in every place in my locals without success.
I'm not getting an answer from employers and I submitted my resume 200 times already. Yes, I have a counter for that.

I can't have a calm and standard life if I keep being unemployed because I live in poverty ever since. With poverty comes health issues, lack of medical treatment for my chronic sicknesses and general unhappiness and whatnot.

I'm hungry, my diet is very poor and one-sided, I have few clothes, I'm craving things I cannot get without money, rarely have deodorants, need some new stuff and gear and I live in a piece of shit apartment which doesn't even has an adequate structure and furnishing and was once infested with bed bugs!

To top it all of, I don't even live in my native country! I'm an international citizen living for 6 years in another country (not by choice!), so I am stranded here until a miracle happens. Obviously I cannot relocate because I have no money to do so + I have 1 year remaining to finish my college degree (which I can do easily as the professors said).

And I am still sitting here without a duty, applying and waiting hopelessly.
Countless of times I had thoughts of blasting myself in the head.

I do things, that are fun but I can't enjoy myself anymore over the fact, that I'm still unemployed.

I have nothing else to do.

Fair warning: Do not suggest religion! If I find a word like religion or god, I instantly dismiss the rest of the message.


Most Helpful Guy

  • What are you majoring in btw? If it's something relevant to STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathemetics) then you should be fine in finding available job openings in the future after you graduate.

    Do you really want to just simply give up and end your own life? If you made it this far, quitting and dying is probably the last thing you would want. Just try to relax, there are a lot of things in this world we all don't have control over. Have you gotten any feedback regarding your resumes? What about Cover Letters? Did you send those too?

    What kind of a job you hope or want to have? What is it that you really want to do and can find meaningful and fulfilling and not just to get by day after day only feel like you have no choice but to go through all the monotonous bullshit just in order to cover for all expenses and necessities just in order for you to survive?

    • Aye, I'm studying Programming and Computer Science. It's a vocational education, middle-professional level.

      Yes, I do feel like giving up every day when I wake up and throughout the day. Just today I got 2 invitations for 2 interviews for testing programs. I sure won't be letting them down even if I was let down plentiful of times, I never give up finding a job. I'm tired of writing cover letters even if I could just write it and copy-paste them.

      I would like to have these as my jobs (as they are in my interest): Designer of videos, graphics, sounds, levels/maps in videogames, 3D artist, modelling, animator, modding. - but no way programming! Programming depresses me.
      I sure have some dreams given up, which includes traveling, going to places for vacations such as mountains, beaches and I want to relocate too! These are the first line of things I want to do. The first and foremost step is to become independent.

    • Show All
    • I tend to not make excuses for not getting a job (I'm too young and cannot be trusted, I have no experience, I haven't been working for too long anyway, I'm ___). I keep trying.

      I will try to contact my university for job opportunities. I even tried the one's that are hanging part-time job offers for students, to which I also applied and wasn't accepted or being called back.

    • Thanks for MHO!

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What Guys Said 3

  • When it comes to depression people might say talk to someone about it but that's what women do, best thing to do is to do something, anything. Maybe do some volunteer work if not work on a craft/trade. wood work will do. It'll be good for you

    I know the job market isn't the best, the thing when it comes to employment I'd try to get in through some sort of scheme, it seems that employers just aren't interested at times. Apprenticeship was my only hope

    is there homesickness on top of all that?

    C'est la vie, everyone has their time

    You could benefit from this though. It feels better to wait for something. When you get your first job It'll feel good. And you've got an extra incentive. I'm thinking that you can out do the co-workers

    DooMguy out

    • Aye.
      I do would like therapy but I can't afford that either.

      I had a job for 5 months. These 5 months were boring but my life was "steady" even if the pay was 333 euros a month. I could eat what I wanted and that was awesome!

      I also have somewhat homesickness , even if I don't like my country, it has got it's beauties.
      I'm again spamming my resumes to various places, waiting to either get no response or declined.
      Such is life.

  • Sounds tough. Obviously it's easy for people who don't have huge problems to say things like "Things will improve, wait it out!" or "Don't give up"... that's my first reaction to your post as well. Honestly, on this kind of forum there's not much anyone can say that'll really help, since we don't know you in person, what your problems are exactly, etc. But what I know for sure is that
    - life has twists and turns that you can't predict, so it really COULD (and no doubt will, given how life works) get much better at some point, but you need to be there to believe it!
    - I sure hope you can find ways to manage for now, and remember that there are always people in even worse situations
    - connecting with people - especially face to face - can change the way you feel about your life. So keep doing stuff and learning more, all the while trying to meet interesting people (esp. girls!), and maybe others in similar situations as you (you're never alone)
    - stay interested in science (I saw one of your earlier posts) and away from religion (as you say yourself).

    Good luck and keep your chin up!

    • Thanks man.
      That means the waiting is not over yet.

  • It all depends on what your degree is in. If it is a shitty degree then you will have a shitty life. If it is an amazing degree then you should wait it out. If it is a middle-of-the-road degree then you will just be sad but still afford deodorant.