This is based on my personal experience in dating two particular women, one of which probably had NPD and the other BPD. These were traits and actions that would have clued me in had I known to look for them or understood their significance. Your experience may vary and the traits I mention here are definitely not an exhaustive or exclusive list, although I think they hit the most relevant aspects.
This is not to say that people with NPD or BPD do not have any redeeming qualities, but the downsides these two mental illnesses bring is too much and are dangerous to you as a partner.
1. They claim to have been victimized emotionally and possibly physically by ALL of their exes.
Both were adults in their 30s, they had allegedly only been treated badly by guys they dated. And they were sure to mention this early and often. Both were single moms and the biological father was not in the picture and definitely not paying child support (or so they said).
2. A huge fear of being abandoned
This was stated openly. Run the other way when you hear them say that they fear you will abandon them. Constantly reassuring them made no difference.
3. Low self-esteem and a feeling of worthlessness and being unwanted
Both clearly had the self-esteem problems and said they suffered from self-hatred.
Exes and fathers were blamed for this.
4. Poor relationships with their fathers
Yep, "daddy issues". Financially dependent on their fathers, yet emotionally dependent on another male to give them affirmation they did not feel they got from their fathers.
Both claimed to have had good relationships with their mothers.
5. They are manipulative and vindictive
They manipulate not only their current partner, but family, friends, and colleagues, who are willing to help because she is supposedly a single mom who was victimized by men (see also Number 5).
They are vindictive if you are no longer useful to them. Do not loan or give them money. They will cut you loose when you are no longer useful to them.
6. The "Drama Triangle"
They will pull others into any situation in which they are dissatisfied with their partner. Rather than talking to the partner and resolving things with them, they tell friends and acquaintances (especially online friends) who have nothing whatsoever to do with the problem and the friends and acquaintances feel obligated to intervene to protect her. It is similar to cliquish behavior in rural areas where if one person has a problem with you, the rest of the clique does too.
This is another particularly clear indicator along with #1 and #2.
7. Co-morbidity (co-existence) with other emotional disorders
Depression and anxiety in particular. Both Miss NPD and Miss BPD had them.
7. Smears and/or false accusations to justify getting rid of you
This comes after the fact and is broadcast through the clique mentioned in #5.
Hopefully this Take will help you avoid the pain associated with relationships with those afflicted with NPD or BPD. Just remember that you cannot fix what ails them.
Most Helpful Opinions