Finally-why "The Number" matters to many men

[Anonymous]

A sequel to mytake "Women, remember: your body, your choice, your decision, your responsibility!"

So, if you have been on this website, or dated, or watched tv... you know that when it comes to relationships, many men in fact care about the number of sex partners the woman has had. Dare I say, a majority of women do not care about a men's count, due to their nature, so they are utterly baffled at why many men actually care when it comes to a relationship. (50/50 split on men's side?)

I shall attempt to convey what is going on in our minds.

1. Yes. Ego. Ego is a definite factor, no denying. We do want to be THE man for you. We want to be your Johnny Cage.

Maybe that is bad, you might think. I would argue that a proper ego, a decent measure of pride, drives many of us to greater things. After all, how many of us are too prideful to accept a lousy lot in life, and hence, our ego drives us to work harder, to keep job hunting, to become at least somewhat successful career wise? Either way. We realize that if we are partner two or three for you, we are much more likely to be your Johnny, as opposed to being your partner 37 and being this guy.

As he so aptly put it when the hot, slutty waitress finally agreed to marry him, "Noo! You're just saying that because it's a good choice! I'm like the boring bran muffin you pick instead of a pop tart because it's high in fiber! I want to be something exciting, not the boring health food!"

Reason 2. Insecurity. Ah, yes. We are afraid you'll be fantasizing about someone with a bigger dick or someone who choked you during sex and really got you off. Problem is, you might be. According to one random study that I include solely because it backs up what we worry, 52% of polled married women say the sex was better with an ex. https://nypost.com/2012/11/25/nobody-marries-their-best-sex-ever/

Who wants to be that boring husband that gets duty sex for hanging curtains from a woman was formerly having wild screaming sex with a guy she met an hour earlier in the club?

Reason 3. Divorce/Loss of Power. The instinct part of our brain tells us that if a woman has had lots of sex with lots of men, habits conitnue and she won't stick around. For men, divorce is a bad prospect. It is upsetting, and it is a common threatpoint, as many of us learned from our own mothers. When you are just dating a woman, you can ditch her if she gets miserable. If you are married and the higher earner? Divorce is a sword hanging over our heads, making us powerless. That is why cohabitation, then marriage, leads to divorce. In cohabitation, the woman knows that if she becomes unpleasant, the man can leave at little cost. In marriage, the woman knows that man can only leave at severe cost.

Having that threatpoint taking away our equal power makes men feel like.

Thing also is, studies back up our fear. The more partners a woman has had, the more likely she is to get a divorce. (As the legend goes, virgin brides/brides who only slept with the man they married, in the USA are the most loyal on average) And the majority of divorces in the USA are not due to cheating, physical abuse, or being a drug addict.

https://socialpathology.blogspot.com/2010/09/sexual-partner-divorce-risk.html

In summary, these reasons above are the main reasons why many relationship/marriage minded men in the USA ask, and care, about the woman's partner count, despite most women not caring about the man's sexual history, despite suggestions of people like myself that they should.

[Anonymous]

Number matter because:
1. Women are less able to love/peer bond the more partners they have.
2. STD risk increases.
3. You don't want to be that nigga who goes out and bumps into a guy who nudes of your girl and memories of your girl on her knees taking his load down her throat.

Everything else you mentioned.

[myTake Owner]

well, i was trying to keep is classy, but definitely agree.

[redeyemindtricks]

I married my holy shit wet dream how is this possibly happening to ME best sex ever. After almost 15 years of marriage, it just gets hotter. And hotter.

And he was the best out of... well, a lot. LOL

[kap_nss]

You are lucky. But anyone with some experience dating people know it's more likely you won't marry your "best sex". It can happens but it isn't usual.

