Sexual Relationships
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My trip from a "homophobic" pastor trainee to a bi man in a relationship with another man

My trip from a "homophobic" pastor trainee to a bi man in a relationship with another man

@RedThread and @weegin said they thought it would be interesting to learn about my transition from what I used to be (training to be a pastor, and fairly bigoted, or at least ignorant about homosexuality) to where I currently am as a bi man who is perfectly happy and content with another man. (My apologies if my thoughts seem somewhat scatterbrained, I have been up for 24 hours and am preparing for another 24 hour day so I may have to come back later and edit this if it doesn't turn out too well)

I guess let's start with my childhood and early adolescence. I grew up with my mother who is an amazing woman, but is very closeminded and ignorant. She raised me in the church as many other parents do and kept me away from dissenting opinions or views. As I grew up I became more and more fascinated by religion and science as a whole. I went to a private christian (baptist) school and frequently argued my christianity (arminianism vs. the school's view calvanism). I continued to read more and more about the Bible and study underneath the pastors at my church in an attempt to be better able to argue my point to my teachers and friends. My school taught evolution, but instead of showing how evolution fit as an explanation to life they taught all the "arguments" against it and as such I thought anyone that believed in evolution was ignorant of the faults in it. During this time (~15) I also frequently debated evolutionists and even won some and the ones I lost made me angry that I didn't know all the answers, so I began studying it even more. I also argued on this site that homosexuality was unnatural, and the like. I began being mentored by my pastor and in turn teaching a group of children at church (6th graders). The further I delved into evolution the more I was faced with the sobering idea that it might actually be true. I also grew angry with my school for lying to me. I had found out that many of the things they taught were outdated and long since proven to be illogical arguments, but our school decided to use them anyway because as youths we had no real way of hearing other opinions. I finally accepted that evolution was true at around the age of 18. At this point though I was still a Christian; however, this realization that those charged with teaching me were actually intentionally deceiving me made me begin to question EVERYTHING.

When I was a Christian I believed in a literal interpretation of the Bible, I didn't even know that there were christians that did not believe the Bible was infallible. Over time the evdence against the stories and claims of the Bible made me come to the "realization" that the God of the Bible couldn't exist. Not surprisingly this time shocked me and terrified me. During the week that I was admitting to myself that I did not believe I cried incessantly, was terrified of dying (lest I be sent to an eternity in hell), didn't eat for days at a time, and lost all sexual drive. The next year I came to the military college that I still attend. At this point in time I still denied my sexuality, and still argued the unnatural state of homosexuality. At this point I no longer believed that they were going to hell, but I thought that it was illogical, and that homosexuals were "weird" or something to that effect. Through arguing homosexuality on this site and others I began to question my own views. As I started to learn more, I threw away my old beliefs about homosexuality, because the evidence suggested that I do so. Now at this time I had started watching gay porn, but I still denied it (although I have no idea how I could.) Then last semester (6 months ago give or take), I finally admitted my attraction to the same sex to myself. I however, did not come out to anyone. Even my best friends had no clue. I did however start talking to guys on tinder (a sort of dating app.) Then my friends girlfriend came out as bi and broke up with him. They were still on good terms though, and I started talking to her through him. I was really jealous of her having the strength to be able to do something that I was too terrified to do. As I began to talk to her more I wanted to tell somebody, and I trusted her so I told her. She was incredibly accepting (obviously) and has kept my "secret" ever since. At this time I had no interest in dating anyone, but was talking to several guys and girls. I really liked one however, and he wanted me to ask him out. I was interested in trying it out so I did. At this point only two girls knew about me and I have slowly been coming out to my closest friends ever since. Thankfully most of my friends have been amazing and accepted me regardless (although some of the christian ones still tell me they think I'm going to hell).

So nowadays I'm really happy with my boyfriend and love him very much. I still am not "open" but am working on it slowly.

Haha so if you managed to stick through the whole thing thanks! If y'all have any questions feel free to ask!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • This sounds like a familiar story, sadly. You can take what I say as you will, but I feel I should share my feelings on this.

    I do believe that Homosexuality is a sin, but I don't believe that they are 'going to Hell', in the same way it is entirely wrong to say that a murderer is going to Hell. Doesn't the Bible essentially say "Who are you to judge another, when you yourself have sinned as well?" Telling anybody they are going to go to Hell, or even believing it, is a sign of oversimplified, angry religious beliefs.

    I believe it is wrong to treat LGBT people the way many of them are treated, the same way that it is wrong to treat prisoners of war or people of another race or any human being poorly. It is only human to want to lash out at those who are different from you, to want to feel superior by making them feel or appear insignificant, disgusting or horrible. That is exactly why it is wrong; Christianity is about striving to be more than 'only human'.

