We live alone, but he goes to the parents house nearly every day. He takes his mother every day from work, they drink caffe, buy groceries. Every day.
I don't understand why he doesn't distance himself from them, but instead goes nearly every at their house
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His father beats his mother, cheats on her, doesn't financially help her etc
So just his father is toxic then? Is he okay with his father's behavior?
His mother is toxic too because she doesn't sound healthy emotionally. He is not ok with it but still is close to them. Last year he didn't talk to his father for 7 months because he was violent with his mother. But later his mother did everything to make them talk again and now everything is like before. And for the cheating part I'm afraid that he will become like his father because his father repeatedly cheats on his mother and they are still together. Moreover, he was violent for jealousy reasons, but he is the one who cheats.
On special occasions are you saying? If it was on special occasions it would be easy. The problem is that he goes nearly every day at their house. And every weekend.
This is what I would do too, that's why I don't understand my fiance. I think he sees his mother as a victim and can't leave her. But also with his father, he justifies him by saying that he has suffered a lot in his wife. Regardless, I would have stayed away if it was my family to keep myself healthy and safe.
@nice-girl. Well, family is family. You can't just separate yourself from them entirely. You CAN keep a healthy distance, though.
Yes, of course I'm not saying to entirely be separated from the family, but keep a healthy distance. But he doesn't know how to do this. He either doesn't talk to his father for months or is close to him. He brother is not so close to the parents.
Oh, okay. I see.I think he will need some guidance on that. It's something he is going to have to learn.
i don't even like my own family hell i can't stand my own family. i don't expect anyone else to like them either
I know and I see that his father affects him, unfortunately. It scares me. And when he says that his father has suffered a lot in his life. But who cares! For him it's like a taboo to think that I want to separate him from his family, like something inhuman. And the fact that he sees them as old now makes it worse.
Yeah thats kind of concerning. I hope he doesn't make the same excuses.
Oh, no! :(
Dw. You will win ✊
It already is. It gives me so much anxiety.
Sadly you know that it will only get worse. If your man already isn’t abusing you, he will in the future. So your anxiety will only increase :(
But the thing is that I can't know this for sure. Just because his father is abusive, I think is not evidence that he will be too. Sometimes two brothers who had the same parents are not the same. But at the same time I get upset when I see how close he is to his parents.
What you do know for sure is that the odds are significantly higher he will repeat what he saw at home growing up and what he continues to see. So my advice is if you two do get serious to be proactive and either seek counseling or arm yourselves early with how to cope and the tools to avoid that situation. For example he needs to learn how to tell when he feels angry and decide how to cope in a healthy way. If you two don’t put in the work now then as I said any anxiety you feel now will no doubt go way up in the future.
by the way it’s not just you. It’s any future kids or other people around you. Again there is a slight chance he breaks the pattern but why go on hope rather than take action now?
I just don't know what to do. I never knew how his family was before living together with him. And I never knew how close he was to them.
I am very surprised how people talk so little about this when getting to know someone. But in fact, I don't believe that the family is always so important. But in his care he is so closely related to them. They live half an hour away and he goes to their house nearly every day. We live together.