WAIT! PAUSE! ALERT: A PSA FOR PENIS IS IN THE WORKS, I WORKED A 7 DAY WORK WEEK THOUGH AND ONLY HAD SOME EXTRA TIME AT WORK TO PUMP THIS OUT BUT IT’S COMING DON’T HATE ME AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Ehem … back on track: hello G@G! For those of you who don’t know, I work at an office as a receptionist, but to help save up a little extra money, I also got a part-time job as a wine merchant. For those of you who don’t know what a wine merchant is or does, they are basically a wine salesperson who spends a lot of their time offering you samples and giving you suggestions on what wines to pair with your occasion (low key we are trained to upsell the shit out of you). Now, at my particular store, 90% of our job is standing outside of the doors with a trolley and a tray with small little wine samples that we prompt mall-patrons to pause and try in the hopes of getting you to buy the featured wines on the trolley. But given that I live in the GTA, the mall where I work isn’t exactly … upscale. Not that there aren’t upscale malls here, but let’s just say not all of them are.
Since I have been working there I have heard some of the most disgusting, cringe-worthy, awkward yet creature pickup lines and attempts of my life, all directed towards me as I work my particular shift alone. Here is a compilation of pickup lines (from bad to worse) gents have attempted to use on me in the past month and a half. I hope you get a kick out of it, and yes, these are 100% true.
1) “Hey, how tall are you? 5’2”? Great, I love little girls.”
2) “Did you dye your hair like that to get attention? Because it’s working.”
3) “No, I don’t have ID … shit … well can I still get your number? I promise I’m not under 18. I mean 19.”
4) “I don’t need anything other than this today … except maybe somebody to drink it with. When do you get off work? We could enjoy it together.”
(What made this bad was this guy had three children with him and looked to be about in his 50’s)
5) “Hey … I know why you dyed your hair like that now. It’s because you’re a phoenix: you rise from the ashes.” (After having been asked 100 questions about my life while trying to get this guy to buy a bottle of wine that I’m 100% sure he didn’t want)
6) “I don’t drink wine, I just thought if I bought something that maybe you’d start to like me.”
7) “I’d like to pay you to walk around the mall with me … No, I’m being serious. You’re very beautiful and I’m willing to pay you well.”
(I'm not fucking joking)
8) “Hey ma, I like it … you like coloured guys snow bunny?” (Only the ones who don't call me snow bunny)
9) “I don’t feel like tasting any wine, I’d rather taste you. You look way tastier.”
10) “I am not here to try your alcohol I just wanted to tell you that God created you perfectly because you are a blessed angel.” (This was kinda sweet actually. Over the top but sweet and well-intended at least)
11) “How much do they pay you here? I could take care of you, you know … if you’re into that.”
13) “You’re a pretty young lady, would you like not pretty old men too?”
14) “Hey, it’s the security guard who got that stolen bottle back for your store. I took your number from the records. You’re really cute. ;)"
(Via text and I am paraphrasing a whole paragraph here but I would like to say that this situation has been dealt with and this security guard DID get in trouble for this)
15) “You burn? Smoke weed? You look like you do. You look like you’d be into kinky stuff too.”
So that's all I have for some of the weirdest pickup lines I have heard as a wine merchant. I mean not to #creepshame I mean only to share my awkward experiences with you in the hopes that you get some kind of sick kick out of it. I hope you guys all have yourself a great week and I'll see you in the next one.