Three Hook Ups You Never Want (But Probably Already Had)


1. The Douchebag Prince/Princess

These ones sit themselves out on display for you, and once you show a little interest, they take you for a ride. You keep working your ass off to get in their pants while the whole night they give just enough lead to think it's working. If nothing turns out for them for the night, they take you back to their place (once out of sight of the crowds or their friends) and bang you like you're a sex-o-matic. Only after they're done with you do they reveal to you such gems as 'no one can know', 'I did you a favour', or 'you were lucky to get one like me'.

Three Hook Ups You Never Want (But Probably Already Had)

Warning Signs of a Prince:

- Cut muscular physique

- Brand name shoes

- Into Hockey (Canada), Football (USA)

- Is a jerk to most of his 'friends'

- Is a mad player

Warning Signs of a Princess:

- Skinny

- Dresses like a preppy skank

- Wears an entirely different face amount of makeup

- Is a bitch to most of her 'friends'

- Acts like a prude

*A note to douchebags* Most people only want to sleep with someone on the premise that there is a reciprocal sexual attraction. The ones that don't are called rapists. While you might be so damn thirsty you'll stick it in anything or stick anything in it, the rest of us have something called respect, and can manage to wait until someone we are really interested in turns up. Not only that but on a planet this big it is almost guaranteed that whoever you think is so ugly that you would only fuck them in secret, is someone elses wet dream. Don't be so presumptuous as to assume that everyone has your opinion or so selfish as to keep them from finding that person.

2. The Ghost Band

Three Hook Ups You Never Want (But Probably Already Had)

These come with a variety of pick-up techniques that share some similarities. They are usually very forward, very much looking only for sex, and that suits you just fine, but you can't help but feel like something is fucking dodgy here. They look over their shoulder a lot, they miss your texts or meet ups - only to return them with interest and sorries abound. When you do get down and dirty, it is REALLY, truly, gloriously filthy. A while after the deed has been done some crazy fucker pops up in your inbox calling you a POS whore and uttering death threats. Wtf is this shit? Then you see so-and-so's name in between the swears and insults. OOOOhhhh. So this must be the wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband you have heard so much - scratch that - literally nothing about.

Warning Signs they might be previously engaged:

- Left index finger has a ring tan line

- (For a guy) He has tampons in the bathroom

- You can't see their relationship status on FB

- They give really strange excuses to get out of meeting up

- Sometimes in public with you or if they happen to see you in public they act very alarmed

*A note for cheaters* There are lots of people willing to knowingly get with someone who is already in a relationship. However, all people like to know what they are getting themselves into before some SO on a kill mission comes at us, so that we at least have the opportunity to opt out of your fucking shit show.

3. The Cling-On

I'm not talking about someone catching feelings - these ones know from the very start that they're interested in being more than a one night stand or fuckbuddy. Yet they agree to be just that hoping that your lack of serious interest in them is just a phase which you will be warmed out of. They constantly call back or invite you out to dates and to do couple-y things. The sex started out like a dream, but gets more and more intimate, and did they just try to hold your hand? At some point after declining to admit having feelings for you they have a shit fit about your lack of feelings towards them and the whole arrangement explodes into a one sides break up where they are secretly hoping you come crawling back rather than be cast out of their lives forever while you are walking back home alone deleting their number thinking to yourself what the fuck was that?

Three Hook Ups You Never Want (But Probably Already Had)

Warning Signs of a Cling-On:

- They say things like 'you're not usually my type' or 'we can be friends too'

- They share fantasies of what their ideal relationship would be like

- Most of their friends are couples

- Invite you out to dinner and movies

- Want to spend time with you where you aren't having sex

- You know damn well, in your heart of hearts, that they really like you

*A note for Clingons* There is no point in trying to date someone who clearly expressly only wants to have sex with you. If you want more you should be honest with them and yourself because the chances they will come around or warm up to you are slim to nil because the main reason will likely be that a relationship isn't something they're open to having in their lives right now if ever. They aren't trying to avoid the inevitable thing of you two being together, they know what they freaking want and they let you know what they freaking want, it's just going to be a lot simpler for both of you if you believe them.

This was written in the spirit of good humour for those who have have experienced particularly bad hook-ups like these to enjoy, no one actually fits these stereotypes and I'm not trying to put down anyone. If you feel personally insulted by any of these you should maybe consider just not being an asshole lol.

