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How to Talk to Your SO About Sex

How to Talk to Your SO About Sex


It never fails to amaze me how often the same kinds of questions come up in the Sexual Behavior topic on GirlsAskGuys.

I commend the site developers for bringing back the myTake feature. It has saved me a LOT of typing. This myTake is about the recurring question: "How do I ask my SO to do X sexually?"

There's a fairly simple formula that seems to work really well, at least based on the feedback I've gotten from literally dozens of members that have tried it.

In this age of texting, something I abhor for intimate communications, people have essentially lost the ability to have a calm, direct, matter of fact conversation, especially when it comes to intimate matters. As much as 93% if personal communication is non verbal so when we text, we use emoticons to try to make up for some of the data loss but it's a very poor substitute for body language and tone of voice. Therefore, I strongly advise against texting in matters of the heart and sexual topics. This becomes progressively more important as emotions become more intense.

Talking to your SO about sex boils down to some basic things: how, when, and where. This Take isn't specific to the exact topic of the conversation but it applies to just about all situations. Whether it's why aren't we having sex as much anymore to why aren't we as close as we used to be to just about anything else, these same techniques apply.

How: When you're in a meeting at work, people engage in calm, direct, matter of fact conversations. There's no drama, no name calling, no raised voices. We have all worked for managers who were masters of calm, direct, matter of fact conversation and they are a joy to work for. No matter what the subject, their calm demeanor keeps us calm. Their direct, matter of fact delivery makes hearing them easier, even in the worst of situations. This same technique will give you a huge leg up when talking to your SO about sensitive topics like sex.

When: Some time when there isn't time pressure to finish your conversation right away. Adequate time is a prerequisite for a successful conversation.

Where: My advice is take your SO our for an intimate drink. After all, this is an intimate topic.

Settle in and turn the mood positive. Tell them how much you appreciate/love/etc them. Use your own words but that's the message. A little known or at least oft overlooked fact first came to my attention when I read John Gray's book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. in that book, he stated a fact that cannot be over emphasized to the ladies: the most important thing in the world to a man is to be appreciated. Appreciation is like a drug to men. We just eat it up. You almost can't over do it. Most of us remember those girls in high school that the boys just doted on and couldn't do enough for. They weren't the prettiest, the sexiest, or the easiest. They were the girls that knew to appreciate it when a boy did something for them. Guys who are appreciated cannot wait for the chance to do something else so they can get another dose of that drug. Ladies! Pay attention. This is a critical thing to know about your man.

Tell them you enjoy sex with them or some other positive about sex with them. Ask them how they feel about your sex life together. Then shut up and listen, carefully. It's even more important to listen to what they don't say. Guys! Where appreciation is the most important thing to a man, being heard is the most important thing to a woman. So listen. Lean forward a bit and let them know that you're hearing them and care about what they have to say. An expectant smile is the best expression. Don't worry about figuring out what you're going to say. That will take care of itself.

Most importantly, do not interrupt. When your SO is done, ask them if there's anything else. Maintain your attentive demeanor. Oftentimes, the best stuff comes out during a follow on answer. If they give you an opening to discuss what you wanted to talk about during their answer, use it when they're done. If not, tell them something in particular that you like about what they do. Then tell them what you need. This is where it's paramount that you be your calmest, your most diplomatic but direct, and the most matter of fact. Usually, the less emotion that is in your voice, the better it will be received. If the tone is accusatory, whining, and otherwise emotional, everyone's natural reaction is to raise the usual barriers and retreat behind them. You've gone to all the trouble to set the stage in a way that will enhance the communication. Don't mess it up now by whining. Then again, listen to what they have to say. Don't fall into the trap of thinking about what you're going to say next. That will take care of itself. Don't let them dodge the issue or change the subject. Bring them gently but firmly back to the subject. That's the beauty of calm, direct, matter of fact conversation. It gives you the advantage.

I understand these conversations are scary because we don't know what they're going to say but until we get them on the table, they can't get resolved. Be brave and ask for what you want.

