Ladies, how do I respectfully escalate a relationship with a shy inexperienced girl?

Question

I've been dating a woman for about 2 years now and things have been mostly good however there are times i wonder how into me she is, mainly because she will go days without initiating any contact with me but then will start initiating after going silent for about a week this happens every once in a while. She never ignores my texts and is always happy to reply quickly but i don't like initiating every day so i just let her go quiet until she starts to want to talk.
she also never invites me to her place just to spend time with her and its always me making the plans to hang out I feel I can't invite my self over to her place so its always out to dinner or movie or arcade etc. something that costs money i would invite her to my place more often but her work schedule is not as flexible as mine so its easier for her if I go to her. I don't mind this but i wish she would invite me to hang out for the evening and she never has.
She has invited me to several of her family gatherings including a 4 day trip which was nice so I have been around her parents but never just the 2 of us at her place. I should mention were both 30 and in a bit of a LDR with 2 hours between us making it hard for her to come to my place because of her work schedule.
We only see each other for about 3 hours once a month and I feel like she should want to see me more i know i want to see her more.
Another issue i have is there is not much if any closeness with us, we have kissed but just a peck and we hug but no more contact than that. I know the trouble is inexperience as i am her 1st boyfriend and she's my 2nd girlfriend with her being a virgin.
I am not trying to get her into bed and am happy to wait until marriage (she is a church going girl so I'm sure thats her plan and its fine with me) but i would like a little more intimacy with clothes on.

Ladies, how should I let her know I want to move this relationship forward without being disrespectful but also not coming off as needy?

Answer 1

btbc92 | 2.9K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Master

If you want intimacy get married. She is not entitled to give you anything which is why she's keeping the boundaries. She's doing the right thing. You don't escalate anything unless you want to marry her. Which is exactly what you wait for. Getting married. If you're already feeling that way please ask yourself why you end this relationship? Because it's not about being inexperienced. It's about a matter of trust having respect and preserving and keeping yourself. If you are not on the same boat you do not need to be with her. And you should have been honest about your beliefs from the beginning if you haven't. If you are not a virgin yourself then you should not be expecting to be having anything like that.

Asker

12 d
thank you for your reply, i do want to marry her but its only been 2 years and i made it clear in my story that sex is not what i am after until after marriage i knew that was how it would be when i started dating her and i agree with her. i appreciate your opinion but i specifically said i simply would like more closeness with clothes on.
i must also reiterate its been 2 years I'm not saying this 3 weeks into a relationship. i think she would tell you I've been very respectful of her boundaries i was simply asking how to earn her trust and respectfully start to move the relationship forward. i really don't think its necessary wait until marriage to have my arm around her while we watch a movie rather than sit on opposite ends of the sofa like were are siblings lol.
btbc92

12 d
Listen. Marriage is marriage. You have more than enough time to know that you want to marry her so why are you going to waste your time. If you really love get married. If you already picked her choose her ready. Hypothetically speaking if somebody claims all that I will start thinking that he really doesn't want to be with me.
Asker

12 d
I'm pretty sure that if i prosposed to her now she would say its too soon and i would agree with her we haven't even said i love you yet we are taking it slow which is what we both want. even though i have made up my mind that i want to marry her but i need to make her more comfortable first.
I'm simply asking how to do that with out being pushy as i do very much respect her.
Show All Show Less
btbc92

12 d
Again like I said if you both really love each other just get married. I am the exact same way when it comes to that and let me tell you something. I would really start questioning if that's even if I don't want. Because that sounds more like friendship even though it is a great thing to be doing especially when you want to have a strong intimate relationship then it is something that's a romantic relationship. I highly suggest you both stop re-evaluating what you both really want and what you both are doing. Because you only been with each other for 2 years. By the time you should already have a clear decision what you both want to do. Because now what that says is that she's very afraid of intimacy and everything else and I don't think this has anything to do with just following God's will.
btbc92

12 d
Because she may need to get counseling.
btbc92

12 d
If you haven't even said that you loved each other yet that sounds like a red flag to me. The reality is this is not you this is all her. You better make sure that she's not using you.
btbc92

