Is it a good idea to contact his mom?

Question

I will try to keep this short. But I met my boyfriend about a year ago and we became official in January. He lived about six hours away from me, until he mpved recently.

My boyfriend doesn't have an education or completed high school. He said he was afraid to lose me (I am pursuing my degree currently) and that he wanted to work with cyber security, so he wanted to go back to school. To save money, he moved back home and to take time to take up classes and hopefully start his bachelors bachelors after.

However, when we came to his mother's house after moving, his mother and step father started putting loads of pressure on him. They told him he had to go to bed early every night, study every single day and see me as little as possible to focus. They also went off on all these unnecessary tests he had to take, and that he could forget about certain dream jobs because they were too elite for him.

I understand that they wanted him to know how serious school is. I am a student, so I know. But he has completely lost his motivation that he once had. He has ADD (trouble focus), but is willing to take meds and everything to keep his focus. Now he is scared and depressed because he doesn't believe in himself.

I wrote a draft I planned on sending to his mom, being really nice and saying how much I appreciated them and letting me into their home for a few days. I also complimented them on a lot of aspects, but I kindly told her that my boyfriend has lost his motivation and he really needs them to be on his side more and take one step at a time. Is it acceptable to send this message? I feel like as his girlfriend I need to make sure he is okay and let his family know if he isn't. What do you guys think? I am truly very proud of him for trying and leaving everything behind to start school again. But I am scared if his lack of motivation and depression will affect our relationship.

Also please no hate! We just need a lot of support right now.

Updates:

+1 y

Thanks guys for all your help! I have decided not to contact his mom and give him all the support he needs in stead. He knows that if the situation gets too much he will move out. Things might sort out by themselves as well. His family really likes me and I am scared to ruin this.

Answer 1

BlessedDaddy | 100 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Xper 5

I know this is hard for you and a big deal. I just need you to hold all the emotion and thinking back for a minute. I am going to be very matter of fact okay,? My intentions are not to be rude..

You are 19 and have not raised children. First time at their house. Anything you knew about his family for the most part came from your boyfriend perception. He didn't finish high school. May have put mom through hell. No your boyfriend is an adult male still living under his parents roof rent free and going back to school. Thay are allowing him to live there, it's a huge privilege.

And you want to give this woman for whom you just met a letter telling her that she needs to be on her son's side?

Blaming others for his circumstances, including his motivation won't work. Didn't in high school for sure.

You should be writing your boyfriend, not his mom. She's appears to be more on his side than he is. You need to kick him in the ass and focus.

You have to ask yourself, and only you know. Is his education the most important thing, or is it your relationship.

One thing and remember this:

Even if you are married. Tread very carefully when it comes to giving advice to your spouses parents about there behaviour and actions.

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2 People

Joyce_L

+1 y
This is a very thoughtful answer and the questions that BlessedDaddy asks are relevant. You need to think about your motives very clearly and be honest to yourself.

However, I also thought from your post that you do not come across as self-obsessed. And yes, you may be only 19, and seen less of life, but also with 19 a person can know the right thing to do. At 19, you might feel for action when at 50, you might prefer wait and see. The thing is - both can be right, both can be wrong.
It is also possible that his parents keep seeing him like a child who needs their ordering influence in his life. But you see him as an adult. Perhaps one at a low point in his life who needs support, but still as an adult who does not need to be put under pressure and be told what to do.

Giving advice to someone's parents very rarely is well recieved. Even if the advice is sound and given with the best intentions. Perhaps because if people were this open to criticism, the son could handle it himself.

I hope that it turns out well for you both.

X
BlessedDaddy

+1 y
Much more thoughtful and gracious. Good advice

Answer 2

Joyce_L

This is a very thoughtful answer and the questions that BlessedDaddy asks are relevant. You need to think about your motives very clearly and be honest to yourself.

However, I also thought from your post that you do not come across as self-obsessed. And yes, you may be only 19, and seen less of life, but also with 19 a person can know the right thing to do. At 19, you might feel for action when at 50, you might prefer wait and see. The thing is - both can be right, both can be wrong.
It is also possible that his parents keep seeing him like a child who needs their ordering influence in his life. But you see him as an adult. Perhaps one at a low point in his life who needs support, but still as an adult who does not need to be put under pressure and be told what to do.

