Help. I've fallen for him and he's playing mind games. What do I do?

I have a guy that I've been seeing for 4+ years. We're friends with benefits basically. I know he's not looking for anything more than that. And for a while I was fine with that because I was a virgin and I wanted to experiment.

For the last year or so I've been feeling like I've outgrown the casual thing but everytime I try to end things with him he talks me out of it. This last time I told him I wanted what he can't give me and I need to move on and that I was too emotionally invested in him. He tells me that he has feelings for me and he doesn't see them going away. But in the same breath he says that he has never led me on.

We spend a few hours together and hook up. He talked about a incident in his past that made him look and love and sex differently. I got the feeling he doesn't want to care about me. I hadn't heard from him in several days so I text him about hooking up.
He was very brief with me texting only a few words and said he had to work.

After telling me he has cared about since the day we met and now he's realizing how much he cares why is he being so curt with me. It feels like he's playing a game. Am I overreacting? What should I do? I'm totally in love with this guy but I don't want to be.

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  • I was in a similar arrangement. I knew a guy for 3 years. Really good friends. We started hooking up. I started getting feelings for him. He didn't want anything serious but still he'd continue to hook up with me. I started feeling used. Tried to cut things off multiple times but I always ended up back with him. Just the other week I finally put my foot down, told him I'd had enough and blocked him everywhere. We haven't hooked up in a while, but we still kept in touch, but even that was a bad idea because of my feelings. You have to be strong and simply cut him out. He won't change his mind about you and you're selling yourself short when you could be looking for someone who actually wants the same things as you.

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    • Hooking up for 3 years... Yikes but sorry... what was going on in your head lol

    • Very well said. I don't understand how intelligent young woman who can express what's happening to them but can't act to protect themselves from users.

    • @Tormentarian I knew him for 3 years. We only hooked up for a few months.

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  • Tell him you're done being friends with benefits and move on!!! If he really likes you he will make a effort to get to know you outside the bedroom. Till then you are really just hurting yourself! You need to understand that if things haven't changed in all this time then something will have be done and in this case the only thing you can do is walk away and see what happens. You will never fall out of love with him if you are still hooking up with him...

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  • This is the epitome of what is wrong with the friends with benefits concept. In theory, it sounds like a win/win situation for the participants. However, human nature creeps in and one of the participants "catches feelings" for the other, usually unrequited, and the result is a broken heart.

    Beginning as friends with benefits, he does not respect you as he would a partner in a LTR. He seems almost sadistic and I am not encouraged about the odds of you finding happiness here. However, I think you need to force him to make a decision. Tell him he needs to confess his feelings or find his next victim because you aren't going to waste any more of your life on a relationship that was dead on arrival.

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  • Ditch him. You are in a dead end arrangement. Just be like I'm unhappy. I'm leaving. Bye. And then block him everywhere.

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    • Don't block him everywhere. Allow him to speak & if she decides she can trust him again. But yeah ditch him but don't block him from your entire life. He might become crazy so call the police.

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    • If he does that tell him to straight up leave and if he doesn't call the police.

    • You're right. Please do that, coming from an 18 year old guy who knows a woman that has had a child of a stupid father & they have to go to court because of him & he creeps around her house in the middle of the night driving slowly. I don't know what I was thinking before, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. You ARE in a bad situation so try your best to get out of it.

  • What's his name and where does he live? I will go have a man to man, father to boyfriend talk with him and make him listen to reason.

    Sigh. Was the pleasure of sex and losing your virginity worth all of it, in the long run, now that you might not end up with him and have lost your virginity and are lesser value to the next man, not only bc of the virginity thing but the attachments and baggage you bring? Who'll be there when 40 winters besiege thy brow?

    What is your plan B? Best case scenario- he sees reason and puts a ring on it. But plan B? Plan C? You haven't told us about your backup plans.

