My Take On Friends With Benefits Relationships

[Anonymous]

Last year I worked in a hospital as a patient escort and I transported patients from point A to point B. So I got to meet and communicate with doctors, nurses, techs, etc. I am currently persuing a career in medicine(doctor) so I got to see a lot of specialties.

Anywho, I was bored with my life to be honest, I went to school, volunteered at another hospital, worked, and went home. I'm very hard and self conscious on myself. When it came to approaching a guy I was really hard on myself, but there was this ICU nurse that I always thought that was cute. I never approached him until I kind of had the balls to kind of do so.

He was a cool guy, so I wrote my number down and gave it to him, he lost it while I left on vacation but when I came back I got his number. So he basically said that he was not looking for a relationship and at the time I what not either. I thought it would be ok to hook up with him with no feelings involved because I have never been in a relationship before, and I thought that I can separate my personal feelings whenever we had sex, I WAS WRONG.I did a lot with him though, I sent him nude photos, pictures, swallowing him after sex etc. I really went out my way to please him, I honestly felt bad just thinking that I've done all those things to a guy that I am not in a relationship with.

All BS aside, he made me discover that I actually had feelings to be honest. I hate that I had to get into a friends with benefits relationship to know my worth, and that I had feelings. I thought that I would not have any in a friends with benefits situation. I just want to say even though everybodys friends with benefits situation is different, I would hope that you can learn from mines.

If you don't like how things are going in your friends with benefits situation, SPEAK UP and say how you feel. Don't hold back. I have so much feelings for a guy that only communicates with me whenever he's in town to visit. It sucks but I accepted it, because I am human. One day I would hope to find myself a great guy, for the time being I'm just working on myself, because friends with benefits situations can mess with you physically and mentally in my opinion.

Moral of the story is, If a guy tells you that he's not intrested in a relationship and you want to be in a relationship, please don't waste your time on a guy that does not want the same things that you do. And if you are in a friends with benefits relationship, and he's asking you to do things to make you question your worth, realize that you deserve better and move on with your life, and you'll find someone that will like you for you, and not just for your body.

[Anonymous]

I am not entirely sure how one minute you two were mere acquaintances and the next minute you two were in bed together. Perhaps, at the moment of starting a casual sexual relationship with him, you had lower sexual standards back then, so you were willing to tolerate the unreciprocality of the relationship and accept sexual intercourse (with all risks attached) outside of a lifelong, exclusively monogamous commitment.

But anyway, the past is in the past. Your reflection tells me that you surely learned from your past and change for the better. :)

[the_rake]

I just dislike how people always make out like this is a one way street - girls lose out on friends with benefits because they dislike casual sex, and guys win because they don't have feelings and never get attached. Both are false premises - guys do get emotionally attached, and women do enjoy sex just as much as men, or at least that's what feminists would have us believe.

[ConsultantIsBack]

Bingo.

[myTake Owner]

what you mean?

[the_rake]

@myTakeOwner men: "oh, I soo want to bang this chick, I can totally detach my feelings from her and have casual sex" women: "oh no, I'm not that kind of girl, I don't like sex so much to have it casually. I want a man to treat me like a princess, buy me drinks and treat me right. we can't have sex until I'm in a relationship" both are bullshit stereotypes because men DO find it hard to detach from their emotions to have casual sex and women DO enjoy sex enough to have it casually. At the end of the day we're all people: we all enjoy sex, and we all get hurt when we become attached to someone. To say anything else is just deluding ourselves.

[the_rake]

@ConsultantIsBack thanks man

[Azara]

she never said its only women who care or only men who just want sex. it was just her own experience and she happens to be a woman. I've seen PLENTY of fab going the opposite way. its always sad when that happens regardless of gender. some people male it work. but it really depends on who you are not what you are. some people -woman or man- can do friends with benefits some can not and should not.

[AmericanPoet]

Some already know I am an evangelical on this FWB/FB nonsense. Almost every time the scenario you described is exactly how it plays out. The media and feminists have lied to you telling you that A) this is acceptable and B) it is normal. It is neither, it is a lie. Being a guy and having the FWB/FB “relationships” many times, I eventually learned it was a lie.

I knew a girl, had this “awesome” FB scenario. He’d text her when he could come to her place, bring gifts, treated her nice. Based on what she told me I am like, “this guy is married, you are his side action. Probably one of many.” She got mad at me. Turns out I was right. Then she was all angry at him, to which I responded that she was the fool to let him use her like that. Something inside her was denying the truth. She liked him and felt betrayed.

One of my situations I had 3 or 4 girls I was “FB” with at one time. I’d literally fuck a girl at 18:00 and then blow my load in another girl’s mouth at 21:00. I remember one time two girls literally passed each other in the hallway as one was leaving my place and the other was coming for her “shift”. None knew what was going on but I am sure they suspected and ignored it.