Giving advice to someone's parents very rarely is well recieved. Even if the advice is sound and given with the best intentions. Perhaps because if people were this open to criticism, the son could handle it himself.

I hope that it turns out well for you both.

X

Answer 3

BlessedDaddy

Much more thoughtful and gracious. Good advice

Answer 4

Lliam | 957 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Master

It kind of pissed me off reading this.
His parents sound really controlling. "If we're going to do you the really big favor of allowing you to come back and live in our house, we get to control your life and act like we own you."
On the other hand, it sounds like you are really good for the guy and have a handle on the situation. It would be tragic for him to lose you because of his dimwit parents. Even though they only want what's best for him, you are having a more positive effect.

Go ahead and send the letter. See if it does any good.

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2 People

Answer 5

mmredfearn

Xper 6

I wouldn't go as far as directly contacting the mom. As other commenters have said, she will take it personally and will use it as a wedge between you and him. I think you're right though, it's important for him to know he's supported. This is where you come in! You can love and support him, and give him the other perspective that his mom isn't. When you hang out, be sure to say things like "hey I see you're working really hard, and I'm so proud of you... but you should know that's not the only thing I love about you. You're also so creative. Have you done anything creative recently?" This will help him to explore beyond his mom's perspective, and deepen his bond with you. Somewhere down the line (give it a few months), if he seems really unhappy with school, you can ask him if he thinks it's worth it, if he wants to chat with his mom, or if he needs you to support him in any way. Let us know how it goes!!

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2 People

tallandsweet

+1 y
In addition to this, you'd be crossing boundaries in my opinion.

Answer 6

tallandsweet

In addition to this, you'd be crossing boundaries in my opinion.

Answer 7

kymberz | 59 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Xper 6

Gurl - you rock and you roll and somehow you are the bravest gurl i know? oh holy heck in a handbasket - you are so on fire and he sounds like a dreamship? you send that letter and you protect and stick up for him! and i am covering you in support and pixie dust and i believe in faery tales! so sometimes women have to be the knight in shining armour! ever hear of jeanne d'arc (joan of arc?) or pope joan or marie antoinette or anyone named Mary or Elizabeth? ya - that's you and i am with you! you send that letter and you be beautiful! you are showing such appreciation and respect! you sound like a ballerina! and i got you covered! so you do what needs to be done and we'll deal with any consequences later! i mean it!

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theguy783

+1 y
I genuinely cannot tell if this is sarcastic or not
kymberz

+1 y
@theguy783 what? sarcastic? no i am giving her my heart wrapped up in gold and silver glitter! i want the world for her - how could you even come up with sarcastic? no effin way buddy! she is gorgeous and i want her to sail through life! and i can't believe you said that! like you sound so mean so please correct that ok? please?
kymberz

+1 y
and you say genuinely? so i have to pay attention! yes i am genuine!
Show All Show Less
theguy783

+1 y
I guess I've become jaded sadly. My first instinct when someone online is being very nice and supportive of a controversial idea is that they are making fun of the person that they are praising but there are still people like you out there that truly are trying to encourage people in a possibly superfluous way and the knowledge that such light still exists makes me take a second look with hope
theguy783

+1 y
Also I rarely see the word gurl used unironically
kymberz

+1 y
@theguy783 ok hang on you are talking too fast but that's what i said in a presentation in 91 to NSA! hang on and let me read and properly assimilate k?
kymberz

+1 y
oh i would never make fun of anybody? like i still regret not picking up for MG and that makes me want to barf! and i would never like ever use that word that word unironically? oh bahahahah! is that even a word? yer talking to a linguist here! and i try to never be ironic. i try to just be real.
theguy783

+1 y
I'm not referring to irony in a literally sense but in the internet culture where it refers to mimicry as a joke. ie: "I don't actually like Lincoln Park I just listen to them ironically because they are so edgy"
kymberz

+1 y
@theguy783 what the eff are you talking about? can you explain and leave out the metaphors and sh*t! cuz when people speak to me with a clear heart? i hear this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg6r-IeH7ss
kymberz

