Social Media And Relationships: Why It's Okay To Care

[samhradh_leannan]

"Calm down, it's just Facebook."

"It's only Twitter, it doesn't mean anything."

"Why do you care? It's none of your business anyway."

"It's ridiculous to get upset by social media."

"Let him have his fun."

"Girls will be girls."

"You're being oversensitive."

If you have heard or used any of these excuses for someone's behavior on social media, this myTake is for you.

Here on GirlsAskGuys, it's common to hear questions such as "My boyfriend 'follows' models Instagram. Help!" Or "Why did my girlfriend 'like' this guy's shirtless photo?" It's just as common to see these types of dismissive responses: "It's none of your business." "Don't be oversensitive." "It's just harmless fun." "Stop being so controlling."

But why do we, as a society, seem to think that almost anything a person says or does via social media is automatically harmless? Why is our behavior online perpetually exonerated, while people who are upset by what they see are ridiculed or dismissed? Why do we believe that our words and actions don't carry any meaning or impact, simply because they are accompanied by a hashtag? That our behavior online should be immune to judgement, and that our significant others should be impervious to our online behavior?

We treat social media like a virtual world. We can't hurt anyone, because it's not real life. There are no real people, just photos and avatars. There are no real words, just letters, symbols, buttons to press. Just a 'like'. Just a 'follow'. It's one little click- what harm could it do?

This notion of social media as a magical consequence-free zone is dangerous for relationships, because it promotes an environment where people don't feel accountable for their actions. It puts partners in a position where they feel pressured to ignore their feelings and instincts, and then healthy communication within the relationship is hindered. Partners feel free to behave in ways that are inconsiderate or disrespectful towards their relationship, and their significant other feels obligated to put up with it, on pain of being seen as oversensitive or controlling. That's an extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship dynamic.

It's important to remember that a person's behavior on social media does in fact carry meaning and weight. Here's why it does:

1. Social Media Is Social

Sometimes people defend their behavior on social media by invoking their right to privacy- "It's none of your business." "You shouldn't be spying on me in the first place." "I didn't force you to look at it." But social media is social. You cannot blame someone for seeing it or noticing it. You may as well yell at someone and then accuse them of eavesdropping. You may as well shove your wallet into someone's hands and then accuse them of stealing it. You may as well... get the point?

Everything you do on social media represents you: your thoughts, your feelings, your priorities, your goals, your interests, your desires. When you post something, 'like' something, or 'follow' something, that action is made public, and you must remember that people will see it. That's the entire point and purpose of social media. It is not your private playground, it is a space intended specifically for communicating and sharing with others. So before you publicly 'follow' that scantily clad Instagram model, consider the message that action will send to your audience- your SO, your friends, and even current or future employers (yes, they see that stuff).

2. People Don't Do Things For No Reason

When you share, post, like, follow, etc, you do it for a reason. That content was meaningful to you in some way, important to you. Important enough to inspire you to express your appreciation for it, save it for future use, or share it with others. You wouldn't perform those actions otherwise. Your actions reveal your priorities. Thinking about telling your boyfriend that he shouldn't be upset about those fitness models you 'followed', because it "doesn't mean anything to you"? Think again. If it didn't mean anything to you, you wouldn't have bothered to do it in the first place. You are not some sort of mindless robot that is programmed to behave a certain way. You are not helpless in your actions. You have autonomy, you make choices, and you have reasons behind those choices. "It didn't mean anything" is rarely a legitimate excuse for anything.

3. Common Courtesy

Chivalry may be outdated, but common courtesy will always be in fashion. A healthy relationship requires that you care about your SO's feelings, and sometimes that will mean altering your behavior in order to avoid hurting them. Welcome to being in a relationship. Don't want to compromise? Don't date. Your partner's feelings SHOULD be more important to you than your opportunity to express your appreciation for a stranger's abs or leave a slightly-too-friendly comment on that other girl's photo. Delegitimizing someone's reaction to your behavior by implying that they are crazy or oversensitive is not just disrespectful, it's also a form of emotional abuse. Their feelings are real, so take them seriously, and work to find a compromise that you both can feel comfortable with.

4. That said...

Every individual and couple is unique in what they feel comfortable with. Acceptable behaviors in a relationship are on a spectrum- it's not black and white. It depends on what each person feels comfortable with and how that fits together in the relationship. And of course, every individual always has the right to behave however they want to behave- it's just a matter of whether or not you should be in a relationship in the first place, if you want to behave in ways that hurt or disrespect your SO. The real point I want to make with this myTake is that it's okay to care about what you see on social media, because social media is still real life. You are allowed to have a reaction.