    Any Christian who does these things is not showing true love or compassion at all. Showing true compassion would be treating your 'enemies' as friends, doing something nice for somebody who cannot repay you, or generally doing what is contrary to human nature.

    It is my belief that you've been misled by your Christian friends and family, but I think you have already come to that conclusion. However, in your anger and terror and confusion, you've turned to the exact opposite of what you used to believe, simply because what you used to believe was not fully true. But I don't think it was entirely false, either. Perhaps you just need to take a look at it from a different perspective?

    Below I will follow with a few more comments on some specific things you said, but don't feel that I'm telling you what you have to do or believe. It isn't up to me whether you're a Christian or not. It's not up to anyone but you.

    • "When I was a Christian I believed in a literal interpretation of the Bible, I didn't even know that there were Christians that did not believe the Bible was infallible." I don't believe the Bible was ever really meant to be taken literally, and it confuses me when people think it ought to be. When you read words that were written about 5000 years ago, in a different culture, a different area of the world, that were translated and re-translated and still aren't translated perfectly, how can you expect that it makes such a big a difference what word specifically your English Bible used? Eastern Culture takes a much more metaphorical, indirect approach to stories than Western Culture does. They tell stories not because they are true, but because they are useful lessons. Not to suggest that every story in the Bible is untrue, but most stories in the Bible are not there for the purpose of being accurate. They are there to get their point across, and they don't have to be true to do that.

    • "Over time the evidence against the stories and claims of the Bible made me come to the "realization" that the God of the Bible couldn't exist." I'm not sure I follow. Yes, there is evidence against the stories and claims of the Bible. Does that mean the whole thing is fake? Does that mean God cannot exist? I will be the first here to admit that to my knowledge, the existence of God has never been provable, and few intelligent people have claimed that it was. I'm not sure that discrediting a few stories from the Bible as myths changes anything. Sure, maybe God isn't exactly the God that you were taught that he was. But the Bible is fairly reliable in its descriptions of God, and is theologically sound throughout, even if it isn't always historically sound. Did you ever consider that perhaps we don't need to prove 100% that God is real, or prove that the Bible is 100% true, to be a Christian? I don't believe you need to, personally.

    • Finally, thank you for sharing this. It might sound like I am trying to fight with you about this, but that is not what I want. I just want to present a different way of thinking about things. I am glad that you followed through on it and I am happy to hear your responses to my words here. I can see that you've been through a lot, and it really sucks to realize that you and everyone around you might be wrong. I commend you for not living in denial and facing this head on, even if I do believe that the direction you turned to in heading away from your previous direction will not prove any more satisfying to you. Going against your friends and family and facing their scorn is never easy.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I like that you educated yourself and went from educating from only one point of view, to doing it from other views. Any time I research something, whether it be religion, sexuality, race, or even study methods, I am sure to look at arguments from all points of view. Often there there are more than two. Then I formulate or reevaluate my own views. I'm sure you've learned that most intolerant and bigoted views come from ignorance.
    I also struggled with my religious views and sexuality. I was lucky to figure it out as a teen/young adult though. Your myTake was very nice. 😊

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  • Sexuality & Christianity are not necessarily exclusive of each other. Increasingly I meet Christians w/ same sex attractions. I see more the ones who exclusively have ssa are the ones putting faith before their attraction while the ones with bisexuality are the ones pursuing same sex relationships and incorporating it into their faith or rejecting faith altogether. I am not trying to oversimplify anyone's journey. I will say that at 40, I've learned that although we are each born with or acquire different limitations, strengths, desires, preferences, personalities and the like, we all have a certain amount of choice. Where we land is not entirely arbitrary but based on what we feed and how we feed ourselves as well as vows made way before any event actually happens. Through life I knew myself well enough to know what I was feeding. I just wouldn't admit it. Surprise, I have gotten everything I fed. The guy I was most recently interested in, came out to me as bi. I literally had to go to him to find out and by then I already knew. He was very upfront. The thing was having been close to him for 3 years I could see in all the ways he said yes to attractions w/ men & no to attractions w/ women. He has always known he was bi but didn't know what to do w/ it. Today, he is bi with a fluid sexuality that leans more towards men. Along the way, there were women who he was attracted to & inerested in but he never told them, including me. Yes, he was trying to figure things out but in those choices, he distanced himself from potential relationships with women & although it doesn't seem he is actually interested in any guy in particular, he has pursued closer relationships with men. I can't speak for all the women through his life but I know for myself and another girl he was open to, we would have been supportive & he knew that.
    When it comes to Christianity as with everything else in life, if you base it on other people, you'll never get anywhere. There are few who really believe enough for it to change their lives/hearts and as a by product, those around them. You say you were deceived by them and maybe you were or maybe they didn't understand enough to realize they were deceiving you. Maybe they were deceiving themselves. Yes, people need to take responsibility for their actions but the true source of things is a spiritual realm beyond what we see. God shows Himself as real to everyone but He gives all choice. Many come to faith who feel they previously were deceived

