Please can someone give me advice?

Question

I feel so stupid. Everytime I say I am going to break up with my boyfriend i go back on it because I forgive him. & then he says when I say it now ‘ he don’t care ‘ 🥺.. I feel so so down about this. ☹️ I’ve stopped speaking to him. But I just can’t help feeling embarrassed by it by giving him the benefit of the doubt all the time and he says he don’t care anymore when I said we are done because we always get back together. Like last time I said to him I’m keeping my options opened I went back on it myself because I felt bad and just wanted him. Can someone tell me what to do? Have I been so stupid

Answer 1

coldmarch

Xper 4

It depends on the reason: why are you telling him you want to break up? Do you actually want to break up or do you only want to attack him, making him feel threatened etc? I think it's more the second one, so if your intention is to communicate distress and that you're not getting enough value in this couple, then I think you've to find out another way to communicate it (also because this isn't working anymore: he doesn't even believe you're going to quit).
Instead if there are actual reasons for you to break (like, he cheats, he is psychologically abusive, on the long term he makes you feel inferior and drained etc), then you could give a last chance to the relationship by only trying to analyze then expose your actual needs and what is not working from your point of view. If he wants to work on correcting these things, good. If he minimizes and ignores, not good.

Asker

9 d
Tbh he minimises and ignored my needs whenever I tell him and then when I threaten to break up he acts accordingly. Then a few days he’s back to his normal behaviour. Also when I do try to break up he makes up excuses so first time he goes to me your leaving me because I have no money.
Second time is : he got caronavirus
Third time is : he got fired from his job
So I felt so bad and stayed. The other time when he let me down last minute for plans we had made & then I stayed. Also whenever I try to have a serious convo he goes I’m repeating myself
coldmarch

9 d
What are the reasons for you to want to quit this relationship anyway? Don't tell me the temporary ones for each time you decided to leave, but the ones that actually don't work, where your incompatibilities and difficulties show.
I think one is very clear already: you cannot communicate on the same wave.
Pointing out the others might give you the words to articulate your final decision to quit it, when you will do it... And to convince yourself that's the right thing to do.
Or else, if you can't point out anything serious which is not working in general, maybe you've to work on your temperament and to communicate problems differently.
Asker

9 d
My first reason was he never wants to go out. Even though I said I will pay.
My second one was: He has messaged a girl behind my back whilst we was taking she ignored him and then he still was liking her pictures.
My third one was: when he cancelled plans right at the very last min as he forgot about it.
The it was another one when he forgot about us meeting again and let me down minute too. He promise he will change and I give the benefit of the doubt every time. But don’t think I am anymore I haven’t messaged him as well which I am proud if myself
Show All Show Less
coldmarch

9 d
The only problem of the relation in general that I'm seeing in your list is the first one, that he doesn't want to go out from home. But the others are single episodes happened once, not something that represents a general problem that is continuous in the relationship. So they could be discussed together then finding ways to prevent it to happen again, and to let the relationship stay.
If you leave him just because of 1 mistake without even getting to an agreement and giving a chance to see if things happen again then of course you don't seem serious to him (and to anyone), because these aren't so big motivations to throw away a relationship... These are single episodes that usually couples discuss and manage together, far away from deciding to quit everything.
Think about this because this also means you can't handle any sort of flaw or confrontation and this won't bring you far in a relationship because it's really something mandatory in any existing relationship in the world... You won't find any relationship without "mistakes", 100% impossible.
So yeah, be more substantial when you -actually- want to end a relationship, with concrete motivations that prove the relationship is not working on many sides during the time (or because of cheating, but for now it didn't happen); and when single mistakes arise, think twice about how to handle them together instead of pretending to leave him, because if you pull the rope too much one day he'll get absolutely pissed of this and won't accept you back anymore...
However if he isn't eager to communicate and discuss the problems there is no next step to do. I'm saying all this just in the scenario where you both can handle problems or are motivated to solve them...
Asker