+1 y
i want to say to the world - "when nobody understands you well i do" and then he sings about being overjoyed and i know that feeling so deeply!
theguy783

+1 y
I feel like we're having an argument for some reason and I don't know what it's about
kymberz

+1 y
@theguy783 no. no. no. we are having a conversation! finally right? and i would love to talk to the whole world but who does that right? and heck do you want to laugh together? cuz i got 10 million jokes that i can'even remember the punchlines to but i will try? so can we just be friends? you sound so freakin special! and i want to encourage you!
theguy783

+1 y
That's great to hear. I think I'd like to hear done of your jokes, maybe we can come up with the punch line together
kymberz

+1 y
@theguy783 ok then dude but my jokes are like lame! what do you call 3 cats drowned?

that's trois quatre sinque

oh bahahahahaha right? oh i have more! and yes they get worse! my knock-knock jokes make people yawn!
kymberz

+1 y
oh woops and that should read cinque!

Answer 8

theguy783

I genuinely cannot tell if this is sarcastic or not

Answer 9

kymberz

@theguy783 what? sarcastic? no i am giving her my heart wrapped up in gold and silver glitter! i want the world for her - how could you even come up with sarcastic? no effin way buddy! she is gorgeous and i want her to sail through life! and i can't believe you said that! like you sound so mean so please correct that ok? please?

Answer 10

kymberz

and you say genuinely? so i have to pay attention! yes i am genuine!

Answer 11

theguy783

I guess I've become jaded sadly. My first instinct when someone online is being very nice and supportive of a controversial idea is that they are making fun of the person that they are praising but there are still people like you out there that truly are trying to encourage people in a possibly superfluous way and the knowledge that such light still exists makes me take a second look with hope

Answer 12

theguy783

Also I rarely see the word gurl used unironically

Answer 13

kymberz

@theguy783 ok hang on you are talking too fast but that's what i said in a presentation in 91 to NSA! hang on and let me read and properly assimilate k?

Answer 14

kymberz

oh i would never make fun of anybody? like i still regret not picking up for MG and that makes me want to barf! and i would never like ever use that word that word unironically? oh bahahahah! is that even a word? yer talking to a linguist here! and i try to never be ironic. i try to just be real.

Answer 15

theguy783

I'm not referring to irony in a literally sense but in the internet culture where it refers to mimicry as a joke. ie: "I don't actually like Lincoln Park I just listen to them ironically because they are so edgy"

Answer 16

kymberz

@theguy783 what the eff are you talking about? can you explain and leave out the metaphors and sh*t! cuz when people speak to me with a clear heart? i hear this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg6r-IeH7ss

Answer 17

kymberz

i want to say to the world - "when nobody understands you well i do" and then he sings about being overjoyed and i know that feeling so deeply!

Answer 18

theguy783

I feel like we're having an argument for some reason and I don't know what it's about

Answer 19

kymberz

@theguy783 no. no. no. we are having a conversation! finally right? and i would love to talk to the whole world but who does that right? and heck do you want to laugh together? cuz i got 10 million jokes that i can'even remember the punchlines to but i will try? so can we just be friends? you sound so freakin special! and i want to encourage you!

Answer 20

theguy783

That's great to hear. I think I'd like to hear done of your jokes, maybe we can come up with the punch line together

Answer 21

kymberz

@theguy783 ok then dude but my jokes are like lame! what do you call 3 cats drowned?

that's trois quatre sinque

oh bahahahahaha right? oh i have more! and yes they get worse! my knock-knock jokes make people yawn!

Answer 22

kymberz

oh woops and that should read cinque!

Answer 23

MzAsh | 590 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Influencer

Ehh this is really risky. I get that you care but you’re essentially trying to help parent him. You’re too young for this.

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1 Person

topur

+1 y
Besides young, what you want is to be his girlfriend, not his mother
MzAsh

+1 y
Yeah. I mean she hasn’t been wiry this guy that long to establish herself in the family. It’s not really her place. And at her age she should be more worried about herself.

