Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Love, Not Time Heals All Wounds; 10 Tips to Help a Rape Victim Through Their Crisis!

Love, Not Time Heals All Wounds; 10 Tips to Help a Rape Victim Through Their Crisis.

For any victim of sexual assault, it was probably the most traumatic experience of their life!

9 Years ago, I was violently raped, and it was undoubtedly the worst thing that ever happened to me. My head was full of thoughts like "why did this happen to me" and "what did I do to deserve this?" After it happened, I felt numb and confused. But thankfully I had my brother to turn to and trust me when I say this, it made all the difference in the world. In these most trying of times, having someone by their side can be absolutley critical for victims of rape and sexual assault. Had I not had my borther to get me through the hell I lived through in the wake of the attack, I would have resorted to drugs at best and suicide at worst. But apart from being there, how the person the rape victim comes to as a source of comfort treats her can make all the difference in the world. So here are tips for how you can help a friend or loved one who is a victim of sexual assault to get through this difficult time.

1. Create a peaceful atmosphere

Remember, she was just violated in about the worst way possible. Do what you can to create an atmosphere of serenity. Some things you can do are dim the lights, play peaceful music, light scented candles, run a hot bath for her, bring her a blanket or a cup of tea. After such a traumatic event befell a person, hardly anything can be more beneficial than a tranquil and serene enviornment.

2. Remember that it is NEVER the victims fault

Skimpy clothes and walking around alone at night aren't responsible for rape. Rapists cause rape. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not against educating women on ways to lessen their chances of getting raped. But just as responsibility for murder only lies with the murderer, responsibility for rape. Also, NEVER aske her if she liked it (she didn't), NEVER ask if she had an orgasm (it means nothing if she did) and NEVER tell her what she could have done to avoid it (if we could have avoided it we would have). Also, if she didn't fight back it in no way meant that she consented. Many victims (including myself) didn't fight back for fear of being hurt more. Unfortunatley, when my attacker was done he beat me so bad I couldn't walk and then threw me out in the cold :'(

3. Don't tell her that you don't believe her

The biggest fear a rape victim has about coming fourth is that people won't believe her. Now, I've seen a lot of varying statstics saying how many rape claims are honest from 98 to 60% and I am aware that some people will throw out rape accusations to tarnish the image of others. The sad truth is we just don't know. However, if someone who claimed she was raped comes to you for comfort and it later turned out she lied, then you can later tell her that what she did was unacceptable and she will expereince the consequences of making such and accusation in the form of having your trust in her broken. However if she was telling the truth and you didn't beleive her then you'll make her feel even more alone and isolated when she did nothing to deserve it. So when dealing with the victim all claims of rape are authentic until proven otherwise. Now you may ask, isn't the alleged perpetrator guilty until proven innocent? Like I said, people will throw out rape accusations to tarnish another persons' image, but it's your place to comfort the victim, not to exact justice on the perpetrator.

4. Don't go and try to retaliate against her attacker

If the victims your SO, a female relative or a close friend, you may feel tempted to retaliate against her attacker. There are three reasons why you should never do this.

1: I don't care what kind of martial arts training you say you have, you're not superman and if someone is willing to rape he may very well be willing to use deadly force in self defense. You can get badly hurt or even killed. Many rape victims often suffer from feelings of guilt and something like this happening will make her feel ten times worse.

2. Even if you do beat the crap out of him, he can use that as leverage. What I mean by that is he can threaten to press assualt charges against you if the victim trys to press charges against him.

3. You physically assulting him isn't going to undo what he did to the victim and she will feel much better knowing that you're safe. Instead of going off and trying to avenge the victim, stay with her and tell her that you will stand by her and let her know that if anyone else is going to lay a finger on her that they'll have to get through you first. In other words, don't tell her how much you hate her attacker, show her how much you love her <3

5. Remember, she is still the person that you love and care for

Even though her behavior might have changed, the victim is still the same person that you've grown to love and care for over the years, she's just been hurt in the worst way possible. Don't avoid her like she has the plague (she in all probability doesn't). Don't tell her how this wouldn't happen to you (trust me, we didn't think that we'd ever become statistics either). And have enough respect not to pitty her.