A FWB/FB relationship is founded in lies and fantasy. The women I used and abused were all in a lonely place. Willing to accept what little emotional gifts I could give them because while I was banging them they felt I cared. I didn’t, I was taking advantage of them and they were willing participants. I lied to them, they lied to me, they lied to themselves and I lied to myself. I too was running from my own demons.

This is what FWB/FB really is……. a cesspool of lies.

[nellz]

I don't know about that. I have a friends with benefits, and we have no reason to lie to each other. He was my next door neighbor for 11 years, from I was a child. We hung out a lot and we just wanted something (or some one) to fuck while we were single. When we're in relationships, we back off. We're pretty honest with each other because we're friends, and we have no reason to lie. So they're not all that way. Maybe it's a lie to everyone else, because we've managed to keep that a secret for over 5 years, but really, it's just a casual fuck every now and then. Nothing more. I've never had feelings for him, and vice versa.

[AmericanPoet]

@nellz Cool story but your scenario is the minority not the majority of the stories and experiences I have gathered over the years. It may end well for you, then again, it may not. I guess time will tell.

[Azara]

it doesn't sound like anyone lied to anyone. you just sound like its really important to you to treat people poorly. by that i don't mean the sex. i mean how you treat them. friends with benefits doesn't mean you disrespect the person. you really shouldn't have sex with people you think so lowly of. not wanting a relationship doesn't make a person subhuman. you're also trying too hard to make it sound like girls were the ones getting hurt. just bc you had multiple sex partners doesn't mean you couldn't get hurt. people usually compensate with large amounts of anything to fill the space of a small amount of a pArticular thing. anyhow as i said earlier, some people can some can't. and its not based on whats between your legs. friends with benefits does not mean lies. successful friends with benefits have honesty. yours if it involved deception, that was the problem. when everyone is honest then everyone knows were they stand and can make decisions that are good for them. friends with benefits is an arrangement between consenting adults. not a game.

[Wizbit]

@nellz what happens when you find a really serious relationship and either he works out about your friends with benefits or you actually tell and he's uncomfortable about the fact you went back so many times and still want to be friends and hang out and stuff. You say you back off during relationships but there's obviously contact because you know when you're both single and OK to start up again.

[nellz]

@Wizbit Well we're friends. Even if it was without the benefits part, we'd still be friends, and we're very clear about stopping things should either one want. If I get into a serious relationship, I will more than likely be the one to come clean about it, and we'll have to sort that out when the time comes -- it's not like I'm gonna be dishonest about it or anything.

[Wizbit]

@nellz my boyfriend has a friend like this and I find it very difficult to accept that they can just turn it on and off when convenient. I trust him with everything except her and it has caused problems for us. He is now cutting her out but doesn't feel he can do it directly so he's just not contacting her. It's a very uncomfortable situation because of the on/off side of things. Doesn't it worry you that it could be a problem for you too in the future?

[nellz]

@Wizbit I totally get what you're saying. It can seem like it's impossible for it to be an on/off thing, but I would hope that my S. O. trusts me enough, that he'd trust I wouldn't cheat on him. But unfortunately, females are tricky, and men are most times weak when it comes to sex. So it's difficult to say in every situation. He is my friend, but I'd limit the situations in which I see or talk to him. Just to reassure my S. O. In your case, just the fact that he is cutting her off his life should tell you that he is serious about you. Heck, he told you about her, so I think you should trust him. It may seem like we can't turn it on/off or anything, but just think about it like an ex. Now that you exist, that's the ex. Exes can be friends. They don't need to screw around. You just have to trust him.

[Wizbit]

@nellz thanks. The problem is with exes there's a start and an end. With a recurring friends with benefits there isn't. It's not about cheating. I trust him not to do that to me. It's about emotion and intimacy. It's knowing there's someone there who's done all those intimate things I do with him and will be there to do them again if things go wrong. His one time friends with benefits isn't a problem. The ex he's friends with isn't a problem. It's because they go back to each. It's more than a passing fancy. It's ongoing and that means still there when he's with me. Yea he's cutting her out, but he's not making a clean break. He's just not messaging her. She's still on Facebook, still contactable if needed. It's as difficult to explain why it's a concern as it is to understand why it isn't. It's a complicated relationship that always casts a shadow over current ones unless you're willing to make a clean break.

[nellz]

@Wizbit Honestly, I can't tell you the inner workings of his relationship with her. I don't know what they were involved with. And I'm beginning to understand your feelings and why this might seem complex. I'm not sure how to reassure you of anything. With me, I do my best to help my friend keep his relationships functioning. We are a last resort type of thing, when we've been single for a while, and the need is there. If he asked me to stay away, I would. But we're friends, y'know? Even past the sex, he's still a friend. It's not like I look at him and go "damn I wanna fuck you now" or anything. When I see him, I just see him. The same way I did before I slept with him. If I'm ever in trouble, I can count on him, and he can count on me. Even without the sex, he was my childhood friend, and that's why I trusted him to have this relationship with him. If I lost him as a friends with benefits, I'd be fine. As a friend? I'd probably be sad..