12 d
I know because I'm philophobic. I never dated even once and I'm almost near Thirty myself. I would never put a man in such a position knowing that he cares for me and yeah I still act like I don't feel the same way for him. At that point then I know it's not just fear. It's probably because I don't feel that so much as the same about with them as I would like to. At that point it's not his job to really make me feel that comfortable. Now it's my job to really figure out what in the world am I doing. It can lead to a lot of potential problems in marriage so I highly suggest you rethink one that. Don't lose further until you are certain she is not using you. Before the next thing you know you're five years into a relationship and you're still not getting anywhere when you put a share that with someone else who is ready and prepare for intimacy.
Asker

11 d
i agree with you that we could start saying i love you. we have said "love you" without the I so quite often so thats something i know its not the same without the I. perhaps I should ask her where she sees this going. thank you for your input
btbc92

11 d
Oh boy. Yep doesn't sound like she really loves you at all. Sounds like she likes the attention she's getting. She could be suffering from severe depression or something else. Something she's hiding her something that she's not telling you. If she's getting defensive then she's hiding and I think you better re-evaluate to be with her. It's okay to be a friend but that is definitely not a romantic relationship.
Asker

11 d
if you started to date would you initiate some non sexual physical contact, hand holding, hugs, sitting close together because that my issue she doesn't and i think she's just shy. i don't think she's using me because she never asks me for anything like money or food or stuff.
btbc92

11 d
Hypothetically speaking if I wasn't celibate anymore. If I can't even hold a person's hand how the hell am I going to be dating a person? Trust is key in a relationship even I know that. That's why you have friends. That's why you start out being friends first thing really getting to know each other and develop that trust. I do all that with all my friends. If I can't even do all that and it's bad enough I'm already touch avoid it. I would not only feel unloved, I would feel unworthy, and I will feel like I'm hurting another person. And their pain is becoming my pain. At that point I would basically cut it off myself, because the last thing I need is to lead a person on and do the same to myself. That person doesn't deserve that. I was always told I'm shy too. But I can guarantee you as a so-called shy person that's not the reason why. She lacks trust. And she's probably been abused before. Because that's the source of all of my problems. Not just to avoid being in sexual sin or do things that is as pleasing to God or things that I know that is not right. Yes she's doing it just to please you. She's not doing it because she doesn't want anything. She has problems that needs to be addressed by a professional. And that is something that you can't do because as a human being you are not perfect. You're not God. And you can't fill the void that she's missing. My advice is don't even try before it drains you and then you go to resent her for making a decision. Or else you may grow to even hate yourself for it.
btbc92

11 d
I can't tell you what to do or how to run your relationship. But I'm just giving you a fair warning. If you at this point will you start to question something like this, is a sign of a problem that you need to stop ignoring. Before both of you get severely hurt. Bad enough you two already too emotionally attached.
btbc92

11 d
And to be honest. I don't see what the point for myself even be in a relationship. I already have enough problems that I grew up with boyfriend from family all the people. Most guys don't want someone like me anyway. Not because I'm not so cool attractive or whatever because I already have enough problems or I'm not like other girls that is willing to be sexual and do all the things like that. I'm just different. At the end of the day I have a lot of problems. And I'm still going through problems. A man and a woman needs to be healthy and whole before they even think about having a solid relationship. Someone like me will require years of extensive counseling and nobody needs that baggage. I'm not even stable yet and I'm still at home. You don't just feel isolated. But you feel discouraged and broken. Those permanent scars can God forbid passed down to your Offspring if you're not careful. I would rather be alone and do the right thing then it'd be selfish and lead on another person when I know I'm in no place to even be involve anybody let alone that having rational logical reasons to be in one in the first place. Everybody pays some type of intimacy. But not everybody's going to have a sexual relationship. For me personally I know there's no purpose except for the unrealistic expectations of people. Such as family or parents desire and grandkids. But myself, at the scene and witnessing a lot of stuff from people not only of my own experience. I know that's not the right decision for me. Especially when it's hardly anybody suitable for that kind of relationship. And even if they is. They don't treat you with respect or they don't want you.. And if they do is probably because of superficial reason but they don't value for you and you're not willing to invest in you. Or they say they would but only fill in the blank.
btbc92