  • That's really good I know I have a guy friend that is gay , it's not easy for you guys to come out , I am glad you are happy with your boyfriend.

  • Thank you for sharing your story, it was interesting to read and I'm gladly that you're slowly starting to accept yourself for who you are instead of blindly letting others dictate who you are.

    • I'm glad*

  • Thanks for sharing your story @ladsin

    I will always view you as the slightly tipsy whippersnapper from forever ago.

    Your story is so complex but so simple. You probably made someone feel a little better.

    • Aww thanks youngin! I'll never forget how young you'll always be compared to me 😘

    • www.visualphotos.com/.../...utting-in-dentures.jpg

      candid moments

    • from my life

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  • Well that was interesting, hopefully you can open some minds as well :)

    • I actually have for several of my friends XP

  • If you're using him sexually, it's wrong. The parts don't fit together right, and were never intended to. If you're just friends with a great understanding, it's friendship, not necessarily homosexuality. The wave of homosexual insanity in the political realm has led to a loss of the concept of male-male innocent friendship - which CS Lewis feared would be the logical consequence of giving Kinsey what he wanted.

    It's impossible, in that context, for two dudes to be around each other without a sexual stigma of some kind. And that's already unfair when male-female pals are assumed to be couples. Yes, I'd go to greater lengths to protect a woman, and would feel a lot more comfortable touching one; but that doesn't mean I want to sleep with every woman I befriend.

    Yet, today's culture insists on sexualizing everything. The Bible being so strictly against that actually liberates non-sexual things from obligation to sexuality, freeing them up to be what they were meant to be and clearing room in the mind for great things to grow.

    A sex-obsessed culture ultimately kills its own freedom potential, and innovations suffer. Also, sex-obsessed cultures cannot survive without slavery in some form or another. Which is why LGBT activists assault the 1st and 13th amendments so aggressively.

    • The bible is the furthest thing from freeing people. No I am not using him for sex, neither are we just friends. We are in a relationship no different than a male and female. Homosexuality is common throughout all mammalian species and has been a part of human culture since the beginning of recorded history. The problem that comes with many christians is that they assume that homosexuality is wrong and ignore all science, as opposed to looking at the research first and then coming to a conclusion based on those facts.

    • I've never seen lgbt people fight either of those amendments.

    • Not all couples want to have sex right away. It doesn't mean two guys that are dating are going to have sex. You think so but I feel like Everybody as the right to have a true love. I quit going to my meetings because I don't believe in it , they wanted to change gay people , I think gay people see something different in there life's they aren't born with a defect . I have a guy friend who is gay and happy being guy and there both happy. Just because You don't like it. So back off

  • Nice take ☺☺☺

    • Thanks XP

  • wow dude you changed a lot since i was last on here, but that's a good thing. life is all about change and evolution. what was true to you at one time in your life isn't true at all anymore and you recognized it. i'm happy for you and hopefully things will work out well for you guys.

  • Lol boy ladsin, I bet many girls' hearts are gonna be broken! @kangy 's for example! Hahaha...

    Anyway, I had a similar experience about having. been a really religious christian who then later became more "worldly" lol. I am not bi though, although I wouldn't say no if life presented me with the chance to experiment with a girl. But I have pretty much went against what my parents and the. church and even my younger self had told me. I did all the sinful deeds.

    I just hope that you don't turn into one of those religion-bashing people. You seem like a cool dude. Would hate to see you be that annoying. by the way in case you're wondering, we have talked in the old gag like once or twice. I had another me back then. So now you know I'm not some creepy stalker lol

    • Oh mine.. i am very shocked

    • Haha I wouldn't I enjoy discussing it, but I don't think I'm that big of a jerk to castigate people for their beliefs XP @kangy you're still my true love!

  • Welcome back😅 . I didn't notice that you raved on about homosexuality being unnatural. But I do remember you don't like fat people!!

    • I don't recall not liking fat people... and it was when I was first on like 4-5 years ago I think.

