I Hurt the One I Love the Most, My Biggest Regret: A Cheater's Perspective

[Anonymous]

I'm not writing this to excuse my actions, I am accepting my faults. I would appreciate it if my actions & mistakes weren't to be bashed. I just feel like talking about it. Thank you.

I hurt the one I love the most, because I was hurt. I think it's safe to say a lot of people don't think straight when hurt and tend to make mistakes.

I love him very much, I do. But the one who I really loved tend to hurt me at times. It hurt me when he had been planning to leave me the first few months because of my past relationships while I thought everything was perfect between us. It hurt me he had been considering leaving me over my past when I thought we were fine the whole time. It hurt me when he said he didn't enjoy making love because all he could imagine is me with other people. It hurt me when he thought I was cheating on him with his best friend when I had actually been loyal. It hurt me that he's always quick to threaten he'd leave. It hurt me when he said, "I think we should take that break."

I felt broken because when he said those words, I felt myself losing him more & more. He was going to leave me.

I was in a vulnerable state when an old, past lover of mine messaged me. It has been almost two years. I lost my virginity to him. I was in love with him. And he just used me. He left me. We never talked again after a stupid fight we had. I was broken. But I never spoke to him again.

So when he appears in my messages, out of nowhere, saying hi.. Of course I was curious. Someone who I used to love who pretty much just left my life came back again. I wanted to know why.

We talked about what happened.. I shared my side, he shared his. He apologized. Looking back at it, his apology didn't even sound sincere, but at the time, I was pleased he came to just say sorry after all that silence.

He then started talking about how it used to be. Our history together. The times we made love. One thing lead to another, he said things, I said things. We had been talking sexually together through texts. And at the time I was okay with it because I figured, well. He's leaving me. I've been hurt throughout our relationship. I just wanted to forget.

Now, nothing happened between us besides those messages. I never met up with him even though he wanted to. I ended up mentioning I was in a relationship, but that things weren't working out, that we were on a break and that I thought he was going to leave me. I told him if he left, then I would go see him.

I never did. We stopped talking. I made up with my boyfriend. & now the guilt was taking over. I vented about it to a friend. They told me to just block my ex out of my life, but to not tell my boyfriend because it would hurt him. I knew it would hurt him, but I couldn't hide it. I ended up confessing about it, &.. He was losing it. I've never seen him this hurt. He was crying. He couldn't believe my betrayal. He showed hate. He kept insulting me. But when I tried to leave, he went after me. He said he still loved me. He still wanted to be together. The whole thing was tragic and sad, seeing him hurt this badly, and knowing it was because of me, it made me want to die. I know, who am I to say that I felt heartbroken seeing him like that, when he's the one who's heart I broke? But anyone who isn't heartless would feel guilty about doing something like this to someone you love. It was a mistake. A really bad one. I should've blocked him right when he messaged me. I shouldn't have fell for it. And because of my vulnerability, I let someone who broke me in the past ruin something that could've been a perfect relationship.

Despite everything, he stayed with me. I feel selfish for letting him stay. I love him so much, but I know he deserves better. I just can't make myself leave.. And I know I wouldn't do it again. I know I've learned from my mistake. I know that since then, I've dedicated myself completely only to him. But I feel awful because I hurt him that badly. If I had to describe my lover, I would describe him as he does not let anyone in so easily. It's like he has this wall built around him that blocks anyone from entering his heart or prevents anyone from seeing his true feelings. He'd always hide and be protected behind this wall. He would never let anyone through. He would never let anyone in his heart. But he let me in. He fell in love with me. He trusted me. Only for me to break that trust. Which hurt him so bad, bad enough that he ended up closing off. Building even more walls that were stronger. Now it's harder to let me in. It's even harder for him to trust me than it was before. And it's all my fault.

He stayed with me, but he'll always have that thought in the back of his mind whether or not I'm being faithful or honest. I am trying. I am trying to regain his trust. I am wholeheartedly loyal to him as of right now and I plan to stay that way. I plan to do anything I can to let him believe it's safe to let me back in. Because I love him so much. I see him in my future.

I know I'm going to be bashed. I was the one who cheated after all. I know I didn't cheat in person, but I do still consider it wrong, talking to someone that way online. He was an old lover who's trap I fell for. & now my current lover's self confidence is ruined, he told me himself. That broke me even more. But I have no room to feel broken. Because I was the wrongdoer. I just feel so conflicted. I feel wrong for what I've done, but I also feel like I'm not even allowed to feel hurt from what I did to someone else.