11 d
In the end they don't really accept you unless it's something that benefits them. Guys like you are Rarity. And I can literally say that she is blessed to have you. But don't be wasting your blessings on a person who you know is not able to reciprocate. Because now it becomes selfish for her and she's the one that not only needs Deliverance but she needs healing. That must come first before you end up getting greatly affected where even you don't want to desire a person anymore and that's not fair to you. Others May condemn me for even saying something like that because now I'm telling others that they should miss out on opportunities. But here's the thing. All those opportunities for Godly reasons or is it because for selfish reasons? Which one is it? Because somebody is going to end up paying the price and somebody's going to end up hurt either way. Single life is hard. But marriage life is even harder. If you're going through the struggles already, and marriage is already difficult enough, how are you going to make it except by God's grace? Seriously ask yourself how was you going to make it? And we already have a virus to contend with.
btbc92

11 d
It just sounds like to me she just doesn't want to be alone. But she's not able to provide you what you want and need either. I'm sorry to say. And I just hope that I am not the cause of problem. But I'm just pointing out what I'm seeing. And unless you both find a way to overcome this. I'm sorry.
btbc92

11 d
Touch Avoidant*
Asker

11 d
thank you for your insight it makes a lot of sense and i wish you well and hope you don't write off relationships for much longer there are still good men out there but they are rare. just know what red flags to watch for if they try to sleep with you right away is a major one. its hard to find but some guys are respectful and really do want long term relationships ending in marriage especially in your age group. But the best advice i can give is don't be afraid to approach so many guys are terrified to approach women today so its ok to show interest first.
btbc92

11 d
Thank you for your kind words. But I am literally that innocent. I am not so selfish to do something like that. And never would pursue a guy for those purposes. I'm literally done. I suffered enough and I don't need that pain. I'm not looking for it or have that desire. I made up my mind at 13. Like I said, what is the purpose for me? I never had much interest anyway. I'm that intuitive to know who's who. That's why they won't bother. With great power comes with great responsibility. It's beautiful to have, but I would feel stifled and trapped. I have enough generational curses that have to be broken from my bloodline. I have nothing to provide anyone. But once again, thank you. And I pray you two find a solution.
btbc92

11 d
I'm not compatible with most anyway because I saved myself sexually and all. How I love is very different than what many men desire. That's why they work well with other women and assume I'm asexual when I'm not. So look. Such relationships are meant to be sexual. That's how God made it. There is no shame in that. But for me. No. I cannot. And I refuse to make a man miserable and ashamed of himself because of me. A man needs more. I'm just ready to go home to God when the time comes. Don't need anything in this life holding me back from getting to my goal: Jesus and the Father. God should and is my focus. A man cannot give me what I desire, and that is God and the fruits of the Spirit and all spiritual blessings. Not worldly blessings that don't last forever.

Answer 2

Asker

thank you for your reply, i do want to marry her but its only been 2 years and i made it clear in my story that sex is not what i am after until after marriage i knew that was how it would be when i started dating her and i agree with her. i appreciate your opinion but i specifically said i simply would like more closeness with clothes on.
i must also reiterate its been 2 years I'm not saying this 3 weeks into a relationship. i think she would tell you I've been very respectful of her boundaries i was simply asking how to earn her trust and respectfully start to move the relationship forward. i really don't think its necessary wait until marriage to have my arm around her while we watch a movie rather than sit on opposite ends of the sofa like were are siblings lol.

Answer 3

btbc92

Listen. Marriage is marriage. You have more than enough time to know that you want to marry her so why are you going to waste your time. If you really love get married. If you already picked her choose her ready. Hypothetically speaking if somebody claims all that I will start thinking that he really doesn't want to be with me.

Answer 4

Asker

I'm pretty sure that if i prosposed to her now she would say its too soon and i would agree with her we haven't even said i love you yet we are taking it slow which is what we both want. even though i have made up my mind that i want to marry her but i need to make her more comfortable first.
I'm simply asking how to do that with out being pushy as i do very much respect her.

