As y'all know a few weeks ago I went on a vacation to visit my cousin in Louisville, KY. Despite all the negative vibes coming from her roomate I still had fun. We got to go to dave and busters and pat Mario Kart, we had a party and played Cards Against Humanity, we also got to discover some new places on a day trip to Cincinnati. We had other plans but her current issues at the time was taking a toll on her.
The whole time I was feeling anxious. Because I don't get to hang out with my family and noone at work ever asks me to join in on stuff they may have planned. I want to get to know people. But, how do I get to know people if I get anxious and others don't seem interested in getting to know me and what I'm like.
I know I'm not perfect. I'm still trying to get my car and driver's license back after not being able to pay a fine I had which I paid off in February. I do tend to get a little too annoying sometimes. But I never want to take advantage of people. Growing up I was sheltered. I never really got to hang out with friends or do activities unless it was church or school related. Not because of religious reasons, but my grandparents saw me as a new child to raise to mold them more like them since their children before were growing apart from them. At least, thats what my grandma was thinking. I hated being sheltered because it ruined me. I never got to get close to many people despite being an extroverted person. They wanted to interject in everything when I just wanted to do my own thing.
Even in college they would call me if i didn't call them any that day. On one birthday I was hanging out with college friends. My grandma called hysterically crying because I didn't call her earlier. She had thought I might have been killed by friends or something like that. When that wasn't the case at all.
Now that I am finally away from them since my grandma passed 6 years ago, I am trying to become myself. I want to get rid of the stigma of being a former sheltered child. I want to not give a fuck and have fun. I still love my grandparents, but I wish they would have raised me to be more carefree just like my dad and aunt were.
This is why I write and have anxiety and have depression like I do.