Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
1. The Douchebag Prince/Princess
These ones sit themselves out on display for you, and once you show a little interest, they take you for a ride. You keep working your ass off to get in their pants while the whole night they give just enough lead to think it's working. If nothing turns out for them for the night, they take you back to their place (once out of sight of the crowds or their friends) and bang you like you're a sex-o-matic. Only after they're done with you do they reveal to you such gems as 'no one can know', 'I did you a favour', or 'you were lucky to get one like me'.
Warning Signs of a Prince:
- Cut muscular physique
- Brand name shoes
- Into Hockey (Canada), Football (USA)
- Is a jerk to most of his 'friends'
- Is a mad player
Warning Signs of a Princess:
- Skinny
- Dresses like a preppy skank
- Wears an entirely different face amount of makeup
- Is a bitch to most of her 'friends'
- Acts like a prude
*A note to douchebags* Most people only want to sleep with someone on the premise that there is a reciprocal sexual attraction. The ones that don't are called rapists. While you might be so damn thirsty you'll stick it in anything or stick anything in it, the rest of us have something called respect, and can manage to wait until someone we are really interested in turns up. Not only that but on a planet this big it is almost guaranteed that whoever you think is so ugly that you would only fuck them in secret, is someone elses wet dream. Don't be so presumptuous as to assume that everyone has your opinion or so selfish as to keep them from finding that person.
2. The Ghost Band
These come with a variety of pick-up techniques that share some similarities. They are usually very forward, very much looking only for sex, and that suits you just fine, but you can't help but feel like something is fucking dodgy here. They look over their shoulder a lot, they miss your texts or meet ups - only to return them with interest and sorries abound. When you do get down and dirty, it is REALLY, truly, gloriously filthy. A while after the deed has been done some crazy fucker pops up in your inbox calling you a POS whore and uttering death threats. Wtf is this shit? Then you see so-and-so's name in between the swears and insults. OOOOhhhh. So this must be the wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband you have heard so much - scratch that - literally nothing about.
Warning Signs they might be previously engaged:
- Left index finger has a ring tan line
- (For a guy) He has tampons in the bathroom
- You can't see their relationship status on FB
- They give really strange excuses to get out of meeting up
- Sometimes in public with you or if they happen to see you in public they act very alarmed
*A note for cheaters* There are lots of people willing to knowingly get with someone who is already in a relationship. However, all people like to know what they are getting themselves into before some SO on a kill mission comes at us, so that we at least have the opportunity to opt out of your fucking shit show.
3. The Cling-On
I'm not talking about someone catching feelings - these ones know from the very start that they're interested in being more than a one night stand or fuckbuddy. Yet they agree to be just that hoping that your lack of serious interest in them is just a phase which you will be warmed out of. They constantly call back or invite you out to dates and to do couple-y things. The sex started out like a dream, but gets more and more intimate, and did they just try to hold your hand? At some point after declining to admit having feelings for you they have a shit fit about your lack of feelings towards them and the whole arrangement explodes into a one sides break up where they are secretly hoping you come crawling back rather than be cast out of their lives forever while you are walking back home alone deleting their number thinking to yourself what the fuck was that?
Warning Signs of a Cling-On:
- They say things like 'you're not usually my type' or 'we can be friends too'
- They share fantasies of what their ideal relationship would be like
- Most of their friends are couples
- Invite you out to dinner and movies
- Want to spend time with you where you aren't having sex
- You know damn well, in your heart of hearts, that they really like you
*A note for Clingons* There is no point in trying to date someone who clearly expressly only wants to have sex with you. If you want more you should be honest with them and yourself because the chances they will come around or warm up to you are slim to nil because the main reason will likely be that a relationship isn't something they're open to having in their lives right now if ever. They aren't trying to avoid the inevitable thing of you two being together, they know what they freaking want and they let you know what they freaking want, it's just going to be a lot simpler for both of you if you believe them.
This was written in the spirit of good humour for those who have have experienced particularly bad hook-ups like these to enjoy, no one actually fits these stereotypes and I'm not trying to put down anyone. If you feel personally insulted by any of these you should maybe consider just not being an asshole lol.
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