Answer 5

btbc92

Again like I said if you both really love each other just get married. I am the exact same way when it comes to that and let me tell you something. I would really start questioning if that's even if I don't want. Because that sounds more like friendship even though it is a great thing to be doing especially when you want to have a strong intimate relationship then it is something that's a romantic relationship. I highly suggest you both stop re-evaluating what you both really want and what you both are doing. Because you only been with each other for 2 years. By the time you should already have a clear decision what you both want to do. Because now what that says is that she's very afraid of intimacy and everything else and I don't think this has anything to do with just following God's will.

Answer 6

btbc92

Because she may need to get counseling.

Answer 7

btbc92

If you haven't even said that you loved each other yet that sounds like a red flag to me. The reality is this is not you this is all her. You better make sure that she's not using you.

Answer 8

btbc92

I know because I'm philophobic. I never dated even once and I'm almost near Thirty myself. I would never put a man in such a position knowing that he cares for me and yeah I still act like I don't feel the same way for him. At that point then I know it's not just fear. It's probably because I don't feel that so much as the same about with them as I would like to. At that point it's not his job to really make me feel that comfortable. Now it's my job to really figure out what in the world am I doing. It can lead to a lot of potential problems in marriage so I highly suggest you rethink one that. Don't lose further until you are certain she is not using you. Before the next thing you know you're five years into a relationship and you're still not getting anywhere when you put a share that with someone else who is ready and prepare for intimacy.

Answer 9

Asker

i agree with you that we could start saying i love you. we have said "love you" without the I so quite often so thats something i know its not the same without the I. perhaps I should ask her where she sees this going. thank you for your input

Answer 10

btbc92

Oh boy. Yep doesn't sound like she really loves you at all. Sounds like she likes the attention she's getting. She could be suffering from severe depression or something else. Something she's hiding her something that she's not telling you. If she's getting defensive then she's hiding and I think you better re-evaluate to be with her. It's okay to be a friend but that is definitely not a romantic relationship.

Answer 11

Asker

if you started to date would you initiate some non sexual physical contact, hand holding, hugs, sitting close together because that my issue she doesn't and i think she's just shy. i don't think she's using me because she never asks me for anything like money or food or stuff.

Answer 12

btbc92

Hypothetically speaking if I wasn't celibate anymore. If I can't even hold a person's hand how the hell am I going to be dating a person? Trust is key in a relationship even I know that. That's why you have friends. That's why you start out being friends first thing really getting to know each other and develop that trust. I do all that with all my friends. If I can't even do all that and it's bad enough I'm already touch avoid it. I would not only feel unloved, I would feel unworthy, and I will feel like I'm hurting another person. And their pain is becoming my pain. At that point I would basically cut it off myself, because the last thing I need is to lead a person on and do the same to myself. That person doesn't deserve that. I was always told I'm shy too. But I can guarantee you as a so-called shy person that's not the reason why. She lacks trust. And she's probably been abused before. Because that's the source of all of my problems. Not just to avoid being in sexual sin or do things that is as pleasing to God or things that I know that is not right. Yes she's doing it just to please you. She's not doing it because she doesn't want anything. She has problems that needs to be addressed by a professional. And that is something that you can't do because as a human being you are not perfect. You're not God. And you can't fill the void that she's missing. My advice is don't even try before it drains you and then you go to resent her for making a decision. Or else you may grow to even hate yourself for it.

Answer 13

btbc92

I can't tell you what to do or how to run your relationship. But I'm just giving you a fair warning. If you at this point will you start to question something like this, is a sign of a problem that you need to stop ignoring. Before both of you get severely hurt. Bad enough you two already too emotionally attached.

Answer 14

btbc92

And to be honest. I don't see what the point for myself even be in a relationship. I already have enough problems that I grew up with boyfriend from family all the people. Most guys don't want someone like me anyway. Not because I'm not so cool attractive or whatever because I already have enough problems or I'm not like other girls that is willing to be sexual and do all the things like that. I'm just different. At the end of the day I have a lot of problems. And I'm still going through problems. A man and a woman needs to be healthy and whole before they even think about having a solid relationship. Someone like me will require years of extensive counseling and nobody needs that baggage. I'm not even stable yet and I'm still at home. You don't just feel isolated. But you feel discouraged and broken. Those permanent scars can God forbid passed down to your Offspring if you're not careful. I would rather be alone and do the right thing then it'd be selfish and lead on another person when I know I'm in no place to even be involve anybody let alone that having rational logical reasons to be in one in the first place. Everybody pays some type of intimacy. But not everybody's going to have a sexual relationship. For me personally I know there's no purpose except for the unrealistic expectations of people. Such as family or parents desire and grandkids. But myself, at the scene and witnessing a lot of stuff from people not only of my own experience. I know that's not the right decision for me. Especially when it's hardly anybody suitable for that kind of relationship. And even if they is. They don't treat you with respect or they don't want you.. And if they do is probably because of superficial reason but they don't value for you and you're not willing to invest in you. Or they say they would but only fill in the blank.

