Boyfriend doesn’t care about my birthday?

Question

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and 2 months. Because he’s right with money he couldn’t afford a gift for me this year or last year. He doesn’t buy his own mom a gift because he can’t afford one. So that’s the main reason i don’t expect anything from him. He switched his shift at work so now he has an overnight job. We were discussing my birthday a few days ago It went like this.
me: “My birthday is next Friday”

My bf: what are you doing for it

Me: my manager is taking me to this new club but, I can’t think of the name.. it’s in the old shopping center

Him: you can’t think of the name? That means you don’t wanna go

Me: i do wanna go

Him: no you don’t

TL:DR; ever since this conversation he’s been acting cold and like I’ve done something too him. Not sure what the real issue is?

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

Happy belated Birthday! Hmm... this ones a bit of an odd one...

So, first, obviously he is upset about something do do with your birthday conversation. I would be inclined to think that it was related to the fact that you had made plans for your birthday that didn't include him.

That whole conversation was weird though. Frankly, I see why he might have been offended by you saing "my birthday's next Friday and I don't have a dress yet"... as it implies that you've clearly already made plans to do something for your birthday requiring a dress.

So right there you're saying to him "my birthday's coming up... and I won't be spending it with you." think any boyfriend would be hurt by that. I understand his money situation might mean he can't afford to take you out or to buy you a nice gift. Nevertheless, I think he could come up with SOMETHING to give you, even if it costs nothing, just to show that at least the thought was there.

But more importantly, you seem to have assumed that because he's broke, he wouldn't be interested in SPENDING TIME with you on your birthday. I can see how he might very well be hurt by your already-made plans.

BUT then again, his response of "what are you doing for your birthday" is weird as hell too. It seems to imply that you're both on the same page insofar as you both know that you and your boyfriend won't be spending your birthday together. Unless you two had already talked about that...

My guess is that his "what are you doing for it" was a forced response... that he felt he had to make after you already told him "I'm not going to be spending my birthday with you". If that's what you're saying (which you did), then it makes sense for him to ask what it is that you WILL be doing for your birthday. But my guess is, he was never on the same page as you on this.

The rest of it, about you " not really wanting to go" sounds like nothing but immature "sour grapes". That was just him pouting like a little kid, and making that ridiculous argument about you not wanting to go since you couldn't recall the name of the club. That is quite transparently immature pouting.

I will also mention as a sidenote, that no boyfriend is thrilled with the idea of his girlfriend going out clubbing with a bunch of her girlfriends. Clubs are generally a single person's scene. People act like sluts and pigs (in general) at a club more than anywhere else. Now I'm not saying it's "wrong" for you, as his girlfriend, to go out clubbing with your friends without your boyfriend being there. It is fully within your rights as a person in a relationship to do so. After all, it's YOU he is supposed to trust, not the 25 guys who are going to try to take you home that night. You're right. And that's exactly why most boyfriends wouldn't ever actually say anything about this. Nevertheless, it is something that no boyfriend is ever happy about. So, that's why I'm mentioning it here. I'm free to do so. A boyfriend is not. Even though he might be thinking it.

Don't get me wrong... I do not think that the fact that your plans were to go clubbing specifically,(as opposed to doing anything else for your birthday without yout boyfriend) is at the root of your boyfriend being upset right now. I think this would have all gone down exactly the same, if your friends were taking you out for fancy tea and crumpets for your birthday rather than a club. I merely mention it because it might be a factor that contributes to his being upset, but I certainly don't think it's anything like a "main" factor at all. But it's worth knowing.

So I think what it comes down to is: your boyfriend is hurt that you went ahead and made plans (WELL BEFOREHAND) to celebrate your birthday with people---just not with him. Your motivations for that may have come from a good place. You didn't want him to feel obligated or stressed out to do something/give you something for your birthday which he couldn't afford to do financially.

Dongtai · Accepted Answer

Did you mention it was a club to make him jealous and is your boss a guy?

The absolute worst thing you can do in a relationship is try to make eachother jealous instead of communicating in a healthy way. And I totally get it. Most of us want a partner who is thoughtful and plans nice things for our birthday. The reality is not everyone is like that.