6. When it comes to your physical relationship with her, expect the unexpected

I feel all to often people make a blanket statement that rape victims are afraid of physical contact, but in reality, being raped can impact one's physical relationships in a variety of ways. Shortly after their attack, nearly all rape victims will be afraind of physical contact with people they aren't close to and sexually suggestive forms of physical contact. But when it comes to their close friends and loved ones, their reaction to physical contact can vary greatly. I remember when a friend of mine in high school was raped, I instinctivley put my hand on her shoulder to comfort her and she shrunk away. After I was raped in college, I spent two weeks at my brothers' appartment and I was hysterical unless he was holding me. The best advice is don't touch her unless she asks for or initiates the physical contact. So if she's your girlfriend and afraid of you touching her, she isn't rejecting you, it's just that her experience made her uncomfortable. However, on the same tolken, if the victim is say your sister and she asks if she can cuddle or sleep with you, don't think that's it's somehow innapropriate or let it make you feel uncomfortable. Her mind isn't "screwed up" by the experience and she isn't developing any kind of attraction to you; it's just that she was wronged in the worst way possible but she loves you and feels safe with you. If she wants you to hold her, here's some tips to make her feel secure and relaxed without being suggestive: hold her firmly but gently by the waist, take long, deep breaths with her, pet her hair, rub her back and tuck her head under your chin.

7. Talk to her as much as she is comfortable with

Talking with someone they trust can be very helpful for rape victims. Be receptive of what she's saying and you may ask for more details BUT if she tells you she's not comfortable talking about that aspect, don't probe deeper or try to persuade you to tell her. That will just make her more uncomfortable. Also, if you think it's hard for you to talk about what happened to the victim with her, just know that it's far harder for her to talk about. BUT quite often, it's the only way she can handle and make sense of what happened to her. The best analogy I can come up with for what it feels like is popping a deep pimpal. Yeah, it's painful but you feel better after it's done. However, don't claim to know how she feels (you don't unless you're a victim yourself) or pretend to be a psychiatrist (you're not). If she asks questions answer them to the best of your knowledge and if you don't know, just say so. It's OK not to know and often just being there is enough for her.

8. Be careful of flashbacks

Rape is just about the most traumatic thing anyone could experience and the time immediatley afterward feels like hell on earth. Many things can cause a victim to expereince a flashback. For one, whatever you do don't sneak up on her (that's begging for a flashback). Also, violence on the TV or even lound noises can trigger flashbacks. When, a rape victim has a flashback, she is actually reliving the event and thinks it's actually happening. If she experiences a flashback, know how to ground her. Don't freak out and start screaming yourself because that will make it worse. Talk to her softly, tell her that what she's experiencing is a flashback and the attacker isn't actually there. Then tell her to take deep breaths, and describe the surroundings to you. That will help her remind her of where she is and get her back into the physical world as opposed to the one of her memory. Also, don't get mad if a flashback occurs because trust me, WE HATE THOSE PIECE OF S#!T THINGS TO!!!

9. Encourage her to go to the police and counseling

If there's one thing I regret most in life, it's not reporting my attacker to the police. Every day I wonder if others fell victim to him because I didn't report it and I'm often riddled with guilt. Gently encourage the victim to report the attack and disuade her from bathing (and literally washing evidence down the drain) but don't press them too hard to report it. Trust me, I know that it will put others at risk if not reported but pushing her to report it isn't going to help. But also encourage her to go to counseling and if she wants, go with her to her first appointment. Also, don't tell her to get over it or just put it out of her mind (believe me, we would if we could). Trust me, counseling works miracles.

10. If she's your girlfriend, don't think you won't ever have a sex life with her again

She will probably be very uneasy of the prospect of having sex in the near future (especially if she was a virgin when attacked) but with proper counseling she will learn to have a fulfilling sex life and meaningful relationships. She will again enjoy the energy-filled passionate nights, but rough sex will make it unpleasent for her, so you just have to be gentle and tender with her.

