How to Talk to Your SO About Sex

AustinMan

How to Talk to Your SO About Sex


It never fails to amaze me how often the same kinds of questions come up in the Sexual Behavior topic on GirlsAskGuys.

I commend the site developers for bringing back the myTake feature. It has saved me a LOT of typing. This myTake is about the recurring question: "How do I ask my SO to do X sexually?"

There's a fairly simple formula that seems to work really well, at least based on the feedback I've gotten from literally dozens of members that have tried it.

In this age of texting, something I abhor for intimate communications, people have essentially lost the ability to have a calm, direct, matter of fact conversation, especially when it comes to intimate matters. As much as 93% if personal communication is non verbal so when we text, we use emoticons to try to make up for some of the data loss but it's a very poor substitute for body language and tone of voice. Therefore, I strongly advise against texting in matters of the heart and sexual topics. This becomes progressively more important as emotions become more intense.

Talking to your SO about sex boils down to some basic things: how, when, and where. This Take isn't specific to the exact topic of the conversation but it applies to just about all situations. Whether it's why aren't we having sex as much anymore to why aren't we as close as we used to be to just about anything else, these same techniques apply.

How: When you're in a meeting at work, people engage in calm, direct, matter of fact conversations. There's no drama, no name calling, no raised voices. We have all worked for managers who were masters of calm, direct, matter of fact conversation and they are a joy to work for. No matter what the subject, their calm demeanor keeps us calm. Their direct, matter of fact delivery makes hearing them easier, even in the worst of situations. This same technique will give you a huge leg up when talking to your SO about sensitive topics like sex.

When: Some time when there isn't time pressure to finish your conversation right away. Adequate time is a prerequisite for a successful conversation.

Where: My advice is take your SO our for an intimate drink. After all, this is an intimate topic.

Settle in and turn the mood positive. Tell them how much you appreciate/love/etc them. Use your own words but that's the message. A little known or at least oft overlooked fact first came to my attention when I read John Gray's book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. in that book, he stated a fact that cannot be over emphasized to the ladies: the most important thing in the world to a man is to be appreciated. Appreciation is like a drug to men. We just eat it up. You almost can't over do it. Most of us remember those girls in high school that the boys just doted on and couldn't do enough for. They weren't the prettiest, the sexiest, or the easiest. They were the girls that knew to appreciate it when a boy did something for them. Guys who are appreciated cannot wait for the chance to do something else so they can get another dose of that drug. Ladies! Pay attention. This is a critical thing to know about your man.

Tell them you enjoy sex with them or some other positive about sex with them. Ask them how they feel about your sex life together. Then shut up and listen, carefully. It's even more important to listen to what they don't say. Guys! Where appreciation is the most important thing to a man, being heard is the most important thing to a woman. So listen. Lean forward a bit and let them know that you're hearing them and care about what they have to say. An expectant smile is the best expression. Don't worry about figuring out what you're going to say. That will take care of itself.

Most importantly, do not interrupt. When your SO is done, ask them if there's anything else. Maintain your attentive demeanor. Oftentimes, the best stuff comes out during a follow on answer. If they give you an opening to discuss what you wanted to talk about during their answer, use it when they're done. If not, tell them something in particular that you like about what they do. Then tell them what you need. This is where it's paramount that you be your calmest, your most diplomatic but direct, and the most matter of fact. Usually, the less emotion that is in your voice, the better it will be received. If the tone is accusatory, whining, and otherwise emotional, everyone's natural reaction is to raise the usual barriers and retreat behind them. You've gone to all the trouble to set the stage in a way that will enhance the communication. Don't mess it up now by whining. Then again, listen to what they have to say. Don't fall into the trap of thinking about what you're going to say next. That will take care of itself. Don't let them dodge the issue or change the subject. Bring them gently but firmly back to the subject. That's the beauty of calm, direct, matter of fact conversation. It gives you the advantage.

I understand these conversations are scary because we don't know what they're going to say but until we get them on the table, they can't get resolved. Be brave and ask for what you want.

How to Talk to Your SO About Sex
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Browneye57
    Pretty good. Especially about being appreciated. No quicker way to turn a guy off than to not appreciate him. Girls too, but this is super important for the guys.
    And respect. If you don't respect him he'll never bend over backwards for you, will not work as hard to please you.

    The sex conversation needs to be outside the bedroom. Not while you're trying to do it. You can show in bed, as in, do this, or touch here, faster slower, harder, softer, etc. If you don't know what you like then you need to work on that on your own - learn what it takes to get yourself off. If you don't know that how can you expect someone else to know?

    And never underestimate just telling them to fuck your brains out. Guys understand that, and from what I gather the majority are afraid to offend or hurt. So they're limp-dicks when it comes to pounding you.