In my last relationship my ex hadn’t planned anything for my birthday. I told her about it weeks in advance but during the week before she hadn’t mentioned it so I asked if she did. She didn’t.

It hurt a bit. This was the one person I chose to be serious with out of all the girls in the world and she didn’t care enough to plan something. Yeah. Pretty shitty.

She didn’t plan anything until i flat out told her how disappointed I was that she didn’t at least get me a card. She ended up taking me out for lunch. I was still pretty upset 😂😂. I won’t be so nice about a significant other not doing anything for my birthday next time around. Might be grounds for getting dumped.

But you guys have been together for a while so what you two need to do is talk. Did you do anything for his birthday? That’s what made me even more upset. I planned for my ex’s bday months in advance. I got her an autographed cd from her favorite band and took her out to eat.

It just taught me a guy like me is better suited with a thoughtful woman who can appreciate things like that. You determine what kind of partner you end up with. He’s probably more suited with someone who doesn’t place importance on birthdays IF that’s important to you

sjoes006 · Accepted Answer

Well, I don’t know all the specifics but even though poor is poor he could think up some $2 trinket or cheap meal that you like, no?

Seriously, I mentioned one time that I loved PAYDAY Candy bars with peanuts and caramels. My sweetheart at the time bought me one months later when I had a bad day. Way better than some expensive necklace.

Omelettes are cheap enough ingredients and easy to make. A birthday morning omelette?

I just think he needs to step up a little and do the same for his Mom. Son, now the fucking lawn if you can’t take me to brunch kind of thing.

I only spend a lot money on birthdays when I have no idea what to buy for them that is meaningful.

In my 20’s me and my three siblings spent my Mom’s Birthday turning the place into a Cantina basically. Fajitas, margaritas, drawn butter... we cooked and mixed drinks all day, she loved it.

Much cheaper than taking a large family out to dinner and the food was amazing in a family setting.

He doesn’t sound like your boyfriend more a friends with benefits - “what are you going to do for it?”

He’s like, that’s not me, I’m out, not part of the birthday cause this isn’t serious.

After over a year F No.

Every person I’ve dated, we both partake in celebrating a B Day even if it’s only been a month, just at different levels.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

Whoa, Girl. I don't say this often or lightly, but this guy sounds like a d***. Wtf? I say gtfo. Now.
If you want to give other examples of how he's a great guy, go ahead, but with this amount of information, he is not treating you well. You do not have to be in this relationship. (Material objects are not the only gifts to give. Birthdays back to back... nothing? Not even a card or note or letter or a few special thoughts about how he feels about you? Pfft.) You might be skewing the story, the evidence, but if you're not, move on.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

He really can't afford to buy a birthday gift or he just doesn't want to spend the money?

tenukitanuki · Answer

W... was he raised Jehovah's Witness or? He took night shift because he needs the money? I don't know man he sounds dogged. If I take you at 100 then he has to be feeling ground down. Even so, I could put together some indulgent chocolate in a fucking gift bag and some things, you know? Sets you back a whole 30 odd dollars? But we aren't actually there yet so we're realllly just in the woman's zone of prediction. Guys love to have something hidden up their sleeve, like oo but I did get you this.

However... yeah, I'd never be hyped about a woman I'm seeing going out to the club without me. It's all fucking bottle service and fakery. You know that right? I'm telling you as a man that has partied down K St. They literally hire "cool" people to hang around those places. You are getting off work to go hang around "cool" people in a "cool" place where they are, in fact, actually at work just like you were. Wew, right? Only people there are women trying to create some fantasy escape and men trying to fuck them. And like I said, the help. Paid to have smalltalk. Like those girls in Japanese bars.

Goforit1010 · Answer

The "real" issue is you going to some club with your manager, NOT him. Simple as that. If he doesn't have any $$, he feels inadequate to be your boyfriend because your boss is taking you out and he cannot. While he may never admit that, THAT IS the crux of his coldness toward you.

Money (or a lack of it) can cause problems in any relationship (married or not).

You need to reassure him its OK and you still would like to spend time with him, even though you and he didn't go to a club together.

At the same time, HE (knowing your B'day is approaching) should have planned his tight finances better to do "something" for you - even if it's just a card, a cupcake, and a walk together!