0 2

Most Helpful Guy

  • I have known some rape victims and it was traumatic for them. I was there
    as a good friend and a sounding board and I was glad that I did. However, I've never been romantically involved with a rape victim and I don't think I could be,
    Any relationship that I enter into will be sexual within a month. I don't have patience for any longer than a month. From what I've seen rape victims have a tough time with sexual relationships. It's not their fault, but frankly I'm not going to pay an emotional debt that I didn't create. I don't have to. Trust me, most men feel tis way.

    • Yeah, I think sexually speaking I open up faster than most rape victims but that's because I only date guys I have known for a while beforehand so I already trust them. For many rape victims their experience shatters their sense of trust but for me it didn't (probably because even though I knew my attacker, I was never on good terms). But still it takes longer for me to open up sexually than most girls. I will however be super affectionate and always want to cuddle because the attack left me with some anxiety issues. It's weird the way the rape impacted me. I feel really uncomfortable with being touched by strangers (even a handshake) but with people that I know and trust (even if I'm not in a relationship with them) I always like to snuggle up with and be held by them because I love the sense of security that it gives me.

    • I understand this. Rape is horrendous, no question. I helped two female friends of mine get through it. They both helped me through a very nasty, ugly breakup so I felt the need to help them. Some nights they would call me hysterical to come over and cuddle them. Nothing sexual of course and I did. Other times we'd talk until sunrise. Finally they got professional help and were able to have somewhat normal relationships. Oddly, the same man raped both of them, He wrapped his Corvette around a telephone pole whereupon said Corvette exploded and he was a crispy critter ! What goes around comes around.

    • Yeah, I remember when I stayed with my brother, every night I refused to sleep unless my head was tucked under his chin and his arms were wrapped around my body.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I almost teared up a little reading this when I realized you were a victim. I hope you're moving forward.

    Good take, I just think that you shouldn't have used female pronouns- anyone can be a rape victim.

    • You're right, my mistake.

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

What Girls & Guys Said

10 21

  • Wow, this take was heavy, but it was very well said and very insightful.

    Thanks for using your knowledge to help others. ☺️

  • I thought this take was really good and it's I'm glad to hear that you have moved past your trauma and that there are people to support rape victims.
    But there was one big, huge MASSIVE problem with it for me... Whenever you referred to victims you said "she" or "her" and whenever referring to attackers it was "him" or "he".
    This take was really good apart from the fact that you didn't recognise that men can be rape victims and women can be attackers... That is my only qualm... Otherwise, good take!

    • What is wrong with you people?

    • @SilenRose What's wrong? Why do you think I'm a liar for saying men can be rape victims? We can't just brush male victims under the carpet.

    • I didn't, I wasn't speaking from expertise but from experience and given that I'm a girl I know what helped me get through my crisis. But (contrary to what ultra feminists say) men and womens' brains do work differently. I'm not saying that it would be any less traumatic for them, I'm just saying they might have different needs.

    • Show All

  • It breaks my heart to heart such a story. Somewhere much anger also pain of what you must have felt and still feel. For all the women also out there who go through such horror. The carriers of love attacked with such evil hatred.
    More than physical the inner touch is where only love can heal. I don't know you but I want to tell you that you are very loveable for even opening up like this. It is good for the world to know. You are helping others understand and hopefully your wounds be healed completely. Only love can mend it all for you. Allow it to come to you as well.
    I'm really glad for you that you have such a brother. I only know that if it was 9 years ago I would have maybe even killed the guy if I were him. Which would have brought u more pain in the end.
    The only difference there is to make to understand you and help you find light again in darkness. Turn to love as much as you can, love for yourself, love for little things, love for people in general. Someone will come and take away all the pain.

  • This is a very good Take!

    I was raped on my bday when i was 13yo by a 17yo guy i was crushing on. I was so ashamed, i didn't tell anyone for almost a week, but finally did coz i had some bleeding that wouldn't stop. It was too late for a rape test.

    My mom said i made it up and i was just lying to cover up i had sex to lose my V Card.

    Then on my 14th bday, the same guy and a friend raped me again, this time for 2 or 3 hours AND the friend burned and scarred me in my privates and both breasts with a red hot cigar!

