Do You Think People "Settle For" Or "Stay With" The Wrong People To Avoid Being Alone?

[Lliam]

Many people do. Yes.
Every relationship requires a certain amount of give and take. So, from that standpoint, everyone balances the benefits of their relationship against the sacrifices. In a healthy relationship, the benefits outweigh the sacrifices.

In an unhealthy relationship, one person causes harm to the other. A person might be self-centered, domineering, or abusive. Some people put up with that kind of attitude/behavior for fear of being alone or because they are financially dependent. They trade misery for what they think is security. But what kind of security is that?

I can never understand women who say things like "I love him so much" while asking for advice on how to get their partner to stop abusing them. And there are endless stories about someone repeatedly physically or emotionally abusing their partner and the abused party falls for the abuser's tearful apologies. They'll say "He (or she) really loves me." I say, that ain't love.

In the end, both abusers and those who put up with abuse are mentally ill to some extent. They can fix themselves through education and by getting in touch with what influences in their past caused their behavior. People can change.

[Inexpensivefurniture]

Absolutely. I've seen my mom jump from bad relationship to bad relationship, staying in each one years after it should have ended, if it ever should have begun in the first place. It seems like she waits until the guys breaks up with her. I actually don't know if she's ever been the one to end things.
All her kids are grown up and don't live with her anymore. She has a somewhat rocky relationship with all of us and we don't see her too often (every few months usually, though we call way more often than that. I usually check in at least once a week. I don't know about my brother or sister though). And she doesn't really have any friends of her own. I think she's scared that if she's single, she won't have anyone.
Not to mention her financial status, which isn't great. She's a contract worker painting houses, so the money isn't steady. Double income helps a lot.
It makes me sad to see her stay with these guys who don't make her as happy as she could be, or who bring out bad qualities in her, but I can't say I don't understand. As much as I can at least. And I can't say for sure I'd be brave enough to leave if I was in her place.

[Newhead]

This is a known fact. My soulmate chose someone else over me and is now stuck with someone ruining his pockets and image. I was his equal and we would have been perfect together. He listened to others and had her play on his emotion telling him I was glitter but not gold, so she was better.

I was publicly humiliated, shunned and lied on so I moved on and he is pretending to be happy but wants to come back sneakily by paying people to lie to me, but I blocked him everywhere, while I watch him go into poverty, having to watch her run away with all his money, money she didn't even help him to get. It was all me lmao.

Better to always go with who you truly love instead of settling because it was easier and accepted by society. His company and colleagues are currently in a social scandal, sorry for the rant but ohhh this is sweet justice for being painted in a bad light and being misjudged. Always choose a soulmate, always or end up broke and miserable.

[Yads_Is_Back]

Of course they do. A lot of people do.

I’ll be the first to say that I do crave love. I’m a passionate person and I love to love another. Always. But it’s not the best for me to accept anyone who feels love toward me. What I learned the HARD WAY: it’s not good to go hunting for the right one either! Because yeah, you end up with who you want, but what you want is not what you get.

I think men settle a lot more than women do. I think anybody - man or woman - who settles shouldn’t complain when their actions have consequences. Therefore, I think that’s why men complain so much and don’t bother to fix their own problems. It’s not right of women to be wrong to them like that, but at the same time:
”Insanity: doing the SAME THING over and over and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

So I myself don’t settle, it’s a retarded thing to do. But I understand the reason why a lot of people do.

[jennifer_bloom]

I think a lot of people do and I don’t understand it - While I believe I want a boyfriend I prefer being single to being in a bad relationship

[Citizenkirk]

I think some people do, and some are at piece with that decision, but a person can spend time with someone they respect and have common interest with, or character traits that are compatible with their own, without conforming to a specific, rigid relationship criteria or Configuration.
If you remember the The Odd Couple, a TV show about two heterosexual males living together as platonic friends and roomates, based on a plot where they are always at odds with each other, from the first time they meet, and find that a large part of the reason why they're always at each other's throats, is because they see so much of what they don't like about themselves in the other's annoying habits, and the other part of what irritates them about each other, are the different things about thier personalities that are truly deserving of annoyance.
There are many examples a physical relationships of a romantic, non romantic, or other relationship models that bring and hold people together, and they have nothing to do with starting a family or scratching that Primal itch in the form of sexual intercourse or reproductive motivations, like the T. V. show My Two Dads, a show about an adolescent girl who doesn't know who her real biological father is, and upon the death of her mother, receives a cryptic note about two men from her mother's past indicating a strong likelihood that one of them is her biological father, the theme of the show was someone implausible, but a cute girl with two nice guys who are uncharacteristically innocent in contrast to their bachelor lifestyle, is a somewhat far fetched example of a family model that involved family values outside of the traditional nuclear family conventional model I was raised too believe as the American standard of the time.
Where I'm going with this is that no matter how unlucky you are in love and family based relationships, there's no natural law that says you have to be alone, and there are different ways of being with people, each provides a fulfilling aspect of the human relationship equation.