Everyone shames cheaters. They're seen as heartless, the worst, unchangeable. But what about the cheaters who feel enough guilt to want to die? The ones who show remorse, the ones who have a heart, the ones who were just hurt themselves & made mistakes due to that. The ones who can never forgive themselves for hurting someone they really love. What about us?

I can already hear the people telling me to just leave him already since I'm the worst, or making fun of how I feel. But whatever. These are just my thoughts. And it makes me wonder if there are others that feel the same way as me. I also can't help but wonder if what I've done is really forgivable or.. are we doomed? I hate myself for what I've done.

[englisc]

The reason guys get funny about a girl's past is exactly because of this kind of behaviour. Girls who've been quite promiscuous tend to act like this a lot, they make a lot of bad choices and are often easily fooled and seduced because of that. They think that these things shouldn't be such a big deal when they should, for example you know now that you should have blocked your ex right away, but before it seemed like a good idea to talk to him - that right there is the problem. You don't need to know why you broke up with that ex, you don't need to straighten things out. They're an ex, they did you wrong, that should be enough to not give them any time or thought at all. But again, bad choices. Hopefully you really have learned from this and don't make the same bad choices in the future.

[pleasestopthis]

The problem here is the guy. He didn't even try to trust her at the begining and kept throwing darts because of her past, when she was actually being loyal to him before getting all that bullshit. WTF does someone even bother to enter a relationship with an experienced woman if things are going to be like that? Better look for virgins, hypocrites.
I'm not saying cheating is fine, but the man here does share a big part on the responsability.

[englisc]

@pleasestopthis

I've had exes like this who've said the same thing. They've been with quite a few men and they hate when guys get jealous, they had exes who wouldn't let them hang out with their male friends. I gave them the benefit of the doubt, despite being a little weary. Never mentioned anything about it. Each one eventually cheated without me saying a word. And it's always a "mistake". No, the reason they have such a high partner count is usually because of bad judgement and bad choices. Maybe he had something to do with it too, but he wasn't wrong in thinking that. She probably would have done it anyway. That's why I stopped dating "experienced" (you mean slutty) women.

[pleasestopthis]

I always wonder why a woman is slutty and a dude is experienced. A man who has fucked a lot of women isn't to be trusted either, right?

[pleasestopthis]

He was wrong to be in a relationship if he had those kind of thoughts. If you enter a relationship you can't be bitching about the other person's past. That something you can't change.

[englisc]

@pleasestopthis

I think the idea that someone who sleeps with loads of people is "experienced" is so stupid. Sleeping with a lot of people doesn't make you any more experienced than somebody who has been married for 10 years. In fact if you're single and fucking around you probably have less sex, and it's probably not as good. I'd say that it's probably true for men also. In fact studies show that the more partners one has before marriage the less likely they are to stay married, with virgins being the most likely to stay. There's a bit of a difference too in the results, with men being 10% less likely to divorce than women in each case. Anyway, the reason the double standard exists is because men care whereas women don't as much. You can't stop men from finding certain things unattractive.

[Menelin]

If he wasn't pitifully throwing distrust at her all the time, it wouldn't make a confusing complicated relationship that tempts cheating. If she hadn't fallen for obvious signs of a booty call, he wouldn't have a reason to be distrusting. Both did wrong. Neither one is the good guy, neither one is the bad guy. Just two broken and hurt people trying to make due with the baggage they both carry.

[lord_chilled]

@pleasestopthis did you read what he wrote?
I can completely second that. Women who slept around before , have trouble settling down with a man later.
99% of them time they will cheat.
This is why men traditionally went for virgins.

Men, on the other hand are different. Sex doesn't affect us the way it affects women.
When we settle down for "the one" for many men, its not hard to give up on other women.
I know guys that had 50+ women who are completely loyal presently.
Now that are some top notch player scores right there, for anyone who isn't a celebrity ( for males).
A woman with 50+ men?
Lol, never. She is ruined.

With guys, cheating comes with their morals. You can have guys who never had much luck with girls, cheat when they get the opportunity, married or not.
With men, the number doesn't have a correlation with loyalty, but with women it does. In most cases.

Hence why men are called "experienced" and women sluts.
Because it affects each differently.

[Political_dude]

@pleasestopthis mytakeowner mentioned that herself she had sexual chats with ex (aka sexting) do you think this is part of loyal behavior?

[Anonymous]

Your last paragraph is full of you victimising yourself.
"What about us?" What about you? Really? You did that to other people. Why do you deserve that consideration when YOU didn't consider the one you hurt? The answer is simple. You don't.
Do murderers deserve sympathy when they regret their actions? No.
I realise that's an extreme example, but I'm trying to make you understand,
Just cause you know NOW that you were wrong, it doesn't make you any better. You are getting feelings that you deserve. If you didn't get thise guilty feelings then you'd keep doing it. So no, you should continue to get criticised until the next time the opportunity arises, you PROVE through actions, not words, that you won't make this damn mistake again.