9 d
I 1000% agree with what you said here. But when the behaviour is continues it’s hard what to do. When you like a person as well. We’ve spoken about it and he does not change his ways. & then when we do try to have conversations to fix things he runs away from them and be’s like ‘ oh I will sort it I promise ‘ but never really does. Of course I have some toxic traits to but I continue to work on bettering myself

Answer 2

Asker

Tbh he minimises and ignored my needs whenever I tell him and then when I threaten to break up he acts accordingly. Then a few days he’s back to his normal behaviour. Also when I do try to break up he makes up excuses so first time he goes to me your leaving me because I have no money.
Second time is : he got caronavirus
Third time is : he got fired from his job
So I felt so bad and stayed. The other time when he let me down last minute for plans we had made & then I stayed. Also whenever I try to have a serious convo he goes I’m repeating myself

Answer 3

coldmarch

What are the reasons for you to want to quit this relationship anyway? Don't tell me the temporary ones for each time you decided to leave, but the ones that actually don't work, where your incompatibilities and difficulties show.
I think one is very clear already: you cannot communicate on the same wave.
Pointing out the others might give you the words to articulate your final decision to quit it, when you will do it... And to convince yourself that's the right thing to do.
Or else, if you can't point out anything serious which is not working in general, maybe you've to work on your temperament and to communicate problems differently.

Answer 4

Asker

My first reason was he never wants to go out. Even though I said I will pay.
My second one was: He has messaged a girl behind my back whilst we was taking she ignored him and then he still was liking her pictures.
My third one was: when he cancelled plans right at the very last min as he forgot about it.
The it was another one when he forgot about us meeting again and let me down minute too. He promise he will change and I give the benefit of the doubt every time. But don’t think I am anymore I haven’t messaged him as well which I am proud if myself

Answer 5

coldmarch

The only problem of the relation in general that I'm seeing in your list is the first one, that he doesn't want to go out from home. But the others are single episodes happened once, not something that represents a general problem that is continuous in the relationship. So they could be discussed together then finding ways to prevent it to happen again, and to let the relationship stay.
If you leave him just because of 1 mistake without even getting to an agreement and giving a chance to see if things happen again then of course you don't seem serious to him (and to anyone), because these aren't so big motivations to throw away a relationship... These are single episodes that usually couples discuss and manage together, far away from deciding to quit everything.
Think about this because this also means you can't handle any sort of flaw or confrontation and this won't bring you far in a relationship because it's really something mandatory in any existing relationship in the world... You won't find any relationship without "mistakes", 100% impossible.
So yeah, be more substantial when you -actually- want to end a relationship, with concrete motivations that prove the relationship is not working on many sides during the time (or because of cheating, but for now it didn't happen); and when single mistakes arise, think twice about how to handle them together instead of pretending to leave him, because if you pull the rope too much one day he'll get absolutely pissed of this and won't accept you back anymore...
However if he isn't eager to communicate and discuss the problems there is no next step to do. I'm saying all this just in the scenario where you both can handle problems or are motivated to solve them...

Answer 6

Asker

I 1000% agree with what you said here. But when the behaviour is continues it’s hard what to do. When you like a person as well. We’ve spoken about it and he does not change his ways. & then when we do try to have conversations to fix things he runs away from them and be’s like ‘ oh I will sort it I promise ‘ but never really does. Of course I have some toxic traits to but I continue to work on bettering myself

Answer 7

Lynx122 | 282 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Guru

You just have to enforce your boundaries and stand by your decisions. When someone does certain things then they're just out of my life it doesn't matter what happens later you have to follow through. Otherwise you're just a pushover and that's how people will treat you.

