I was going through my "opinions," to see how many upvotes some had gotten, out of narcissistic curiosity. I was absolutely shocked to see that one of my comments had received TWENTY FIVE thumbs up, and every one was from men. If anything has every suggested to me that I said something that really hit home, it was that. And so, I would like to expand on it, for a MyTake, because I think it is something that should be talked about.
I would like to preface by saying that I speak in general terms. That means nothing I say is meant to be seen as universal. If you read this and say "I disagree! I would never do that!" you are missing the point. I never said that anything was something you, as an individual, would do. I am saying that it is something, in general, that happens with prevalence.
I'm going to start by quoting the question that had been asked, and then supplying my full answer. For anyone unsure what to expect, a warning now that this MyTake will be blunt, and will contain cursing.
I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 weeks. Just the other day, we both were talking and joking about our past experiences. Well I asked him how many girls he's slept with, and he told me he's still a virgin... this has me worried. It's even more weird that a man his age hadn't had a girlfriend... I'm his first girlfriend.
I asked him why he put himself in this position and he told me "I've never cared about women until recently". I think I should dump him, I mean he's very nice but this is kinda strange to me?
One of the absolute most evil thing a woman can do to a man is look at him and think "well, no other woman has fucked his so far, and there must be a reason for that, so i'm not going to fuck him either."
if men are promiscuous, they must be playboys who don't respect women, and any woman looking for love or commitment should look elsewhere, because all he wants is sex.
If men are virgins, we must be defective, broken, and if we appear normal, then whatever stains us must run deep. we're avoided as if we're all 8 and cooties are real again. no matter our personality, looks, or what we can offer, we are labeled as "creepy." Maybe he wanted to work, or do school? maybe he was fat and no woman wanted him and he finally got himself in shape? maybe he wasn't ready for a committed relationship but saw sex as important and figured he'd just wait until he met someone, and not throw it away on a whim. In the end, his reasons don't matter. You find out he's a virgin, and because of his age, you assume there MUST be some reason for it, and you see him like he is diseased.
Again, 25 men thumbed this up. I hit a nail on the head. And the reason this is important is because of the pain men experience, and judgement the receive, just for being a virgin.
I already covered this in my answer, but I would like to go more in depth, here.
There are reasons a man might still be a virgin, just as there are reasons a woman might still be a virgin.
Reasons to stay a virgin, or not approach women, is broken down to personal choice based on lifestyle, and desirability.
PERSONAL CHOICE, LIFESTYLE:
* Religion. He may believe that sex should not happen before marriage.
* The value of sex. He might believe that, irrespective of religious views, sex still is a thing that has inherent value, and so he wishes to have his first be with someone important to him, and not an encounter he may regret
* Other obligations. From school, to careers, to being placed in a position where he is simply too responsible for other things to have time for himself to date, he simply has other things prioritized above his sex life.
* Unready to commit. He may have simply found the idea of commitment too much, and so avoided relationships, and sex.
* Lack of an available partner. Maybe he would have loved a relationship, but he wants something meaningful, deep, and long lasting.... and simply has not been able to find the person he feels that connection with.
* Her virginity. He might be hoping that he will lose his virginity to a woman who is also a virgin, be it for the reasons listed here, or some other reason. The mutual giving to each other of their first sexual experience is a powerful thing.
PERSONAL CHOICE, DESIRABILITY:
* Shy. He may have lacked the confidence to approach a woman. It seems quite a few women, and even many men, don't seem to understand how hard, fast, and brutal the rejection men experience can be, or that men are just as emotional as anyone else, and may find such rejection, especially repeated rejection, very hard to take. You can not get shot down and be left feeling like you're two inches tall and worthless of you never even approach her.
* Unattractive. Some people, sadly, are just not physically attractive. And guys who don't look so hot often have trouble connecting with women, unless they have a lot else to offer her.
* Feeling like you have nothing to offer. A guy who doesn't have a job? or an education? No car? No money? He may feel as if he has nothing to offer a woman. He does not approach women because he does not feel that, as things stand now, he can offer her anything. And so he does not approach her.