    This time i was hurt so bad, even after i tried to hide it for 3 days, my step dad took me to the hospital. Again no proof coz it was too late. The town we lived in has a lot of wealthy people and since my mom once again said it was my fault for spreading my legs for boys, and i got what i deserved, nothing happened to the boys.

    My stepdad even went to their house, but he came home with a black eye and split lip.

    The only way i made it through both these times, was the love of my stepdad! He held me, comforted me, basically was there to make sure i had some one that believed me and made sure i knew he CARED! My mom still claims i brought on myself.

    Many times, i just sat in his lap and needed to be held. My mom got mad a lot over this. And yes, esp after the 14yo rape, i hatd all men! Except my stepdad. I lost track of the number of times my stepdad would lay on top of the covers when i went to bed, letting me rest my head on his lap or chest until i fell asleep.

    And yes, it scarred me emotionally! From age 14 to age 17, i basically was a lesbian. I was terrified of being touched my boys. I took solace and love in the arms of girls.

    Lastly, i had physical scars on both my breasts and vaj area. About 3 to 4 months after the rape, my stepdad took me to a plastic surgeon, I had like 6 or 7 surgeries to fix/remove the scar tissue that was forming. (basically i had burns all over my breasts, both nipples the guy had "ground" his red hot cigar out on them, he had burned my inner and outer labia, and the worst was he repeatedly ground his cigar out on my clitoris.)

    My mom ended up divorcing my stepdad over this and other stuff. She told me it was a waste of money to have that surgery AND the scars should be my reminder that i am a whore and with them, no good man would want me. God was punishing me for being a wanton whore and having sex with boys!

    So, i really love your Take. It was right on the money!

    • Your mom sounds like a pretentious victim-blaming pile of excrement😶

    • Your mom is disgusting what a horrible thing to happen what a strong person to survive

    • Your mom is lying to herself. She doesn't know God at all. She demonstrates the opposite of His character. She's done you an even worse crime than those scumbags did, and deserves to have a booming voice say that to her face, and then hit her with a sledgehammer when she protests and tell her to shut up, that she showed you no pity and will get none herself.

    • Show All

  • When I first told my mum about her partner sexually assaulting me she asked if I was sure it really happened. I told her the first time I convinced myself it was a dream and she clung onto that like a lifeline. She was desperate for me to have mistaken a dream for reality.

    Mum had been raped as a child by her uncle and her mum had slapped her and called her a liar when she told her about it.

    Mum didn't do much better when I told her. She told me that our family takes sexual assault very seriously due it having happened to quite a few members of our family and I shouldn't throw the word around.
    By definition I was sexually assaulted. To mum that definition meant nothing. I wasn't sexually assaulted, because despite myself I did like it a little. Not once did I consent. Though I never said no either. I was afraid to.
    He was touching me in a very sexual way without my consent and I did not enjoy it. That is sexual assault.

    I wasn't the one that got counselling. He did. The only reason I have counselling is because I told my GP what happened and she set the appointment up. He wasn't the one who was kicked out. I was.
    I was kicked out for being sexually assaulted, and the one who did it still shares a bed with my mum. He still lives in that fucking house, living it up, while I'm sitting here wondering how I can be so disposable.

    Dad was able to let me go. Mum pretty much kicked me out. And my grandparents are becoming tired of my lack of concentration and threatening to send me back to my dad.

    I have to make sure he's not there before I visit mum. I can't look at him. I can't visit my mother willy nilly because that bastard is still there. Feeding off mums unwillingness to feed him to the dogs.

    Nobody knows what happened to me. And those who do treat it like it never happened.
    Because it didn't happen. I simply dreamed it up, didn't I?
    I mean fuck. I haven't seen my mum in nine years and when I finally get my dream of living with her she's dating an imbecile with a thing for underage girls.

    It will never happen to me.

    Guess what? It did.

    I didn't mean to share so much but. Thanks for writing this take. I really hope it helps some people get through.

    And for those complaining about the take owner writing 'she' there is such thing as a sub-conscious mind. This is where most people write from. The sub-conscious mind doesn't care for who else it happens to, it cares for who it did happen to. That's why she wrote 'she'.