Answer 24

topur

Besides young, what you want is to be his girlfriend, not his mother

Answer 25

MzAsh

Yeah. I mean she hasn’t been wiry this guy that long to establish herself in the family. It’s not really her place. And at her age she should be more worried about herself.

Answer 26

TheMadAsshatter85

Xper 4

I went away to college for a few years but I returned back home and Graduated after keeping shitty jobs for what seemed like forever... I'll tell ya, I couldn't for my life get any calls back or second dates or anything- Basically if you're a dude 20-35 and you're with your folks I PROMISE you're not getting any attention for a good long time. People tell me often I'm attractive (I'd say I'm not ugly), am a college grad eagle scout... most folks would say I'm fairly douche-free, generally chill dude... and I couldn't (not like I would ever) BEG to have them hang around. I asked on this website, basically, hey there's a dude you're interested in, a really great catch, lives with his folks. Unanimously and politely explained to me, hey sorry they just set that standard, they said they couldn't have respect for him.

Point being- It's safe to say people aren't going to like your thought process and you're likely going to need to defend yourselves from ostracization... Also, often the whole S. O. moving into their S. O. 's parents situation almost never ends well. But hey I don't know you and my opinion might be shitty or inaccurate, best of luck to ya, those are some hard years coming up for ya.

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Answer 27

topur

Xper 5

Don't send it! There's so much that could go wrong!
My first reason is that it's between him and his parents. They raised all his life, you've known him for one year and have officially dating for 1 month! 1 month!

If you want to send just a thanks letter, it's a good idea, even though I think a phone call would be simpler. But nothing about teaching the parents how to raise your 1 month boyfriend.

Also, consider that next week he can already be equally motivated. This can be just a short phase. Do you really want to take such a big risk when things can sort themselves out?

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Answer 28

MannMitAntworten | 1.8K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

Speaking with her face to face might have a better impact. She’ll also give her own perspective which you will likely not enjoy hearing (she likely won’t enjoy the conversation either) but at least this will give you some understanding of the sort of individual she is who you are dealing with. Proceed from there kind of thing. Don’t be afraid to articulate your thoughts of why you feel as you do about his situation. On some level his mom I would appreciate the fact that you are advocating for him on his behalf. Not a lot of men or women are willing to do this with their own parents regarding their significant other. Even fewer would dream of doing this with their significant other’s owns on their behalf. Anyway, be steadfast, but remain diplomatic. This will serve you well in the long run.

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Answer 29

Ianto | 234 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Xper 7

I suggest not comitting the words to paper. As others have said it may become a stick to beat you with. If you get the wording even a little wrong it can be used agsinst you.
You can, however, use the strategy you outline, but verbally. That way you have plausible deniability if his mother cuts up rough. Rather than pointing out her failings, solicit her aid in countering the problems you see her causing. "I see boyfriend losing motivation and ambition; have you any ideas how we could help him restore that?"

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Answer 30

standingUP | 122 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Xper 6

Just so you know this is affecting you to a degree that you cannot afford.

Your boyfriend is the one that needs to heed to the structure they are laying down at his disposal. It is what he'll need to take care of in the workforce and productive family member. Either way he needs to man up and do what is in front of him. These are not drastic goals or tasks to get your life in order. It is time for him to grow up. Your sensitive nature to support him is drastically hurting YOUR FUTURE as well as his.

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2 People

LEADFOOTboi

+1 y
YOU RIGHT, HE DO NEED TO DO HIS PART TO GET GRADES

Answer 31

LEADFOOTboi

YOU RIGHT, HE DO NEED TO DO HIS PART TO GET GRADES

Answer 32

_gigi18

Xper 5

I think I'd have an honest conversation with the parents. Make your boyfriend know that you believe in him and that you want him to succeed and that he can. Help him get the job he wants there isn't no can't and won't. Your boyfriend sounds like a strong willed character and you bring out the best in him. You motivated him go finish his education try and build him back up he needs you more than ever

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Answer 33

KrakenAttackin | 1.3K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

I applaud your efforts. It is very commendable, and uncommon, for a woman to work so hard for the benefit of her man. Seriously, you are a good person fighting the good fight.

