The scales have fallen from my eyes. I'm in my 30s and only now am I realizing my fucked up behaviour. I've had loving, loyal partners which I have wore down to a numb, then abandoned. I blew up their lives, never looked back, and somehow insisted I was wronged. It's insane.
I now have the best partner any woman can ask for. He's loving, loyal, handsome and tries so hard to show me how wonderful he thinks I am. He has committed to me and provided for me. But in all of this, I have only been able to see his tiny flaws and pick on them till he bleeds.
Last night came to a head. I drank too much and started a fight with him. I got out of the car and stormed away. I walked in the middle of the night for an hour to a hotel. He called over and over again and I didn't pick up. He sent a million messages about feeling confused and suicidal and telling me he needed me in that moment. I texted back telling him I'm taking care of myself, and for him to call someone else (knowing full well there is noone else). He came to the hotel and I continued to be shit to him.
I woke up this morning to the clarity of my behaviour. I can't believe I never saw it before. It's insane. He is a mess. He was hurting himself and hysterically crying. He doesn't believe me when I'm saying it's me. I did this to us. He did nothing wrong, but he can't let go of everything I said last night blaming him for me moving to be with him, him not having money (he got injured at work), him being uneducated.
I contacted a therapist to get help for my behavior, but should I try to save this relationship or leave him alone? Is it manipulative of me to stay and try to change? He really does deserve better than I've offered and I'm driving him insane with my abuse. Should I leave, get help and see if he'll take me back later?
We are wonderful together (when I'm not being a bitch, which I believe is possible).