Why is it that so many relationships feel great at first but fall apart? Why is it that after weeks of arguments about that one pet peeve with your partner they still don't lift a finger to fix it? What are we trying to communicate with our partners? And what are we missing from them? The answer is simple: We need something and we're not getting it.
I want to tackle this issue as best as I can by addressing the two main issues that make dealing with conflict in relationships a difficult task.
Respect
What is it that men crave more than anything else? The simple answer, respect. Many guys don't even realize how much they want respect because they're taught that if they have to ask to be respected they're just being an asshole and an arrogant prick. A group did a study to test whether respect or love was the main issue among couple's conflicts, they asked over 7000 people the simple question, "when in conflict with your spouse/SO, do you feel disrespected, or unloved?" 83% of men answered that they felt disrespected.
If we imagine couples as each having air-hoses guys and girls wouldn't be breathing the same air. The thing each needs to survive in a relationship is not the same. Men NEED respect. It's their air supply. Often times during conflicts, the issue is that we don't feel respected, and as a result, it can be compared to our partner stepping on our air-hose.
But what is the effect on women? In the same study 72% of women said they felt unloved when they were experiencing conflict with their spouse/SO. Women's air supply is Love not respect. Not to say women don't need respect nor that men don't need love, but for guys, love is a water source, just as respect is for women. Both are absolutely crucial, but because of the way in which we prioritize we fail to see the things our partners need from us.
Unlike men, the thing women crave most is love. Certainly we absolutely must respect them... but that's not why your girl is upset. She's upset because she feels unloved. To better explain how what, to a guy, just seems like an angry rant, is actually a cry for love let me explain.
Dealing with conflict
Not only do men and women have different priorities in terms of needs, but we deal with conflict very differently. When something is wrong in a relationship, a guy will retreat and take time to himself to think things through and deal with things on his own.
On the other hand, women usually feel the need to talk things through and to get everything sorted out. If something is wrong with the relationship, specifically with a person they care about, they will draw closer to them in an attempt to fix things.
This results in TWO major conflicts.
1). When a guy tries to retreat to deal with the situation and think things through, he looks to be shutting his partner out. She sees this as him not loving her. It's as though despite her attempt to fix things so that there can again be a healthy relationship, he's just drawn further and further away, and it simply makes her feel rejected.
2). When a guy tries to draw away from a conflict it's often for fear of being disrespected. Often his girl is just trying to help him see some things he could do to improve his behavior or love her better... the thing is all he hears is "you're not good enough," "I don't respect you." When she tells him to put the toilet seat down, it sounds petty and nagging. It sounds as though she thinks of him as a child and in doing so... she's stepping on his air tank.
Love
Women need love and respect. Men need respect and love. Both men and women are great at providing each other with water, but neither of them is ever really a natural at providing air. The thing is... most girls are happy to show the utmost respect to their spouses, S/Os, boyfriends, or whatever when they feel loved, and likewise men are more than willing to love their spouses, S/Os, and girlfriends. They're willing to be romantic, but it never really seems worth the effort for either party when the guy doesn't actually love her or the girl doesn't really respect him. Usually we have a tendency to just think "What good is it?" The good is a potentially very strong, and loving relationship between you and your partner for a long time to come so long as you are willing to show your partner the love and respect they crave, regardless of how worthy they've made themselves.
To those who think "I'll love her when she respects me," or "I'll respect him once he starts loving me and shows himself worthy," let me just say... that's not how it works. You'll never get anywhere in a relationship that way, and if ever there's a conflict where both parties are to blame... it is the more mature one who will apologize first.
P.S. I recognize not everyone is the same, and I don't mean to stereotype. I just want to bring attention to a key difference between men and women that many fail to realize with occasionally disastrous results.
Most Helpful Opinions