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A brief overview: Submissive men

A brief overview submissive men.

My wife and I were discussing this the other day and I thought it would be a good "My Take" so sorry if it's a little rambly but I think it's an important topic. My wife asked this question "why are so many guys afraid of angry women?" and after some thought I replied, "because most of the authority figures in their childhood were women, and it's a deep seated behavior formed in their early years"

Think about it, as a young child most of his teachers, his mother, and most other people in his life were female. Dad was in many cases missing or a vague figure who he saw briefly when dad got home from work. Day to day his authority figures were women. Then when he got older somehow he was expected to "take control" and some young men just don't know how. Yet most women want their husbands, boyfriends, etc. to be dominant. Even in the BDSM scene dominate women are a minority (about 1 in 8 from my research).

So what ends up happening is they hire a professional,which creates this interesting dynamic. He's paying her to force him into pleasing her, when her desire is being paid...

Yet it's not an uncommon fantasy. When I first heard that femdom (women dominating men) was primarily a male fantasy I was confused, what do you mean women aren't interested in a man doing her every desire? some reasons women might want a submissive man But most women aren't used to that role, and many don't even know where to start. Or as a prostitute once lemented to me "I wish I knew how to dominate men, i'd make a lot more money." Even one of the women I used to tie people up with said to me "No I prefer the guy in charge" yet I have hours of video of us tying people up and.... well....

So where does that leave a guy who just wants the simplicity of doing what he is told? A confused girlfriend, and a level of frustration. So what can be done? Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas? For the record, I switch, which in the BDSM scene means I am both a dominate and submissive man. And yes I am talking a bit about myself, but even more so, about the subject in general. Thoughts?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think there is some validity to the roles females play in our lives. My parents divorced at a very early time in my life (4) if memory serves me. At this age I was only old enough to feel sad about it, but not old enough to really understand they why behind it. At any rate I lived with my Mother at that time, and while not a domineering figure, she was a dominant figure in the sense that she was my primary parent, and as she struggled to complete her parental roles (which I have a much greater appreciation for now) I have reflected on this relationship a great deal and realized that I spent a great deal of my time as a child trying to find ways to please my Mother, trying to lend stability, understanding and meaning to her. Now as an adult, while I have few regrets in my life, I find that I am still fulfilling the role of stabilizer and peacemaker in my own relationships. So does this make me submissive? I suppose I have some submissive tendencies, however I would describe myself as more passive than submissive. My wife is more impulsive while I am more introspective about many things, my point is I still spend a great deal of my time and energy in trying to please my wife and keep her happy as this symbolizes stability which in turn equates to happiness. I note this because there are many times I will sacrifice myself to keep things peaceful, all the while I'm fairly dying inside because I often feel my thoughts, feelings and fears are not valid. I love my wife dearly and have no desire to leave her, but I fear she will grow bored with me and toss me aside like rubbish, because I'm not the stereotypical "male"

    • I'm certain she deeply appreciates you as you are, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. Women are not all looking for some cheap empty stereotype of what a man should be according to society, she wants you the unique caring awesome person she married! Not Mr-super-masculine-manly-man™ guys like you are what women go sorting through all the fakes and the try-hards to find! I would suggest telling her these worries though so she can personally reassure you and know how you feel!

Most Helpful Girl

  • That's a really interesting way of looking at it! Great Take! I think men are told by other men that there is only one RIGHT way to be a man, and are often shamed by other men and sometimes even women if they don't hold up this hyper-masculine "alpha male" facade at all times. To the point where society bans men from having normal HUMAN emotions. I also think it's common for men who are in positions of authority or or power at work to get tried of telling people what to do all day, and want just come home and in the bedroom not have to be in charge any more, it's probably a bit of a relief so they are drawn to it.
    Personally I am pretty dominant, not that I want to control or dominate anyone all the time, but in the bedroom it's just how I express my sexuality as "bad" and against "traditional roles" as people may find it, that's just what comes naturally to me. I think a man who doesn't have to desperately prove his masculinity at every waking moment doesn't seem like such a try-hard, and it comes off as more confident and genuine... and desirable if a guy can just relax and give up a little control for once. I know I'll get hate from this because most GAG users have a hard on for traditional gender roles and values blah blah blah... but why let societies hang ups effect your fun and freedom?

    • You! I like you. Girls like you are really rare and hard to find. Not only the being bad thingy comes naturally to you,(which makes it way more sexy than faking it by the way, because You're truly enjoying it. Because I notice when its fake immediatly and that takes away the immersion.) also it seems like you're pretty open minded, confident and cool what makes you also a good buddy and I could just talk about random stuff with you like I do with my bros. I wish there would be more Girls like you where I live.

    • thanks! I just think gender roles and stereotypes are restricting... and predictable... and boring... and don't come naturally to most people. And men shouldn't be shamed for having emotions when it's an unavoidable part of being human! plus guys look hot tied up sometimes too :P

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  • I'm very much not into domineering women. I am laid back and generally go with the flow, however nothing gets me to switch over to what I suppose would be alpha male mentality like a woman trying to control me. I would not tolerate it ever. So I don't know why men are into this at all. I think part of it is that every authority figure they have is female and that does factor in but I think its society as a whole. I think we have slowly replaced masculinity with femininity. Studies have shown that our society has been attempting to feminize men for years. In schools they taylor it towards female oriented thinking then force males to function within those perameters (probably why the drop out /grades/graduating college are all showing a decline for males. I think this along with a lot of media is showing masculine behavior as bad and this is worming its way into the minds of young boys and men causing them to become conflicted with themselves wanting to be men but not knowing how.

