Search Results: Nothing that can make me Happy

I'm not saying I had the worst childhood in the world, but it wasn't goo either

I don't know who my biological father is, my first stepdad was a drunk who gave me the wrong perspective of the world mostly about women and black men. I was bullied in elementary school and I still deal with the scars. My mother never really helped with my personal problems as a child, she just got mad when I brought it up. I had no real friends, the friends I had in high school stopped inviting me to come after I left school and had fun without me, so I basically shut them out of my life. I watched my brother and sister get abused by their romantic partner and do drugs as a young child. When I was 13 my mother divorced my then stepdad and he took EVERYTHING, left my mother and I homeless for a bit and we were poor from then on, and my 2nd and current stepdad is on disability and doesn't get much.
I look back at my life now and realized that it was a total waste plagued by mental illness, rejection, ostracism and neglect. I never got to go on family vacations, play with the new video games, watch the cool TV shows, go to parties, go to events or any of that. So far my life has been me just waiting and hoping, 21 years of basically nothing. I remember how embarrassing it was going to school and listening to my peers talk about the cool things they got to do and I could only say "oh that's cool", I still remember the douchey kids laughing at me when I said that I did and had nothing. I know it may seem petty and materialistic but I can't seem to let it down. Mental illness basically swallowed me whole.
I'm planning on seeing a psychiatrist to get help so I can live a happy productive life. Can I have fun as an adult to make up for a depressing childhood?

So we're both 17, very close friend, she is very shy, we go home together almost every day, now she wants me come with her in the mornings too cuz we get in the same bus.

So, when we first met 3 years ago, she used to touch my shoulder every time she told me something, pulled my backpack to let me know she was there. She also fell on me by accident quite a lot. We were awkward at that stage and she once talked about exs to let me know she never dated, then asked if sb in my old class was my girlfriend (she wasn't). She also tried taking a selfie of us just as she said she doesn't have enough storage and hugged me when I was down. She also threw a surprise party on my bday.

One year passed. We could now talk about anything. This time, she was more confident and also shared more info about herself. She stopped bumping into me, pulling my backpack. Now, she was twirling her hair or playing with her straps when she saw me. She also pretended not to see me when walking close to me but slowed down a lot until I reached her to go: "Oh, hi!". She got me an eclair for my bday.

Yet another year went by. She is always very interested in my well being, always over-apologizing. She once did something bad after I helped her and went 2 hours over her bedtime texting to make sure everything was ok. After I said that I was happy to have spent the day with her and that life is about choosing what makes you happy, she texted "If life is about choices", "You chose well 🙃".

She is curious about my past. When she sits next to me, her legs are crossed, one of them towards me, wiggling it. Her head on her arm resting on that leg. When we're together, we're close enough for our hands to touch and she always compliments me saying "You're very smart" or "You're really mature compared to me". Recently, she got all hyped up (blushing, asking if she can tell her family, smiling a lot) when I told her about sb in love thinking it was me to then go nothing u can do when I told her it's a friend.