Asker

9 d
Thank you so much 💜
Lynx122

9 d
Hope it helps :)
Asker

9 d
No it definitely does thank you
Show All Show Less
Lynx122

9 d
How I socialize ↗
I was actually writing a mytake about this topic because I've seen a lot of people on here have struggles like you. And your question just made me wanna finish it. :)

Answer 8

Asker

Thank you so much 💜

Answer 9

Lynx122

Hope it helps :)

Answer 10

Asker

No it definitely does thank you

Answer 11

Lynx122

How I socialize ↗
I was actually writing a mytake about this topic because I've seen a lot of people on here have struggles like you. And your question just made me wanna finish it. :)

Answer 12

WesBrewer | 308 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Xper 7

Stop forgiving him, everything he does wrong, only think of that stuff when you are with him, either you will start disliking him or he will get annoyed at you and leave you first.

Answer 13

boggboss | 4.5K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Master

I'm not sure what you are looking for yes u have been stupid learn to stick by what u say

Asker

9 d
I feel so sad feel like curling up in a ball and dying :(
boggboss

9 d
Yet that won't help just learn to stick what u say
Asker

9 d
Yeh I will do I think this time I’m just going to stick to it because if I don’t it will just make me look pure stupid
Show All Show Less
boggboss

9 d
By my the sounds off it he already sees you that way
Asker

9 d
Omg don’t say that my heart hurts
boggboss

9 d
I'm sorry but there is no ivee way to look at it by the sounds off it he can do what he wants and u will run back to him and he knows this
Asker

9 d
Yeah tbh that’s exactly what it is. But this time I promise I ain’t running back to him
Asker

9 d
I’ve forgiven him for a lot of stuff as well because i like him but now I’m just hurting myself first time was he goes to me your leaving me because I have no money.
Second time is : he got caronavirus
Third time is : he got fired from his job
So I felt so bad and stayed. The other time when he let me down last minute for plans we had made & then I stayed.
boggboss

9 d
Wait u wanted to leave him because he had the virus
Asker

9 d
He lied about it. This is when I was leaving him he made up all these excuses each time I tried to leave him
boggboss

9 d
OK he seems like a dick so leave him
Asker

9 d
Yeah he does dosent he. Then he goes to me I might have to put a baby in your so I can keep you forever
boggboss

9 d
Again why are u with him😑
Asker

9 d
I’m not anymore
boggboss

9 d
Please keep it that way fuck me i don't see how u would run back to him
Asker

9 d
No I am keeping it that way now 100%

Answer 14

Asker

I feel so sad feel like curling up in a ball and dying :(

Answer 15

boggboss

Yet that won't help just learn to stick what u say

Answer 16

Asker

Yeh I will do I think this time I’m just going to stick to it because if I don’t it will just make me look pure stupid

Answer 17

boggboss

By my the sounds off it he already sees you that way

Answer 18

Asker

Omg don’t say that my heart hurts

Answer 19

boggboss

I'm sorry but there is no ivee way to look at it by the sounds off it he can do what he wants and u will run back to him and he knows this

Answer 20

Asker

Yeah tbh that’s exactly what it is. But this time I promise I ain’t running back to him

Answer 21

Asker

I’ve forgiven him for a lot of stuff as well because i like him but now I’m just hurting myself first time was he goes to me your leaving me because I have no money.
Second time is : he got caronavirus
Third time is : he got fired from his job
So I felt so bad and stayed. The other time when he let me down last minute for plans we had made & then I stayed.

Answer 22

boggboss

Wait u wanted to leave him because he had the virus

Answer 23

Asker

He lied about it. This is when I was leaving him he made up all these excuses each time I tried to leave him

Answer 24

boggboss

OK he seems like a dick so leave him

Answer 25

Asker

Yeah he does dosent he. Then he goes to me I might have to put a baby in your so I can keep you forever

Answer 26

boggboss

Again why are u with him😑

Answer 27

Asker

I’m not anymore

Answer 28

boggboss

Please keep it that way fuck me i don't see how u would run back to him

Answer 29

Asker

No I am keeping it that way now 100%

Answer 30

Anonymous

Yeah, find yourself a new guy to take your mind off the old one. And work on your self confidence too.

