How do I become more confident?

I'm a sensitive/emotional person, and I am very afraid of how other people judge me. Mainly because their words may harm my mental state, and I may possibly end up in a depressed/suicidal state which is something I do not want. I try to put myself out there, but at the end of the day, I still get depressed that I'm still alone. I try not to let things get to me, but sometimes, I have to cry before I get over something. I try to not care what others think of me, but sometimes I feel like the scars of high school come back to me. I start to think about how others treated me in high school, and I become afraid again of what others would think of me. I'm mostly trying to protect my fragile state of mind because it's been hurt so many times that I cannot seem to get out of my comfort zone to ask someone to hang out with me unless I've known them for quite some time.

Updates:
If anyone asks, I already see a therapist.
Just wanted to include that, I don't think most things make me happy anymore. I might feel "satisfied" that I'm doing something, but I don't necessarily feel "happy". I think the only time I ever felt happiness was when I was hanging out with a group of supposed friends, or when I had a boyfriend who I actually felt a connection for the first time unlike most people I tend to meet.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You have to learn to love yourself to become more confident

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    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • What does loving yourself look like?

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    • I try to take care of myself, but I don't have any motivation to take care of myself. It's like I want to, but I can't get up out of bed to do most things. How does you love yourself if your siblings think your a waste of space, and people around you never seem to like you for who you are. I don't understand how loving myself works. How do you love yourself if people reject you all the time even though you "love yourself". Something must be wrong with me if people never want to be around me.

    • Loving yourself is making yourself eat a meal, when you don’t have the energy to get out of bed. Loving yourself is taking a walk outside, when all you want to do is waste away in your bedroom. Loving yourself is learning not to take what others say about you seriously. EVERY person has worth and value. Nobody should make you feel like you have no value, you DO!

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What Guys Said 46

  • The very first thing is to make yourself remember that no matter how low you feel, how much self esteem you've lost, you much pains and bullying you had to undergo in your high school years, how much you've been hurt by family and friends, how many times you've let yourself and others down, YOU ARE VALUABLE. You are precious.
    Everyone is unique and no one is any less than the other person. Even your therapist, knows that he/she can only advice you and ultimately you have to stand for yourself. A butterfly when it comes out of the cocoon has to undergo a lot of struggle to break open the shell that's keeping it from flying. If the struggle is removed, then we may not be able to see a beautiful butterfly but a rather dull one which would die soon. You might say to yourself, "I'm a loser" or "My life is horrible". I feel really sorry if you've felt that way but you've ask a counter question what are the situations that are making you feel shameful of yourself and undermining your confidence. You're just 19 with a good life ahead of you which should not be wasted to depression. You are strong enough to survive all this. Just don't let few bad episodes put an end to your story on a suicide rope.
    Even when you feel alone don't bring up past thoughts. Go out of house. Greet a random person, a postman or even the grocery shopkeeper. Cheer them up. It seems stupid to do so but believe me. The most selfish thing that you can do is to make others happy because the joy and satisfaction will return to you in the form of purely innocent smiles. The more you smile the lesser negativity comes to you. Give happiness to the needy with your affection and care. A word of kindness, an act of mercy, a handshake of friendship, a hug of love, every little details of goodness makes a difference. And as your mind becomes free, take care of your body. Go out, jog, exercise or play some field games with people who care for you. Since most things don't make you happy, get involved in the least things that would keep you away from negativity.
    And for your spirit, have a personal time with GOD. Ask for his grace and guidance to wade through tough times for when he gave you life he gave you enough strength to live. For him you're the precious. You need him very much right now. His presence does wonders. Only you have to believe.
    I've went through worst things in life. I can really empathize with your feelings and conditions right now. Forget the past. You don't live there anymore.

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    • Forgot to add something. Take it easy. One step at a time. It's all about accepting yourself. Just don't push yourself down. Let me know, when you feel confident.

  • Well for one thing you need to stop looking for an emotional crutch to lean on. Supporting your own emotions is a skill you must tech yourself through acomplisments and being proud of yourself for them no matter what anyone else thinks. Keep striving towards your accomplishments that you want but don't make them something that's beyond your control such as a relationship goal. Those things are earned sweety

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    • I've already tried supporting my own emotions. It's very difficult for me in general because I never know how to make myself feel better.