[nellz]

@Wizbit But like I said, I don't know his relationship with her. If she means nothing more to him than a friends with benefits, and he can make a clean break, I'd push him for that. But if she's not just a friends with benefits, I'm not sure if it's going to be that simple. Of course, I wouldn't want to ever think "oh well the moment i'm not in his life, he's gonna call her". But then I wouldn't want to be thinking "the moment I'm not in his life", either. Strive to be with him, and you won't even have to deal with her as his sex comrade anymore.

[Wizbit]

@nellz but you wouldn't do it with a boyfriend. A relationship ends and you move on. You don't keep them hanging around in the wings to hook uo when you're feeling horny, but because you've chosen to have a relationship without the label it's OK? You'd probably think it disrespectful if you SO kept his ex around like that but it's OK because you're "just friends"? Sex once, even twice is a hook up. Beyond that you're into a relationship. OK it's a relationship where you see other people and don't have sex for periods but it's still a relationship that's been going on for years. I'm not asking you to analysis my boyfriend and his friends with benefits, I'm only citing it to illustrate my point. friends with benefits is fine when you're single but if it's a relationship you value and don't intend to move on from then it can cause problems with official relationships. I just wondered your view on that. I appreciate you taking the time to answer. I don't judge for casual sex. It has it's place, but I think friends with benefits has

[Wizbit]

lingering repercussions and clinging onto that past relationship when you're in a new one is a bit selfish. It's having your cake and eating it. You need to be prepared to move on from them if you value your SO.

[Bandit74]

It seems like its generally a pretty good deal for the guy and a bad deal for the girl in the event she develops feelings.

The guy gets no strings attached sex without having to put in the effort he normally would in a relationship (paying for dates, waiting for sex, being emotionally available).

I also think girls are often more experimental and put forth more effort into pleasing their fwbs than they do with their actual boyfriends.

[ClariceOwen23]

I realized where this was going from the start. The way you worded it, it seems like you were interested in him right from the start. It was obvious that it wasn't going to work out. If you're getting into a friends with benefits situation, you both need to be sure about what you want. I've had one in the past and it worked out fine for me. We had to stop eventually, but that was for completely unrelated reasons. If you realize you're catching feelings, stop immediately.

[CoolSky01]

Feel free to disagree with me if you like but here's what i think :

If a girl is ready to have no strings attached, sexual relationship with a guy she finds cute just cause she wants sex she shouldn't expect to be respected as well, you will never be equal to a guy in terms of sex, my friend has a girl who blows him regularly and guess what, he doesn't have even the slightest respecrt for her, and you expect him to love you and spend his life with you? it won't happen, at least not like that.

[GreatnessRevamped]

Cool story, sis.

[Anonymous]

I had quite some casual sex partners that I often thought about "did he deserve to get entrance?" But actually it just doesn't matter. It's actually weirder to set rules and make a guy work for it, since sex is something natural, instinctive. If I wanted to fuck, and a certain asshole was at the right place at the right time, he got to fuck me for doing nothing. Meanwhile some other guy might want to do anything in the world for me, if I don't want to fuck him he won't be so lucky and might end up crying that his asshole friend did. But that's how nature works I guess. We're animals and we sometimes just wanna fuck. There's nothing wrong with that, and you don't need to get paid in time and effort by the guy for letting him fuck.

[hellionthesage]

Yeah, except that a guy will be unwilling to give you the effort that you want when it comes time for you to "settle down". A man doesn't want that kind of women to be the mother of his children, further more we are animals but their are plenty of things we do that are unanimlistic that are benefical. We don't steal like animals would or kill when angry (generally speaking) we don't pop a squat where ever we happen to be and relieve ourselves right then and their. Being an animal is not a very good rational. Further more its actually more natrual for a woman to hold out then to give it up with ease, its only modern technology and social strucutre that allows a woman to do this without negative repercussions. Hence the scientificly proven negative side affects of promiscuity on the mind.

[Anonymous]

Already gave my virginity to my friends with benefits...

[Anonymous]

Thanks but I also know that I don't wanna be in a relationship with a girl who has had sex with a man with whom she wasn't in relationship...
That's the first thing I already know..

[Anonymous]

So did he do anything wrong? Because it sounds like he was honest and you weren't yet you're saying you are the one who deserves better when you seem to be more in the wrong than him.

[myTake Owner]

I was more in the wrong I agree. I was in denial.