How will I ever trust a man again?

First Long story short. I’m 25 and 6 months ago had my first breakup from my childhood sweetheart of 10 years. We went on our first holiday together and three days after getting home, he dumped me and I had to move to my parents house. It was a total shock and it made me very unwell as he pretended everything was fine and even slept with me the day before kicking me out. It especially hurt that my first breakup happened at a time when people my age are now getting engaged and I assumed that was our next move.

Second small story:I joined tinder when I was feeling extremely low after that first breakup and went on the rebound when I was desperate to feel attractive again. I got fucked and chucked, (which I’m not surprised by but being ghosted still hurts)

A month later I met a new guy again. He’s almost 30 and I thought we clicked. We were seeing each other for 5 months total and “Facebook” officially together for 2.

He was lovely until a month in when he admitted he was taking steroids. He called me a lot of nasty names out of the blue, slutty trashy etc etc and asked me to change my dress sense. I refused so he called me heartless a lot during our time together.
He later apologised and blamed the gear which he continued to do the rest of the “relationship”. He would constantly say and do things that I know were emotionally manipulative and abusive but I kept giving him chances after repeatedly TRYING to end it because I was so confused and he’d guilt trip me back.

He’d tell me I was being silly when he’d say something horrible and even wanted me to pander to his anxiety about us that he blamed ME for while I was at my uncles funeral.

I ended it on Sunday and he wouldn’t accept it so he threatened to kill himself and I had to get the police involved. I’ve never been so scared.

How can I ever trust another man in the future? I’m TERRIFIED I’ll be cheated on next

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Three very different, but very rare experiences here. First of all, the 10 year boyfriend was clearly a tosser, and while it's difficult to forget, you will with time. Time heals all things.

    Your Tinder experience is atypical of many young ladies fresh out of long term relationships and new to the 21st century "dating game" (I hate the term, but it fits well enough). Try to be more selective before jumping at the first guy to show you what you want to see, rather than what is actually there. But don't be hard on yourself, I've been duped by this before more than once.

    Finally, Mr Muscle. Steroids mess other just about every major system in the body, and people that abuse them should also be avoided. You weren't to know, so this also isn't your fault.

    You seem like a sensitive soul, like me. People of our demographic tend to get the shitty deal more often than the more, shall we say, "tinder-accustomed" window shoppers. It doesn't make you unworthy, nor does it make you a bad person.

    You clearly have a lot of love to give, and you will find someone worthy of it. It will take time, so don't rush.

    Give yourself time, also, to find your footing again. Spend time with your friends, find your happiness again first.

    We aren't all the same, as I'm sure you know. You will find your happy ending.

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    • Thank you so much for your response, it’s good to hear from people like you!

      Mr Muscle (lol) stopped taking them “for me” and swore his behaviour would improve and it didn’t, I think he had a convenient excuse tbh... he would use the fact that I have anxiety myself and worry ally to my disadvantage and everything I said was wrong when I couldn’t “fix his anxiety” that I apparently caused by trying to leave him on a few occasions!

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    • Thankyou so much!!

    • Have faith. There are some good guys out there, they're just overshadowed by arseholes sometimes.

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What Guys Said 15

  • Well, I'm sorry you were hurt, but it sounds like you have a gift for choosing losers and users. And Tinder is a great place to find more, so unless you want to keep doing what you're doing, I'd find another outlet.

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    • Yeah everyone says that, what else do you suggest though?

    • Find out where quality guys hang out and be a part of it. I see that you're in the UK, so I'm not sure what quality guys do there. For me here in the States, one of my main outlets to meet girls is social dancing, ballroom specifically. If you have something like that as an option, try it. If nothing else, it's a great hobby.

      I do suggest that you immediately change your direction if you're looking for a quality man. From your story, you don't have a stellar history, and quality guys are going to expect a quality girl. You can change what you're doing, but jumping from one guy's bed to the next isn't going to get you a good man. And it certainly isn't healthy for you. I know heartbreak well, and I know it makes us do crazy things. Trust me, I know. But don't make a bad situation worse by developing a history you cannot escape.

    • I’ve only been with three people lol! It’s not like I’ve been doing it with everyone

  • You been dumped by 1 guy and your wondering how you can ever trust a man again? You better develop thicker skin because risking getting hurt is better than celibacy.