  • You can't change it. The GFs will always be confused and prefer the male to be in charge. As you said 1/8. thats the culture we live in, maybe our culture changes but this will take a long long time. What you definetly CAN do, is getting your girlfriend into the idea of her being dominant by persuading her again and again until the brain stopps being confused about it and gets used to this fantasy. Basically its learning to like it, tastes change, for example I didn't like fish or Mushrooms at all as a kid and now I love it! Mmmmh grilled mushrooms man.. So good! Of course you can't get a girl for one Night or two and expect to change her taste. But if you keep her for long, you can definetly show her how awesome and what a great feeling it is to be dominant. Also it works the other way around, too. I was submissive only at first, and then my girlfriend was like "just try! I wanna experience the other side, too! So do this for me" and then we started swapping the roles depending on mood and situations over and over. After a few months I started enjoying being the bad guy from time to time and now Im both. Submissive and Dominant. But yeah again as you said a dominant woman from the beginning without influence and persuation from the Boyfriend is 1/8... really hard to find.

    • That's the situation I'm in right now. I'm submissive but I also have a slight domme side. I like doing things, like stick my finger in a guy's butt, that would appear dominant coming from me. But for the MOST part, I am submissive who's curious about being dominant.

    • Yup, thats the root. Curiosity. And the more things you try with your friend that makes you the person in charge the more you will see how awesome it can be. For example my girlfriend HATED facesitting. LITERALLY HATED XD I asked her why and she said what I always read from other Women in the internet, too. "Its not comfortable, I want to let go and not just hover over your face all the time trying to make me light this is uncomfortable. Also I want to get off without worrying about suffocating you." I told her that nobody REALLY nobody she won't even find 1 guy who is into facesitting, that just wants the girl to hover, we are into that because we want you to SIT! Feeling the pressure, and letting her decide when I breath. And you dont have to worry about suffocating me, because I will ALWAAAAYS find a way to get air somehow, but if you worry, you'll may give air to early and that makes you too nice and thats a turn Off. See it as a game of air where I always will win but you still have to...

    • ... try beating me. Because that gives the illusion that you dont wanted me to breath, and try this won't happen again, so you put me back in there really fast so I dont get to much. Then you rest again, or do what you want, grind my nose like its a tool or just masturbate, and show that you can breath free and enjoy yourself while I fight for air until it gets wet, and then you sit with your pussy again, spreading the juices, maybe something gets into my nose and the breathing gets even harder, that is making me even more exited, especially when you act like you dont care. But really facesitting doesn't have to be uncomfortable at all. Just dont worry, and dont try to make yourself lighter by hovering or whatever. I won't die. Promise. With that I persuaded her and she got into it.

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  • I think women are better leaders, not only professionally but even in personal relationships also. I believe they can also take charge equally well as men, it's expected that a man should take charge in a relationship, but I believe women can also do that very well and the man can follow her, nothing wrong in it. However there is one point no matter who takes charge, man or woman neither should be dominated to doing things, there is nothing wrong if a woman takes charge, there is nothing wrong in the man being the submissive one, one who does what the woman tells him but it shouldn't happen that he should be treated like a slave, that is morally wrong as well, the woman shouldn't start becoming controlling, or dominant over the course of the relationship, there is a difference between dominating, controlling and being assertive, taking charge. Hence, if a woman is assertive, takes charge but at the same time treats her like a man, takes his opinions when required then the guy shouldn't have any problem in being the submissive one in the relationship and following her lead.

    That's my view on this.

  • That commercial was so hilarious.

    When I was 20 I was in the BDSM scene, a submissive. My dom was a friend of mine. He was actually soft-spoken, lenient & reserved in vanilla life, but asserted dominance in a matter-of-fact way without using a lot of force behind closed doors. The only thing REMOTELY dominant he let me do was insert a plug in his ass, but it was still because he let me.

    I identify as a sub because in real life I don't have a lot of self-control or self-discipline, so being dominated fills that void. However, as of late I've deep down wanted to try being a domme, even just once in a while. It entices me to think a man would actually get pleasure out of being dominated by me. I like the idea of a relationship where it's switched off every so often.

    • I find that I have trouble switching with the same partner. It gets to be this I want to sub tonight, no I do...

  • I would prefer an equal partnership rather than one being an alpha and the other being a beta. That way I we can take turns being dominant and submissive.
    I find trying to be an alpha to be exhausting since I don't want to carry a woman's insecurities. I've got my own insecurities and wouldn't want her to carry them either.

  • I'm a submissive man, but I don't agree with the type of femdom that I think you describe (not sure).

    Seems like the majority of femdom revolves around emasculating and/or humiliating the man. But that's not my cup of tea at all.

    I'm simply submissive in the sense that I prefer the gender roles reversed. As in, I prefer to be the little spoon when cuddling. Where the boyfriend is a little bit more "feminine" and the girlfriend is a bit more "masculine". It's hard to explain.

    Anyway, nice take.

    • Do you like it when the girl pampers you?

    • Not entirely sure what you mean by that. Could you explain? Sorry, not a native English speaker.

  • I don't see it as being dominant so much as I see it as being a leader for my wife and family (if I had either). To be a good leader I think you need a partner who will not challenge your status constantly and respect the decisions you make for the family. That's where the submissive part plays into it.

    I think these roles play into every relationship on a subconcious level and when you acknowledge them, you can improve your role and improve your relationship.

  • I'm not into BDSM but I love dominant girls (not the one in the picture though). I prefer fit/athletic sporty type of girls.

  • I've toyed with the idea of being a sub because of my smallish penis.

    My fiancée is traditional and a virgin, so thankfully I won't have to worry about my size anymore. She's fine with it.

    • She's seen it?

    • No, but I've talked to her about it.

    • @KBob93

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