Wharvey98 · Answer

There’s likely a few things at work here.
1. He feels bad because he can’t afford to do something like this for your birthday.
2. He probably doesn’t want you going to a club without him.
3. He likely resents that someone else is doing what he feels he should be doing for your birthday.

Now none of these things excuse his current behavior, but they can make it a bit more understandable. Nonetheless, he’s your boyfriend and he should be happy that your going to be doing something fun for your birthday with your friends. If he can’t get past this in the next couple of days I’d suggest having a talk with him. Because this sort of behavior is not conducive to a happy and healthy relationship.

daniel5863 · Answer

It's more likely that due to his fear of losing you to someone who can afford to buy stuff, he maybe had a minor complex of inferiority that triggered jealousy and made him act differently.

Basically he feels like he's loosing you and due to that he is acting different.

I think the best alternative would be for you to try to show him somehow that he's important to you and that he has no need to feel jealous.

Note that I don't know if he had any psychological trauma of someone leaving, and I neither know how he usually behaves.

This is a guess based on a problem that happens to a lot of guys out there and due to your description of the situation I think I could be this case.

slatyb · Answer

He can give you a present even if he has no money. He could make you a card with paper and markers. He could cook for you or clean your place or any of a hundred things. He could go to resale shops and find things that would please you for almost no money. But instead he chooses to do nothing. I think you are too understanding. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? And where do you see this going? Is he going to school? On a career path that would allow you him to contribute financially to a relationship? Do you want children someday? Do you think he could be a responsible parent?

GalacticPlatypus · Answer

Your boyfriend sounds like a person that feels inadequate but continues to do nothing to improve his situation, so instead of improving himself he is taking it out on you over the guilt he feels for not being able to do anything for you.

He's upset because of his own insecurity and financial shrewdness but directing that frustration towards you in a cold manner is immature on his end.

Perhaps he is upset because you didn't suggest that you do something together before making plans. Your expectations of him are that he can't afford it and won't do anything for you on your birthday. That stings a little when you're on the other end.

Knighted2170 · Answer

It's a provider thing. Another man is stepping and doing what he sees as his his role.

You are buying your dress, not him. Your manager is taking you out, not him. He sees his role as providing those things for you, not someone else.

Another possibility is that he had something planned for you. When he said, "You don't really want to go" could have been a hint to you. He probably dropped it because he isn't going to deny you a better night than he can provide himself.

All of this is not 100%. It's probable guess. The conversation helps, but I wasn't there, nor do I know him. Those are the two most likely scenarios I can think of.

Either way it's a pride and ego thing. He's probably depressed, and wondering if he even deserves you. Going through his head is that he can't give you what he believes you deserve.

When it comes to money and nice things, it's going to be 90% sure a pride and ego thing with guys.

Hope that helps.

mystomachissick · Answer

You're going out to a club without your boyfriend. How is he supposed to feel? Elated? You think it pleases him that he can't afford to get you things? You think he isn't aware that there's a possibility you find him unappealing because he's tight with money and that you might be looking for someone else to be with instead (which is what a lot of girls go to clubs for btw). Do you think he doesn't feel inadequate that he can't give you the birthday celebration he feels you deserve because he can't afford it?

Seket · Answer

Well, duh, it's a club. If I have a girlfriend and she is going to a club without me, I'll be worried sick no matter who is accompanying her. Club is a place to mingle with others and there is no guarantee that my girl will be able to go home unscathed, either she would have a guy trying to win her over or the worst, trick her to have some indecent fun.

He might have wanted to ask you not to go, but he couldn't phrase it well and it sounded like he doesn't care. Try for a simpler celebration and visit him on your birthday instead.

nortyyee · Answer

Honestly I can't really help w this either. I get my mom bday presents and mother's day gifts and I do the same with my girl. If she wants something she asks me for it, if I can get it for her I do in a heartbeat, if I can't I tell her I'm sorry babe but I can't do that right now but I end up getting whatever it was or doing whatever it was when I can because I think it's important to show the people around you that you hear them, you know what they want and you go out of your way to provide that. I don't think material possession or money is the only way to show someone you care but it's definitely a start. in my opinion if you're partnered with someone and you're both good for each other, not just using each other to make yourself feel better about yourself, then income is not Person A and Person B, income is OUR income because we're sharing a life. Point blank period

FunkyMonkee · Answer

Right with money? What does that mean?
Boy!! People sure as fuck jump to insane conclusions easily these days!!! You can't think of the name so that means you don't want to go? How about; You're not buying me a b-day present so that means you don't want to fuck me anymore!