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  • Accept the fact that you will be alright either way with guys or without guys. Be independent and jst do you invest in you. That 10 years is a huge blow but that kinda shit happens with married couples all the time. Jst do u gal

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  • Just because you can't trust mr steroids isn't reason other people aren't trust worthy. We've all had breakups and been hurt but, if relationships make us happy we have to go back out there. There's nothing wrong with taking a few months to yourself and not actively trying in dating sites, singles events, etc. Time heals. My last tinder date ghosted me after having sex once. You'll get to where your going but, journey is rarely smooth.

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  • This is the mistakes that most women do nowdays.. Why there is a rush to find ur guy or so called soulmate? U don't look for one.. Things will happen on its own.. Focus on ur life and how to make it interesting and exciting.. The right guy will bring spark in ur life at right moment.. All u have to do is be independent and don't waste ur tears for some fucked up men.. Women tears are worth more than that..!

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  • I think most people have had their fair share of horrible relationship experiences. Unfortunately, it's more common for women but it happens to men to. I have dated since my last break up 3 years ago, which is by choice. It was an awful experience and I needed a break

    Advice: don't use tinder. There are too many guys on there who just want to find easy lays. Maybe take a break from dating all together and allow yourself to meet someone naturally. Don't view it as lonlineness, view it as a time for self discovery and growth

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    • But how else do you meet people? I’m not gonna meet people on nights out they are just as bad aren’t they?

    • My last relationship stemmed from a meet up at a bar and id heavily advise against starting relationships that way. Like I said, I haven't dated in 3 years and have honestly enjoyed it. I guess what I mean by meet naturally is to not actively seek potential partners. Join a club or community project, make new friends, get involved in things you enjoy. Set out to make new relationships with all kinds of different people and if something more comes from it, roll with it.

      After my last breakup, I got involved in a musician community in my city and made tons of new friends. I met all kinds of people but tried to keep romance out of it. It helped me grow way more than browsing tinder or some slimy bar ever did

  • 1st thing is to collect yourself so you're not blind when a new chance presents itself don't just boomerang yourself into a new relationship and stop looking for forever right now you need to focus on yourself or you will go into one relationship after another distrustful with expectations of failure you should have that instinct from the beginning your judgment will be unreliable stick with yourself and fix yourself that's what you need right now

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  • Stay away of insecure people
    Feel free to join yourself first and not give a duck about others.

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  • Well that's the problem we're all facing, dear. How can we trust? Who can we trust?
    If I date that girl, will she cheat on me? Will she manipulate me, or lie to me? Will it last?
    Love is gambling. Sometimes you're lucky, sometimes you're not. I can tell you a lot about that, since I've been unlucky in love all my life.
    Next one could be another dickhead. But next one could also be the man you'll spend your life with. Now it's up to you, to take that risk or not.
    Take things slowly, see how it goes, don't sleep too quickly, take your time to discover who he is, and it should be enough to see if it's worth it or not. Never rush, that's the best way to go wrong.

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  • First of all the first break up is the toughest. Especially after a long relationship.
    Dating - there's no away around it, it's a numbers game. You get rid of a guy as soon as he exhibited asshole traits. Move on to the next. You said after one month he called you nasty names etc yet you stayed with him another four months. Be stronger next time and walk away. There are decent men and women you just need to sift through the crap and after many dates you will be able to pick the bad from the good a lot easier.

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    • Thankyou for your reply

      I tried to leave the minute he said those things, but because he knew I am (or was) the type to give people the benefit of the doubt and I knew nothing about gear he used it to his advantage. He’d say I wasn’t giving him a “fair chance” he’d tell me his life wasn’t worth living and he’d cry beg and please so it was hard and I believed him a bit that maybe he was telling the truth and he wasn’t really an arsehole

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    • Thankyou :)

    • Good luck in the dating world, and don't give up on men yet :)

  • Maybe try meeting someone normal at the grocery store?

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  • Their are men out there that feel the same way.

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    • I hope so, I really wanna meet someone I can trust who actually appreciates me lol I don’t wanna be treated like shit again

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    • I’m really really sorry to hear that you had such a bad time too. Maybe we can use each other as good examples of the opposite sex still being decent out there? :)

    • That is what I was thinking.

  • You need to have a break from going out

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    • Yeah I know that. I’m just so lonely now! I’m not ready to date yet but I’m still lonely and I’m scared if I DO meet someone one day they will ruin it again

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    • And that's a chance that comes with dating but for me the rewards are with the risk of failure

    • Not trusting I mean being content in yourself

  • What did I do

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  • Just convince yourself that being a cum dumpster is what you really want

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