[Screenwriter]

Sure they do. But these people are fearful for other reasons: likely, low self-esteem, poor relations with their parents, not enough love in their family of origin home.

Kids who are raised to be independent and healthy don't end up staying in abusive situations. And by abusive, I don't mean only someone who slaps you around; I also mean situations where there is emotional abuse or where the is absence of love and care.

I know a man who got a puppy because he said he was lonely. Of course people get lonely. But you don't get a puppy because you're lonely. You get a puppy because you want a puppy in your life. You have a home to give to the puppy. You want to take the puppy for walks. The puppy is not there to salve your loneliness.

That happens as a matter of course. But if you can't be happy being alone, you should never add another person or thing to your life, thinking that person or thing will solve your loneliness. Loneliness comes from a lack within yourself.

Until you can understand that, you'll not solve that problem. When you get there,
you might have some lonely TIMES, but you'll not ever be dependent on another person or thing to solve your loneliness. You'll know how to take care of it yourself.

And you'll never NEED to stay in a bad situation because you feel alone.

[Jjpayne]

I think I myself might be inclined to do that... I do hope it's settling in the things I could settle on... It really is a balance, what things are good to compromise on and what things should you not... I think I would be quicker to give someone a chance in ways, to overlook things but in another sense I'm also looking for someone I can live life with and be comfortable with so it's also like back and forth.

But I agree that its more tempting to settle than simply be alone.

I'd rather settle than be alone but to be fair, settling in some cases might not be That bad but for some things it can be pretty bad.. I guess it depends what you are settling in, dislikes videos games but loves knitting vs not trusting and wanting a steady amount of cash spend on them to an unhealthy amount...

It's tough but I can see this playing out for some, while others might view singleness as a power or ability to control their lives... For me, belonging to someone, is something I desire

[SjE78]

some do yes, i have known a few over the years who have done this... and even some i've met on here and even my own ex wife i believe is also guilty of this, she was getting older, and was coming up for 30 when we met, and her biological clock was ticking away, looking back on how that went and how it ended, i believe she only wanted to be with me because she knew i was a "safe bet" she knew i could give her children, and knew i dont cheat so i believe she played on that to get what she wanted then walk away...

[NyceGuyFinishingLast]

Yes, people stay for all the wrong reasons in a failing relationship. Some reasons are dumb and some are an end game.

Some stay because they have low self-esteem and thinks that no one else would want them.

Some stay because they feel like they can't be alone and they feel better having a warm body close by.

Some are in that comfort zone or rut rather and do not want to change how things are.

Some stay because that need the second income because they don't have the money to move or make it on their own.

Some have convinced themselves that they can fix the relationship if they stay long enough.

[19magic]

I think you should never just stick to your ideals and there's always going to be some sort of settling to be going on. But the question is how much one is going to settle if its the sake of a bad relationship or toxic people then no people shouldn't but they tend to settle with them as they have kids between them. But if it's regrading not enjoying the same things like I'd prefer a guy whos into books and games, thrillseeker, and into most genres of movies/shows from Sci-fis to action to horror to comedies, but if a guy doesn't check all of those boxes I'm not gunna blacklist him from romance lol

[Thatasianlove16]

If anything if you are alone you’re able to regulate exactly what you want. I’ve been seeing so many people just taking themselves on dates or just treating themselves into something that they like. People who are serial dater‘s will never really understand that until they finally just settle. That’s why I’m all for people that never really felt the need to be in a relationship because they know exactly what they want when it comes to it. Because in the end they don’t end up really breaking up with that first person or the two or three people that they end up dating. Because they have expectations And have the patience to see if the other person is what they want

[JKingOff]

Yes I do. I have a lot of female friends that I would have definitely considered asking out except for the fact that every time the opportunity arises I find out that they're back with the person that's beating them. plus on top of that they seem to think that they're ugly, and wants to know why people don't want to be with them. I try to be reassuring and tell them that they're not ugly and that there are plenty of guys that would want to be with them. my advice for anyone in a similar situation is that no guy worth having is going to ask you out when you're already in a relationship.

[Massageman]

Settle for? Sure.

Stay with? Unfortunately , far too often.
My wife is a professional counselor and while she was wanting to scale back a bit as we get older, she has been getting so many MORE new people due to lack of people contact, or too MUCH contact with quarantined family members, etc, The only shining light here is that the insurance companies WILL pay for "remote virtual counseling", whereas before the shutdowns they wouldn't. but I digress

It is too often that people will absorb too much abuse (of whatever kind) before they overcome the perception (be it true or not) that making a change is harder than accepting the abuse. By their nature, people usually do not like change, even if the status quo really sucks green apples!