Three Hook Ups You Never Want (But Probably Already Had)
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Most Helpful Guy

  • AleDeEurope
    The cling-ons are the worst. If it's a hookup, we fuck, and we're done, ok? Just go.

    The ghosts are mehh, I mean, if I knew she's taken, I'm out, but if after doing it is when I realize she's taken, I wouldn't care, it's not my job to keep her faithful. No regrets.

    The princesses are the best for hookups, it's the only good thing they're for when it comes to interactions with the opposite gender, cause they're definitely not girlfriend material, so hookup and go away. They tend to be the best at sex, so that's why they're the best. The only issue is STD's... gotta be careful with that.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girl

  • StephanieL
    Lol so true. They're stereotypes but I've had all three of them. Of course it's mainly the first one for a hookup. They seduce you, walk you home, come in for a "nightcap" which is just them banging you till you're cockeyed, and after they filled you up and had their ego boost, they act like you should be thanking him. Guys can be assholes, but it is so stereotypical and funny too though.
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • brain5000
    This was really good. The only bad part was the end, the half-joking-ish apology to any assholes you might have offended. Why do that? Stand by your words. We know you are sincere. If someone gets upset about it, they are likely one of the assholes you wrote about. If an asshole's feeling are hurt because you made them face the truth, good! Tough shit! Stop being a jackass, maybe you won't have any reason to get butthurt.

    Otherwise, aside from that one paragraph, this was great.
  • kambo_trick3y
    Never had any of these.

    Never wanted to, I've always been more of a traditional guy. Judge people very strictly, and only have sex with people who you are in a relationship with. To be honest, I probably wouldn't even date someone who was into this kind of stuff, either past or present. If we're not on the same page when it comes to sex, then we ain't clicking, period.
  • Benk111
    the warning signs for a cling-on seem like things that you would want in a healthy relationship.
    • My thoughts too

    • Heaven forbid someone wants to get to know you as a person and desires something real

    • The thing you both seemed to miss was that the other person was clearly and explicitly not interested in that.

      Ps: Trying to get romantically involved with someone who is 100% not down is disrespectful to that person and totally disregards their feelings. If that is part of healthy relationship fucking count me out lol.

    • Show All
  • Scrambledagain
    The majority of men on gag would have no clue what you are on about lol #whatisahookup
    • #whatissarcasm #whatishyperbole

      I feel like GaG might be too stupid for me >,< there were really good jokes in myTake

    • Yeah but jokes need to come from a reference point. I could tell you a couple of South African jokes and you wouldn't get it because you are from a different country. Hook ups are another country for a nice/shy guy, so it looks academic rather than humerous. Some depressive triggers in there for incels especially.

    • *big eye roll*

    • Show All
  • GreatnessRevamped
    I want ALL OF THESE!!!
    Dance party!!
  • YourFutureEx
    Why making the world so complicated. If you're horny, just fuck around and if you want a relationship, the signs are obvious (pretty much).
  • Coffinspire
    Can't say I've been with any of them really but apparently I qualify as a princess? Minus the preppy skank outfit is replaced by gothic skank outfits.
  • sp33d
    I must be a prince, I like to wear quality footwear.. oh dear the stereotypes :(
  • anonymous83
    Sadly, I have actually met all 3.
  • ClariceOwen23
    This take is filled with stereotypes
  • LittleSally
    Nope, never had any of them. Hahaha
  • Polocrew
    Someone mad lol
  • bloodmountain1990
    Ghost the band is awesome though
  • skeptic007
    stop talking about yourself
  • Stanley23
    A mad player? Don't make me laugh!
    • That was kind of exactly the point...

    • Stanley23

      Does he initiate other women? Is he sexually promiscuous? If he isn't any of those questions, then he's not a player.

    • No, to make people laugh, to make people laugh was the point...

    • Show All
  • Anonymous
    So being skinny is a sign of being a bitch? And if you like sport or wear brand shoes your a douchebag? ...
    • dede_g_10

      Ikr i didn't agree with those ones pretty offensive

    • Anonymous

      @dede_g_10 Yes and that's just a stereotype. A lot of girls are skinny and they doesn't are bitch. and guys who like sport in what that made them a douchebag? Like brand shoes, everyone have brand shoes

  • Anonymous
    Has anyone every slept with a type one?

    More so on the female side?

    Because it seems this type would care more about attention than sex.

    I had a girl that was like this, I doubt she would ever hook up with me.
  • Anonymous
    I've not had any of the above and I've had my fair share of NSA. 😐