The kindergarten teacher suggested I don't advance to the next grade in kindergarten because I was developing slower than the other kids. In school, the kids called me "big retard“ and no one played with me. I would walk by them while they taunted me with big grins and yelled: "big retard!" Whenever the teacher rearranges the seating, when it's my turn to sit down in my new seat, the whole class would erupt in loud taunting and yell: "ooooohh! You have to sit next to the big retard!" to the kid I'm sharing the table with. If a kid from another class who didn't know the situation tried to talk to me, other kids from my class would immediately step in and say with a smile: "don't talk to her! She's the big retard of the class!" If I was ever kind to someone, such as letting them borrow my stuff, the other kids would openly comment in front of me that I'm only being so nice because I have no friends. They always did it with such a happy and gleeful smile. The smile--what other people associated with friendliness I had always associated with meanness.
My extended family were against my grandparents taking me in as a baby because they all wanted my grandparents to take care of their kids instead of me. Even though I don't have my parents to take care of me and their kids do. My parents immigrated to the US when I was a baby and then divorced right after that. It's customary in China to have the grandparents do most of the childcare.
My parents never came back to China to see me except once, for two weeks. My parents gave me some toys when I was five. I never got any more toys before or since then. My grandma never bought me any. Sometimes other people would give me toys or presents, but my grandma never allowed me to play with them. She locked them up right away, and told me she needed to give them to her friends' or relatives' kids as presents. There was never an exception.
My cousins rarely visited. When they did, they often bullied me or gave me very unfriendly attitudes that I couldn't understand the reason of. They often didn't even greet or acknowledge me when they came and didn't talk to me at all. When there was a family gathering, they played with each other and didn't include me. One of my cousins would sometimes forcibly take one of the few toys I had from my parents. When she visits, she would just hold onto one of them and refuse to let go, then the adults just let her take it home with her. Even though I know she had much much more toys and other stuff than me because I've been to her home.
I came to live with my father, stepmom, and half brother in the US when I was 12. My father had an explosive temper and would scream at me, smash my things, and kick me out for very little to no reason. One time, my stepmom was holding the baby while talking on the phone at the same time. The baby slipped from her and fell to the ground. But there was no serious injury, he cried a little and that's all. They didn't go to the hospital or anything. I was in my room the whole time, I didn't even know that it happened. All I knew was that soon after my father came back from work, he stormed into my room and screamed at the tops of his lungs, saying something about if I was there to help my stepmom, the baby wouldn't have fallen. Then he proceeded to swipe everything on my table, bookshelf, and closet onto the floor, and grabbed me by the clothes and violently threw me out of the house. Another time, I needed toothpaste in the morning. I knew they were in my father and stepmom's room. I was afraid to knock too loudly because I was afraid to wake them if they were sleeping. But I was also afraid to not knock and just go in. So I knocked lightly, heard no response, and went in. My father was awake. He leaped out of his bed and rushed at me, screaming at me, he grabbed my by my clothing and violently threw me out. I was always walking on eggshells.
I've always thought about the meaning of life. It tormented me for so long. I would toss and turn at night, not being able to sleep. I asked and asked if there was an escape. Maybe it's a video game one could get out of if one just knew the trick? What are we? What am I? What is this life? Is there a point? The Buddhists say we endless reincarnate unless we reach nirvana, then we escape the wheel of reincarnation and become an enlightened being. The Christians say we go to heaven or hell after death. But I couldn't be satisfied or stop searching unless I knew for certain that I found the truth. I had to know without a doubt. I kept reading, searching the net, thinking, and thinking. I couldn't stop even if I tried.
Then one day, I stumbled across something online. It said God is love, and he is asking everyone to ask his love into their own souls, and with God's love comes peace beyond understanding. All we have to do is to ask for it sincerely and earnestly with our hearts. I was neither skeptical nor inclined to believe it. I didn't really think about it, I just tried it. I tried very hard. Then I felt an overwhelming sensation of peace come into me, one I've never felt before and couldn't explain. I was not without my doubts. But for some reason, I stopped searching. Even though I couldn't say that I had no doubts. But the frantic need to search for the truth wasn't there in me anymore. Nothing else before this satisfied me this way.
I went back to asking for God's love over and over again as much as I could remember to. Over many years, the peace inside me grew and grew, and I became happier and happier. The memories that used to haunt me began to fade, and I would sometimes find myself laughing or smiling about things that would never make me laugh or smile before. I knew it couldn't have been merely the passage of time that changed me. Because it never did before until I started this practice. I became more and more convinced that I did find the truth until one day I don't doubt it at all anymore.
It says many more things about God's love, that it's a real substance, and with its inflowing into one's soul comes peace, joy, purity, and even divinity. It was the reason God created us, so that he could give us his substance and bring forth the divine from the mundane, the immortal out of mortal soil. It's what was meant by the "new birth"--the accumulation of enough divine love into one's soul to transform the soul from the mundane to the divine.
I can't share links because I'm not at level 3. But If you search for "truth for all people" or "new-birth.net", you should find some websites that share this message.
I used to feel that I had been cursed. But I don't anymore. My experiences made me search for and find the most precious, most worthwhile thing of all. The world might have been nice, but I agree with what someone once said: "it's worth losing the world to find God". Because I'd rather have what's real and true over what's not real and not true. It's the difference between a picture of a glass of water, and a real glass of water. Only one quenches the thirst. And until we drink it, we don't even really know how it really feels to have our thirst quenched.
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