    • No one said it would be easy. Try this, look yourself in the mirror and actually talk to yourself like the person in the mirror means something to you. Tell her that she is beautiful and from now on it's just going to be her and you against the world 👍. You must take it to heart and mean it or this isn't going to work. You must treat the person in the mirror as your new date and love and care for her like you would your boyfriend. Chin up my dear things will get better

  • I think... confidence is a gradual thing. I suffer from a kind of weird issue where I have self esteem issues but at the same time I'm a really prideful person. Highschool was a rough period of time for a lot of people, including me, and uni right now doesn't seem much better tbh. But hey. We gotta keep going, right? There's gotta be a light at the end of this tunnel. :) so chin up elaine. You got this! ^^

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    • In my opinion, university is so much better than high school. Everyone is so kind at my college unlike my high school. At least most people don't bother me for petty reasons.

    • Agree. But my college is very... liberal in their political beliefs, while I'm a hard stickler for being independant. I've had issues in some of my classes where professors, TA's, and my peers have basically made life harder for me simply because I don't subscribe 100% to their beliefs. It's also somewhat difficult finding friends with similar interests when you have ones like mine haha.

  • Happiness starts from within. Try lots of things and see what you like. I'm 43 and not everyone likes me. But lots do. I shoot from the hip. As my dad used to say " fuck em if they can't take a joke" . life is special. You can't love anyone if you first don't love your self.
    As for high school. .. congradulations ... you survived. It's been my experience that adolescents don't care about other people. The people who made your life a hell. They may have had a horrible home life and took it out on you. Others may have been too self centered to care about other.
    You need to tell yourself your perfect just the way you are. Your alive Healthy and young. You have your whole life ahead of you. My advice if you were my daughter... would be.

    Pick your self up, wipe away the tears. Work hard put 100 a week away in rrsp. Save 1/4 of your pay. Spend the rest. Get some hilights. Try something new once a week. Read a book. Dress up like a lady once a week. Learn a second language. Get a passport . Dip your toes in both oceans or as many as possible. And when it comes to men. Don't give it away. A worthy man will wait and respect you. Don't be afraid to ask him out first. Offer to pay Half. Say No. Say Yes. Watch a comedy clip on you tube once a week. Live don't lock your self up. Pitty won't make you stronger. Get a fish. Grow some plants in a garden. Never stop Trying. Regret nothing and forgive the past.

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  • Just think about why is important what other people say? The only really matter is what you think, to do what you want to do and don't limit your own life for what other people think about you. Send me a message and I will help you with that ✌

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    • Sometimes I feel like I don't want to do anything, and just want to stay in my bedroom all day sleeping until everything just goes away because it's where I feel the most comfortable.

    • Hey, Elaine, let me show you that not all the people is as bad as you think.. send me a message, I need friends too

  • Hey bub ! Been a real tough life with all these problems. You think about everyday?
    I am 44 years old , nine fingers , two legs , brush my teeth everyday sometimes twice , own four vehicles , two trucks two cars and two houses , seven years of engineering college $67000.00 in debt. I work at McDonald's former alcoholic, former drug user , bald headed , very super excited individual unmatched anywhere.
    Here is the real sad part. My parents died when i was very young. I have no friends except co-workers. No family what so ever. Haven't had passion or sex since December 23 1991. I go to church, participate in charities, public events on on. I am so ugly when i meet a blind date her first words are "whoa " being sad? Trying crying every night for the next twenty years. I don't even know how to cry at sad things anymore. And now i get accused of being heartless. So? Your now Prepared " Damned if you do. Damned if you don't "
    Love ya bro , quit feeling sorry for yourself ain't nobody going to love you like yourself. And at 40 we still get picked on cause we haven't got laid in 6 years.