    Now if you don't go sleeping around, your reputation is still pretty good (I know, the double standard is unfair, but it's also life, the reality principle). Also, your baggage is not unreasonable. Hey I'm just calling a spade a spade. I wish you all the best.

    You can always try to get pregnant with his child and hook him in this way. Unfortunately in this regard, our society is so open and liberal, that societal pressures can't force him to do right by you and put a ring on it. Who's batting for you in this game? Sounds like h'es got you dick-whipped. Good luck with your situation and give us an update a couple months from now. Wish you the best

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  • whether you love him or not mind games are not acceptable. Seriously, the main focus is sex, he dodges you without consideration, he changes his mind abut his feelings for you to suit the situation. And even on the off chance he really is as damaged as he says thats not a place you want to go anyway. talk to him, if he wants to be with you he'll be prepared to back off for a bit and get himself together, if he gives you excuses or sobstories I'd suggest cutting him out of your life until he fixes himself, either way yu have your answer

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  • No, you are not overreacting. You shouldn't want to be with a guy who is playing mind games with you. You should keep away from such guy who play mind games.

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  • maybe he does care for you but doesn't know how to go about it plus it could also be that past experiences makes him not want to open up to any girl and what you see as playing games could be that he's shy one way or another your either going to have to tell him you want to be with him or you don't want to be with him

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  • It's very simple. Tell him that you're either his girlfriend or you're gone and you won't accept anything less.

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  • As long as you jump when he snaps his fingers you are going to be his toy. He knows how to feed you enough BS to keep you on the hook and you let him. Every woman here unless it was a jackass, or forcible will always have a place in her heart for their first but it's time to move on to your second. Men don't change as 4 years should have shown you. It's going to be painful of course, but it's better than another 4 years of playing you like a fiddle.

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  • It's gotta be 'all or nothing' and you've gotta make that clear to him: no more half-way fuck buddy bullshit. See just how ' strong' his ' feelings ' are. If they're that strong, he will not want to leave you and will make the commitment. It's the only way to know if he's playing games or not: all or nothing.

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  • In my opinion, I feel it would be best to move on. Start talking to other people and stop hooking up with him. If he really cared about you he wouldn't lead you on or let you feel like he didn't care by not investing into you more. If you give it some time and meet other people and he then says he wants a relationship the. I'd say go for it, but it honestly sounds like he's just in for the sex. Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide.

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  • So ur both basically fucking on a regular basis, and he's nvr wanted a relationship? It sounds to me like he did lead u on... like he's had the same thing happen with other girls, and knew that u wanted more from him. but he had sex with u over and over again anyway. And from the story he told u, it sounds like he wants u to feel sorry for him so he can keep getting sex.

    He sounds like a player to me. U should break everything off with him. He's nvr wanted a relationship in the 4 years you've known him so...

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  • Nigga, just tell him how you feel. It's that fuccing simple, bruh.

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  • @bandit74 another girl falling for her friends with benefits.

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  • Spit in his face!

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  • Just move on...

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  • He sounds exactly like someone I know. Actually it's kind of creepy because I've known this guy for 4 years too. Same kind of mind games. What was the experience that he said changed his view on love and sex?

    I'd stop talking to him. Trust me, I know it's hard after all those years. But he sounds like someone who's just gonna cause you heartache and string you along. Once you make a break from him, you'll see everything even more clearly I bet.

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    • He had a girlfriend cheat on him and have a baby with another man. But she told him the baby was his. He didn't learn the truth until years later

    • Because he is a fool doesn't mean that you should let him make one of you. DNA tests are really cheap. And my gut says he's full of crap. Protect yourself he's not your problem.

  • Since this guy was your first you probably feel a deep attraction for him on a chemical level. That's blinding you from his disrespect. You need to draw the line. If he doesn't pull a 180 than move on, immediately.

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    • Dat dere peer bonding that a woman feels for her first time that gets dminished as she racks up her partner count.

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