    • A real mother would look for evidence, play detective, and find out what's going on. But yeah, you should have run for help sooner. Your mom simply refuses to accept reality, and has made you a casualty of her desire to believe a lie. And your grandparents have little love in their hearts either, or else they would not say such things.

    • she may be really dependent on him, so she may not have been able to leave... not that that's an excuse for such horrific behavior. u sound really tough and I'm happy you escape d. Ur almost 18 so ur grandparents won't be able to force u into anything soon.

    • I am really sorry about your experience, and thank you for the courage to share it with us. I have had a similar experience in that how abuse is generational and either denied or excused. For me, the abuse wasn't denied, it was minimized and dismissed, having been compared immediately to HER suffering as a child like it was some kind of pissing contest. It's absolutely crushing when it's someone who ostensibly loves you does this to you.

  • This was a great take. Thanks for sharing your experience, as difficult as it must be.
    I was raped when I was 18. I was out with my friends, and they abandoned me when a guy spiked my drink and took me home. I consider myself lucky, it wasn't violent, and I don't remember much. No one believed me afterwards, and I spent months convincing myself it didn't happen, that I was just drunk, and that I liked him. Problem was, I wasn't, and I didn't even know who he was. Then months later, I found out I'd caught an STI, and that it did significant damage to my reproductive organs.
    I didn't have anyone to turn to after the rape. My 'friends' laughed at me, and didn't believe me, and I was too scared to tell my family, because I thought they'd be angry at me for putting myself in that position. And I was right, they were.
    Having someone to talk to would have made things so much less scary.

    • Yeah, it can be hard when people don't believe you. That's why I addressed why you should believe the victim. I remember my attacker told said "if you be a good girl and don't fight back, I won't hurt you" so I just let him have his way with me. But when he was he beat me so bad I couldn't even walk and then he (literally) threw me outside in 30 degree whether with barley anything on :'( . My brother never doubted my claim but I think he could tell something was awry when I showed up at his door in that condition.

  • A good take. I might use it as a template to write a spear counterpart.

  • Thank you. Thank you so much. I was raped when I was 13 and I get horrible flashbacks and nightmares, hopefully people will read this any at least try to understand.

    • I know it's hard sweetie, I remember it was the most traumatic experience of my life. But while it will always be a part of my past, I know that if let it ruin my life he'll have won. I hope you find a partner who you feel safe and comfortable around.

  • Great myTake. It's unfortunate you have to deal with these users who say "males get raped too". Yeah we know but you didn't write this myTake did you? The only time I saw a myTake written on male rape was by a female user. Never a male. But they still come on a myTake about rape written by a female user posting "males get raped too". Completely ignoring the message and personal story at hand. You don't have to apologize to them.

    • Agreed.

  • A very good take, but I must sound off about number 3.

    I would never outright say to someone that I didn't believe her if she claims to be raped. However, if I disagree with her about what constitutes rape, I will say so (I don't believe in coddling people who don't take responsibility for sex they later regret, and some women I've met believe that regrettable sex is rape... by that definition I've been raped). If it turns out that she has lied, I would end the friendship immediately and tell her what a despicable person I think she is. I use terms like "unacceptable" for failure to turn in homework on time. I use terms like "evil" and "despicable" for people who murder or lie about other people committing crimes. Lying about rape is far worse than being merely "unacceptable." Let's call it what it really is. It's evil.

    • The outcomes for men falsely accused of rape are most often worse than the outcomes for women who are actually raped. And not even by a little bit.

    • @Transigence I won't enter into a debate on who has it worse.

  • You bringing out your story here is much appreciated. I think you're very brave.

  • I am sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for sharing your experience with the world -- it takes a lot of courage. And from the look of things, sadly, you'll get more understanding from complete strangers than you would from your own family. At first I was all, "Men get raped, too." But after looking at the comments this has been addressed already, and so I understand why you wrote the way you did.

