Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
Kat Smith is a Doctor of Human Sexuality (Sexologist) and, as she calls herself, an Intimologist. We had the honor of asking Dr. Kat Smith some questions about her professional career, as well as questions that some of the GirlsAskGuys users have asked the community.
Here's the full interview:
1. Why do you call yourself an “Intimologist”?
Kat: I like to call myself America’s Intimacy Expert because I focus on intimacy. My degree is in Human Sexuality, but love is more than having sex or knowing how to please your lover and yourself. As an Intimologist, I help people develop a whole and complete relationship, by developing an intimate relationship with not only their partners, but themselves as well. Most often, the real challenge one faces is due to a lack of intimacy experienced in their life or the inability to express themselves in an intimate nature.
2. What is the difference between sex and intimacy?
Kat: What I’ve discovered is if you ask the average man to define intimacy, he says its sex. Women feel that intimacy is the closeness developed in a relationship. They are both partially correct. I like to define intimacy as a love cocktail - tasty and intoxicating. Made up of all these wonderful ingredients; trust, affection, respect, care, support, nurturing and more, that love is built upon. Intimacy is to love what a foundation is to a home.
Sex, on the other hand, as wonderful as it can be, is a physical expression of the love or desire we feel for another. It lasts approximately 7 minutes. Fore play may extend the love play, but sex is a short lived experience.
3. How do you help couples improve their relationship?
Kat: After first assessing the challenges they are coming to me to address, we figure out what maybe missing. I always start off with looking at their schedules to see how much time they devote to each other and then offer suggestions like, date night is mandatory and no run by kissing. My goal is to help them reconnect and rejuvenate the love and passion they shared early on in their relationship.
It’s not always easy, but once we uncover what is important to both and understand how each expresses and receives love, then the fun can begin. Love is fun and easy. It’s the relating that takes work.
The first duty of love is to listen. Paul Tillich
— Dr. Kat Smith (@doctorkatsmith) July 6, 20154. What are according to you the 10 commandments of intimacy and what happens when we don’t comply with them?
Kat: The 10 Commandments of Intimacy are the main ingredients that are sure to strengthen a relationship. These are the solid ingredients that when mixed with the liquids and the adhesives, harden into a solid that can withstand the test of time.
As you can see in this graphic, the base ingredient is love, then you add in devotion. We tend to invest more time on the internet than on our relationships. With a little care, trust and support we can deal with the little things that nag us about someone.
Understanding attention is not always affection is a huge plus in relationships because it requires a level of communication, nurturing and romance to keep the happiness flowing. Once all that is jelled together add in the sex and the fireworks fly.
Look at it this way; sex without intimacy can leave a bad taste in your mouth (No pun intended). But intimate sex is like a spiritual experience. Which is why many of us call out to God at the height of pleasure. I call those the spiritual orgasms.
If you fail to uphold of the commandments, Hell and Damnation… okay, no. But, it will cause an imbalance in your love life. Remember all the ingredients work together to form the foundation. Leave off one ingredient and it weakens the whole.
5. What are some common mistakes people tend to make in the sexual aspect of their relationship?
Kat: I feel that they put too much emphasis on sex. Yes, we all desire it and enjoy it, but it is not the core. Love is the core and when you start there, the intimacy enhances and enriches the sexual experience.
Secondly, there are still those who feel it is someone else’s job to please them. I say learn to please yourself (guys are good at this) and then you can help your partner touch, kiss and stroke you the way you like. Lastly, don’t fear expressing what you want or don’t want in bed. From the pace, tone or number of partners, let them know what you are open to and more importantly, not open to experiencing in your love play.
6. What is a good way to improve sex stamina?
Kat: Get sleep. Take care of yourself and increase the amount of intimacy shared. The touching, kissing, hugging, caressing all releases hormones and get you in the mood more often. But its important to not do any of these ONLY when you want sex.This makes most women feel that you only give her that closeness when you want sex.
Snuggle, caress and kiss often. By staying in touch this way she won’t feel like she’s something you use for sex. Loving affection will actually make her feel desired and sexy. It’ll turn her on instead of piss her off.
7. What do you think of masturbation while in a relationship?
Kat: I encourage self exploration and cultivation. There are still women who refuse to touch themselves or use a sex toy. For whatever reasons, they are not comfortable. However, if your destination is to experience pleasure, you have to know how to drive to the destination. Your body is the map, your hands or toys are the vehicle to help you learn the road like the back of your hand. Your lover may not know where your pleasure lives. You know the direction, and whether you want to get there in a cruiser or a muscle car. Once you know the route, you can take your partner along for the fun and enjoyable ride. Taking the trip together is fun, exciting and pleasing to all.
8. Can threesomes ruin a relationship?
Kat: This is a common question and the answer is yes and no. I help many couples transition into polyamorous relationships. You have to look at it from all aspects and be open and honest about why you want to experience a third party. As long as it is agreed upon by all involved it could be a fun experience as a one time shot, but a a lifestyle change, there should be some ground rules and boundaries established first. By doing so, you can eliminate infidelity, resentment and trust issues.
9. What is the difference between sexuality and sensuality?
Kat: One way to put it is, sexuality is a life giving behavior or how someone choses to identify themselves. Sensuality is a human characteristic played out by our senses. They support our physical abilities sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch and our 6th sense being spirituality. Sensual sex is something I share in my work with couples. It enriches the overall love experience.
10. What is tantric sex and what do you think of it?
Kat: Tantra is a religion; an Asian tradition of beliefs and practices of the ability to channel Divine energy. Tantric sex focuses on using these methods to channel sexual energy in an attempt to experience a higher more spiritual form of orgasm. I believe tantra is a powerful practice. I suggest it to anyone seeking a deeper sexual experience or one who maybe challenged physically or medically with intercourse. To transcend the patterns of mental/emotional control and physical stimulation to climax can and have the ability to bring the physical body to greater pleasure.
Learn more about Dr. Kat Smith's knowledge and advice on her website and on twitter.
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