[redeyemindtricks]

@kap_nss You're right, of course, but most people also don't understand the kind of upfront effort that's needed to KEEP "best sex" good. That shit can fade fast, if you don't put work into keeping it hot. I mean, "effort" and "work" are words that have the wrong connotations, here, because these things don't feel like effort and work -- they're absolutely exhilarating. It's the best "work" you'll ever get, lol. But, if people have this starry-eyed idea that best sex = automatically best sex forever, then they're just being stupid. I mean, really, as long as yr not just totally, horribly sexually incompatible with someone, it's likely that the two of you can work yr way up very close to the top of each other's "best sex" lists -- even if those are long long lists. Like, really. Sex is, or at least should be, better in a long-term relationship. And that's as true for people with absurdly high numbers as it is for people with numbers closer to the mean.

[kap_nss]

I know what you mean, trust me. In my own experience I had put a lot of effort in improving and even when I made some advances, I couldn't meet my goal. I've explained my problem in a question you can see in my profile. Long story short: I'd love to last enough as for giving my girlfriend an orgasm during intercourse. At first I was way too quick and now I can last a little longer but not even near to have her orgasm. And (I regret this, but) I know she usually did with her friend with benefits.

[BellePepper]

So what you're saying is that we shouldn't have sex so you feel like your penis feels better. That's so sad. Like if you are SO insecure in your relationship that you're worried about any competition ever, you need to speak with a professional because that is not a healthy adult emotion.

[myTake Owner]

Given that women file the majority of divorces, clearly women need counseling on maintaining relationships.

[BellePepper]

Being jealous of other people's penises is probably contributing to divorces too. How would you feel if your wife was convinced she was so awful that the only way she could get you to stay with her was if she was the only woman other than your mother you knew and she kept you away from any female relationships because she was worried about you liking other women more? Would that make you happy in the relationship?

[myTake Owner]

This is what we call a strawman argument. This article hardly argues no hymen no diamond.

[BellePepper]

No that's what you're saying you want from your future wife because your penis is insecure and jealous.

[myTake Owner]

See what we have here, readers, is a typical upset female reaction. This article is basically explaining the male stance of why promiscuous women aren't wife material. And evidently this lady does not meet the standard of "has not slept around with 12 men" that the article says. And because she cannot really object to the reasons listed, she then attacks any man who would agree with the article as insecure. So if you don't find her wifey material, you must be insecure.

[jacquesvol]

@BellePepper One of the points is the age old "virgins can't compare" which calms many insecure men.

[BellePepper]

@jacquesvol exactly. I think it's so sad that guys are so torn up about their sexuality that way. Like we all hve room to improve in all aspects of our lives and relationships.

[kap_nss]

@BellePepper You sound like men choose to be insecure. I guess insecurities (which we all have) are not something we choose or feel comfortable with. Believe me if I could turn my insecurities off by pressing a button I would be here writing this. The article itself present insecurity as one (not the only one) cause of men caring about "the number". You are picking that as the single reason, but it isn't. The point is we can't change how most men feel. And doesn't matter how mad you get about our insecurities. They are here to stay. And they can make our life as hell.

[BellePepper]

@kap_nss No one chooses to be insecure. But a healthy person recognizes that they're insecure and works on that problem within themselves instead of trying to blame it on other people. If you always blame other people for making you insecure instead of accepting it as your personal problem, you are never going to get better. You are always going to be angry and sad and miserable. Do you think anyone deserves that? Because I don't. If a guy really thinks like this he. Needs. Help.

[kap_nss]

@BellePepper The article says men care about the number because of their own insecurities (2) and their own need to compete (1). I don't see how this is blaming women. The text say nothing about how to solve this, actually.

[BellePepper]

@kap_nss he's getting angry at women for those things instead of saying "oh this is MY problem and **I** need to be fix it" Personal responsibility is a thing.

[kap_nss]

Well, those are his comments. Not the article itself. I think the article is fair. I don't subscribe all of his comments.

[BellePepper]

@kap_nss So you're saying you agree with me but you're arguing with me anyway. Delightful.