Thanks for reading!

Image sources:

negosentro.com

mashable.com

socialmediasocialmedia.nl

heartspoken.com

[BrittBratt2416]

I get tired of people telling other people that they are insecure or controlling just cause they don't are not comfortable seeing their boyfriend/girlfriend like, follow, or comment on bunch of pictures that look like this:
www.xxlmag.com/.../Hot-Women-With-Sexy-Abs-13.jpg
I get it, there are other good looking people in the world but there's gotta be some sort of line. People say who cares if he's lusting for other women who aren't you in pictures or pornos cause he's with you. Well what's the point of being with me if that person in the picture or video is what you really want? It doesn't matter if it's just for sex either, you are clearly telling your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend that in some way they still aren't enough for you. To me its subconsciously saying this is what I truly want but sense I can't have it I will settle for pictures, videos, and course the person I'm comfortable with. And as a Christian woman, I see it as being somewhat selfish, not truly happy with what you have, cause if they really did have the choice or chance to date the people they're lusting for I'm sure they would take it. My thing is if that's what you want, then go for it and stop settling.. if you think you can do better then do better. People do it all the time, if someone wants to buy a product but see the same product being sold for less what do most people do? Go for the cheaper aka better deal so why doesn't that apply to dating? The grass isn't greener on the other side they say, true.. but you won't know unless you try.

[castratedwhiteguy]

No! If the person is a creep, or isn't being honest with you, than you'll find out about it in real time soon enough. If you hack into your SO's private social media than you look childish and insecure. Your SO still does have a right to a certain amount of privacy and the right to decide which things need to be kept out of the relationship for the long term good of the relationship.

[BrittBratt2416]

@castratedwhiteguy So your saying keeping secrets away from your partner is good for a relationship? That's not good for any relationship, that's living a lie. Of course men are going to keep that fact they are cheating or sexually looking at other women away from their spouse, men aren't that stupid they know it will cause conflict. They also keep it a secret cause they don't want us to know that they have another woman on the side or that we're the other woman, they want to have best of both worlds so if it things don't work out with whoever they are speaking to, they can just fall back on the person they are in relationship with. You wouldn't have to keep it a secret if you just broke up with your girlfriend and stayed single therefore you can look and date as multiple women as you want. Women wouldn't have to break you're privacy if you told the truth from the very beginning. Men seem to love the you prove my privacy line when women find out they have been cheating.

[castratedwhiteguy]

Actually, keeping certain secrets away from your partner can actually be good for the stability of a relationship. For example, my wife flatly refused to discuss anything that happened during her first marriage. All I can guess is that some crazy shit went down in her previous life and I strongly suspect that she cheated on him several times. However, my wife didn't feel comfortable bringing the details of her first marriage into our relationship. That was her choice and I respected her boundaries.

Also, what happens if you go snooping through your SO's internet history and you find out that he has a secret diaper fetish, or some other weird kink that he doesn't want you to know about because he's afraid that you won't accept it or that you will downright disrespect him for it? The fact that he hid this side of himself from you means that he values the the relationship he has with you more than his kink.

When you violate a person's privacy you don't know what you'll find.

[BrittBratt2416]

@castratedwhiteguy You're talking about past relationships, I'm talking about men who try to use the the "you don't trust me, you're insecure, you shouldn't break my privacy!" excuse when their wife or girlfriend ends up finding incriminating evidence of them cheating on their social medias/phone to direct the guilt off themselves and onto their partner. A lot of people do not care what went down in the sheets in the past relationships, the only thing they want to know is if that relationship is 100% dead and done and that your not going back and forth between them and the ex. Small secrets like not wanting your partner to know what type of birthday, anniversary , or Christmas gift is fine, but when it starts dipping over to the I'm cheating and think that's okay to keep a secret that's when we have a problem.

[castratedwhiteguy]

All I can say is that you must have dated some pretty sleazy guys in the past to make you feel the need to hack into your SO's internet and cell phone activity to be sure that he isn't cheating on you. My sister didn't need to stoop that low to find out that her husband was cheating on her because he made it painfully obvious in real time.

Personally speaking, I have a basic cell phone I use for business and family related purposes only. So if my SO wanted to investigate my internet activity she would first need to hack into my laptop, than she would need to scroll through my hundreds of bookmarks. Than she would need to discover my user names and passwords for the various email accounts that I have and for the web sites that I visit. So any woman who distrusted me that much to feel the need to go through that much time and trouble is a women who I wouldn't want in my life anyway. On the other hand, any guy who leaves incriminating evidence on his cell phone deserves what he gets.

