I read a few old diary entries from over a year ago regarding the failure of the relationship with my first love. Honestly, the consistency in my opinions from then to now led to an eye opening revelation. I am the type to believe that things were supposed to go differently. I had believed that I treated my ex well. I felt that he should have recognized that at the very least, I didn’t deserve to be played. I believed that he should not have made claims to love me, asked for us to be together, or slept with me constantly simply because I was a good person and I thought that being a good person should warrant being treated with decency. I also felt that my ex claimed to want a “good woman” and I met that standard. I didn’t believe that a man like him should have handled me the way he did. I had heard horror stories from my friends about the kind of guys they had met in their lives and here was this guy who had never raised his voice at me, never called me a name or hit me, never forced me to have sex with him and who I felt was a good man that everybody adored. And even HE failed to treat me with decency? I felt taken aback and extremely insulted when I found out that he had left me for another girl who was nothing like me. It made me feel like I had no redeemable qualities at all because the girl he got with behind my back was absolutely different from me in every way. I felt that men talk shit about women like her, but that’s what they go for. I basically felt like everything that happened wasn’t logically supposed to happen. It lead to me feeling like I was extremely confused about what I should be doing or how I should treat people. I also started to feel inherently worthless, like I couldn’t do anything right or be good enough. I want to know what to do. How am I supposed to act and what am I supposed to be doing instead of what I was doing already?