[kap_nss]

No. I was arguing you because I found your criticism wrong as for what the article says. But now you say you were talking about his comments. I agree with the article mostly and, like I said before, I don't think the article blames anyone. If the author is blaming women in his comments, well, it isn't what his article say. I haven't read all his comments.

[BellePepper]

@kap_nss wow so much time could have been saved.

[kap_nss]

:D I guess so. But yet it's good for clarification.

[kap_nss]

I don't think you can blame your girlfriend for your own insecurities. But it doesn't mean you can't blame her for her own mistakes. I'm going through a hard time myself, very related to this subject. I don't blame her for having had sex with several guys. I rather blame me for haven't done that and I regret it a lot. Yet I'm mad at her for giving me too many details about her sexual past even when I didn't want to know.

[BellePepper]

@kap_nss How is having a healthy sex life a mistake? If you don't want to know then don't ask. Pretty simple.

[kap_nss]

You assumed I was talking about her sex life when I said mistakes, and you are wrong. You say I should't ask but I actually asked my girlfriend not to tell me about her past and she did anyway. Maybe you should read my last comment again because your last reply makes no sense.

[BellePepper]

@kap_nss I read what you wrote. If you chose to be unclear it's not my problem. If you don't like when people tell you things you don't want to hear then tell them you don't want to know or move on without them.

[kap_nss]

When I saw you reply that day, I read my comment again. Just to be sure. And I know what I wrote. But you can quote any of my comments and point out the specific places where: 1) I said the her mistakes were what she did in her past. 2) Where I said I asked her for details about her past. I'm going to quote myself from the comment just before you accused me of asking things I didn't want to hear. "I actually asked my girlfriend not to tell me about her past and she did anyway". There is no possible misunderstanding of this sentence. You know comments can't be edited. I have to assume you didn't read my comment.

[BellePepper]

@kap_nss Dude I read it and I told you to communicate better about how you didn't want to hear it or move on in the future. Considering this entire discussion started because you were disagreeing with agreeing with me... I'm not so sure my communication is the problem.

[kap_nss]

If you were right, you would quote me. The truth is you can't show me where I wrote those statements because there is no such thing in my comments. But your pride is too high. :D Whatever...

[BellePepper]

@kap_nss Lol I'm on mobile. I'm not going through this entire thread for you to tell me you said whatever thing. Not my problem bro.

[kap_nss]

Any excuse is a good excuse. Lol.

[BellePepper]

@kap_nss I'm so glad you agree :)

[kap_nss]

What happens actually is some girls are oversensitive to this subject. I know many guys are too sexist or want to blame women for their own problems. But we are not all the same. Your reply showed prejudgment. For some reason you were unable to accept it. I started thinking you were right when discussing with the myTake owner. But at the end you made me feel he was right: "See what we have here, readers, is a typical upset female reaction." (myTake Owner) I think you read my comments waiting for something you would be upset about. You didn't find it and you made it up. It was your need. I understand. On my part I like to go into arguments (friendly) but I don't like when someone accuses me for saying something I didn't say. I think that's cheating.

[BellePepper]

@kap_nss Dang bro. That's a lot of talking for a lot of my not caring

[nalaa]

Ok so what I get is that you don't want someone else to be better than you. But why not work on actually being better in bed?
If you're confident in that it seems you'd never have to worry to about what you described and even if you never get confident, everyone still benefits. From what I hear a lot of men are not good in bed and have no idea what women want and you're saying, they know it. So why not actually try to do better? Being her best is not a matter of chance

[myTake Owner]

are you asking what i think most relationship type men would reply, or me personally?

