I feel embarrassed of rejection from guy, has he ever liked me?

In 2019, I and the guy talked through online. It was intense. We can’t meet because of distance. In the first meeting last year, he asked me to go to his mother’s birthday.
He disappeared after second meeting. I got the answer that he likes me, but busy doing his paper and not ready for relationship. He is serious and not play. He told me that when the time is right and if he ready, he will told me. I thought it was an excuse and stopped texting him.

He texted me 2 months later to say Happy birthday. Surprisingly, he said he want to meet me! He keep saying that. We met in June. He asked me to stay over night. I just thought he come back as he used to said about it.

Our relationship seems improve ever since.
Conversation flew. He keep saying every time he want to meet. However, when I asked if he is free, he keep refusing. Then, he said he want to meet me again! This thing happen 4-5times.

I don’t know what he want. I NEVER ask if he want to meet. He start by himself. I, then, asked, and got the answer that he can’t see me anymore. He is seeing someone now and don’t want to betray her. When I asked about the night that I stayed over at his, he said just leave it in the past. He doesn’t want to talk or hurt any feeling. And when I, who was shocked, asked about why he keep saying he want to meet. He ghosted.

A range of emotion, one of it is embarrassed. I feel bad that I’m the one who thought so far about it. He came back after saying he will be back if he is ready. He said he want to see me. I can’t stop thinking about has he ever liked me? If he doesn’t like me, seems like I annoyed him through this year which I feel embarrassed about it. Some said he might be come back and trying, but changed his mind in last minute. Some said he just want to hook up (I’m not sure that he can be womanizer as he came after I gave 3 times bj😂)

I just want someone to listen. I can’t stop critical about this, also can’t stop feeling embarrassed about it.
I feel embarrassed of rejection from guy, has he ever liked me?
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