The inner battle is over, Now feeling lost (Survivor's guilt)?

I had a loveless mother and never been able to reach her expectations, Growing up unloved, unaccepted, and uncontrollable. spending most of my teen years in deep self-loathe and self-hatred, listening to metalcore, deathcore music exercising, and working really hard, searching for love yet never being able to reach. I have always had pretty decent looks but the trauma has changed something, I am not able to feel. The few girls who came into my life gave me nothing but scars, I didn't want them to stay away but couldn't keep them closer, now a new girl has come up here, she's kind, smart, wise, willing to listen, and understand. But I just can't feel I can't say how peaceful my state of mind is right now but I just can't feel! I can't feel happy, I can't love anything anymore. The last girl helped me get out of my state making me feel appreciated and loved, yet laughing with her friends the day I cried for her that was leaving.
But this time...,
I don't think anyone can take this demon out this time It has become a part of me.
Tell me what you think thanks...
The inner battle is over, Now feeling lost (Survivor's guilt)?
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