It's OK to set boundaries, speak up, and have your own life!

[Manduh]

I would rather stay alone than settle for any guy at any age of my life. My life might be worse with someone I don't want to be with. I'd rather be alone and free from them. Also, it could be the other way around. I'm keeping my priorities high. Settling is not an option.

[caring__1]

Men are more likely to do this than women. Men feel a rut is safe, so they tend to choose familiarity over the hassle of starting over. When women stay, it is more likely to be due to discomfort of losing a lifestyle or a drop in their standard of living or an assumed negative impact on the children. Though men may complain about a less than ideal partner, that complaining just reduces the stress that might motivate them to take action. Women often find their anxiety rises as they focus more on their partner's flaws. It's the rising anxiety/stress that motivates the individual to change circumstances, either seeking help or leaving. Guys rarely seek help, as that is seen as unmanly.

[Iwasthinkingif]

I do think a lot of people are in relationships because they do not want to be alone, a lot of them won't admit it.
I think it is very understandable because not everyone has the strenght and the patience to stay alone waiting for the person that meets our standards and the person with whom you'll have a deep sincere and pure connection, it is hard to find.
I personally could never settle for less, and I enjoy being alone.

[Arivor]

We all need to learn how to be happy living alone. None of us should ever try and share our miserable live with another until we can be happy living alone. Once we are happy living alone, then and only then should you consider sharing your happy life with another. Seriously, If you aren't happy with the life you live, how can you expect anyone could be happy living with you?

[RolandCuthbert]

Of course. I have seen this all my life. I don't totally agree with Keanu on this. I agree partially. Having a sexual partner or someone to be intimate with is not a requirement of happiness. But you can't be alone. You have to have friends and loved ones in your life.

[Anon621]

That is a possibility. I also think the people might stay in an unhealthy relationship because maybe they have little to no experience and could think that the wrong relationship is actually normal to them. There are definitely people who might genuinely think that being in an unhealthy relationship is normal based on their experiences or their warped/closed minded experiences and/or closed minded beliefs

[DeeToPlay]

I suppose its very dependent on each individual situation and each individual must be true to themselves. What one might observe as settling could be a huge mistake from the outside and many people simply cannot handle being alone especially at certain stages of their lives. To thine onself be true and too each his own is what I say.

[Anonymous]

Men and women have much different definitions and reasons for "settling".

Women consider it when they have absolutely FEEL they have no sex appeal left... and to them just talking to an average guy is settling.

Men are forced into it if they don't want to die alone. If the guy isn't at least a 8, then he will have to do so. Settling to men entails dating abusive mental patients or drug addicts... even better mothers with 4-5 kids looking for someone to shoulder the load while also being insane and/or abusive. (AND THESE WOMEN WILL HATE YOU FOR NOT BEING THE 9+ THEY FEEL THEY DESERVE.)

[douride2]

Yes some times there is truth to this. I have a few friends who are in bad relationships & stay there mainly because the don't want to be alone. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I wasn't happy. Even if it means being alone. Which I am & its by my choice though.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I just read a story where this woman is staying with her ex-husband for 8 years now and he drinks daily and brings over another woman and she drinks too so it makes you wonder why these type of people stay together and I think people stay together cause sometimes it's financially the reason and others feel like they won't be able to find housing this woman pays for everything except the rent and I think these people need a securely blanket so that is why they stay together

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. I’ve heard people straight up say that. I stayed in a bad relationship before but not because I did not want to be alone. I enjoy being single sometimes. But I was honestly just afraid of people saying “Wow another failed relationship” But I eventually ended it and stopped caring what people say.

[JakeS00]

That and also because of their upbringing. For example if they grew up with nothing and the person they’re with is able to put stuff on the table or in the closets, (clothes, etc) but will have attitudes or selfishness, or limits to money, they will stay and put up with it rather than always confront the issue as a team. Because a fear of being alone with nothing again.

[allaboutyou2]

That would be a very selfish decision that I'm sure some people make.
If you truly love someone you want them to be happy, staying in a relationship that doesn't make you both happy is cruel.
The feeling of knowing that I was the source of unhappiness of the person I love would be a worse feeling than being alone.
The choice should be automatic, if I'm making the person I love unhappy, I will leave.

[David92506]

I used to have a female friend that was beautiful. She was in a bad relationship and I asked her why does she stay in it? She said because the sex is so good. So some people don't stay in bad relationships just because they are lonely. It could be because of sex, or money, or health reasons, etc.