[SomeStrangeGirl]

This sounds a lot like what happened to me. Except I was the one being cheated on. I always made him feel like I could leave at any moment if he hurt me. He would lie once and I would tell him we needed a break. I kept pushing him away cause I was scared of how heartbroken I would be if I ever really lost him. He always chased after me. He WANTED me, and I used that to my advantage. Knowing how much he wanted me made me feel good. I knew he was still stealing and lying, but I only broke it off when things got too out of hand or when he hurt me through his actions. I encouraged him and supported and loved him through everything, but when I found out he cheated on me, and I broke it off that last time, he never went back after me. He acted like he wanted me back a few months afterward, but I told him I didn't want a lying, sex-driven cheater. We both felt guilty, but we would still hurt each other. Then apologize, then end up fighting about something. At one point he got so mad at me when I was being nice to him, and trying to get him to smile. He called me annoying then blocked me. He unblocked me that same night but he is still with the woman he cheated on me with. He even bragged about it and smirked in my face. When I slapped him he held back and never let me get into trouble for hitting him. He blamed himself, yet would laugh at me for feeling bad about how he treated me.

[Sinister]

I think that prior to you posting that the thought you be being bashed for cheating was going to happen & that it was a given by some users. I think you may need to get a more ethical group of friends, how is hiding any of this going to "help" your relationship. Also, this is from my personal experience, but you don't need to disclose every minute detail to ALL your friends just the closest & truest ones. You know the ones that know you the best inside & out. I also take it that you maybe younger than 21 & guess what you WILL make mistakes. This is wholeheartedly one of them. Learn from it, instead of being utterly ashamed about it acknowledge it & accept it. You fucked up. Own it. There's responsibilities to your actions especially when others are involved. I think like with all relationships, you need to immediately need to communicate with your guy about when something doesn't feel right, or you feel hurt about something he does or says. If you don't the dude is NOT going to know & will act the same when the occurrence/situation comes back when you expect him to open up or talk about something. If on the other hand he absolutely refuses to talk about how he feels about things then maybe it would be better off to let him know regardless how you feel at least that way you can get the emotion out & have it vocalized. Leaving emotions running wild inside can lead to inner turmoil. I hope this helps.

[SouthpawPablo]

you are not the typical cheater if you cheat one time and it was a mistake never let it happen again not only did you hurt him but you hurt your self by hurting him you guys can make this work but you need to be understanding and reassuring tell him how you feel even if it hurts and tell him that that is what you will always do and do it not that his hair looks funny or stupid things but life decisions how you feel how he makes you feel if he hurts you you need to let him know so that is does not build up and push both of you apart again I know the feeling and he sounds like he loves exactly like i do i can tell you that you broke him as a man in that moment you took all the laughs love and smiles the moments and memories the promises and you flipped it all and it became a lie thats why you seen hate in him who would not feel that emotion at least for a moment he didn't hit you or hurt u but went after you to stop you from leaving him he loves you and is a good man hold on to him forever as he will to you and he may also want to seek therapy by him self and as a couple to help mediate these kinds of things and rebuild communication so i wish you both the best your story touched my heart and gave me a new perspective I never would have seen

[ThePsycho]

Weird that no one seemed to want to share their thoughts on this... I know it feels good to vent/talk about stuff with strangers sometimes, unbiased opinions help a lot from time to time. I think because you didn't actually meet up, had regrets, and honestly told him about it, you did the right thing. everyone makes mistakes (although just not all the same), it's how you handle them that defines what kind of person you are. In my opinion you did the right thing and now it's going to take time for him, but you already have your second chance, just take your time slowly :)

I wish you all the best!

[Crapulux]

Weird. Texting an ex isn't cheating, even if you get a little bit of nostalgic heartache. Everyone thinks about what-ifs, but it's the past.

Now,

> It hurt me when he had been planning to leave me the first few months because of my past relationships while I thought everything was perfect between us

Did he think you were a virgin and you had like two partners? Or did you say you had two and the number is actually closer to 50? Did you lie to him about something? It's quite important to know this in order to understand his reaction.

[Goochbreaker]

Not nearly as bad as physical cheating and not irreparable, and that fact that you are putting this amount of thought into it and feeling this amount of guilt is a really good sign. You aren't a lost cause yet. Your boyfriend was right to be suspicious of you though... and having those paranoias confirmed will make it harder for him to trust you. You two together can make this right, but you can't ever waiver again... and don't expect these walls to come down quickly. It will take time and commitment.