How to Talk to Your SO About Sex
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Browneye57

    Pretty good. Especially about being appreciated. No quicker way to turn a guy off than to not appreciate him. Girls too, but this is super important for the guys.
    And respect. If you don't respect him he'll never bend over backwards for you, will not work as hard to please you.

    The sex conversation needs to be outside the bedroom. Not while you're trying to do it. You can show in bed, as in, do this, or touch here, faster slower, harder, softer, etc. If you don't know what you like then you need to work on that on your own - learn what it takes to get yourself off. If you don't know that how can you expect someone else to know?

    And never underestimate just telling them to fuck your brains out. Guys understand that, and from what I gather the majority are afraid to offend or hurt. So they're limp-dicks when it comes to pounding you.

    I also understand the majority of the girls don't really know what they're doing in the bedroom, so perhaps a porn vid or two would help with technique. Perhaps they're just afraid that what one guy might like another doesn't, so they're lost. Nope, if one likes the way you do it likely the next one will too. Experienced girls can be a lot of fun - they jump right in there and know what to do. Experience starts when you begin. :)

Most Helpful Girl

  • redeyemindtricks

    Yeeeeahhhh uh, I think you mean well here, but, "take her out for an intimate drink"? Oh hell no.

    I mean, look. I'm a freelancer. My livelihood depends upon manipulating negotiations for maximum benefit. If I want to set up a negotiation so that I can, bluntly speaking, rob the other person blind? (While still doing awesome work, LOL) THAT's when I would suggest "an intimate drink".

    Ever so subtly out of the other person's element. SEEMINGLY intimate, but, actually, just that bit off-putting.

    Putting the other person on their heels, all the while (s) he thinks (s) he's on his/her toes.

    Yep.

    That. That kind of strategic negotiation. Manipulation, or womanipulation, from A to Z, that's what you do in a contrived environment like "over drinks".

    I mean, your set-up sounds EXACTLY like the kind of setting in which time-share sharks pitch people the scam of their lives. Wonder why that is? Lmao

    If you want to have an intimate discussion THAT'S ACTUALLY INTIMATE... you do it spontaneously, extemporaneously, at some random fuckin' time when you've already taken yr makeup off and yr breath kinda stinks, to boot. You do it in the "netflix and chill" type situation. That, sir, is how you have a truly intimate discussion.

    • AustinMan

      To each his or her own. I have had great results for both parties using the described process but you should use whatever works best for you.

    • U R cold blooded with the freelancer thing. But I bet U do make lots of sales lol And I agree with U.

    • @SovereignessofVamps Haha well... most of my work relies on building actual relationships with clients who are real people. For that, I do business just like my father always has -- square dealing all the way, treat people well (and fairly) and I get the same in return.
      On the other hand... yeahh negotiating with people who represent corporations/products, that's fun to approach as a game.

    • Show All

What Girls & Guys Said

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  • GirlScoutsRevenge

    I have always disliked the way you suggest an intimate drink as a setting for such a conversation. For one, out in public is the last place I feel comfortable talking about extremely personal issues about my sex life and if your partner finds it difficult to open up, as it seems many partners do, taking them into such an environment would, to me, make me feel as if I had been forced into a corner where I can't just walk away if I don't want to talk. I don't find that idea conducive to an open an relaxed conversation. Also, alcohol is rarely a good idea when trying to work out emotional problems.

    I agree with the calm demeanour though, although I have from experience been told that this can come across as apathetic so care needs to be taken not to sound too clinical.

    • I showed the "intimate drink" suggestion to my wife a few months ago, well before this myTake. I gave it to her to consider and I was noncommittal about it.

      Her reactions:

      "Intimate drink, huh?"
      "Why are you trying to ply me with alcohol?"
      "That puts my guard up."
      "What are you trying to get away with?"
      "What are you trying to make me do?"

      I totally agree with her point of view.

      I'm happy to see that you have spoken up as you seem to feel much the same way.

      It is a shame for the take owner to leave such a dangerous land mine in amongst otherwise good advice.