[nalaa]

well both I guess

[myTake Owner]

Firstly, that's part of the issue. Second, from what I've seen, it's literally often the bad guys that get girls off the most. Alpha fucks, beta bucks. It's the dark triad the literally turns many women on the most. It's like, Emma Watson declaring she had a crush on the guy who played Malfoy. Or for another example, 50 shades of grey, one of the top 10 best selling series in human history. The man is literally a damaged, controlling, dangerous, psychotic guy who treats her like an object. And that made 570 million dollars in theaters. It is quite often those men, the literal thugs and bad men, who leave women damaged. Alpha windows, as we call them. I had a gorgeous, sweet classmate who was so. Her ex was a thug who dumped her on a whim, and she pined for him for 3 years before having a new boyfriend. You can improve in bed, but that does not solve the mental aspect that bad exes leave on women.

[nalaa]

Now you're raising an entirley different point. Why do you care if girls go with bad boys? You just want to be her best and if all her exes are douchebags it's safe to assume they didn't care much for her pleasure and hence were crappy lovers.

Now I don't know him personally but it seems to me that the guy who played Malfoy is actually quite a nice guy.

24.media.tumblr.com/.../...rpkSK51s6pq7oo1_500.gif

And I've only skimmed over the first 50 shades book but well essentially he is a rich, handsome millionaire who desires just her. He asks if she's ok at every turn and has a safeword, he cares for her, what's there not to like?

[nalaa]

Also if johnny galecki in the picture you linked is trying imitate ariana grande, it's working

media1.popsugar-assets.com/.../...7477.xxlarge.jpg

[Araya]

1) You don't know if the majority of women don't care. Many women do and just as many don't. Same as men.

2) A woman doesn't need to have plenty of partners to be thinking of someone else in bed.

3) That's not "instinct" nor is it common sense. There are many reasons why women sleep around and it's not always because she's looking for the next best challenge. So for any guy to assume this would tell me that he's irrational.

Men do the same thing for multiple reasons.

I disagree with this MyTake.

[myTake Owner]

1. I am very certain that a majority of American women don't care. 90%? Prob not. At least 51%? Definitely. 2. That's where 'no hymen no diamond' came from, and I suspect you view it badly.

[Araya]

1) Where is this recorded or is it simply your biased view? I strongly suspect the latter. 2) Anyone with more than a few brain cells would understand that "no hymen, no diamond" is asinine because: -Women can be born without a hymen. -Hymens can be broken due to exercise. -Not having a hymen does not mean you're NOT a virgin based off of the above two.

[myTake Owner]

Also, the point of this take is an explanation of what many men consider. Not an argument to prove the points as perfect.

[Araya]

Then I disagree with the explanations. That's fine. We simply disagree.

[ObscuredBeyond]

The number one reason women sleep around is because God means nothing to them. Or they have a very superficial concept of faith, if any. Or a very perverted concept of it, in some cases. Men are often weak and selfish too, but that's another topic for another time.

[BuchitaBuchys]

1. We care too. I don't want a partner with a high body count. Everyone keeps saying how hard it's for women who've had high numbers to stay faithful and satisfied, what about men? Plenty of men cheat because they're not happy with the sex they get at home.

2. We're afraid of that too. For me, if he's had a lot of busty women, I figure my flat figure will not be enough to keep him happy. My vag? Well, that part I think I'm fine because my exes said I got that good good lol
Also, instead of being insecure about bad sex, why not just get better? Ask her what she likes. With my first ex, sex was terrible and I never enjoyed it, despite his big dick. With my second ex, he was not packing as much meat but omg, was he good in bed. He was good in nearly every aspect from foreplay, to oral, to kissing, to penetration. Definitely changed my mind and opinion on sex.

3. Again, what makes you think this doesn't apply to men? This is why I don't wanna date a man who's had many partners. Because then he wants crazy things like 3sums or I'm afraid he'd cheat. Why would he stick with one woman when he was having ONS right after the other? I'm not a fool, I don't have Wonder Woman pussy to make a man change his habits.

[myTake Owner]

Why don't you write a take from women too men?

[BuchitaBuchys]

Because I need to work on my writing lol I'm not as succinct as you.

[myTake Owner]

Issues like that though are more persuasive from a female author.