  • When I was assaulted I didn't want to be touched by ANYONE for nearly 2 years. I was an absolute touch freak with extremely violent reactions to anyone putting their hands on me. As a male victim of female rapists I was de facto not believed, when I did reach out for help I was laughed at and hung up on (rape crises phone line volunteer staff by NOW) I realize that this was the early 80s and things have changed now, but the reason why you got such negative response by men is for years we were simply not believed, minimized, or ignored. This is a great take, and I'm glad you feel strong enough to come forward. Good take.

    • Thank you for speaking up.

    • @Transigence your welcome.

    • I understand your point. Men do get raped in fact. Thanks for sharing your experience my friend

    • Show All

  • Love can indeed heal all wounds.

  • I think no 9 should be no 1. I'd hate to think a person like that is getting away.

    • It wasn't in any specific order of sequence or priority

  • Great take. I wasn't raped but I was emotionally abused for a year. I also wrote a take about emotional abuse and how to cope. So sorry you had to go through that. :(

    Also I wish people would stop bringing up the fact that men get raped too. I am sure you know that already and apologized for it. People also attacked me for something similar. when I wrote about my struggles with body shaming, and got mad because I didn't bring up men's issues too. You are writing from personal experience so you wouldn't know what make victims have went through.

    Anyway thank you for writing this.

    • "Also I wish people would stop bringing up the fact that men get raped too." Ugh. Just fucking ugh. When the world rightly recognizes and supports male victims of rape and sexual assault, and maybe writes about rape without the gendered perspective, then maybe we can shut up about it. But until the ACTUAL male rape victims have services in proportion to their need on par with women, we will never shut up about it. And we will take "Men need to shut up about being raped," for exactly what it sounds like.

    • @Transigence "I am sure you know that already and apologized for it." Which she did, and she did multiple times. If you want a take about male rape victims, then write one yourself. It would be interesting to read. I'm sure she is tired of being attacked for leaving them out. She didn't know and she was writing based off of what happened to her. And I did not tell you to shut up, I was simply saying that she knows what she did was wrong, and she apologized for leaving you guys out multiple times.

    • Yes, and I eventually simmered down after going through the opinions. I started off at the top, "BUT MEN GET RAPED, TOO!" and by the bottom it was just about expressing sorry for other people's suffering and thanking them for sharing. I left it out of my own opinion. But you have to understand that there are a legion of walking wounded men who have been marginalized institutionally (in ways that women have not), who are going to be hypersensitive to statements like, "... stop bringing up the fact that..."

    • Show All

  • I'm so, so, so, sorry about what happened to you. I really hope you are okay

    • I suffered from PTSD for about 2 years, but I still have General Anxiety Disorder :(

    • Mental illness is a bitch, I know I've got major depressive disorder. Look at it this way every day you breath is a victory over your attacker

    • I really hope you are okay

    • Show All

  • 11. Tell her the good sides about it.

    Well, at least the rapist thought that you were attractive, that's why he raped you. :)

    • WTF is wrong with you? #misogynistictrollfail

    • 12. Ask her if he used protection If not, buy her emergency contraception. Anything to make her happy.

    • 13. (and the best one) say "It's okay, I forgive you."

    • Show All

  • Men get raped too.

    • I know, I realized that I mad that mistake :(

    • Inconsideration to the maximum

    • Okay, so I was writing an opinion and apparently the text field is gone. Did you block me? Okay, I'll go with yes. Why should I feel sorry for you that you've been raped if you are inconsiderate of men getting raped anyway?

    • Show All

  • Why the constant usage of "her"? Plenty of rape victims are male, it happens a lot more often than you may think.

    Should've named the take "10 tips to help female rape victims".

    • It's a mix of both a stereotype and personal experience pushing out the idea that it happens to men too. This is quite plainly a well meaning piece written from her sub-conscious. I'm not saying she doesn't know what she wrote or that she doesn't believe it happens to men too, I'm simply saying that writing 'she' is a default in this context. I wouldn't get too upset, I understand where you're coming from, but as this isn't a professional piece you have to make allowances.

  • Show More (11)
Home >  Sexual Relationships  > Love, Not Time Heals All Wounds; 10 Tips to Help a Rape Victim Through Their Crisis!