AJ2992 · Answer

Real Relationship is not about the material stuffs but about the gestures or putting the better halfs needs and happiness above yours sometimes.. I don't understand what type of relationship are you in to or if this is a casual relationship.. I think he is not ok with the fact that you have labelled him that he doesn't do this or doesn't do that.. if he had plans for your birthday he will keep it as a surprise but if you already disclosed him that you are spending time with you gal frnd instead of him (coz u never expected him to do anything for your birthday) then his chances are screwed and the surprise is spoiled.

Moonchild714 · Answer

No need to buy a gift, I could care less about material gifts I prefer just spending time with the people I care about on my Birthday and other Special Occasions. But he said he couldn't promise to be available on your Birthday and you two have been together for 14 months not like it just popped up he knew about it same day as last year. Sorry to say this but sounds like he really doesn't care or doesn't have a clue how to Love someone which is a very good possibility. People don't realize there are more Emotionally Crippled people out there than you realize. Meaning they don't know how to Love someone else. Some think they do but most know they don't but just keep leaving a trail of Victims!!!

lightbulb27 · Answer

Manager taking you to a club for your birthday. that is screwed up right there. The answer to the manager is no, I have a boyfriend. boyfriend comes as well or you don't go. Or it is a team event... this is weird in my culture, would never happen.

boyfriend was imposing upon you to not want to go. He feels bad he is not provider for you and that you are going with someone else. who knows why he was asking what you were doing on your bday, that got lost... was he going to ask you to do something?

I think he feels stuck and confused. Girl.. you are acting clueless...

How would you feel if his boss at work asked him to dress up and took him out to 4 star restaurant.. him alone?

aaronbw · Answer

Unfortunately I can't offer much of an opinion other than what has already been said. He feels inadequate because he can't afford a gift, and honestly, I can understand being swamped with bills all the time. But he had a long time to save, even if it was only a small gift. And now he is taking his frustrations out on you. I'd have just stopped talking to him and not let him ruin the day.

He may be a good person, but what he just did in that message shows a lack of respect and making it all about him. He can at least take you to a park or something.

itstheimpossiblekid · Answer

He may be Insecure about the money or that he can't go. More likely though he's kinda weird overall and I think you should not be afraid to end it. Also I'm glad you stood up for yourself when he tried to tell you how you felt, if you follow your heart and stand up for yourself you can't go wrong in relationships. If I'm ever in a position where I can't get a gift I try to make something or take someone or an adventure or something, so just cause there's no money doesn't prevent someone doing something cute for ya.

RobLovesDemi1234 · Answer

He's a loser a control freak and a p. o. s. Look if he doesn't have enough cash he should at least make you a present or make you a card or even buy you a birthday card ffs. It's not that hard. He's just taking you for granted at this point. Second if you want to go clubbing go clubbing. You don't need that shitbag's approval do what makes you happy. Look he clearly doesn't give a shit if he did he would put more effort into the relationship. You need to dump him and find yourself a better man. (Look for a part 2 or reply since I don't have enough characters left)

HylianTimelord · Answer

That whole "You don't want to go" bit sounds like a form of suggestion or gaslighting. Go with your female co-workers on Friday if you want. If he doesn't like it, then that is his problem. He can take you out to celebrate later. Look, if he wanted to take you out on Friday, he should have asked you to keep that date free. So, all these people with that surprise party theory that doesn't hold water are wrong. I hate to say this, but if he is going to keep behaving like this, then it might be time for him to go. It's your birthday. Spend it how you want.

Grobmate · Answer

He is ashamed that he can't provide that for you and someone else can. Which is his own fault.. I don't care how tight his money is, he has had 12 months to save for it...

But that is a bruised ego and fear of losing you.

Boyfriend doesn’t care about my birthday?

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