Asker

9 d
I feel so sad feel like curling up in a ball and dying :(
Opinion Owner

9 d
Why do you feel sad?
Asker

9 d
Because I just feel pure stuoid
Show All Show Less
Asker

9 d
* stupid
Opinion Owner

9 d
That's your mistake, you have no reason to feel stupid. Focus on forgiving yourself and move on.
Asker

9 d
That’s so true
Opinion Owner

9 d
Do that, and maybe consider being single for a while.
Asker

9 d
Yeah I definitely will consider being single for a while
Opinion Owner

9 d
Cool. You will get passed this, and hopefully learn from it.
Asker

9 d
Thank you so much x
Opinion Owner

9 d
You're very welcome, I wish you the best.!!
Asker

9 d
Thank you.
I’ve forgiven him for a lot of stuff as well because i like him but now I’m just hurting myself first time was he goes to me your leaving me because I have no money.
Second time is : he got caronavirus
Third time is : he got fired from his job
So I felt so bad and stayed. The other time when he let me down last minute for plans we had made & then I stayed
Opinion Owner

9 d
Your better off without him.
Asker

9 d
Thank you 😊 I will be sticking to my decision this time.
Opinion Owner

9 d
Nice. New Years hug for you.😉
Asker

9 d
Hahaha thank you
Opinion Owner

9 d
Your welcome, hehe.
Asker

9 d
From what I have told you what do you gather?
Asker

9 d
Also he said to me I might have to put a baby in you so I can keep you forever
Opinion Owner

9 d
Oh fuck, that's a GREAT reason to get rid of that guy.
Asker

9 d
Thank you 😊
Opinion Owner

9 d
That you are wasting your time on him.
Asker

9 d
True say. Thank you
Opinion Owner

9 d
Anytime sweetie. :)

Answer 31

Asker

I feel so sad feel like curling up in a ball and dying :(

Answer 32

Opinion Owner

Why do you feel sad?

Answer 33

Asker

Because I just feel pure stuoid

Answer 34

Asker

* stupid

Answer 35

Opinion Owner

That's your mistake, you have no reason to feel stupid. Focus on forgiving yourself and move on.

Answer 36

Asker

That’s so true

Answer 37

Opinion Owner

Do that, and maybe consider being single for a while.

Answer 38

Asker

Yeah I definitely will consider being single for a while

Answer 39

Opinion Owner

Cool. You will get passed this, and hopefully learn from it.

Answer 40

Asker

Thank you so much x

Answer 41

Opinion Owner

You're very welcome, I wish you the best.!!

Answer 42

Asker

Thank you.
I’ve forgiven him for a lot of stuff as well because i like him but now I’m just hurting myself first time was he goes to me your leaving me because I have no money.
Second time is : he got caronavirus
Third time is : he got fired from his job
So I felt so bad and stayed. The other time when he let me down last minute for plans we had made & then I stayed

Answer 43

Opinion Owner

Your better off without him.

Answer 44

Asker

Thank you 😊 I will be sticking to my decision this time.

Answer 45

Opinion Owner

Nice. New Years hug for you.😉

Answer 46

Asker

Hahaha thank you

Answer 47

Opinion Owner

Your welcome, hehe.

Answer 48

Asker

From what I have told you what do you gather?

Answer 49

Asker

Also he said to me I might have to put a baby in you so I can keep you forever

Answer 50

Opinion Owner

Oh fuck, that's a GREAT reason to get rid of that guy.

Answer 51

Asker

Thank you 😊

Answer 52

Opinion Owner

That you are wasting your time on him.

Answer 53

Asker

True say. Thank you

Answer 54

Opinion Owner

Anytime sweetie. :)

Answer 55

Yourman89

Xper 4

Why are you breaking up?

Please can someone give me advice?

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