This article is addressed to the women of this forum and contains a list a tips that come from all males of this planet to make your coexistence with your partner much better and harmonic.
CAUTION! I know that most of these tips will tempt you to write in the comments section "Ok, you're right about this, but you must know that I'm not doing this." uuuhhmm....right....problem is any girl if asked will say that she's not doing this, so either all men are crazy or you actually do this. ALL of this! So accept the truth that is coming to you!
1. Don't change the subject!
When you begin to tell a story make sure to finish it before it begins to expand in 100,000 different branches of other stories. I went to the butcher shop to buy a steak, I returned home, I cooked it and it was very delicious!
And not "I went to the butcher shop, not the one around the block, you know the one next to my friend Marge, she broke up with Steve because she didn't like his dog, you know that dog that is a mix of Labrador with something else and has brown color, alright not exactly brown color, I mean that color that oaks have, these special oaks in Western Vladivostok, oh I want to travel so much with you there!"
AAAARRRGGHHHHH WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BUTCHER SHOP?!?!?!?!
2. Don't take the elevator to go from the 1st floor to the ground floor.
Or do it, but at least don't try to tell us what a dynamic super woman you are because in reality you're just a sweet innocent insecure girl searching for safe space.
3. Nobody wants to know about your dream last night.
I know that a dream is very interesting for you because you don't just "see" it, you're "living" it. But for everyone else it is the same, boring, frustrating dream. If I ever had the chance to become a psychologist in the States I would reject the offer just to avoid listening to all the dreams the one or the other woman saw last night.
4. Instructions during oral sex are always welcome.
I know that the blow job is a difficult act for you, but once you learned how to blow ONE man, that's it! You graduated with your degree! I can make a clone out of you, learn lick her pussy until it flows like a waterfall, then use the same techniques on you and get kicked on the face. So don't just lay there with the "Here is the pussy, get it done." on your face. Open your mouth and tell me what you like!
5. Learn to accept compliments!
When I say "You're so beautiful today" I don't mean that all other days of the month you're uglier than Jabba the Hutt, but today you managed to save the day.
6. When you dress like a whore, you will be treated like a whore as well.
You know damn well what I'm talking about. When you go out dressed with a skirt that shows half your ass, your boobs are only covered on the nipples, smokey eyes, hair hanging in front of your face and giant rings on your ears, then you're just a public vagina for everyone. Don't ask where all the Princes are and why no one appreciates you for what you are.
7. You will never beat us in wanking.
No matter how much you play the champion to your male "friends", telling us that you began watching porn from an early age and you masturbate regularly, you can't beat us. First off, you lose the moment you say that you "masturbate". Jerking off for a man isn't something cute and sweet we do to spend some time alone. It is dark and sick! Like a horde of Mordor Orcs attacking! It requires the right plan and the right execution for it. When a woman wants to "masturbate" she needs to be warm and comfortable. With her blanket or shower, porn, all this stuff. This doesn't mean that a man can't enjoy these things, but if I want to, I can jerk off in some dark, dirty alley, behind a trash bin, using photos of dead terrorists in Syria. Can YOU do this too?
8. Your best friend is and will always be a victim!
She will never break up with the abusive idiot who takes advantage of her and treats her like a piece of shit. So instead of talking to me about your poor friend every day, just tell her to shut her mouth and become the depressed housewife she deserves to be!
9. When I'm finishing don't use your hand as a shield.
Sperm is something sacred for men. If you don't plan to welcome it on your face for the last 30 fucking seconds of the cum shot, then don't bother to give us a blow job or hand job.
10. Don't take a taxi to go three blocks down the street.
It is expensive, it is stupid, and you give money to one of the most hated groups of people in the planet.
And something else, when a taxi has stopped in front of you, you GET IN because his job is to take you wherever you want! Don't stand there telling him your destination as if you're auditioning for X-Factor!
11. This is the right blow job!
Into your mouth, out of your mouth and the hand is following with the same rhythm. A blow job with the head of the penis in your mouth and the hand playing with the rest of the shaft while you look as if you want to say "I'm doing you a favour, asshole!" is a fake blow job and jerking off is always better than this!
12. Shove the cinnamon in your ass!
I don't want Trident with cinnamon, or candy with cinnamon, or condom with cinnamon or an enema with cinnamon, or a soap with cinnamon. Cinnamon is only delicious on rice pudding and meatballs. On everything else it is disgusting and only you like it. The only thing I want from your handbag is my phone which I gave to you so I don't need to carry it all day.
13. Don't bother to give us only a hand job.
I understand your excitement, but sweetie, you're competing with the master. If you give us a hand job without going to the next step which is the blow job, we're constantly in a situation like "I'm cumming.....No I don't...". The only thing I want to do then is to slap you and take the situation in my hands. One, two, three, maximum four strokes and I finished. If you want to have fun with a dick, do everything else we can't do with our hands and leave the hand job somewhere in the middle as a means of spice.
14. Gain some weight!
Summer is almost here and I know that being just skin and bones is beautiful for your friend Jealous, but guess who doesn't like it? The human love call is the woman shaking that ass when she walks. Dogs and wolves use smells, we use your ass going up and down as you walk. If you don't have the necessary weight for the perfect ass shake, you lost. So throw away the salad and grab a cake immediately! Eat sugar until your guts are full of it! When I fuck you, I want to hear "flop flop" not "crack crack"! https://media.moddb.com/images/members/1/880/879667/booty_walkin.gif
15. Stop searching for music now.
Sooner or later you will listen to the same music with your brother, your boyfriend of the DJ who is "just your friend" but he's got a crush on you. Men are better in music, movies, comics, video games. Accept that!
16. There is NO Jerk Magnet!
This term is mostly used by selfish bitches who refuse to face the truth. "What the hell? I had 18 relationships and couldn't keep any of these guys. Am I a Jerk Magnet or something?" maybe it is YOU who can't stay likeable for more than 15 days! The Jerk Magnet is a creation of your imagination like Santa Claus and you use it to get rid of all responsibilities and blame men!
17. Stop saying that women are more mature than men.
I find it hard to believe when you're 35 years old and you tell us how handsome and sexy Edward Cullen from Twilight is.
18. Your pussy is fine!
Stop concerning yourself with it every day! Your visit to the gynaecologist twice a year is enough! Do you know what I need to check twice a year? NOTHING! Good for you that you take care of it, but stop busting my balls about it! "You sure it's fine? I don't know, it smells somehow." IT'S A PUSSY! IT MUST SMELL SOMEHOW! Your period 5 days a week is enough to listen to your complains! And don't tell me now that will never know the pain of a woman's period. My sweet girl, I broke my back during a parachute jump in the military and was for 5 months in the hospital with a cocktail of morphine, painkillers and other medications that I don't even know. And it didn't work! You have no idea what real pain is. Shut your mouth.
19. Stop playing with your food.
If you don't stop playing with that piece of cake I will kick your pussy and take it for myself. You have it in front of you 2 hours now. If you don't want it, give it to me and I'll show you how to eat a piece of cake.
20. Learn how to break up.
We WON'T stay friends. I already have my company of friends. During our relationship you never gave a damn about your friends and instead you were hanging out with my bro's which as a company of men is much more interesting and fun. But now we broke up. Don't expect my friends to keep you company or your friends to welcome you with open arms.
21. The correct position for doggy style is THIS: