Casual Sex is No Different than Casual Hugs: So stop being so judgmental about it!

Casual Sex = No Different than Casual Hugs (so stop being so judgmental about it!)

You hear people all the time talking about people (in particular, women) who have a lot, or even a little bit, of casual sex, as being “used up”. A lot of people have this idea in their head that anyone who is able to have casual, meaningless sex is incapable of having truly meaningful sex, because they don’t view it as something significant and emotionally intimate.

(The last guy I called my boyfriend before the wonderful gem I’m with now used to pick fights with me over that all the time. It drove me NUTS because, while he was still willing to have sex with me, he thought it was OK to ask me about my sexual past and then bring it up all the time as a way of making me feel bad about myself and “lucky” that he’s with me at all. Needless to say, that relationship did not last long.)

Anyways, while I can sort of understand the perspective, it’s also long boggled my mind that people think of sex as something that permanently damages a person. It’s not. It’s a perfectly natural human thing to do and any significance attached to it comes not from the act itself, but from the relationship you have with the person you’re doing it with.

Think about it like this: it’s like hugs. Some people are huggy people – they hug everyone. They hug their colleagues. They hug old high school acquaintances who they happen to run into. They hug their kids’ friends. They hug their friends’ spouses. They hug, hug, hug all day long. Most of those hugs are completely meaningless and hold no more emotional significance than a firm handshake. Yet, no one would EVER claim that a person who gives lots of hugs to lots of people is “used up” and incapable of giving a truly meaningful, emotionally intimate hug.

Casual Sex is No Different than Casual Hugs: So stop being so judgmental about it!

Just because you hug 6 people a day as a way of saying “hello”, doesn’t mean something more when you give a real deep, encompassing hug to your spouse, your best friend or your mother. Even if you hug everyone you meet, when you hug your spouse it means something more. Maybe not every time. Maybe sometimes you hug your spouse just for the sake of it, but sometimes when you hug that person it’s a deeper, more meaningful, highly emotional act.

Casual Sex is No Different than Casual Hugs: So stop being so judgmental about it!

So why do we pretend sex is so different?? It’s not. Just because I’ve had casual sex with other people in the past, doesn’t mean that I’m incapable of having meaningful sex with my boyfriend now. When I have sex with my boyfriend, sometimes it is just a fun little romp, but a lot of the time it’s a very deep, very meaningful and highly emotional act. I feel close to him. I look him deep in the eyes and bare my soul to him. I feel like two bodies coming together as one. I can feel ALL of these things with my boyfriend, and having had meaningless romps with other people in the past doesn’t change any of that. It doesn’t impact our connection or the meaning or the emotional bond that my boyfriend and I form during sex. The way I feel during sex with my boyfriend is something completely different than anything I’ve ever felt during sex with anyone else. To me, that almost makes it MORE special. If every sexual partner I’d had in the past was someone I was once “in love” with, wouldn’t that make this relationship feel less significant than it is? I don’t know. But just because my history of casual sex makes the sex I feel with my boyfriend feel more meaningful to me, doesn’t mean I’m gonna go around and judge other people who have had “meaningful” sex with 2 or 3 different people and say that their current relationships mean any less.

Casual Sex is No Different than Casual Hugs: So stop being so judgmental about it!
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Many people say that it should be left in the past, which it may be true, but the past is what made us what we are today, and that includes having sex with lots of random people. Some people don't want that type of person in their life, they don't want that type of mentality on their partner.
    Would you go out with a guy that cheated on his previous partners and abused them? It's in the past, doesn't mean it'll happen to you, especially if he swears he won't do that to you.
    Like I said, the past builds us, makes us what we are today, and you can't just ignore that.

    I'm not against casual sex, not at all, I have it too, but we gotta accept those who don't wanna be with a partner that had lots of casual sex. I don't mind a girl that had a few casual encounters, but sleeping with every guy she finds hot? No, that's not the type of girl I want.

    Also, I don't think comparing casual sex with hugs is right, they're two different things.

    • That's fair, and people are allowed to have their preferences. But I am tired of reading so many "questions" and comments on this site from people who think they're somehow superior to others because of how they choose to express or not express their sexuality. Of course sex and hugs are different - but they are similar in that both are physical acts that can be completely meaningless with one person but mean the damn world with another.

    • You can have the preferences that you want. Just don't call promiscuous women "sluts". It's the judging that is not welcome.

    • I agree with that, I'm also tired of shaming people; that's why I said I'm ok with it to avoid misunderstandings. @JuicyBrain true, I'm not saying shaming is ok.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Only a person who has engaged in lots of casual sex could write something like this.
    Not sure I'd agree, but I'd understand more if you compared hugs get and kisses, but sex? Is it normal to share toothbrushes with strangers too?

    I don't really have much to add to what most people already said, except that I don't condone that lifestyle nor your reasons, and I'm in no way obliged to accept it. I'm in my right to be judgmental with things that affect me personally, but if you don't try to convince me, I won't try to convince you.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I don't judge those who engage in casual sex but sex and hugs are two very different things and I don't really agree with your comparisons here. Hugs are never very emotional, they are mostly casual, even with someone you love. Sex is so much deeper, emotionally, than a hug could ever be.

    I think people can do what they want with their bodies and if that means they want to have casual sex, that's their decision. I just know that I would never want to have sex with someone I didn't truly love and who didn't love me. For me, sex is an emotional and highly intimate act ALL the time, I could never share that part of myself with a stranger or someone who didn't love and respect me.

  • Reread this but replace "hug" with "f*uck" and tell me they are still the same thing.

  • I get what you're saying and I totally agree with you. My ex boyfriend used to worry about how loyal I would be because I had "a lot" of sex partners over the course of the previous year. I personally would prefer to have meaningful sex with one person (not just one person forever but just one person at a time over different people) but that doesn't mean casual sex isn't fun too. The point of meaningful sex vs casual sex are often very different.

    • Then do not get married or have a family. Its been shown to increase instability in relationships and increased risk of divorce that is damaging to both the spouse and the child. So do what you will but dont let your descision harm others.

    • @hellionthesage or I can do what I will and you can do what you will and stop trying to tell other people what to do. you do realize you post the same argument as a comment to everyone and it's not changing anyone's mind right?

    • How many partners did you have that he thought was too much? I used to hook up a lot so I'm kind of worried about my boyfriend thinking that about me.

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  • *slow clap* That was a great perspective...

  • Well I did some digging casual sex can spread STDS even with condoms you can get hepatitis, crabs, wart , scabies and herpes. I couldn't really find a lot about STDS and hugs, except you may catch that persons cold or flu.

  • Although I think no one should be judged for having casual sex, it is not the same as casual hugs.

    They aren't intimate, merely friendly, and convey emotions. Casual sex doesn't do that usually. That analogy doesn't work.

    Now, if your ex had an issue with how many men you've been with in the past, he needs to deal with his own insecurities and shouldn't have gotten with you in the first place.

    That said, even though I wouldn't judge someone with a high number, I wouldn't be with him either.

  • Totally agree. In fact I think I e said the exact same thing about sex and hugs:)

  • What you say is completely correct... for about half of the population. Ah, there's the rub. People on both sides of this debate look at the world around them and their lived experience and draw from that a logical yet wrong conclusion. This is the wrongheaded conclusion: "How it is for me in my experience... is universally applicable to everyone."
    Said that way, without even the barest context of sex, the falacy of the belief glares at you.

    Human beings have many immutable elements that define their sexuality. Among these are:
    - gender
    - gender identity
    - sexual orientation
    AND
    - sociosexual orientation

    What I find fascinating about this subject is that with Caitlin Jenner in the popular press, even the most unplugged individuals can speak intelligently about gender identity.

    BUT

    Nobody seems to know or understand about sociosexual orientation. You never mentioned it EVEN ONCE despite the fact that it was the subject of your myTake.

    Let us define terms. Sociosexual Orientation basically describes a person's relationship with casual sex. The orientation comes in two flavors:
    - sociosexually restricted
    - sociosexually unrestricted

    Sociosexually Unrestricted individuals:
    - start having sex at a younger age
    - have sex earlier in a relationship
    - tend to not bond with their sex partners
    - engage in casual sex
    - have many sex partners
    - are unconcerned about how large a number their partner has

    Sociosexually Restricted individuals:
    - delay having sex both the age they start and when it occurs in a relationship
    - strongly prefer sex in the context of a relationship
    - tend to bond with their partners (and like that this occurs)
    - have low numbers of sex partners
    - desire that their partners have similiar numbers with them
    - desire that their partners share their views on casual sex

    In the US at present the breakdown of sociosexual orientation is like this:

    Males
    43% Restricted
    57% Unrestricted

    Females
    53% Restricted
    47% Unrestricted

    Clearly, you are an unrestricted woman. What you have said in this myTake about your sexual history reveals that about you. What little you have said about your prior boyfriend indicates that he was a restricted man and demonstrated that fact in the context of your relationship. I'm sure both of you left that relationship equally hurt. A poor match is to no one's benefit. Your present boyfriend (Gem!) I suspect is unrestricted as well. That is one of many dimensions of compatibility he shares with you.

    • The moral of the story: - know your own sociosexual orientation - only seek relationships with individuals that have the same orientation as yourself

    • From my own experience, I know that I will bond with anyone I have sex with. I am comfortable having sex early in a relationship BUT I will seek a relationship with anyone I have sex with. In 48 years on the planet, I have had just a single one night stand. Despite the fact that it was a good experience, I never sought a one night stand again. I learned enough from that one experience to not play with fire. Otherwise, I have always sought a girlfriend and later a wife. Currently, I am 9 years into my happy second marriage. If only mismatched sociosexual orientations had been a red flag for me, I would not have married my first wife.

    • Great input and insight. I think you're right that it comes down to everyone thinking that their experience is or ought to be universal. What I was trying to say in this Take was people need to stop judging others who view or engage in sex differently. One minor point of disagreement, though, is with the definition you give of "unrestricted" individuals: "tend not to bond with their partners". For me, that is true in some contexts but not in others. Same with preferring sex in a relationship. While it is true that I am quicker to sleep with someone earlier on in the relationship or even outside of a relationship than others, I do prefer meaningful sex that occurs w/in a relationship, and in that context I do bond with my partner in a deeply emotional way. I just am not as restrictive about my sexuality at the beginning of a relationship or outside of one as others. I can separate the physical act from emotion when I want to, but I much, much prefer sex that IS emotionally stimulating

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  • Casual sex is unattractive to most men for the same reason fat ladies are unattractive to men: lack of discipline. The sexes aren't the same; there is a reason men and women are treated differently when they get around. For men, approaching, getting rejected by, continuing to approach, courting, dating and having sex with a lady is something that shows confidence, drive and aptitude. For a woman, (unless otherwise noted) having sex is simply a matter of being sufficiently persuaded. Therefore, when a woman has sex with lots of men and claims that the man with whom she wants to be monogamous is special, the man will always be skeptical that the woman was sufficiently persuaded by him, and that he is not better than any other guy on your track record. I would love to say that this man should believe you on what you say, but actions speak louder than words, sadly.

  • I don't agree, respectfully, of course. They're completely different.

  • I don't believe in slut shaming or pervert shaming people for their personal lives. However hugs and sex are a really bad comparison. A lot of men and women find sex to be a deeply powerful bonding experience that no hug could match. I would assume the only people that really think hug and sex are the same are in open relationships, or don't want their partner hugging anyone.

    Sex means something different to everyone, but in most cases people value sex more than hugs. Just because you personally don't see sex as more special, doesn't make it wrong that someone else does.

    No guy or girl should have to accept that their partner has a huge number, if that is something they don't believe in. As long as they are holding themselves to the same standard it isn't even a double standard. Part of being tolerant, means tolerance for different beliefs must flow both ways. This means being tolerant that others won't agree with you. That is a part of tolerance people like to forget about.

    If someone feels sex is special, then it only makes sense they would only be truly happy with a partner that shares that value. When that doesn't happen compatibility will become an issue and peoples feelings will be hurt. They shouldn't make fun of people that are living their own lives, but asking them not to judge you is unreasonable. We get judged for every action we ever make. In fact you are currently judging me for every word I am writing. Judging others is a part of life and we need to accept that. Being cruel to others do to those judgements however is something that shouldn't be accepted.

    • It's obviously not a literal analogy. The point was that, like hugs, sex can be incredibly meaningful in some circumstances despite not being meaningful in others, so people should stop being so judgmental about it. Thanks for sharing your opinion in a respectful manner.

    • I agree with the over all message, of not shaming people. Your ex shouldn't have done that. I think he either needed to find someone more compatible, or he was just trying to hurt you and knew that would bother you. Even if he was okay with it, then he might still say something like that if he thinks it will hurt you in a moment of rage. People say all sorts of things we we shouldn't.

  • I like to keep sex as something far more intimate and personal than a hug... But I hold no judgement on others for their lives, I just prefer women who have the same mind set towards sex as myself.

  • Sex and a hug are not the same. I hug my family members but don't have sex with them. Do you?

  • hugs dont spread chlamydia

    • nor AIDS

  • First you say this "A lot of people have this idea in their head that anyone who is able to have casual, meaningless sex is incapable of having truly meaningful sex, because they don’t view it as something significant and emotionally intimate"

    Then you contradict it by saying this...

    "any significance attached to it comes not from the act itself, but from the relationship you have with the person you’re doing it with"

    What relationship? You have no relationship with the person, right? because its "casual and meaningless".

    I don't understand the point of meaningless sex, if it is meaningless then why even bother? Might as well masturbate, what do you seek in using a human for pleasure over a vibrator? (um... intimacy!)
    I don't think people who have casual sex are slutty or bad but I think they are broken or damaged in some way. Were not animals; humans have emotions and naturally seek intimacy. If you think sex is the same as a hug then I feel bad for you and I wonder what happened in your past that affected you so much to feel this way.

    • "any significance attached to it comes not from the act itself, but from the relationship you have with the person you’re doing it with" I'd take that to mean that sex has significance when the person you're doing it with is someone you love, but if it's just with someone you fancy for a bit of fun then it doesn't have significance.

  • I think you're hugging wrong...

    • Oh wow, so funny, I to catch my breath before I could comment. ... still laughing. ... still going. You're awesome.

    • Hilarious! Cute bunny as well.

    • Rolling on the floor laughing.

  • I'm sorry, I have never actually sworn without censorship on this website but this take?

    WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

    I'm not sure if you're being genuinely legit or you're just rationalizing yourself from the pain of what you've done in the past.

    I understand that you were trying to use an analogy but obviously apologies can only be applied to a certain extent.

    Sex cannot be compared to hugs because hugs can be offered to anyone in many circumstances however sex is not something you should be handing out like hugs.

    No one EVER feels the same way about giving hugs and having sex.

    • Yeah, I think the same.

    • It's almost ridiculous you had to explain this... xD

    • @LittleSally "Almost"

  • Thats like saying bumping into someone is the same as punching them in the mouth. The fact is that sex is more then sex the notion that it is not is well, irrational and I would even dare to say stupid. The fact that we have managed to remove much of the more obvious negative impacts does not mean that promiscuity is some how natural. Sex is natural, so is not using contraceptives, so is dying from an STD (antibiotics are not natural), I would imagine rampant pregnancies, abandoned children, and high death tolls from STD s are not what you have in mind is it? Because all of that is natural, its why we have long held that promiscuity is in fact, a very bad thing. Then when you factor in that people who are sociosexually unrestricted (promiscuity) have a much higher probability of being unfaithful, that number of sexual partners have in fact been linked to greater instability in relationships and higher divorce rates, tendency of impulsive behavior (acting with little care of the consequences), generally low self esteem has been linked to the behavior as well, its really rather apparent that it is not a good thing. Then when you factor in that your boyfriend is expected to treat you special (asking you out, planning dates, paying for dates, buying you flowers, jewelry, telling you your beautiful etc) and investing much of his time and resources into you, its difficult for them to take you seriously when you say that you care about them. The fact is you gave yourself away, frequently and in all likely hood to people you didn't really even know, just someone you met and never saw again, but he, the person who cares about you and you profess to care about, he is expected to pay for what you gave away for free (and in all likely hood, strangers). This is why it is in fact a big deal. We know that it is, its been proven. My sources: socialpathology.blogspot.com/.../...orce-risk.html
    socialpathology.blogspot.com/.../...uity-data.html
    www.psychologytoday.com/.../what-motivates-sexual-promiscuity
    www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/.../nihms499028.pdf
    Here are two interesting takes on this as well: lmerlobooth.typepad.com/.../...-relationships.html
    www.politics.ie/.../...ty-its-effects-society.html
    The fact is there are ramifications to your actions you refusing to acknowledge it doesn't change tha in the least. Your an adult that means a certain level of self control and ability to self reflect and judge the potential harm of your actions. You need to grow up and realize that just because something feels good or you want it doesn't mean its natural or healthy, nor does it mean it has no negative impact.

    • I have to say. I usually carry the opposite opinion saying that I would date a girl even if she had infinity sexual partners, your argument is actually rock solid and convincing, not just based on judgments and insults. I have been trying to figure out what exactly is so bad about casual sex and this post has finally made a decent attempt at answering this question. Thank you for your valuable insight of an opinion I at the moment do not agree with or at least have strongly disagreed with thus far , but this one might be the game-chang of my perception.

    • Really man, I saw you on other questions too and you though you seem to have the opposite views I have by default, your arguments are actually convincing unlike most people on your side and are making me reconsider my evaluations.

    • While I have always supported people doing what they want with their lives, I prefer to keep sex as something far more special for people I am dating and I prefer my partners have the same mindset. This argument is awesome and well founded, you should make a my take on this!!! I never really thought of it that way, but it makes sense and perfectly fits in with why I like to keep sex more serious, it is something special for someone special in your life.

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  • #GTFO here with this #BS + basically all I read was this "I was to sleep around like that skank that I am or get passed around like a #blunt by the hood. And now I want you to accept me for who I am". Which is in fact #UsedGoods in my mind.

    Girls are always trying to make excuse as to why they chose to " #hoe " themselves out hahaha #SameGoesForGUYS ^_^

    i1127.photobucket.com/.../ezgif.com-add-text.gif

    "Casual Sex is No Different than Casual Hugs" I see people #hugging daily in public. I've yet to see anybody banging each other, though -_-.

    .

    • You can "hoe" yourself out, but just don't think that anybody with COMMON SENSE would accept you as their husband/wife. Hell you'd probably cheat on them anyway with yo LOOSE ass LOL https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhMnLamHctA

  • Hahahaha

    Kind of disturbing some people think this way.

    - only my opinion -

    • It is disturbing to me too

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