I'm not going to cheat on her since I'm just too deflated or sick for something like that - one partner is draining enough.But I'd like to have someone to talk to and that's not her or one of her friends.
I didn't think you were going to cheat physically but from your previous post if you hide it, it will seem like something fishy is going on and the lying will upset her even more.
I simply don't have the energy nor the will to do that. I had asked for a period of separate beds and no intimate contact, but she doesn't agree. She says it's just a bad moment and me pushing her away won't work, but maybe I'll make her change her mind and eventually she'll want some distance.
I think both you and her mean well, it's just your love languages are so different you can't see eye to eye and both get upset. I don't think her wanting the distance is the solution, but for her to just listen and try to fully understand your side of things, that you wanting distance does not mean you don't care and stop seeing it selfishly that she is not getting something. She is not supposed to get intimacy just to fill her needs, it's not like paying the bills, both partners need to want it. Perhaps you remember the questions ''should we please the partner sexually when we don't want it'', and most agreed on yes, we should try to at least try to GET IN THE MOOD, and then have it. You always do it just to please her and be a good partner, it gave you anxiety and panic, she knew this but continued fill her needs. This might subconsciously be one of the reasons you don't want intimacy with her, because she is too impatient and does not allow you to come to her when you feel comfortable and urging you, rushing you even when you feel bad. So deep down this might seem violating and rape-like, but since it's someone you like and you technically consent, you push those feelings down. (I know I am rambling, forgive me and correct me if I am wrong) The warning signs were all there from the start, from the first dates she would touch you, you were not comfortable but allowed it because she wanted it, I'm sure she truly believed you would like it, and this grew to her always pushing even more intimacy, she is inconsiderate, controlling and selfish, but you are also at fault for always allowing it so she never learned how to approach this right. So now you fight, and she expects to get what she is used to getting now. Even for people with no intimacy issues it's very normal when a couple fights the guy is going to sleep on the couch, but they come back when they want the closeness, not out of obligation to sleep together.
I understand what you mean, and I think you are right.The big issue is that everytime I ask for a break, she assumes I'm trying to push her away and gets upset.I honestly don't enjoy almost every time while she does, and maybe this makes me feel both envious and resentful, because she enjoys it and I don't.Plus she keeps hushing me when I try to talk and tries to impart me lessons and patronizing.I think we really need to talk about it frankly and clearly or it will be really a trainwreck.
Try to explain yourself to the point when you truly feel you've gotten through to her. If she cares she will listen and not hush, that is rude. Yes you are pushing her away when you ask for a break, that is literally the point, to be away from her briefly, take a breather, but only to come back and make things better. As for the sex, you should never do it if you don't want it or don't enjoy it, you got used to that dynamic but it is just not healthy, it's not a mechanical chore like doing the dishes. This is a separate issue that needs fixing, but a loving partner would wait even a year until you sorted the anxiety and negativity that comes with it and come to bed when you have a burning desire to do it, which is what sex should feel like. If she can't wait even a few days and doesn't try to understand why, I can see why you are helpless and want to talk to an old friend instead of her. Good luck with whatever you decide to do next.
I made it clear to her I don't want a romantic nor sexual relationship - one is enough hassle.
@Jean-Marie_Céline fair enough. As long as you have clear and strict boundaries in your friendships, you should be fine. Simply make sure you stay far away from the fine line between what is and isn't appropriate platonically. And make your best effort to address the root issue here, which is the fact that your romantic relationship isn't providing everything you need it to. Otherwise, you may find yourself straying regardless of how pure your intentions may be.
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by the way, what does "find comfort" mean?That is so vague and could mean anything.There are probably 100's of harmless one time things that could mean or also 100's of shady, inappropriate things it could mean.Finding "comfort" with some opposite sex person.Usually relationship details are kept between the 2... not gossiped to third parties and not without your partners ok to share this info.I am guessing you will just do this without telling your partner.
Talking and confiding, maybe getting emotional support.I'm not doing anything inappropriate as I'm isolating myself from everyone, my fiancée included.I'm just sick of everyone.
Like I just said in another part of this thread.Tell your partner who you are seeing, tell her you will be talking about your relationship with this 3rd party... possibly stuff about her.If she says fine, go spend time with her, talk about me and us than you are cool.Hide it. You are an ass.
She knows who I'm seeing and when, and she knows the issues I'm sick about and venting about.I don't hide anything.
The person I'm talking to is a trusted friend and she has gone through similar issues in her marriage, so I think she can help me.
@ Jean-Marie_Céline - consult someone who is still married to an abusive individual, brilliant.
Her husband is not abusive, it's just that he's always distant and she feels taken for granted, a bit like me.
@Jean-Marie_Céline - so ultimately all you will learn is how to put up with an emotionally abusive spouse, kudos.
It's not about that, it's about having some company and someone to talk and spend some time with occasionally
For example, we agreed to meet for lunch today and she invited me to an event tonight. I think it's ideal to relax a little and unwind all the tension of the last days.
Tell yor partner. Tell her you will share details about your relationship with her.If she says fine than go.Hide any of it... than you are an asshole.
@Miristheiss my fiancée knows, don't worry (not that it'd be your business to tell me what to do).But as I said, I'm pretty much sick of everyone, especially women in my life.
I'm not cheating but I do talk and confide with other friends, since it's impossible with her.
Impossible? Then why are you still with her?
"information" not "indignation", typo error
Not really since I'm too sick and tired for any emotional/romantic/sexual stuff. One partner is enough hassle. I just want someone to talk with.
U sure do have a lot of problems with your partner.😅
Whats wrong with a hug?
@Plumizz This is just what I learned through being friends with lots of guys. Things can very easily escalate when you get too physical. I'm not saying you can never hug a guy once , I'm just saying do not get too close or physical. Or pat him on the back too much. One thing typically leads to another.
I don't know I have female friends and we hug when we meet and nothing ever "escalate" haha I guess maybe its a location/cultural thing. I live in south of England.
I'm not going to cheat on her since I'm just too deflated or sick for something like that - one partner is draining enough.But I really want to go for separate beds and maybe a period of separation, and have friends and social events without her.