[robusn]

My next relationship will be based on brutal honesty. Because this one failed due to a deep secret kept from me. Not even a bad one. She was just way more religious than I knew about and that caused problems years later.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

I think most people end up "settling", but for various reasons. It's probably most common that they give up on searching for "the one" because in your 20's especially, when all your friends get married, there's incredible pressures to find someone and get hitched so you aren't the outcast and one who appears to be left behind.

[Paolaa988]

Some people do but its unhealthy because what if the relationship becomes toxic and that partner is bad. I used to do that for the sake of not being alone and it only damaged me in the end...

[TessCasie]

Yup I guess once someone’s hitting mid 30s they get into a panic mode. They end up marrying anyone they get even though they know it won’t work out.
Secondly it also happens if you’ve been together for a long time aka relationship and you want to leave the person but your afraid what might happen after, as in whether you’ll find someone soon or you don’t want to hurt the other person.

[LowSelfSteem03]

Definitely more true statement on relationships. My previous partner dumped me because he didn't realise I have little kids and wasn't happy that they weren't his.

[ArrowheadSW]

Yes I am sure that is the case sometimes. And there can be other reasons also that people have to stay in relationships that they should otherwise not be in.

[MecheD]

Entirely yes I do... fact is society itself always promotes two or more of anything. From tv, movies, music,... etc. so it’s a constant battle for those of the “single” life to get hitched.

[TonyMetal___86]

Well loneliness is a silent killer and a bad relationship is a monster! NO TO BOTH!
In a real marriage the husband and wife will kill both so that they remain one spiritually and physically, also together forever 😊

[Mollynotgemma]

Not to avoid being alone. But to avoid failing at getting what they want! And ultimately admitting to themselves that they have no idea who they are!

[triff]

Yes they definitely do Its what is known as a habit relationship Half the time you forget why you are together but are comfortable with each other

[Avicenna]

Quite often people do do that; however, it’s not always clear that they’re settling it with the wrong person. Or they think they can fix the other person.

[OmNomaly]

Definitely think it's an ego thing. Self confidence issues or just the fear of the unknown. There are a lot of people with weak minds.

[SphynxUK]

Lots of people do this for many reasons. They don’t want to be alone is the main one.
I couldn’t do it.

[JosyJosy]

Some definitely do. One of my colleagues is scared to be alone and stays with this poor excuse of a boyfriend

[SunnySri]

I prefer staying alone mam. I mean what's the point of being in a relationship where both are suffering.

[PhilEvans]

Yes, I think there are lots of people who do this. I don't think it's a good thing though

[AndrewMG]

I settle for avoiding meeting or staying without the wrong people by staying alone lol... It's Win/Win lol

[WesBrewer]

I might if I was in my 30s and still couldn't find a good woman.

[Aniya06]

Those who do I feel bad for them :(
they could have so much better <3

[Bluemax]

Certainly some do. On the whole I think it's a mistake. I learned that the hard way.

[james_d0007]

Yes seen many people do that - mostly the ones who have been unable to find someone they call the one - end up choosing someone they would never have thought of only to avoid the void of being lonely.

[Andres77]

That or they simply don't know how to get out of a bad relationship...

[Jamie05rhs]

Yeah. They do that all the time. Beginning in the teen years. And some continue making bad choices even into their 40s.

[Grond21]

Absolutely some do. No doubt about it. And the fear of being alone is greater than the fear losing the time that they have.

[JaydenHereToHelp]

I recently got out of an abusive relationship, and it's so much better, my guy took my money, and now I got like an extra $1,000/month, I moved back in with my mother so every thing is so much better.

[TheAfrikan]

They settle for the wrong guys who they ain't connected to at, just to avoid being lonely no matter how abusive they are.

[cloud9vortex1234]

Yes, I've known people like that. They could never maintain a relationship. They just went from person to person.

[micap]

Yes some people can't be alone and would rather be in unhappy relationship then to face the world alone. They also fear that they'll never find another partner.

[iseekpinetrees]

I think rarely people settle to not be lonely. Especially these days. Its usually more like financial reasons or kids.

[NotAliveOnPurpose]

Yes, but also because they could be used to the abuse. People who had bad childhoods or unstable families probably search for those "bad people" out of needing what they're used to

[Liam_Hayden]

I believe so. I personally cannot fathom enduring that, but some people fear being alone.

[OddBeMe]

Prob both. But I’m not sure settling is so wrong. We all have priorities. I settle for an old car so I can afford to travel. I’m sure someone settles with someone they can control, or someone who’s a provider.

[blondfrog]

Yes absolutely agree there are people like this. As I have a brother who is like that.

[GoldenTulip]

Yes... i thinm many people do. Only the strong ones can handle it alone.

[the_sinner]

Only desperate people do that. Or someone who is going to be benefited from a relationship settles for someone.

[nelly83]

listen, most people DO SETTLE. Because there is no such thing as a perfect person.