[kap_nss]

I find it funny that some girls got mad at this article. I think I totally agree with reasons 1 and 2. I'm not sure about 3. I guess men care about the number for other reasons too. But I guess first two reasons here are way the most common.
I can say something: knowing that my girlfriend had better sex with a specific guy I know ruined my self esteem and filled up my mind with obsessive thoughts (I've got medication for them). I'm not sure if I'm going to get over it, even when some people with this problem does. But right now it kind of ruined my life.

[ElissaDido]

I think anyone has the right to know how many partners their partner had because it can tell a lot about compatibility

[jacquesvol]

Don't ask don't tell are the best politics inthis, in my opinion.

[ElissaDido]

@jacquesvol I think it really depends on the person and their view towards sex, if the other person has a "sexual past" as-well, obviously I would agree with the "don't ask don't tell" idea, but if the other person has a more conservative or "traditional" view towards sex and saving herself for let's say marriage I think they have the right to know if their potential partner shares the same idea :)

[PinceNez]

A woman that had many guys before - that's a GOOD THING!!

Means she's got experience, she's tried a bunch of things, she knows what she wants, she's got no hang ups about sex...

What more can you ask for?

[myTake Owner]

low risk of adultery and/or getting divorced?

[PinceNez]

Can't see how the number of guys she's had is going to influence that... So what if she had twenty guys or something? It doesn't mean she can't have real feelings for you or be more likely to cheat on you.

[ThisDudeHere]

This will receive a lot of hate from the girls.

[DivaPrincess]

But guys have issues with ZERO men too? Which should we consider?

[Nuqood]

STDs is my reason for why the number matters, since I'm proper sketch when it comes to disease.

The rest don't apply to me, but that's because I'm chauvinistic and don't date birds.

[Apotheosis]

My number is 0 - I've never been with anybody. How would men perceive that?

[myTake Owner]

My opinion? I think marriage minded men will likely see that well. men who aren't interested in marriage will have a variety of opinions.

[Apotheosis]

interesting, I hope you'r right! it's not that I'm not interested in relationships with men, they don't really approach me at all! i have noticed that when i say hi or them or talk generally then they respond, otherwise they act like I don't exist.

[myTake Owner]

Are you making an effort to be approachable? Making eye contact, smiling, making conversation? Cold approaching women is not as popular as it used to be.

[Bandit74]

I think its more than that. Id still be turned off by a girl with a high number even if she truly thought I was her best.

[tyber1]

Exactly. No man wants to feel replacable or second best. I've never understood why women don't understand this.

[tyber1]

And frankly I don't get why women think they have the right to complain about this. We're supposed to be okay with them choosing tall, confident, funny guys with successful careers but we're pathetic for having our own differing preferences?

[KawaiiPie67]

I've nvr had a guy ask me my #.

[DBAOracle]

May I get your number? :) I'm just kidding with you... LOL. Now you can't say that no guy ever asked for your number.

[KawaiiPie67]

@DBAOracle lol cute

[ArchDruidMordred]

This describes my feelings on the issue perfectly

[ConsultantIsBack]

Chances are I'm better than the other guys in bed anyway tho
Lmaoo

[LoloWaye]

What the actual f***. Lol

[myTake Owner]

i do take questions.

[LoloWaye]

I wasn't dissing your take at all! It makes sense to me and I'm just like wow lol. And it seems unfair. What if I want to be your Beyonce or Jennifer Lawrence?

[myTake Owner]

i say girls should avoid guys with high counts, if possible, for thw good of all.

[myTake Owner]

what part is unfair?

[Scrambledagain]

Man, a guy who beds loads of women is a Genius. I'm far more fascinated by how dudes do this than say a mathematician. Maths is at least logical and quantifiable. Women and love are so illogical l truly don't understand. I passed philosophy of science and mind at university but failed dismally with women. Go figure.