  • You spent your early years shaming others on this site, for something you yourself have turned out to be. Well I hope for your sake you weren't "shamed" or told you were going to hell, because it's exactly that kind of response that drives so many young LGBT people into suicide. Yet another reaon I despise religion.

    Live and let live, who are you to judge?

    • Who am I judging? Yes, I have been told by some of my friends that they think I'm going to hell. I've moved passed that though.

    • Religion isn't the only cause. People just fear the “unnatural” and deviant. That's how many societies work. I think you should blame religion less and blame the people more. Especially since there are people of one religion who can believe two opposite things.

    • Religion is the root cause @suki248. Religion speaks only hate towards difference, science and 'truth'. Children, especially in the US, are dragged into a toxic wasteland of bigotry and ignorance.

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  • Well I'd have to say I didn't read all of that I only read some of the first part and not to be disrespectful or anything and I'm not judging but I'm definitely a believer and when I say that I mean I have a faith in Christ and everybody's different everybody has the right to believe what they want to believe or follow what they want to follow so I'm not judging anybody but I would just say if you were in the process of being a pastor then you would know that there is a heaven and there's a hell. And when you die you'll stand before your maker and then you get to explain to him why you chose to do what you did in life just like I'll have to stand before him too and though I'm not perfect like nobody's perfect but I try to do the right thing everyday and I try to grow my faith in him you will have to explain to him why you went from being in training to be a pastor to giving that up to be bisexual and being a relationship with a guy. He's the only one that can judge you I can't and nobody else can.

  • Glad to hear you've moved into accepting who you are. I'm seeing a lot of hate from people here, though. Now I'm not Christian, but from what I hear, some men love women some men love men, some men love men or women, God loves everybody. Live your life, and if you get worried about Hell again, there's always deathbed repentance! Though I don't see how being who you are can really be a sin.

  • Wow, this was an incredible read. Thanks for sharing your story! :) Really happy for you! And I wish you the best.

    • Thanks! 😋

  • happy to see you back ladsin :)

    • good to see you too!

  • Are you kidding me? My biggest gag crush is never gonna be into me? Devastation doesn't even cover it.

    • Lol I'm only half gay! I am so into you XP

    • YES I am so gassed rn

    • That means happy if you Americans didn't know

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  • when i was locked up the biggest homophobes were always the ones who talked the biggest game about all the pussy they got on the outside, and you'd find out got caught banging some dude in a bathroom stall. the most violent bullies, every one of them, closet fags. honestly i wouldn't be surprised if it turned out every gay dude was only ever oppressed by other gay dudes who were trying hard to mask how in the closet they are with physical violence

    • There is research that shows that the more homophobic someone is the more likely they are to be attracted to the same sex...

  • Great take man. It's so rare that someone goes through such a life altering transformation like that. It takes a lot of courage to question our deepest convictions and even more to notice confirmation bias or self denial. Respect bro.

    • Haha thanks bro

    • It's not so much a transformation, but, like OP has put it, a realisation.

    • @BruceJender right I didn't mean anything negative by that.

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  • I don't get why it has to be evolution vs creationsism. I've heard of creationists arguing that god caused evolution so why not use what science gives you.
    The smartest creationists have said that "science is a means of explaining god's work".
    Same thing goes for homosexuality. Religion doesn't have to be dogmatic and just say "being gay is wrong" but could address the underlying causes and underline the fact that it is a birth defect. That doesn't mean it has to be discriminated against, but at the same time blind acceptance is also unhealthy. More study is required.

    You went through quite a transformation and all I can say is I hope you are happy since that is all that matters in the end.

    • One of the greatest Paleontolgists of our time and throughout history is a devout christian, Robert Bakker. Seriously this guy knows his dinosaurs. Also has an awesome beard. His Logic is why most Paleontolgists believe dinosaurs to have been Warm-blooded.

    • I am happy lol. And evolution being "god's work" is evolution not creationism. And many christians admit evolution is real. But that was just a big thing for me because I learned that even the christians lied

  • Jesus himself never spoke on Homosexuality.
    My thoughts on god are summed up by this
    Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
    5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
    6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
    7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
    8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
    9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
    10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    God doesn't care if you are gay or not, He loves you. I think that god treats Gay couples just as he treats any other people in love.
    The Sin of Sodom was not Homosexuality but rudeness to Strangers or as I put it ONLY FIVE PEOPLE IN AN ENTIRE CITY WEREN'T TOTAL ASSHOLES.
    I live near boston and boston has at least a hundred thousand non-assholes.
    This city had FIVE. Think about it. It boggles my mind. Again I live just outside of freaking BOSTON. Sodom was like an a whole new level of asshole.

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