    I also understand the majority of the girls don't really know what they're doing in the bedroom, so perhaps a porn vid or two would help with technique. Perhaps they're just afraid that what one guy might like another doesn't, so they're lost. Nope, if one likes the way you do it likely the next one will too. Experienced girls can be a lot of fun - they jump right in there and know what to do. Experience starts when you begin. :)
    Is this still revelant?
    • Browneye57

      Wow. From a year ago. You kids dig up some old shit. LOL
      But thanks for reading!

    • AustinMan

      I wrote it and I feel like it still applies. Do you disagree?

    • Browneye57

      Nope. Spot-on.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • redeyemindtricks
    Yeeeeahhhh uh, I think you mean well here, but, "take her out for an intimate drink"? Oh hell no.

    I mean, look. I'm a freelancer. My livelihood depends upon manipulating negotiations for maximum benefit. If I want to set up a negotiation so that I can, bluntly speaking, rob the other person blind? (While still doing awesome work, LOL) THAT's when I would suggest "an intimate drink".

    Ever so subtly out of the other person's element. SEEMINGLY intimate, but, actually, just that bit off-putting.

    Putting the other person on their heels, all the while (s) he thinks (s) he's on his/her toes.

    Yep.

    That. That kind of strategic negotiation. Manipulation, or womanipulation, from A to Z, that's what you do in a contrived environment like "over drinks".

    I mean, your set-up sounds EXACTLY like the kind of setting in which time-share sharks pitch people the scam of their lives. Wonder why that is? Lmao

    If you want to have an intimate discussion THAT'S ACTUALLY INTIMATE... you do it spontaneously, extemporaneously, at some random fuckin' time when you've already taken yr makeup off and yr breath kinda stinks, to boot. You do it in the "netflix and chill" type situation. That, sir, is how you have a truly intimate discussion.
    Is this still revelant?
    • AustinMan

      To each his or her own. I have had great results for both parties using the described process but you should use whatever works best for you.

    • U R cold blooded with the freelancer thing. But I bet U do make lots of sales lol And I agree with U.

    • @SovereignessofVamps Haha well... most of my work relies on building actual relationships with clients who are real people. For that, I do business just like my father always has -- square dealing all the way, treat people well (and fairly) and I get the same in return.
      On the other hand... yeahh negotiating with people who represent corporations/products, that's fun to approach as a game.

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • GirlScoutsRevenge
    I have always disliked the way you suggest an intimate drink as a setting for such a conversation. For one, out in public is the last place I feel comfortable talking about extremely personal issues about my sex life and if your partner finds it difficult to open up, as it seems many partners do, taking them into such an environment would, to me, make me feel as if I had been forced into a corner where I can't just walk away if I don't want to talk. I don't find that idea conducive to an open an relaxed conversation. Also, alcohol is rarely a good idea when trying to work out emotional problems.

    I agree with the calm demeanour though, although I have from experience been told that this can come across as apathetic so care needs to be taken not to sound too clinical.
    • I showed the "intimate drink" suggestion to my wife a few months ago, well before this myTake. I gave it to her to consider and I was noncommittal about it.

      Her reactions:

      "Intimate drink, huh?"
      "Why are you trying to ply me with alcohol?"
      "That puts my guard up."
      "What are you trying to get away with?"
      "What are you trying to make me do?"

      I totally agree with her point of view.

      I'm happy to see that you have spoken up as you seem to feel much the same way.

      It is a shame for the take owner to leave such a dangerous land mine in amongst otherwise good advice.

    • @gray_sailor I'm all for encouraging calm and relaxed and open conversations which will only help a relationship, and I agree with the take but yes, I agree with your wife. My guard would be up and that's not because I don't trust my partner but because I trust my partner enough not to speak to me about very important issues while I'm under the influence of alcohol. @AustinMan it's a good take I just have an issue with the alcohol bit.

    • AustinMan

      The very idea that you would walk away is the whole reason for constraining the circumstances. I recommend this because it's worked very well for me and I've gotten almost exclusively positive feedback to the idea.

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  • jillipie7
    I guess I thought I was approaching a conversation like this in that sort of way, however the results weren't as I'd hoped. Sometimes my problem, is that I feel he would be turned on by more than what we already do, and i really want to try new things myself... but when I try to get him to reveal what he wants, he gets shy. Also, I don't know exactly what I want - I'm also kind of looking for ideas from him, so it makes it kind of difficult to be direct.
  • gray_sailor
    I'm fine right up to suggestion that the couple in question begin their discussion with an "intimate drink".

    The implication of the recomendation is that persons under 21 and alcoholics and teetotallers don't need to discuss sex.
  • VIVANT
    I can’t imagine anyone not appreciating being appreciated AND heard AND respected. All
    incredibly important to me anyhow.

    Why not just be mindful to do all thoroughly in an important discussion... no one will be exactly the same as we can’t change a disposition just based on chromosomes.