[redeyemindtricks]

LOL... My boy didn't even finish high school. <3

[Scrambledagain]

@redeyemindtricks trust me, I know that, intelligence doesn't attract women. Intelligence is in that category as "nice". It's a repellant in attraction. Cool story though, my best friend at university was this super smooth player. Him and I were, and still are best friends. He met this beautiful Australian girl and they married. He left South Africa and moved to Australia. He didn't do that well at university. Me on the other hand, I did really well. My degrees saved my arse and I also managed to escape South Africa through a skilled visa. So now we both live in Australia, and it's funny how our talents (Him: women, me: academics) resulted in this. The rest of our friends are stuck in South Africa. Lol... im still shit with women and he still battles with work.

[redeyemindtricks]

Yeah, everyone has their weaknesses. Thing is, the boy just doesn't care that much. He's never had a full-time job in his life. He was slick enough to find, uh, let's call 'em "sponsorships" (LMAO) through his twenties. He does a master craft part-time, and he's damn good at it, actually-- his per-hour is still more than most. But, he's just never cared that much about making money, especially not for the sake of spending it on other people. It just isn't who he is. (Most of his clients he gets through me, even. Because I am super extrovert girl who is amazingly awesome at networking.) I'm one of those go go go go go do do do do do all the time people, so, we make a good team. Team is the point. We don't need two big earners, or two overachievers, here. That'd just be stupid, honestly.

[Scrambledagain]

@redeyemindtricks good for you two. In South Africa, it's vital that you make money or you are screwed. We are Spartans of business because we have to be. There is even this joke we South Africans have in Australia: we are the new boat people. But unlike everyone who comes in by boat, we come in and buy the boats ha ha. Still doesn't get a guy laid though. That's why I do admire male players.

[redeyemindtricks]

Oh, the boy wasn't exactly eating rice and beans. He had a brand-new Corvette at 19 ffs, thanks to one of his executive "girlfriends." That's the kind of sponsorships I'm talking about. But, really, he just mostly doesn't care. I make a very good living, but I am very VERY good at networking, and absolutely shameless about monetizing absolutely every little corner of my life that can be monetized. Honestly, if I ever had to do work that felt like "work" -- i. e., was actually difficult, stressful, or distasteful -- then I really have no idea how I'd do at that.

[Scrambledagain]

@redeyemindtricks I know, you put it up somewhere that your boy was basically a high class escort back in the day. Nothing wrong and as usual, I get a bit jealous. My one gorgeous friend paid off her entire pilot course in one year by being a high class escort. Your man must be something special in bed to be a successful gigolo. Again, I admire this. Your man and male players deserve every bit of credit they deserve because not many men can do this. Glad you enjoy your job, another thing that only a few have the privelage of doing.

[redeyemindtricks]

"Your man must be something special in bed to be a successful gigolo." Has surprisingly little to do with "in bed", and surprisingly much to do with genuine, undivided attention. Well, that and one hell of a dynamic physical presence. -- I should add, the qualifier "surprisingly" only applies if you don't know women very well, and/or if you really haven't thought this through all the way. If you know women, these things won't be surprising in the least.

[Scrambledagain]

@redeyemindtricks I'm scared of genuine undivided attention. I did that and got friendshipzoned. So whatever your guy does, it's not just that'. Must be his physical presence and personality. Lol, no I don't get women, I'm the opposite of JZ's song..."I have 99 bitch problems, but life ain't one"

[redeyemindtricks]

Lol that's cute.

[PT1911]

The relationship between Leonard and Penny and how they get married describes everything wrong with dating today.

Though I still think the most toxic form of masculinity (going to borrow words from @9mfeo) is sleeping with several women and treating it like a contest.

[Homebakedcookies]

It's easy. A woman who's had 20 to 50 sex partners is not interesting.
Obviously she has problems with long-term relationships. And she would make a terrible mother if she has kids. And the kids would probably become just as awful as their mother.

That's why numbers matter to me.