[samhradh_leannan]

This mytake is not intended to condone snooping. Social media is there for people to see.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Honestly because regardless of the fact that social media is "social", liking a model's picture is not the same as interacting with a real girl face to face with intention to cheat. It's literally ACKNOWLEDGING somebody attractive. Most men and women can't hookup with or fuck the celebrities they follow, and most people regardless of if they have a digital trace still look at an appreciate other attractive people.

However there is a point where it is obnoxious, where all you follow is hot guys and girls and you comment on every photo trying to get their attention. Yeah, that's lame. But overall acknowledging the online existence of other attractive people is no different than looking at someone on the street, what's important is that regardless of the fact that you find them attractive, you don't actively try to get with that person because you love the person you're with. This whole idea that you can't appreciate other hot people in the world is based solely on insecurity in my opinion.

[samhradh_leannan]

There are different ways of looking at this issue, for sure. But to me, acknowledging that someone is attractive online is very different from simply looking at someone in real life, because you are making an actual statement by 'liking' or 'following' them. Just looking would still be just looking. You can look at a hot model on social media without leaving evidence of it behind. Yet for some reason, people feel the need to leave proof of their attraction... and that's what takes it to the next level, in my opinion.

[RJGraveyTrain]

I don't get it though - it's still happening even if you don't "like it." I don't see a click as adding or negating the significance of it. It seems like deep rooted insecurity is more at work there. I don't know how other people treat social media but I "like" just about everything on my page, it isn't meaningful. If someone is okay with their partner being attracted to other people, looking at other people, the only thing that's wrong about it is if you KNOW they do?

... I'm sorry but that's goofy to me personally. I know my man finds other women hot, he knows I find other men hot, neither of us would care if we added a "like" to a picture because it is nothing more than expressing... approval, like? If that bothers you so deeply my advice is to keep social media out of your relationship completely.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Like I said, I'd get it if they were trying to interact or openly raging and ranting about how hot a celebrity is, that's fine, but a 2 second double tap is hardly an expression of serious issue or infidelity unless it's being taken to an extreme, in my opinion anyway. I've spoken to my partner about this before and about the women he finds attractive in the media, and his opinion essentially was: they're fun to look at, but that's it. Most of them I'd never approach in real life, because they don't seem real. I love real women, and I love you.

I don't know, I've never personally been bothered by such things so maybe I'm somehow biased. But if it was an issue yeah, get rid of social media.

[samhradh_leannan]

I'm not arguing that it is related to actual infidelity. But I think it's inconsiderate. You could easily choose not to 'like' or 'follow' in those situations, yet you actively choose to advertise to your audience that you did so. It's all about how you want to represent yourself. If neither you nor your partner is bothered by this behavior, then it's not an issue. That's fine. Everyone is different. But I don't think it's crazy to not want to see my boyfriend leave behind tangible evidence of other women he's attracted to. He can't help being attracted to other people, by he can help clicking the 'like' button. That's the difference that is so important to me.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Isn't that the whole point of social media though? Again, the situation sounds resolvable by not having social media.

[samhradh_leannan]

The point of social media is to communicate and share content, but that doesn't HAVE to include making statements about who you think is attractive. That's a choice you make. Which is fine, if that's what you want to do- but you're not immune to the responsibility of having made that decision. You have to accept that you chose to engage in an optional behavior.

[RJGraveyTrain]

I get making a statement, but a "like" isn't really stating anything. It's... a like.

Lol I don't know man it just seems super insecure and dramatic to me. We'll have to agree to disagree.

[samhradh_leannan]

We can agree to disagree. But if a 'like' is not a statement, then what is it? What is the point of bothering to click the 'like' button, if not to SHOW that you like something?

[castratedwhiteguy]

I disagree with this. In my case, I've always post anonymously on social media whenever I want my privacy protected and when I want the freedom to be totally hard core and brutally honest. In my anon posts, those discussions were never intended to be seen by my friends or anyone in my family; including my mother or my girlfriend.

You need to understand that for many people the internet has replaced the old hand written diary as the place where people can express their private thoughts openly and without fear of personal judgement. Just like it would be a major violation of trust if my grandfather had secretly read my grandmother's diary many decades ago, it's also a major violation of trust today for a girlfriend to hack into her boyfriend's computer or smart phone and start reading his anonymous posts.