Having said that, fighting learning disabilities is a huge fight, beyond what anyone who doesn't have LD's can imagine. it is like a constant demon playing tug-of-war in your mind.

There are no easy answers, but your constant and compassionate support will go a long way. Fuck his parents.

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Answer 34

ZackBan | 365 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

Nothing you say can help right now. As far as his mom is concerned you're a stranger and a distraction. So what you say won't matter.
Talk to him instead, remind him of why he chose to do this in the first place.
Tell him no dream is too big. Reference guys like bill Gates, Steve jobs, Elon musk if you have to. But in the end it's him vs the grind and he has to chose either to run with it or run away from it

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2 People

Adam1978

+1 y
Neither of these are good examples they made career without good school grades and education. They are lessons for building your own thing on the side and focus on that and let school come second. Smart guys succeed without good degrees. Because school isn't made for them.
BlessedDaddy

+1 y
He's right on the money and in talkimg to the boyfriend. No one said it's gonna be easy and fun and motivating. He didn't graduate high school. Sounds like this motivation issue is a problem.
ZackBan

+1 y
Yeah I suppose other examples might work better. But a good success story always help motivate someone feeling down, she could talk about Michael Jordan if need be. The point is not to bother with the mother and focus on him.

Answer 35

Adam1978

Neither of these are good examples they made career without good school grades and education. They are lessons for building your own thing on the side and focus on that and let school come second. Smart guys succeed without good degrees. Because school isn't made for them.

Answer 36

BlessedDaddy

He's right on the money and in talkimg to the boyfriend. No one said it's gonna be easy and fun and motivating. He didn't graduate high school. Sounds like this motivation issue is a problem.

Answer 37

ZackBan

Yeah I suppose other examples might work better. But a good success story always help motivate someone feeling down, she could talk about Michael Jordan if need be. The point is not to bother with the mother and focus on him.

Answer 38

Jerre | 706 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

I would send the letter. The parents, who obviously try to hold tight control over him, will probably try and hold you responsible for any shortcomings. Try to point out you are trying to help him and want him to be comfortable with his chosen career path.

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Answer 39

Edward_van_Helsin

Xper 1

Accordjng to your edit, it seems you received the right tips. Let him know that no matter what, you are and you will be here, so he has way less pressure, and keep supporting him but not infantilizing him, you are not his mother nor his nany, he is a guy, he will bear it.

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Answer 40

Serevas

Xper 1

I wouldn't recommend it at all. You're basically going to tell a mother she doesn't know what is best for her son.

From what you're saying it's probably true that she doesn't, but telling her that would not go over well at all. You should instead try to motivate your boyfriend to voice to them what he wants to do and that he needs their support to try and reach those goals.

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Answer 41

Anonymous

I really don't think it's a good idea, like unsolicited opinion.

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Answer 42

lookin64

Xper 6

No definitely not
It will end up breaking you guys up.
If he is own man then moving away from that environment sounds like the best thing he could do.

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Answer 43

spartan55 | 2.3K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Master

100% Absolutely DO NOT do it. Recipe for disaster on many fronts.

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2 People

Answer 44

YHL6965 | 925 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

I think that if your message is focused on him, on his happiness and his success instead of blaming his mother, this could be a good move from you. Just a little side note, I don't think cyber security would be an easy job for him, especially if he has attention troubles. It's great if you are here to support him though. I hope the best for you two!

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1 Person

Answer 45

Guanfei | 1.3K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

Terrible idea. She'll use it against you on him, to separate you. And since she obviously has quite a lot of power over him, she might succeed.
She obviously isn't fond of you, and that would be the perfect occasion for her to pretend you're a bad influence on him and maybe the reason he's failing.

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1 Person

Answer 46

COMMODOREII | 2K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Master

I think i know what you mean. I don't see a problem with it. Have you considering seeing her in person?

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Answer 47

open4funn

Xper 1

In all honesty. Sounds like his family is trying to drive him in a negative way. A truly toxic situation like that could be more destructive to the both of you then helpful.

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Answer 48

LEADFOOTboi | 454 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Yoda

keep it civil, his mom may need another perspective and step parents can be...

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Is it a good idea to contact his mom?

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