    Good overall approach though.
  • xDocilexFaeriex
    Can this truly work well if you're on a date? I'm talking about someone you barely know. What if their only intentions are sex? How do I ask him what his kinks are IF we haven't established trust, a safe feeling with him or boundaries? I'm afraid to jump right into this topic.
    • AustinMan

      It can work anywhere. The point is that if you have a calm, direct, matter of fact conversation where you explore and negotiate, things go well.

    • Ok. I haven't met anyone yet... but I will let you know what happens!!

  • V4lkyrie2
    First let me say awesome job using "abhor"! It's fabulous to see someone hasn't forgotten that English is actually a language and grammar is your friend.

    I couldn't agree with you more. Text or email is not the way to go about having an intimate discussion (or any serious discussion) with partner. With respect to the "intimate drink", there are lots of ways and places to create an intimate atmosphere. I didn't assume the drink was alcoholic in nature, but felt the need to comment on it because some people did. A little effort to create the intimate atmosphere will go along way to improving the discussion and sex in general. It shows you care and can make anything from a glass of water to a staggeringly expensive bottle of wine an intimate drink. It's in your attitude, not what you set in front of your SO
  • Jean-Marie_Céline
    Good myTake, I really enjoyed reading it.
    Sadly you can't have this kind of talk with all people, as they just won't understand. With those people it's best to stop trying.
  • UnknownXYZ
    Unfortunately, myTakes doesn't act as a deterrent for people asking the same questions. I think what GAG had that they got rid of was questions that were similar to the question you are about to ask.
  • KHaskins
    Strongly agree on your point about texting. I prefer to avoid it whenever possible for that exact reason. Good take.
  • AlwaysAround
    I certainly appreciate your insights and efforts to record them. I will see how it works.
  • Excellent! Excellent! Excellent!

    Did I mention that this was excellent?
    • AustinMan

      Thanks very much. As a guy who's older than you, I'm grateful for your support.

  • kerouac5
    I agree with your take and you had some really great points. I found it very helpful.
    • AustinMan

      Thank you for your kind words. It's always so nice to hear from users and esp when the Take has been helpful.

    • AustinMan

      Did you per chance ask the question about scaring off a new suitor?

    • kerouac5

      Yes I did

  • YourFutureEx
    I agree.
  • HookingSwan
    Another great MyTake. I'm impressed :)
    • AustinMan

      Thank you. It's the one I reference the most. It's amazing how questions have recurring answers so when they finally got this feature up and running, I took advantage.

  • Creole_Flavor
    Great take awesome points as always :)
  • kkdas
    Let's do something's hot
  • Anonymous
    Yeah but how do you talk about something if it's kinky or afraid you'll be judged by your SO for because it's not stereotypical as far as what a guy wants sexually?
    • AustinMan

      I guess it depends on how important it is to you. My kinks are really very important to me and if I can't play them out, I forego sex altogether. If you feel that way, then you need to lay your cards on the table in a calm, direct, matter of fact way and if your partner can't live with them, then either change their mind or move on or give up sex.

    • Anonymous

      yeah sometimes you think you know someone and love them and then who knows if they find your kinks funny. I think what if she sees me less of a man because of her pre conceived notions or tells her gfs, say if a break up happens? My kinks are actually not extreme or like "gross" where some guys seem to like getting stuff like that. It's not even bdsm related which some can see as extreme or kinky depending on the extent. I just like when a woman is dominant and it's cool if it's somewhere even, doesn't have to be perfectly but not lopsided. I find aggressiveness hot, as I find challenges fun. I like to be dominant, but I'm a person that gets bored easily even if I like being in control. For example, let's use ping pong as an analogy.

    • Anonymous

      I'm actually not good at ping pong. But just say I play someone at ping pong, and while I love winning. Say the person I play, I beat them basically 21-0 all the time or 21-3. just dominate and crush them all the time. As much as I like winning, I would get bored fast, no challenge. As much as I don't like losing, I like playing someone that not only is a challenge, but can beat me back. So yes I'm stronger, so yes I'm technically allowing a chick to take control. but i'm talking about the feisty, sexual aggressiveness where she's just as into as being in control or pinning me and fucking my brains out as I am to her. Like I'm bored if the woman is mostly submissive or wants or has my ravage her all or most of the time. It would be just like the ping pong analogy to me. Status quo is boring. I'm used to being dominant as a man in society and all ways of like and control, it just gets boring to do that all the time. It's easy to find interest and seeing a sexually aggressive woman as a fun novelty and away from the same old, same old. But guys have different ways of women being in control or dominant and a lot of that is not appealing to me or I don't see as even dominant. I have a specific liking or would be fun, that I guess would be unique possibly to a girl.

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  • Anonymous
    Is that a celebrity couple in the photo there?
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