I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold or hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth."
~Revelation 3:15-16.
I used to be very religious. A proud member of the Eastern Orthodox Church, my faith was my life and it should be noted that I still hold a great deal of respect for it even if I no longer affirm it. I converted to it when I was only 16 years old; I studied the writings of the great saints and theologians of my sect extensively, and even took St. Augustine of Hippo for my patron.
Abandoning Christianity Does Not Mean I Disbelieve in God
This is the first point I would like to get out of the way, since it seems like most people have trouble understanding this distinction. Make no mistake, I have always been utterly and ontologically disgusted by atheism, that is, the disbelief in God. To me it is indistinguishable from political leftism and counterproductive to social stability, because of its roots in the European Enlightenment. It will always be about rebellion, challenging authority, and progressivism. That and Thomas Aquinas' arguments - which brought Antony Flew to classical theism - for the existence of God pretty much forced me to accept that there is a force more powerful than I am in this world.
So why did I do it?
In short, it is because I no longer agree with the teachings of Christianity or the message that Jesus Christ preached in the gospel. Simply put, I no longer agree with the God whom I know exists.
Christianity is Not the Strong, Traditional Religion I Want
Like I said earlier, I find atheism detestable because of its association with political leftism. I am an extremely conservative person. Not in the stupid American sense of beer, Kate Upton, and trucks, but in the true sense that I value family, God, and tradition. I strongly affirm traditional gender roles, authoritarianism, hierarchical structures, and the preservation of Western civilization. Conservatism to me means being able to live in a world where people still hold themselves accountable to standards like morality and are willing to die for concepts like honor, principle, and pride. I believe that sexual degeneracy and especially homosexuality is cancer that threatens to destroy the very fabric of civilization as we know it, and that progress ought to be abolished at all costs. I consider myself a strong traditionalist and was very influenced by the Neoreaction - particularly the Dark Enlightenment.
My abandonment of Christianity came from the realization that it is not compatible with my extremely traditional and conservative views. That is not to say that Christianity cannot be used to support them, or that it has not been used in such a way historically. But theologically at its core, I do not believe that 'true' Christianity is the strong, traditionalist religion I want.
Only Nominal Christianity is Truly Traditional
That is, Christianity was a strong, traditionalist religion not because of its teachings but in spite of them. That is, the Western Roman Empire saw that in order to be beneficial for society, the true teachings of Christianity had to be hidden and/or outrightly ignored. Many Protestants see this as a bad thing, but as an ex-Orthodox Christian, I see it as a good thing and it is in fact the reason why I have more respect for the Roman Catholic Church than I do my own. We in the Eastern Orthodox Church might have maintained greater theological integrity, but that is precisely why we have become such an emasculated and liberal religion opposed to the strong Medieval Catholic Church.
True Christianity is inherently liberal, progressive, and counterproductive to a strong and stable civilization.
That whole ethos of forgiveness, turning the other cheek, and loving your enemies. It is truly revolutionary and threatens the very fabric of civilization as we know it. And that is precisely why I disagree with it. A strong society cannot arise if it follows those teachings. Indeed, the early Christians were in fact pacifists who refused to fight in wars and voluntarily submitted to martyrdom.
I do not agree with this at all. Nor do I agree that it is fair I could very well share Heaven with someone who got to sleep with a ton of women and engage in all of the fun I wish I had been able to have just because he had a change of heart and repented at the very end.
The Current State of Christianity Depresses Me Even More
Many Christians criticize the Church for abandoning the teachings of the Bible and theological integrity in its recent spiral into liberalism. Yet from where I stand, I see it differently. To me, the spiral into liberalism is actually the result of a fair adherence to the Bible. Turning a blind eye to sin and forgiving others? I am pretty sure Jesus preached that. Marrying a slut? Well, Jesus did forgive that one woman. Allowing the Muslims to rape your women across Europe? There is that thing about turning the other cheek and loving your enemies. It goes even deeper than that though. It comes from conservative culture itself within America. It is seeing that being a conservative merely means being a retarded country bumpkin who owns guns and has a flag behind his truck, or some shameless sorority slut in a "Make America Great Again" trucker's cap. It is seeing that the Church has truly and utterly failed to address this current state of events and give me the sort of world I want.
You can bet your ass I would join the Medieval Catholic Church and be proud of it too. I have no problem when the Church ignores biblical teaching for the sake of creating a strong, traditional society like the Catholics did. They made Europe into the most powerful continent in history. But when the Church both ignores and simultaneously affirms biblical teaching for the sake of being politically correct and progressive? Then I have a problem.
I Just Wish it Would Die Already
Frankly I would be less repulsed by Christianity if it just completely abandoned traditionalism altogether and embraced the secular culture. As it is, I am repulsed because the two exist in a sort of toxic hybridization where men like me are still expected to fulfill our traditional obligations as men to society while no longer being entitled to any of the benefits that men like us used to receive.
The main one that bothers me is marriage. What is the point of getting married anymore if women no longer submit to their husbands the way St. Paul commanded? Why should I be a good man if women are no longer saving their virginity until marriage? Where is my benefit?
Yet instead of actually addressing these things, the Church ignores them and still expects for men like me to fulfill our traditional obligations. In the end it is only perpetuating this weak and emasculated white knight culture that I despise. It means being an insurance policy for feminists everywhere, sacrificing your pride, and having to settle for the leftovers of another man. I refuse to fulfill my traditional obligations without my traditional entitlements. Red Pill and all of that.
Some Final Thoughts
As much as I disagree with Naziism and find it abominable like any decent person, my views on religion and Christianity in particular are similar to that of Adolf Hitler. That is, I am not a foaming-at-the-mouth atheist who wants to militantly abolish it like the liberals. But I recognize that truly, at its core, when you really get into theology, the Christian faith is incompatible with the sort of strong, traditional society that I want to live in. Every such one has existed only in spite of its Christianity and not because of it. I prefer Christianity more when it is nominal, nationalistic, and used to advance civilization. That is, I prefer Christianity when it is not truly Christianity.
If it were not for the extreme sexual permissiveness in regards to multiple wives and concubines for men, and lack of a sacramental understanding of family, I would probably have more respect for the Islamic faith than I do for Christianity. But as it is, the traditional family unit is the most important thing ever to me along with monogamy and the ideal of a soulmate. I can never belong to a religion that would theoretically afford me the permission to be able to take another woman into my bed or reduce my family to anything less than sacramental.
In light of these things, I no longer see any point in calling myself a Christian or fulfilling my obligations as one. There is no longer any incentive nor will it benefit me the way I want. I refuse to become an emasculated white knight and insurance policy of the feminists. Unless Christianity goes back to being the way it was during Medieval Catholic Europe, I do not think I can ever truly return.
Heaven or Hell, it does not matter to me where I will end up when I die. I like to think that God will admire my honesty or provide some sort of consolation for traditionalists like myself who truly tried but were abandoned by the Church and modern liberal society as a whole. As it is, I am content settling down with some sex positive, extremely kinky and attractive wife willing to do anything in the bedroom. Sure, we may not share the same ideals and she will probably not be a virgin, but in the end, as long as she loves me? It is probably the best deal I can expect to get out of this world.
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