[Charleslvajr]

Well said.

[chancellor]

encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images

You did what you thought was right at that moment, your job is done. Just try to overcome the guilt and move forward.
Best of luck

[love_conquers_lust]

Focus on how liberating it felt to confess your guilt and tell the truth. Don't victimize yourself. Two wrongs don't make a right. People will judge. You should too. Tell the truth. Feelings are fine to have, letting them manipulate you to commit immoral acts isn't. You ultimately control you. Your partner would do well to heed these words as well, but you don't have to wait for him to start.

Play by play:
1) Wouldn't have fornicated in any past relationships
2) Would have been honest in disclosing AND JUDGING my own past and reminded my partner that they agree to either forgive and accept as I am or move on
3) As far as the ex, no need to block if you straight up tell them you think it inappropriate and they agree. I wager this event wouldn't have occurred had line 1 been followed

Cheating is a shameful thing to me.

[Anonymous]

Hahahhahaha

Anonymous
Anonymous (18-24)
2h

"Everyone shames cheaters. They're seen as heartless, the worst, unchangeable. But what about the cheaters who feel enough guilt to want to die? The ones who show remorse, the ones who have a heart, the ones who were just hurt themselves & made mistakes due to that. The ones who can never forgive themselves for hurting someone they really love. What about us?"

Yea, you're victimizing yourself. You had two choices: one to not cheat, and the second choice was cheating.

Hahhahahhahaha!

[Anonymous]

"Everyone shames cheaters. They're seen as heartless, the worst, unchangeable. But what about the cheaters who feel enough guilt to want to die? The ones who show remorse, the ones who have a heart, the ones who were just hurt themselves & made mistakes due to that. The ones who can never forgive themselves for hurting someone they really love. What about us?"

It sounds to me like you think you are different from other cheaters. You're not. You're different from your perception of other cheaters, that's all.

You're right that everyone tends to view cheaters as scum of the earth and make assumptions about them and their circumstances. The truth is in most cases their circumstances are not much different from yours.

Cheating is rarely as black and white an issue as most people ignorantly assume.

[Opinion Owner]

Speaking of bad assumptions, there is a misconception that men cheat more than women. They don't.

abcnews.go.com/.../story?id=13885519

[Menelin]

Your comment is painting cheating to be black and white, then you finish the comment by saying that cheating isn't black and white.

[Opinion Owner]

@Menelin Read it again. The first part was just quoting QA's comment, not mine.

[Opinion Owner]

@Menelin It may not have been clear, but my point was that most people view cheating as a black and white issue, but like her situation, in most instances it's really not black and white at all. People just tend to judge cheaters based on very little information about the circumstances. The truth is usually a much more complicated and nuanced.

[bubble_tea]

s2.quickmeme.com/.../...c28b1d61b1e71cd1501328.jpg
It was a self-fulfilling prophecy on his part. You're taking responsibility, he should too.

[Browneye57]

Blah blah blah blah.
Your last meme-poster thing however is true.
And you can't spill your beans and not expect people to judge/bash. They just do.

Been on both sides of this and can lend some wisdom and experience. What is the biggest quandary on the cheating thing?

[Krumpir]

That's why I am against high mileage girls... Better to have calm cold mind, then to worry about stuff like your boyfriend and make her cheat. I am not sorry for you, you cheated. But he helped a lot. He has like 25% fault in this...

May I ask you something? Have any tear been dropped while you were writing this?

[Anonymous]

No physical act of sex, just messages then it's not as bad as the actual act, in my opinion , Not saying it isn't bad but it would be far worse for him if he had walked in on you fucking dude, believe me I know.
It will take time to build trust again, but look forward not back if he can't forgive you and you can't forgive yourself it will be detrimental to your relationship, if that is the case you might as well just get it over with and break up.
Move on and be faithful to him he has given you more then others may have, that should deepen your trust and love for him greatly.

[Anonymous]

reading the comments there are a lot of guys blowing smoke up your ass here. i don't know what makes me more sick (didn't read anything you wrote) your attempt at making yourself the victim here when you were out being an unfaithful POP or these tools kissing your ass telling you that you're a "decent person"

[lovelyhoneybones]

Bullshit. You don't cheat on people you love and I will NEVER accept otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Forget the past, and start new life :) if you don't have boyfriend then just love yourself :)

[Anonymous]

A cheater feels remorse, interesting

[Anonymous]

Tame the beast within

[DanFlingwing]

okay fix it