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  • I can really understand that feeling (if you want proof just look at my instagram accounts @flauscheflocke and @hamamadara) and I had a really hard time at school too and I was a really afraid person but I was always interested in psychology so that probably had the best effect. People will judge you, always, but try to see what they say from a distance. Like they said it to someone else in exactly the same situation. And you wouldn't believe what body language can do. Smile even if it's hard to even move your lips. Stand straight. Chin up. It's our mental state that affects the body language too but more relevant is that it works in the opposite direction too. At first it may feels bad or silly but keep doing it. I would recommend you to search for jordan b peterson on youtube. Watch some of his lectures. They're long af I know but they're great. And charisma on command is another channel I can recommend. And just keep going. You will fail and fail and fail. But others do that as well and that's life. You fail until you hit the right spot.
    Ps: a realisation that almost killed my suicidal thoughts: the less you have to loose the more you're able to gain.

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  • I was also unconfident, like many of us. But what changed for me were my beliefs, my opinion of myself... in my opinion that is the key, If you dont like yourself you will never feel confident. Love yourself! And please dont make the opinion of others higher than your beliefs, never!

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  • From what you posted i can think of a few things.

    First thing i would do is look into mindfulness meditation. It will help you come to the realization that these emotions you're experiencing are just that. Experiences. You then have the ability to choose how you respond to them. That power is yours. So most everything is going to stem from sitting down and having a long, hard and honest look at your self worth and self confidence. You can do it.

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  • I don't know if confidence can be learned. I know shy is in my name, that's just cuz it makes a good name and sometimes I just prefer to be quiet cuz it's calming. I'm still really confident though, because confidence is so necessary in making it in life. You have to literally force it out of yourself.

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  • I had the same problem, but I learned I'm more confident when I drank, so I went out every weekend and drank until I gained so much confidence I can now socialize without drinking

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  • I understand where you're coming from... in many ways I feel the same... Online I feel I can be myself, but in person I go into a shell. Over the past few years I have gotten out of the shell only a little bit, but that's still better than nothing... And I did it because I finally realized that people will either like me for who I am, or not... and I don't need to waste my time with those who don't.

    Quality over quantity of friends

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    • update to this based on your updates... You are describing a female version of myself, so I know exactly how you feel

  • Be yourself
    Know yourself
    Believe in yourself
    Ounce you get these things right
    You will attain confidence
    Because
    Because the problem is you haven't acknowledge yourself yet
    You feel you're nothing
    But I must tell you
    If you can fulfil those things
    No matter what people say to you
    You will not be moved...

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  • You already became confident by asking this question in public. Crying is not a bad thing at all eveyone should vent out their fear, anger, frustration, endless list out of them to become a lighter n a better human being. Best thing to do is invest moat of ur time doing so. ething u like then thinking about people.

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    • In my opinion, I'm more confident online than outside of it.

  • Your not alone reading your post had me thinking about myself and how im just like that im always thinking back to bad high school moments and failed attempts at getting a girlfriend and i get all scared of people cause those high school kids were such assholes it makes it hard to try to make friends or even talk to people without fear of being judge just for being myself, all i can tell you is your not alone ok.

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  • I strongly suggest you find a good therapist you like, respect and get along with and let that person help you.

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  • You tell me :D , i am starting to become more confident and it does have to do with mirror's , not talking in the mirror but looking and thinking not to bad , just say perfect but that doesn't come through

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  • Do stuff that make you happy mentally and healthy mentally, go to the gym, go for hikes, camping, nature, feel your soul grow and if you feel happier you'll feel fuller of yourself and you'll feel more attractive

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  • Face your fears every day. Does something make you feel afraid, nervous or anxious? Then do it. That's how you become confident. By constantly pushing out of your comfort zone.

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    • A couple books I'd recommend are "the art of extraordinary confidence - aziz Gazipura" and "the subtle art of not giving a fuck - mark Manson"

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    • I did read. The unfortunate reality is that the only way to really get passed that is stepping out of your comfort zone. Used to be like you too. A therapist or life coach can also be extremely helpful. Those books should also help.

    • A professional could prescribe you medications to help jump start your mind, you sound like an SSRI could be helpful.

