Dating Strategy


Dating Strategy

Some people pursue a Short-Term Mating Strategy others a Long-Term Mating Strategy. What do I mean by STMS v. LTMS? Well to put it simply it's the pursuit of sex v. commitment. This is a simplification, however, because they are obviously not mutually exclusive. But some people prioritise sex others prioritise loyalty.

The stereotype is that men are only interested in one thing whereas all women want monogamy. But there are plenty of men who want loyalty and plenty of women who desire casual sex. Men who pursue monogamy aren't pussies and women who pursue sex aren't sluts. Although there seems to be plenty of shame all round.

I pursue LTMS so I avoid men who pursue STMS. This means I avoid men who have a history of multiple partners, cheating or short term relationships. (What counts as short term is variable by age. For example, 2yrs is a long time for a guy in his 20s but not for a guy in his 40s.). It's not that I think male promiscuity is wrong it's just not what I'm looking for.

Some guys will say they are still 'Looking for the one.' or just 'Haven't found the right woman.'. They are often either just being disingenuous, or they have an idealised view of women or love, or they or just plain fussy and self-entitled. (Again this often depends on age. Looking for the one in your 20s is sweet. Still looking in your 40s is a red flag for either gender. By this time you should either by heart broken and cynical or heart broken and hopeful. If no one has measured up by now it's time for some introspection.)

It is difficult to move a relationship from one thing to another. What I mean is it is difficult to move a relationship from being largely sexual to being committed. It is also difficult to make a relationship more passionate as time goes on. There are always exceptions, such as, fuck buddies or best friends that marry, but these are the exception not the rule. It is difficult to go from lover to wife and difficult to go from friend to lover.

Now although I have said that both genders can pursue either strategy it would be foolish to ignore the much discussed sexual 'double standard'. No one receives shame quite like women who pursue STMS. I think this is wrong. It is one thing to say you would not marry a woman with a history of promiscuity but another to claim female promiscuity is wrong. Just as it is different for me to say I don't date players than to say I hate them. One is an expression of your autonomy the other is a denial of someone else's.

Men who pursue STMS typically don't hate on women who do. Why would they? Both get what they want without having to misrepresent themselves. This may even be the key to the players success. Women don't typically explore taboos with men they think will judge them.

So I think it is fine for either gender to pursue either strategy and we shouldn't judge each other. But when STMS meets LTMS much heartbreak ensues. So let's agree not too shame but also not to misrepresent. Calling all jaded players and reformed sluts to can the routine. Lord knows I've heard them both too many times before.

Dating Strategy
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Most Helpful Guy

  • OlderAndWiser
    "It is one thing to say you would not marry a woman with a history of promiscuity but another to claim female promiscuity is wrong. Just as it is different for me to say I don't date players than to say I hate them. One is an expression of your autonomy the other is a denial of someone else's."

    Men and women should be judged by the same standard for sexual behavior but that does not mean that we should not have opinions about their behavior. Thinking that a woman is a slut is not the same thing as hating her. I can see a promiscuous woman and think to myself that she is failing herself and she is failing commonly (but not universally) accepted standards of morality without hating her.

    Of course, everyone has the autonomy to engage in whatever sexual behaviors they want (with a few limits, like sex with minors) but having the right to do something doesn't make it the right thing to do.

    I don't chase after sluts and tell them what I think of their behavior but I certainly have the right to hold my opinions, and to share those opinions with others if the subject arises in conversation. That is part of my autonomy.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girl

  • thewanderingme
    isn't mating more about making babies, and not about sex?
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Anonymous
    Ethically I agree. In practice i'm not sure it will ever work that way.

    The reality is that men drop their standards to pursue a STMS. So when they opt long term, they raise their standards, and the woman they settle with knows she is preferred to the women he just hooked up with.

    By constrast women are able to raise their standards - at least in some areas - for STMS. They pick men who are 'hotter' and more sexually desireable, though perhaps less stable. They typically have to drop their standards in these areas to pursue a LTMS.

    For some crazy reason, guys are not that excited about marrying a woman who had fun fucking hotter guys, and is now sadly putting that behind her to marry a boring guy who can earn money for their kids, i. e. him.
    • tyber1

      Well said

    • Anonymous

      For the record, back when i was single, which was a loooong time ago, i actively tried to pursue several girls with extremely wild pasts as gf's. Not successfully, they didn't seem to care for me (TBH, it may have been partly what's suggested here - they could get guys who were hotter/more exciting than me for hookups, though not as bf's, so did so). I seem to get more interest from promiscuous women now, but i'd guess my 'sexual capital' or whatever you want to call it has gone up.

      Anyway, would love to discuss this more with people. It seems to me a serious societal challenge.

      As individuals, it's pretty easy - men should aim to be the sort of guy women want to hook up with, then consider settling down. But do NOT settle down with women who wouldn't have hooked up with you.

    • tyber1

      I agree completely

  • Anonymous
    I'm just here for that photo. Can someone explain me what's going on there?
    • Anonymous

      Hmm.. I think I got it.. had to open my mind a little bit more