    • @gray_sailor I'm all for encouraging calm and relaxed and open conversations which will only help a relationship, and I agree with the take but yes, I agree with your wife. My guard would be up and that's not because I don't trust my partner but because I trust my partner enough not to speak to me about very important issues while I'm under the influence of alcohol. @AustinMan it's a good take I just have an issue with the alcohol bit.

    • AustinMan

      The very idea that you would walk away is the whole reason for constraining the circumstances. I recommend this because it's worked very well for me and I've gotten almost exclusively positive feedback to the idea.

    • Show All
  • gray_sailor

    I'm fine right up to suggestion that the couple in question begin their discussion with an "intimate drink".

    The implication of the recomendation is that persons under 21 and alcoholics and teetotallers don't need to discuss sex.

  • VIVANT

    I can’t imagine anyone not appreciating being appreciated AND heard AND respected. All
    incredibly important to me anyhow.

    Why not just be mindful to do all thoroughly in an important discussion... no one will be exactly the same as we can’t change a disposition just based on chromosomes.

    Good overall approach though.

  • jillipie7

    I guess I thought I was approaching a conversation like this in that sort of way, however the results weren't as I'd hoped. Sometimes my problem, is that I feel he would be turned on by more than what we already do, and i really want to try new things myself... but when I try to get him to reveal what he wants, he gets shy. Also, I don't know exactly what I want - I'm also kind of looking for ideas from him, so it makes it kind of difficult to be direct.

  • xDocilexFaeriex

    Can this truly work well if you're on a date? I'm talking about someone you barely know. What if their only intentions are sex? How do I ask him what his kinks are IF we haven't established trust, a safe feeling with him or boundaries? I'm afraid to jump right into this topic.

    • AustinMan

      It can work anywhere. The point is that if you have a calm, direct, matter of fact conversation where you explore and negotiate, things go well.

    • Ok. I haven't met anyone yet... but I will let you know what happens!!

  • V4lkyrie2

    First let me say awesome job using "abhor"! It's fabulous to see someone hasn't forgotten that English is actually a language and grammar is your friend.

    I couldn't agree with you more. Text or email is not the way to go about having an intimate discussion (or any serious discussion) with partner. With respect to the "intimate drink", there are lots of ways and places to create an intimate atmosphere. I didn't assume the drink was alcoholic in nature, but felt the need to comment on it because some people did. A little effort to create the intimate atmosphere will go along way to improving the discussion and sex in general. It shows you care and can make anything from a glass of water to a staggeringly expensive bottle of wine an intimate drink. It's in your attitude, not what you set in front of your SO

  • Good myTake, I really enjoyed reading it.
    Sadly you can't have this kind of talk with all people, as they just won't understand. With those people it's best to stop trying.

  • UnknownXYZ

    Unfortunately, myTakes doesn't act as a deterrent for people asking the same questions. I think what GAG had that they got rid of was questions that were similar to the question you are about to ask.

  • OlderAndWiser

    Excellent! Excellent! Excellent!

    Did I mention that this was excellent?

    • AustinMan

      Thanks very much. As a guy who's older than you, I'm grateful for your support.

  • KHaskins

    Strongly agree on your point about texting. I prefer to avoid it whenever possible for that exact reason. Good take.

  • AlwaysAround

    I certainly appreciate your insights and efforts to record them. I will see how it works.

  • kerouac5

    I agree with your take and you had some really great points. I found it very helpful.

    • AustinMan

      Thank you for your kind words. It's always so nice to hear from users and esp when the Take has been helpful.

    • AustinMan

      Did you per chance ask the question about scaring off a new suitor?

    • kerouac5

      Yes I did

  • YourFutureEx

    I agree.

  • HookingSwan

    Another great MyTake. I'm impressed :)

    • AustinMan

      Thank you. It's the one I reference the most. It's amazing how questions have recurring answers so when they finally got this feature up and running, I took advantage.

  • Creole_Flavor

    Great take awesome points as always :)

  • kkdas

    Let's do something's hot

  • Anonymous

    Is that a celebrity couple in the photo there?

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