  • It is all down to how you view yourself, and how much importance you place on what other people think of you. Begin by looking at yourself, and seeing if you would like yourself. If not, then why?

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    • I think there's a lot that I don't like about myself because I'm depressed, but it may also unconsciously come from others such as I think I'm too skinny. I may think that most people don't like how "skinny" I am, and may think I'm anorexic because I have had someone ask me if I was which bothered me a bit.

    • Most likely you just think people feel that way. If You don't like that about yourself though, then start going to the gym. You will find that you are just fine.

  • I'd love to hear more opinions, I have the same problem. Except I don't talk about it🙈

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  • Honestly it just takes likeing yourself, the confidence comes after. I took notes on things i did well for a month i was generally happier with myself and more confident in what i did.

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  • Confidence is by the thoughts running in ur head which confims that you believe in your faith. Having strong base of moral values and beloved could help you in building confidence.

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  • Be more social like going to bar or meetings groups try going to party and talk to someone the only way to get confident is to talk to new people daily just normal stuff

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  • Check out Gary Vaynerchuk, And read "Psycho-Psybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz, as well as "Act As If" by Richard Wiseman, and "Meditations" by Marcus Auralius.

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  • Find someone who is confident and PATIENT, learn from them and let them teach you, I've been teaching people for years now how to come out of their shells

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  • I honestly had to go through a lot of emotional pain to learn how not to give a fuck. Once you learn how not to give a fuck about those thing you will feel better and more confident

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    • I've already been through a lot of emotional pain, but it still hurts about years and years and years. It makes me feel inhumane to not feel much. I think it just makes me more depressed that I might become cold and distant if I learn to stop feeling more than I do now. I have to admit I do feel less sensitive than I was in the past, but I also feel like I'm becoming colder and that kind of makes me unhappy that I feel like I might not be able to sympathize with someone one day be unable to emotionally relate to another person because I've stopped caring.

    • I know what you are feeling because I lived it too. Trust me I know how crazy your mind and emotions are driving you

  • We'll girl start exercising and get fit. It will increase your confidence, you will feel good about yourself and get into a relationship or just get laid

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    • I want to exercise, but I'm still working on getting my license to actually drive to places and not rely on others.

    • Why don't you just walk to the gym or may be jog

  • Put yourself in positions that will take you out if your comfert zone. Be bold and try to concor the things you fear.

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  • Yesterday is gone. The most important days of your life are today and tomorrow. Be strong, be happy!! You deserve it.

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What Girls Said 7

  • Physical activity is a great mood elevator. You need to find a way to get active every day. Build your body and everything else will improve, especially your confidence. I was really skinny growing up and hated my body. When I was 13 I had no confidence and got made fun of, but I built my body and I'm now the most confident person I know.

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  • When I read your post, I instantly wanted to reach out to you.. I would love to talk to you and hopefully give some words of encouragement..
    The one thing I can guarantee is you truly are not alone in the way you feel about yourself and life.. sending Tons of love, light and support your way..

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  • Welcome to Gag Town and Best of Luck.
    This is a Good way to Start. xxoo

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  • I can give two shits what people think of me lol. That wasn't always the case esp in my youth, it just takes some training of the mind. After all why care what they think? What makes them so special and why let them have that power ya know? We all have our good and bad days and the bad ones I must say can take a toll. It's hard to find friends or bf/gf that you can click with I hear that. I sympathize and struggle off an on with this same thing you are going through. I find sometimes a good cry and nap can help :) even a walk and taking in the air. If you need an ear , feel free to message me. I been told I'm a good listener.

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    • I think I just cherish the people around me more. I want to love the people around me, but it's like I'm not good enough for anyone to be around or to talk to. It's just so difficult to talk to others.

  • You just gotta brainwash yourself to be more confident

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  • Same. Just find out what makes you unconfident and try to change it.

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  • How about you start by loving yourself?

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    • I'm trying, but it's difficult when you don't know how to. I even asked my friend "What does loving yourself look like?" because I couldn't imagine what loving my own self would look like. She told me it was being confident, but that's something that's also difficult for me.

    • What do you see when you look at the mirror? Criticize or acceptance.

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