Once again.. how are the lyrics that I just wrote?

this time I concentrated on rhyming words... like a lot..

there you go... here is "THE STRANGE ME"

VERSE: BE it sometimes.
or most times,
There are somethings I hide all the times.
My consciousness takes over
pressing my emotions lower.
trying to be strong,
knowing I am wrong.

CHORUS : There is this strange me
that really wants to change me.
I hate it badly,
but I fake it sadly.
its funny when I try,
But i just can't cry.
feeling like it ain't worth it,
so flush it,
says the strange me!

VERSE: Feeling like its all fiction,
when I want to apologise
all I see is contradiction.
I drown in the sea of silence...
not a sorry nor a word
seems like total defiance.

BRIDGE:A second I care
another I don't.
I want you to care
but I know that you won't.
maybe this is my defence line
so you don't poke a hole
in my tiny spine.
I can see the shores,
but knowing whats on it,
Its always a bore.

@steveguitar @dangerdoge in case you didn't get my invite


Most Helpful Guy

  • Alright you probably won't like what I have to say, but I'll say it anyway in the hopes it will make you better.

    1.) The lyrics are suffering from cliches still. The cliches make it sound cheesy. The reasoning behind this is word choice I think. You are throwing common words and common rhymes and making it too simple. It makes more sense, but it is too straight forward. I suggest looking at bands (i. e. Goo Goo Dolls, Arctic Monkeys) you find that write great lyrics and look at their word choices.
    Throw in extended metaphors, metaphors, overly expressive language. Sometimes it is nice to take your emotions and apply them to a story, so the audience figures out your emotions from the story rather than you stating directly. Analyze at how they write and compare it to yours. Expand your word choice.

    2.) I think you focused too much on the rhymes that it hurts the piece. Rhyming is nice in a song, but it isn't a requirement. By restricting yourself to perfect rhymes, it forces you make word choices that aren't the greatest and to make things that don't really say much. It's a common mistake I've been through plenty of times. Focus on getting your point across, and if you can make a rhyme still with strong word choice, go for it. Otherwise no need. Rhyming is more important in choruses than verse also in my opinion.
    Also, consider near-rhymes for some parts. Here is a bit of lyrics for one of my songs during a clean bridge:
    "If I should turn back time? (If he should turn back time)
    Could I fix such imminent demise? (If he should turn back time)
    Such a new dawn rears too bright of light,
    And exposes the transparence of our worth"
    Kind of like how "time" doesn't rhyme perfectly with "demise" nor "light." This helps break up your song and give you more freedom in word choice. I'm more of an instrumentalist than lyricist but hopefully you get the point.
    The content comes first. Think of your message, think of a clever theme to say your message, then write the words that best convey your message. If you can make it rhyme, great.

    Now, I know I'm being critical on these, but I also remember showing a song I wrote to a friend. He laughed at me and said it was so cheesy and cliche. It was embarrassing, but it also made me work harder. Now my lyrics have improved substantially I'd say. Pushing past the criticism while taking note of it makes you a better writer.

    • ohh man... i have a very weak vocabulary... I mean like real weak.. any suggestions to improve it?

      and yes I always get confused where to put those rhyming words... when i do put them they sound cliche and when I dont, the words dont seem to flow in a rhythm

      As you are also a songwriter did you try your skill in the international song writing competition?

    • also did you improve your song writing via experience or by some website; I would like to know.

    • Most of my lyric vocab I got just from exposure to music and simply growing up and learning words naturally. What also helps is having the instrument parts first and writing the lyrics after. For me, the instrument part helps me give an inspiration and keeps me focused on the theme/emotion of the piece.

      What may help is looking is at bands you like, looking at their lyrics, and getting a sense of their style. Incorporate their kind of writing style into your stuff. For instance, I like the bands Periphery and ERRA, so I got some of my style from them. This often means kind of complicated words, and not a ton of rhymes.

      Honestly though, a lot of it takes time and trial and error. You gotta just keep writing and trying to improve. As you write more, you'll pick up on techniques and ideas. A lot of it is experience. For rhymes, experiment with near rhymes.

      ... And I have not submitted my songs in international competitions. I don't think I'm quite skilled enough yet for that haha

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • Now your getting somewhere. :)


What Guys Said 2

  • I like it better, but there are some rhymes that don't need to be exact, like the first two lyrical lines. You don't need to write 'times' twice, because it dosnt really make sense, you can wrote time in the second one and it would still work. Definitely better

    • okay... what should I be focusing on (if anything) according to you?

      thanks in advance

    • I might add a little mystery, it's very in your face, and when it is sad and in your face it's hard to listen to. Thats juste thpugh, you may be relating to someone wih what you have, maybe just let in sit for a while and you may come up with better stuff

  • dope.