* Weight. As someone who has been heavy all his life, I greatly sympathize with this. Overweight is not attractive. He may not be willing to approach a girl, because he knows (or believes) she could not possibly be attracted to him.
*****But the biggest one, the point I was making in the answer, was age and the perception of women based on age.
A guy can finish school. He can get to a place in his career where he feels comfortable. He can fulfill other obligations, he can find the girl who he really feels he can connect to. He can risk not being shy and approach her, he can save money, take care of things, so he feels like he has worth, value, something to offer. He can work out and diet, and finally lose that weight he has had for so long, in addition to developing a physique women might enjoy. He can do all these things.
What can't he do? Be not a virgin.
As I said, when women see a man who is a virgin, they wonder why. And they wonder more as he ages.
Picture in your minds a male virgin at 16 years of age. Now at 20. Now 24. Now 28. Now 32. Now 36. Now 40.
I bet that, past 20, none of what was pictured was very flattering. And as age increased, how he was seen decreased.
Maybe he's overly religious! Can't have a control freak!
Maybe he's too emotional! Don't want a pussy!
Maybe he's got violence issues! Don't want a monster!
Maybe he's got gross fetishes! Don't want a pervert!
Maybe he still lives with his mother!
Maybe Maybe Maybe Maybe Maybe....
All conjecture, all without proof, all that assumes the worst. All that says "He is a creep, he is diseased. No one has ever been with him before, and there MUST be a reason, beyond his claim that it was his choice. If no other woman wanted him, they must have seen something in him that I am not seeing, that warned them away. Even if it was his choice, why did he change his mind now? And what guy chooses to stay a virgin so long? He must be defective."
A man is damaged goods if he never had sex. The older he is, the more damaged. The more women figure that, no matter what else he might offer them, no matter how great he seems, there MUST be something deeply wrong.
Men over a certain age are almost entirely unlikely to ever lose their virginity, and if they do, it is likely an act that is bought and paid for, or something someone foes to him out of sympathy, and not desire or love. And even then? So he lost his virginity. So what? Maybe he isn't a creep anymore, but he's never really been with women, doesn't know how a relationship works... so no, he is no longer defective. He is just unwanted. The woman who gave him a pity fuck? She threw him a bone, and he ate it. There is no sympathy anymore. He got laid. What more should he want?
A guy who waits, and hopes that he will meet that magical someone who will be THE ONE for him, and so he vows to wait for her? He will live alone, and die alone, a virgin, or a man so ashamed of how he lost his virginity he would wish he was. Because the woman who could have been THE ONE? The girl who likes his smile, laughed at his jokes, found his stories interesting, had similar hobbies, appreciated his body, and thought to herself "I have finally found a guy who will love me and treat me right!" She freaks out when she discovers he is a virgin, and leaves. The fact that he never touched another woman before her makes him some freak. If he were younger it would be understandable, maybe even romantic. But at his age, the fact that he never gave in? That just makes him pathetic, shows there is something wrong with his head. And she leaves.
The point of this MyTake is very simple: Quite possibly the most under talked about, and most easily mocked, sexual stigma that exists in prevalence, is male virginity. And this needs to be addressed. These men are not sick, they are not broken, they are not closet monsters, or deviants. They are not to be considered unwanted simply because no one had claimed them in the past. They are looking for love, romance, physical companionship, and to not be lonely anymore.
And if there is one thing a man can count on being thoroughly mocked for, above and beyond virginity, it is admitting he craves an emotional connection, and that he hurts and is lonely.
Some guys are creeps. Some girl have no problems connecting with a man who is still a virgin. As I said, I am speaking in generalizations, not universal truths. But this is a problem, it is a way of suffering that many men face, and it it unfair. And so I would close by asking the women out there, whether virgins themselves or not, to not simply write off a guy because he has never had sex. See who he is, and base your connection with him on the person he is, and not on whether he has a sexual history or not.
No one should have to consign themselves to a future of being alone, simply because they always have been alone. They should be able to hope that if they improve themselves, someone out there will give them a chance.