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Time for some nostalgia! I remember a good old time when TV was good, unlike today. Today it only gives you trash for old people which means your TV is wasting space in your living room. I know this is not the same all over the world, but dear Americans and Japanese, if we in Europe want to watch Game of Thrones, Vikings and Dragon Ball Super, we either have to become Pirates and download or pay extra money to keep up with you.
But let's not get distracted. That's is a subject I will cover in another article. What I have here are short reviews for old TV shows. Some of them are good, others are shit, but what they all have in common is that they're full of the smell of childhood. I repeat, the list includes bad TV shows, so don't be surprised to see Ninja Turtles, Darkwing Duck and others missing.
So jump into my Time Machine and "Roll out!"
Beast Wars
Unlike most "Transformers" fans who got into the franchise through the "More than meets the eye" series, my first contact was with the "Beast Wars" series. Instead of Autobots and Decepticons we have Maximals and Predacons and their leaders are Optimus Primal and Megatron (again). It was one of the first computer animated series and the graphics were more or less like a good old Ps1 game. I don't know if it's better than the classic "Transformers" series or not. I guess most fans will say it is not. Never mind. "Transformers Prime" beats both of them ;)
Bolek and Lolek
What we got here is a Soviet era piece of shit, with our two friends Bolek and Lolek, walking like retards from one Gulag to the other, helping trapped or wounded animals or just getting themselves into trouble, until in the end you got on your screen a "KONIEC". These guys were such losers, that even their dog dumped them and began a solo career. A TV show so ugly, that it justifies the whole Cold War.
Captain Planet
Before ecology and Greenpeace activism became a hipster/hippie trend, we had Captain Planet. The main characters of the series were the Planeteers. A company of teenagers more colourful than an American Company commercial. We have the American, the Russian, the African, the Chinese and the native American from the Amazon. The only people missing are the gay, the imp and the disabled, and the politically correct army will be ready to begin the campaigns of speeches in our schools and their silly demonstrations on the streets.
The Planeteers were assigned on missions for the sake of the Earth, that the spirit of the planet gave them, she was a hot Milf called Gaia. The most lame part of this show, were the villains. Their one and only goal was to destroy nature. That's it. No profit, nothing. Just destruction of the Earth.
Nils Holgerson
Nils Holgerson was a Scandinavian wimp wandering into the wild with an orange hamster on his shoulder and they were always riding a giant goose. It was one of those evening TV series, usually seen in the waiting room of your dentist. And the only thing it did was to increase the depression from the hour of pain that is about to come, since the show itself is as dark and depressed as Scandinavia. This is what you get when there are no Americans or Japanese in the production team.
Dragon Ball
This was my first good Japanese anime! The Japanese aesthetic with swift editing, colourful shots and Visual effects that cause epilepsy, make the Japanese the masters when it comes to action, lasers, robots or young school girls that get raped by tentacles. "Dragon Ball" was first released as a manga and then as an anime. It was created by Akira Toriyama during the 80's.
The series follows the adventures Son Goku, from his childhood through adulthood as he trains in martial arts and explores the world in search of the seven orbs known as the Dragon Balls, which summon a wish-granting dragon when gathered. Along his journey, Goku makes several friends and battles a wide variety of villains, many of whom also seek the Dragon Balls. The fun thing with Drago Ball is that the Greek intro was loved more than all versions even by the Japanese themselves.
Mummies Alive
As someone who got obsessed with history from an early age, it is only expected that "Mummies Alive" would be one of my favourite TV shows no matter how bad it is. I'm sure I'm the only one who remembers this! It's about four ancient mummies that return to life to protect a young boy who is the reincarnation of their Pharaoh.
When things went wrong (that is always) they used their pendants to transform into.....super mummies (?) with shiny armour and weapons. It was clearly a "Gargoyles" rip off and received bad ratings, so the productions already stopped after the first season. Too bad.
TV shows about Dinosaurs
There are so many they can be an article from themselves! I will give you only two here.
1. The Land Before Time
"The Land before time" was a movie produced by George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. I can remember only one scene from this. Only one fucked up scene from this fucked up movie that raped my young soul when I was a kid and I'm sure those who saw the movie once will agree with me.
2. The Lost World
Not much to say here. LONG LIVE THE 90's!!!
Candy Candy
OMG! What an abomination. A Japanese anime drowned in depression and misery. It takes place in Europe of the late 19th century, how the Japanese imagine Europe. That is, with every second house as a Palace and every second man as a King or Prince. The only thing Candy does is hunting Anthony because she is in love with him but Anthony only spits on her and Candy falls into depression.
That's it. A plot that prepares young girls for their relationship with an asshole that they will date at least once in their life! The biggest problem with Candy Candy was in the dialogues. Being such a bizarre language, what the Japanese write down in one page, is only a few words in any Western language. But in the dubbed versions, they must somehow cover the movement of the mouth.
So in the end what you get in a dubbed versions is something like this: "Ahhh Anthony...no Anthony...don't leave me Anthony...I love you Anthony....Ahhhh.....please don't go Anthony...Ahhhh!"
Imagine to hear this with Candy's voice!
Power Rangers
For some reason I didn't catch up so much with the TV series. What I watched many times was the movie.
The Power Rangers were a group of politically correct teenagers attacked by monsters from another planet or universe. I have no idea why these aliens were crossing the whole universe just so they can have a fight in front of some random school in America. When things got bad (that is always) our protagonists transformed int the Power Rangers.
After the transformation they used a few moments to pose and show off with stretched legs, like the Iron Maiden do, until the bad guys called for reinforcements or transformed themselves into giants. Then the Power Rangers call their Zords which are giant machines they mount and control. But the Power Rangers still get their asses kicked so they unite their Zords to make the Megazord (something like the Devastator from Transformers). Like them or not, they probably have the coolest theme song ever! And be ready! A reboot is coming next year to rape our childhood once again!
Two more things before I move on:
1. Notice how the opening is the typical 90's opening with the actors showing their back to the camera and then swiftly turn and smile! Makes me always laugh.
2. Also look at the photo below. Isn't it weird that the only Power Ranger with a protuberance in the crotch is the yellow which is supposed to be a female?
Art Attack
How awesome was this! Neil Buchanan and his ideas for modern art masterpieces! It's funny how in every episode he was saying "It's easy! You can do it!" NO! It's not easy and only YOU can do it! I believed your lie and now I lost my whole weekend, my room is full of this PVA glue shit, I'm out of toilet paper and my puppy died because it licked the glue on the floor!
The Ewok Adventures
A Galaxy far far away, written and produced by George Lucas, ILM visual Effects, "yaaay I love Star Wars!" is the first reaction. Sorry to disappoint. These two films are a disgrace for Star Wars. The only good thing about them is that they remind us of our childhood.
Ok fellas, it's been already to long so I stop it here although I could include more. If you wish to see a Part 2, just say it in the comments section below.
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