The way I see it is that any post that I make on social media, using my real name, is fair game for my family, my girlfriend and my employer. However, my anon posts are intended to be private and that distinction should be respected. If anyone close to me ever crosses that line than he or she is the creep and the aggressor and that person will be dealt with accordingly...

[samhradh_leannan]

I didn't mean that nobody has the right to keep anything private. Although, obviously, the nature of the content matters here.

[castratedwhiteguy]

If you have any doubts about the character of a person you're dating than just pull up his record on truthfinder. com. Those records are public and you'll learn if he's been divorced, arrested or committed a crime. But secretly tracking your SO's internet activity, and for any reason, is a recipe for mistrust and misunderstandings. I can't think of a better way to destroy a relationship. Like I said before! If he's a bastard than you'll find out about it soon enough in real time, just like your grandmother did.

[samhradh_leannan]

Thing is, noticing what your SO does on social media is in no way "secretly tracking" them. That's one of the main points of this myTake. Social media is there for people to see- you can't get mad when your SO pays attention to what you're doing on there.

[castratedwhiteguy]

I can agree with this, but only if you're not secretly tracking him. If he's posting disrespectful garbage on a high profile space like Facebook than you do have a right to know about it.

[samhradh_leannan]

This myTake never mentioned snooping through your SO's devices or secretly tracking their behavior. It's only about social media, period.

[Unit1]

I would never date any girl, who is insecure in regards to social media.

In fact any confrontation about it qualifies for me as a near dealbreaker.

To get upset about the virtual world of social media is the new category neighboring political/religious beliefs. Couples mismatching it, who have a problem with are actually *the* problem.
Some are making it a much bigger problem similar to real issues like cheating, giving no gifts on birthdays, lack of affections/sex or other real relationship problems (and in the first world countries!) than it actually is, which is only incomparable! Absolutely disgusting!

But since social media became the new worlds "cancer" I am avoiding it like the plague.

Now feed me with the downvotes. I'm hungry!
https://i.imgur.com/00WdC.gif

[Unit1]

s2.quickmeme.com/.../...544a29bdd30c168d0c4df1.jpg

derpicdn.net/img/2017/6/4/1453655/thumb.png

[samhradh_leannan]

So what is it about social media that makes it "virtual", not part of the "real world", and therefore exempt from the rules that apply to other types of communication?

[Unit1]

It's still communication of a kind like cellphone convo's, chats and emails. But just because you're in a relationship it doesn't mean everyone else stops existing or the boyfriend gets blind to the others. The issue is insecurity. Complimenting or liking other women online, that he will unlikely meet is nothing. Online sexting, flirting, plans for creating or other breaches of trust is crossing the line.

The key point here is insecurity and controlling behavior.

[Unit1]

Cheating*

[samhradh_leannan]

If you feel comfortable with that type of behavior, and you'd feel comfortable with your SO acting the same way, then that's fine. As I pointed out, each couple will be unique. But is someone a lunatic for not wanting to see that stuff happening? No way.

[Unit1]

I agree.

[Unit1]

*After reading the female responses*

Nope, nope, nope. I'm staying single!

[PearIyn]

this is such a good take.

but there are people who also say that just let them do whatever on social media as long as they don't cheat on you and stay loyal.

so i really don't know what to do.

[samhradh_leannan]

It's a personal decision.

[PearIyn]

yeah and im always in the middle, not knowing what to do ;-; im jealous of people with their own definite opinion like you.

[samhradh_leannan]

You'll get there :)

[zombiebabe]

i've heard it before n each time its the same lame ass excuse
they don't gaf if its makes you feel like shit.. all they do is keep following.. commenting etc... and make you feel worthless
they're stupid selfish assholes

[sedrftvgyhujik]

They will get very little from going through my Facebook mostly
just semi "nerdy" engineering discussions.

[Messiah89]

💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 all the way down the board an if your a chick💯💯💯💯💯 few more hundreds.

[Anonymous]

I don't know all the rules, don't care either

[samhradh_leannan]

Rules?

[pretty-kitty]

100% agree.

[404filenotfound]

Thanks for sharing!

[omgjassy]

This is true

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I think I don't know all of the rules...

[samhradh_leannan]

Rules?

[Opinion Owner]

Social media relationship rules...

[samhradh_leannan]

I think the problem is that people think the rules are different, when they really shouldn't be. If you are as polite and thoughtful on social media as you would be in real life, then you should be fine.

[Anonymous]

Interesting read

[disgustingweebtrash]

Thank you

[CT_CD]

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Interesting take

[Anonymous]

Well written

[Anonymous]

correct