Answer 15

btbc92

In the end they don't really accept you unless it's something that benefits them. Guys like you are Rarity. And I can literally say that she is blessed to have you. But don't be wasting your blessings on a person who you know is not able to reciprocate. Because now it becomes selfish for her and she's the one that not only needs Deliverance but she needs healing. That must come first before you end up getting greatly affected where even you don't want to desire a person anymore and that's not fair to you. Others May condemn me for even saying something like that because now I'm telling others that they should miss out on opportunities. But here's the thing. All those opportunities for Godly reasons or is it because for selfish reasons? Which one is it? Because somebody is going to end up paying the price and somebody's going to end up hurt either way. Single life is hard. But marriage life is even harder. If you're going through the struggles already, and marriage is already difficult enough, how are you going to make it except by God's grace? Seriously ask yourself how was you going to make it? And we already have a virus to contend with.

Answer 16

btbc92

It just sounds like to me she just doesn't want to be alone. But she's not able to provide you what you want and need either. I'm sorry to say. And I just hope that I am not the cause of problem. But I'm just pointing out what I'm seeing. And unless you both find a way to overcome this. I'm sorry.

Answer 17

btbc92

Touch Avoidant*

Answer 18

Asker

thank you for your insight it makes a lot of sense and i wish you well and hope you don't write off relationships for much longer there are still good men out there but they are rare. just know what red flags to watch for if they try to sleep with you right away is a major one. its hard to find but some guys are respectful and really do want long term relationships ending in marriage especially in your age group. But the best advice i can give is don't be afraid to approach so many guys are terrified to approach women today so its ok to show interest first.

Answer 19

btbc92

Thank you for your kind words. But I am literally that innocent. I am not so selfish to do something like that. And never would pursue a guy for those purposes. I'm literally done. I suffered enough and I don't need that pain. I'm not looking for it or have that desire. I made up my mind at 13. Like I said, what is the purpose for me? I never had much interest anyway. I'm that intuitive to know who's who. That's why they won't bother. With great power comes with great responsibility. It's beautiful to have, but I would feel stifled and trapped. I have enough generational curses that have to be broken from my bloodline. I have nothing to provide anyone. But once again, thank you. And I pray you two find a solution.

Answer 20

btbc92

I'm not compatible with most anyway because I saved myself sexually and all. How I love is very different than what many men desire. That's why they work well with other women and assume I'm asexual when I'm not. So look. Such relationships are meant to be sexual. That's how God made it. There is no shame in that. But for me. No. I cannot. And I refuse to make a man miserable and ashamed of himself because of me. A man needs more. I'm just ready to go home to God when the time comes. Don't need anything in this life holding me back from getting to my goal: Jesus and the Father. God should and is my focus. A man cannot give me what I desire, and that is God and the fruits of the Spirit and all spiritual blessings. Not worldly blessings that don't last forever.

Answer 21

Heavenly_

Xper 3

My ex was similar to that , you just should be careful when approaching her and make the things slowly get more fully relationship stuff. I mean start with small things like holding hands or hitting light her shoulder -kinda jokes will make you two closer.

Asker

12 d
thanks for the reply i like the idea of holding hands. that sounds innocent enough

Answer 22

Asker

thanks for the reply i like the idea of holding hands. that sounds innocent enough

Answer 23

Anonymous

she is in her early 30s?

Asker

3 d
yes she just turned 30
Opinion Owner

11 h
she never had a boyfriend until you?

Answer 24

Asker

yes she just turned 30

Answer 25

Opinion Owner

she never had a boyfriend until you?

Ladies, how do I respectfully escalate a relationship with a shy inexperienced girl?

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